Let's See How Far We've Come

The start of the holiday season has come and the knitting needles are a'flying and my bank account is exceptionally dry...but I always find myself more happy at this time than any other time. Although, looking back over this year, I realize how amazing this year was. There were, of course, ups and downs, but in the end this year was the start of the up.

School: Started my first year of Graduate School in Library Science. Realized my destiny in many shapes and form (heck, I got an A+ on my research paper...this HAS to be a sign...or maybe I worked really hard and deserved it). It took me three years to finally get myself back into school. It's amazing what trying NOT to put a square peg in a round hole feels like.

Love: Although I have been dating a lot of weirdos (with the exception of this newest lady I've been potentially seeing...yeah, I will tell you later...), it's better than how I was doing a year ago. I am putting myself out there, and I am not unhappy about it all. I finally got to kiss a girl, and I think I know exactly what I want in a future partner. So, although I am still single, I am more grounded in what I want.

General: I am just happier with my life than last year. It is easier to just let go of all the things that bother me, and just live life. I am still working on in, but yeah...it's nice.

I am really curious to see how things will be next year. There are some unfinished business that will possibly move to next year (like school and what not), and it will be exciting to see how it will finish.

Yes, I know, new girl. Only been on two dates. Going on a third tomorrow (ice skating). She is nice. Cute. And seems normal. No baggage. No apparent ticks. Isn't clingy. Likes to eat, talk, and be adventurous. Not forever, but I like spending time with her. So, I will spend time with her. Because it is soooooooo eeaasssssssyyyyyyyyy. When it is easy and there are no emotional or mental baggage, it's not hard to have a nice dating relationship. So, we will see.

While I am on break, I will sleep, read, knit, work, and just be mentally lazy. Yay!

And if I don't update this before, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

This is a response from a long chain of conversations between Siren and me and I finally asked her how she would feel that after going through a break up the person kept saying how happy she was and finally saying what was needed to solve the problems in the relationship. I told her I felt used, like I was like her puzzle piece in her dreamland.

"I was angry too because I felt like u gave up on us so fast. I did have anger too. I didn't use u. I know I can't dwell on the hurt because that isn't gonna get me anywhere. I felt like u wanted me to be this perfect person...and I am not that. I felt like I wasn't accepted by u because u couldn't take me as I am. I felt like u wanted me different. I felt like I was being seen for what I'm not instead of what I am. I couldn't be with someone that doesn't like me for all of me. That's partly why it was no suprise because I could sense that. I definitely had my walls up and was guarding my heart towards the end...especially after sf. I wasn't as open as I was before. Sorry if it hurts u that I am taking this as a learning experience and as a experience for growth but I try my best to get to most out of each experience. I hope u grow and heal and all that. May you have a wonderful life and if u want to be friends with me again someday know that i am always here. God bless."

Yeah, you can go fuck yourself sideways.

I gave up too easily? I?

Evidence #1 that I didn't give up too easily: Even though you were ALL my dealbreakers, I went with you anyway. Probably stupid of me. But I wanted to be with you. Because you kept arguing with me, telling me that we could be really great. And although you were everything that were TOTAL dealbreakers, I went with it anyway. Because I really liked you and I thought maybe, just maybe, you would prove me wrong.

Evidence #2: I wanted to leave after our first date. The fact that at 28 you can't get yourself fucking home, and then when I treated you like MOST adults out there should be treated and you kept telling me I didn't care...I should have left you. I should have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work. I like you, but not enough for this." But, I didn't. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Evidence #3: I wanted to leave when you started telling me that you believed God hated you for being gay by making you sick. I don't date closet cases, nor do I date people that hate themselves. But I stayed with you anyway.

Evidence #4: The fact that you are not even WILLING to put yourself out there in the area that you want to succeed in...and you tell me you are working on it? I should have left. But what did I do? I stayed with you and said, "You would get there..."

Evidence #5: I should never have believed that YOUR ex was the crazy one when you started to exhibit signs of INSANITY.

Evidence #6: The fact that I stayed with you even though you kept putting words in my mouth...when you started doing that after SF...and I still stayed? Yeah...I gave up way too easily.

Evidence #7: Even when two weeks into it ALL OF MY FRIENDS wanted me to leave you...and I stayed? Wow, I just gave up too easily even though all of my SANE friends told me to leave.

I could go on. But I think everyone gets the point.

I will never date people like her. She will always think she is the victim. She will always think that I hurt her, when it actuality she just used me. She had no emotions. The fact that she kept putting up her guard, even though she said she was going all the way with me...and I put my heart out there. I let her hold it, mess with it, and then when I was more courageous to say, "This isn't working..." I'm the bad person? I am the one that gave up too easily when already, in a month, she was crying and conflicted and I was always trying to fight for her?

Yeah...no. Never again. I think I need to really not date anymore. Not give up, but I think I am not allowed to make my own dating choices. Someone else will have to. Because I attract the crazies. And the fact that I knew she was crazy and I went after her anyway? Yeah, stupid. I think I need to just...take a break. No more.

And, yes, I know that I was trying to get you to be perfect. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. Because I didn't like how I made you feel. I wanted you to be better than you could ever be. I wanted to save you. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. I was putting you in a box that you could NEVER fulfill. I wanted you to be successful in your life, but you didn't want it. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. So the fact that once I broke up with you, you started to REALIZE what was WRONG with you...that hurts. That is the reason why I was hurting more than I should have. Because you kept pushing it in my face: "Look, look, now that you broke up with me, I can be what you wanted me to be! Look! I am growing! Thanks for breaking up with me! I am growing, look at me! God is love! Of course God doesn't hate me!!!!!!!!" It was like she WANTED to hurt me. Because I decided to be the one that admitted the truth, she is going to be childish and hurt me by gloating that she is better without me?

Yeah, fuck you.

I am in the anger phase today...

It is Hard To Do

So, I broke up with Siren tonight. Or, actually, this morning. We would have been dating for a month this Sunday, but I don't think it was truly destined to last that long.

She is too conflicted. I am not strong enough to be that type of girlfriend.

Also, she and I are at different stages in our lives. She is still coming out, getting comfortable with who she is. I already went through that, and have started living my life.

I just know that it was either break up or know that I will always be pushed aside. Always be told that, if she had the chance, she would rather be straight than be gay. That she would rather fit her church's idea of morality than be the person she really is. And the fact that if things got tough or she got scared she would always push me away...I don't think I could handle that. I knew that she pushed, but I didn't realize the extent that she would actually tell me that she would rather be straight to make it all easier. And that...hurts. I want a girlfriend that has accepted who she is, and wants to be with me without any shame.

I also know that I was trying to make her be the person I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be strong and just be the woman I know she could be. But she's not ready for that. And I can't force that on her. She needs to realize it for herself. Not through me.

So, although I kept saying I wasn't ready to leave...I think I will have to. It really hurts right now. I want to just say, "Fuck it...I want to be with her..." But, I don't think my heart can take another let down. And I think, for myself, I need to realize that maybe conflict isn't what I want in a relationship. There is passion that can lead to rapport and then there is constant drama and conflict that I don't need. I need to find that balance.

So...onward I go. I was so happy because this Christmas season I was going to do all these fun things with my girlfriend. But now I won't. But I would rather be alone and know what I want than be with someone that seems to be ashamed of who she is. And this will be good for her too. At least, in my opinion. She needs to figure things out for herself. Not through me.

I'm still sad. It still hurts. This still sucks. But it's what needs to be done. So, onward I go.

When Is It Okay to Fly Away?

In the three weeks that I have been dating Siren, I have encountered happiness...and frustration. Already after three weeks and two dates we have issues. There is a lot of baggage that I am acquiring, and I have gone back and forth between wanting to take it on to just not wanting the frustration.

In the end, I just can't bring myself to say "No" yet. When we are not arguing or my trying to calm her down, we have so many happy moments. And there is attraction and passion. It seemed with most of my dating experiences there was so much infatuation but no action. No true passion in it. With Siren, we have that passion to argue. To discuss our fears and our issues. But usually this happens after three months. Not three weeks. I have always said that I am not ready to enter seriousness because she is not there for me. In order for me to talk a serious relationship (as in talking about marriage, kids, knowing that there is no one else), she has to be in a stable ground in her life. And she is not there. But no matter how many times we say, "We will see where this goes" or "I am enjoying the now", the future keeps coming up after us saying, "Tick tock...tick tock". And she gets hurt, and I get frustrated because she keeps putting actions and phrases in my mouth.

And this is when people have told me, "Just leave" or "Are you sure you want to go through all this effort for 'not forever'?" But, I just can't. Not because I don't want to be alone or I just want to have a girlfriend, but because I can't pull myself away from her. I am attracted to her, and I know that it will break both of our hearts in the end...but I can't seem to stop myself. I want this experience. I don't want to run away from something that could be...great and awful at the same time.

And I could be so wrong. Maybe she will get over her fears, issues, and unhappiness and become the woman she could be. And she and I could live happily ever after.

But I am not her knight in shining armor. In a way, I feel like she has an imagined person in her head of me. I am this cute, strong, powerful woman that can save her from her pain and sufferings. And when I show my true self, she gets hurt and doesn't like what she sees. I have never apologized for my bluntness. My reality checks, I like to call them. I say, "This is who I am. I will try to be less harsh, but know that I will always tell you the truth." I am trying to be less harsh with my reality checks. But sometimes I wonder if she is not truly trying to be less sensitive. And to see that maybe she needs to be courageous in everything.

And maybe she will see that. Maybe she will develop into this wonderful woman I know her to be.

Or maybe not. But I am not ready to fly away. I am not ready to say, "No". Not yet. Even though I know I may break her heart, and in the process break my own heart...I can't leave now. I just can't.

But, I still have a lot of thoughts in my head...

You Should Have Taken A Long Break...

Saturday was the 2nd year anniversary of my friend's death.

The lyric from Brandi Carlile's song, "This Year" still rings true: "He said, I forgive you...I said, I hate you..."

I still get so angry at him. Although he and I weren't close, I still get so angry that he couldn't just see that other people loved him.

I guess it will take 10 years before this will not feel like a stabbing pain. That I won't blame myself. He said he was tired that night. He said he was okay, but just tired. I should have known that something was wrong. I should have known that he wasn't okay.

Again, I think it will take 10 years...

No, I Can't Fly Away

it is so hard to describe how I feel.

Gracious eyes with courteous hands just make better bedfellows than passionate handstrokes.

you scare me. you make my stomach dance within its cage, making my heart envious of its flexibility.

Lips that tantilize just make me want to run. While hearth-ready words give me lead feet.

we won't last. I know it. but i can't fly away.

no. I just can't fly away from you.

Curves draw me away. Your straight lines keep me closer.

not ready to give you up for someone else. not ready to say its over after much contemplating.

Hands so smooth, but breath so intriguing.

not ready to say it's done yet.

Your words fill me with fear, even though you mean well.

not ready to say it's done yet. no. not even when we cry and scream

not ready to say it's done yet.

Guitar Girl Crushes

This is why you should love Brandi Carlile:

And also this is why:




Hot. I have a new guitar lady crush. Other then Siren, of course. But she was AMAZING live. I suggest you see the video before listening to her music. She is great on the CDs, but she is sooooo good live. *sigh* And it was fun to see her at the Fillmore. I have never been there, but I have to say I enjoyed it. You get a whole apple, and if you get there early you can eat dinner upstairs in this hall above the stage. And then the decor is fabulous. Chandeliers, disco ball, and old architecture. It is definitely a city gem. But, yeah. I'm happy I got to go. :)

Death = Freedom

I am going to finally be "un-vague" about my relationship category.

I have been adventuring into this rabbit hole of possible dating/relationship thing. To keep this story from being confusing, I will just state that I have a friend on Facebook that I met from college and lately we have been starting to feel more than friends over the past few weeks. We weren't close in college (she was dating a coworker of mine at the Women's Resource Center), and we weren't that close after college either (she lives in the North Bay and I moved back to the East Bay and got very area-orientated). But, we stayed in touch through Facebook. Well, we ran into each other at the Book Fair in September and from then on we started to talk more often. Badabing, feelings were developing on both sides. This week was when it came to a point where she admitted, I said, "Well, yeah, I knew that. I like you too." This also was the week where I had no time to really focus on it and think about it.

Once I finally got sleep and time to think, I started to get scared. This is really new for me. Not the liking someone, etc etc etc. It's actually going into a relationship and starting to work the kinks of what could happen. And I got scared. I have this issue of wanting perfection (I think I have OCD...but not the extreme kind). I want things to be just right, or I don't want to deal with it. This won't be the perfect situation for me. She lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, and I am scared that I won't be a good girlfriend because I am so busy with school and life. I want to make sure that I make room for her in my life and get used to not being single. That gets to another part of me: I hate change. I have been working to calm down and say, "Change is good" and accept it when it comes along. But I get the initial scare still. Another point is the fact that I do need some personal time to myself. I like spending time with people and would definitely like spending time with her, but I also want to make sure she understands that I need time to do school work and time to just...be me. Which she understands perfectly so far. What is also scaring me is that it is feeling so...natural. It was natural to slowly delve into this madness of her. I was trying to put the brakes on it, trying to make it progress slowly...but I couldn't. I fell into it and now I am really hooked on her. I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to date. I want to be in this connection with her. So I got scared because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She (I will call her Siren because...well, she is a music goddess with the guitar and is very much in the music field) and I have been talking about this, and working it out. But I still had this residual fear.

To preface the following paragraph, I need to explain my dream history. Ever since I had dated my first boyfriend, Jackass, I started having these wild dreams of people trying to kill me. Celebrities, random people, are chasing me trying to kill me. I mean, it could have started much earlier than that time but I do remember that it started happening in fifth grade (yeah...that's an even longer story and I already have a novel here). These dreams would be so elaborate too. These events would happen and then it would end with a random dream spirit/celebrity running after me trying to kill me. It's always either a knife or a gun. It is never in one place. Either in a house, fields, etc. There is no place that I haven't ran from someone trying to kill me.

Last night, I had a different dream. I was with my friend Dana that I hadn't seen in ages. We are having a Halloween party or some sort of thing (I know why I was dreaming because of the fact that I was talking about it earlier than night), and I was hanging out just having some weird argument (I tend to have these...I don't know why). And then all of a sudden I get scared. I am reliving a movie scene. I hear a gun shot, and I am hiding in the bathroom in my house. Even though the door is closed, there are gaps in the walls to show who is going up and down the stairs and in the hallway. It is dark, but gray because of the sunlight coming through the windows. Then I see through the crack an eye lined with black and a strange woman looking at me. She opens the door. She is tall, all in black, very blond, and her eyes are a beautiful blue. She is smoothed, white skin, chunky. She has her hands behind her back and she is talking to me. She is accusing me of doing something wrong. I try to explain to her that I didn't mean to say it like that. I was trying to say...and then she pulls from behind her back a weird version of a machine gun. She looks at it. She looks at me. She said, "That's why I have to do this." And she points the gun and I actually feel the bullets (without pain) enter in my body and it becomes black. And I wake up. It's morning time.

Usually I wake up from the running, trying to get away from the gun or knife, and I wake up freaking out and breathing hard. This time, I was slightly scared but more intrigued by the feeling of the bullet entering my body. I would think it would be painful (which it would have been), but at the same time I was calm. I was okay that I had died in my dream (although I kept thinking of the theory that if you die in your dream you should have died in real life). It just seems like this dream where I finally die means something in comparison to Siren. I am not sure how, but it may be that this relationship (or whatever it may be) will be something really good for me. Like the girl that was trying to kill me was all the things that was keeping me from being in a great relationship, and the person that really died wasn't me but my past.

I don't know. It's just a theory. But I am not as scared anymore. I feel good about this. I feel more comfortable thinking of Siren as...mine. I still have fears, but I am not freaking out. It will work. Or it will be an amazing adventure.

Do You Hum While You Pee?

School
MIDDDDDTTTEEERRRRRRMMMMMMSSSSSSS. Well, with how my school is, it's more like I have papers starting to become due right now. I have a major paper that is due this Friday that I thought would be easy to start at the beginning of this week. HAH! It involved at least one more week than what I have. I was freaking out yesterday, thinking that I was going to fail library school. I've calmed down since. Knitting is the beautiful cure of that. But I also did a major, major work off today with research and doing the part that I can do while waiting for the other part (interviews with librarians). Hopefully I can pull this out of my ass...But other then that, I have now learned that you do not procrastinate. I have looked at my future assignments and deadlines and understand that all my assignments are due at the end of this month and early next month...and they are all pretty simple that doesn't require me begging librarians to be nice to be and talk to me.

Knitting
Speaking of knitting...I am alllmmmoooosssstttt finished with my tuscany shawl. Literally. I have put the pretty, soft, laceweight yarn away from my hands nearly six rows away to finish to write this. I know, dork. I am also half way through my second purply socks. The reason why I have picked up these projects that were sleeping? BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF KNITTING STRAIGHT KNITTING WITH GREY ALPACA YARN!!!!!!!!!!!! I was working on my Knit A Long with my friend for two months and found out she put it away for awhile to not lose her mind. While I was letting my mind rot with boredom. I do not blame her. I also hit a snag that I wasn't sure about. But, I emailed the designer and she told me that I can do whatever I want. But I don't have the heart to pick it up again. Not until I at least have some instant gratification with socks and shawls. Yippee! I should also start planning Christmas knitting...which involves only one person (you know who you are...) so not hard. Although, now I will have to start planning a little more because I have an idea that does not include the usual...hmmm...*devious mind working*

Dating

On Saturday, I was the prime stereotype of a single woman. I went on a horrible date, so I lied and said my friend had a marriage emergency. And then I ate my leftover food that I had to not eat because my date was done eating. Yes, classic. It wasn't horrible horrible, but it was enough to truly not know how to get out of her kissing me without saying, "I got to go!!!" So...yeah. She hummed while she peed (sp?). Come on! Yeah...yeah. I know. But, anyway, I did have a coffee date with someone this Wednesday but I canceled because of my major assignment (didn't know how long it would take for me to get this done). She seemed really nice, but I figure school is more important than dating. I'm also getting very...apathetic about dating. I just don't feel like dating anymore. It's not out of frustration, but just...not interested anymore. I guess because...well, I don't want to jinx it and I'm not sure about it until I let it marinate...but, yeah, I just don't feel like going on dates anymore and I don't feel like looking anymore. It feels like I've already found that person...but at the same time I am trying to be very, very, very cautious because this is very unheard-of ground. But it feels right at the same time.

I promise I won't be so vague later on about this. But for now, I need to be vague because I need to marinate on it without using words on online blog.

Miscellaneous

Am on new medication for some womanly stuff. Yeah. Anyone ever taken Levora-28? If so, have you found it be okay or horrible? Have you gotten mentally psycho because of it? Or it was just like Yasmin? I was taken off Yasmin because my body got used to the medication. So, she put me on these generics. I'm kind of weary because the last time I was put on something that wasn't from Bayer or a big known pharmaceutic company I became crazy and just got tired of my body with it. So...we'll see. I start them next week, so if in the following weeks and you see me and I am going NUTS or suddenly crying in the middle of something...you may want to suggest me talking to my doctor again.

I finished reading The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. This is the novel that made the Ayatollah put a hit on his head. I was really curious to see why this novel enraged a whole religious branch and a huge head of Iran. After reading it, I see why. One comment I have is the fact that of all things, at least he could have written it much better. The plot itself and the idea of it is good. But the technical part of the novel was annoying. He didn't like periods half the time. He felt that it would be more artistic to just go off on random tangents. It was annoying. But the idea and the plot was interesting. I am stilling thinking of the concepts that he is arguing or bringing up in concepts of Religion and how religious texts can get perverted.

I am now reading The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson. It was very hard to put the book down to start studying, so I am staying away from it until I am finished with this paper and other projects that need some finessing. It deals with these two historic men and the The World's Fair. One is the architect that is behind the building of the Fair and the other is the serial murderer that created a huge plot of female killings at the Fair. I'm already fifty pages in and I am hooked! Must. Stay. Away.

That's about it. I'll get back to my shawl and my podcast. I have started listening to this knitting podcast called limenviolet (meant to look like that) and am obsessed. I was listening to this one podcast from a company called Knitpicks. It was done by the company's head, Kelly Petkin. She was okay for awhile, but after a hundred episodes she continued to say the SAME EXACT THING. I got bored. And when I hated her interviews. There are interesting interviews and then there are boring interviews. She did the latter. It wasn't even a natural conversation. You can tell the interviewee felt awkward and wanted to get out as soon as possible. But with limenviolet, you feel like they are having conversations with you. Or you are in the middle of a conversation of a knitting group (like my own) and it feels so comfortable! While I'm knitting, I feel like it's Thursday and I'm with my knitting group.

And on that note, see ya!

Pound Stories

That's a picture when I was around 21 years old. By that time I had spent 16 years attempting many diets. There was the all water diet where all I had to eat and drink was water. Those huge Crystal Geyser bottles that they carry at Costco. My dad wondered why we were going through them more when I was a junior in high school. It was me. There was the vegetarian diet. Where I thought if all I had to eat was one lettuce leaf, french fries, and lots of bread I would lose weight. Forget the fact that chicken does count as meat, and you need to exercise along with the cutting of foods to lose weight. But I did try that too. Lost three pounds when I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and started walking to Lake Chabot with my German Shephard, Maxine. Gained it all back when I just realized I love food. I also tried bulemia and found the lovely knowledge that I have no gag reflex. So all the food that I had purged on was staying in that stomach.

So through all that ups and downs of food anxiety/hating/loving, my body went through a good amount of pressure to try to at least survive. It's no wonder that at 177 pounds, my body finally said, "F you" and revolted. When that picture was taken I was in absolute pain from a cyst growing on my ovaries. See, when I was 18 my ob/gyn had put me on birth control pills for a sporadic period. But they didn't go through the diagnosis process and didn't explain to me that I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. They just put me on the pills, told me to take them if I wanted to get a normal period, and went on my merry way. Since it was Kaiser, they also put me on a generic brand to save costs. Lucky me. When I started feeling ill and weird after three years taking them, I decided to stop taking them. They didn't tell me that I needed, so I stopped taking them. I got a normal period for three months, then I stopped getting my period for another three months. At that time I was working at the Women's Resource Center overtime for March and April events, and doing four classes in my degree concentration (that means research papers, reading a book in a week, etc.). I thought it was stress. I figured I would worry about it at the end of the semester.

Wrong. As I said, my body finally said, "ENOUGH!" I ended up at the hospital with major pains. I won't go into how I LOVE Kaiser because of that visit, but I was diagnosed with menstrual cramps. Hah. You forgot that cyst borrowing in my ovaries. But thanks, man. It took four doctor visits and a sonogram to see that what I did have was a cyst (by the sonogram came around, it finally broke and created a flood in the rivers of Jennifer) and that I have PCOS.

Quick explanation before the point: PCOS is an insulin-resistant syndrome (disease, whatever). Either because your pancreas produces too much insulin naturally or trying to overcompensate with slow growth of the body, it then triggers a hormone imbalance (specifically testosterone and progesterone) that then creates a problem in the ovaries. My eggs, naturally, do not fall down to the fallopian tubes. They just stay there every month. So, if three months don't drop down, what do you have? Many little eggs (called mini cysts) that create a big cyst.

So, I had a choice. I could live the same way I was (dieting and purging) or I could change my life radically. When you read studies of how if you don't treat PCOS long term you can develop not only diabetes but heart conditions and cancer...wouldn't you get scared? Well, I did. And that summer I started working out every day. I cut down on what I ate. But I told myself that I wouldn't worry about the food part. I would focus on getting more active.

And it worked.





Nice, huh? That year was the best for me. One, I was finally finishing college. Two, because I was becoming more of who I would become later on. There was still a LOT of work to go through, but at that point I was just worried about getting better.

Then I graduated college, and life happened. That's all I can describe it: life happened. And because I just focused on working out before, I didn't realize it was also a food thing. I still had a horrible relationship with food. It's either I didn't want to eat it (which...was rare, but it did happen), or I wanted to swim in it. The climax was when I was at my last job and all I could to help the pain was eating a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups (not the itty bitty pieces either) in order to cope. Sure, I was working out but my body got used to it. I was eating more calories than I could burn. When I finally realized what was going on, I was back at 177 pounds and without hope.

I needed help. A friend of mine and I were talking about the situation, and she said, "Have you ever heard of Overeating?" I just shrugged it off and said, "I don't have an eating disorder. I just love food." But she showed me a website and asked me questions without me looking. I said "yes" to all but one. And she then showed me the explanation to the questions. I didn't cry. But I realized how horrible a relationship I had with food. Not everyone has this relationship with food. I don't blame anyone for how I was brought up; it's just how it became. My mother's culture thinks of food all the time; that's just how it is. I was taught my dietitians, parents, other people that I needed to lose weight because I was bigger than usual. But if you look at pictures when I was young, I was chubby but I wasn't fat. I was beautiful. Cute. Cuddly. If I had just continued thinking that I was beautiful, stopped fighting with food, than I bet you I would have grown out of it and maybe had a mild/somewhat unhealthy relationship with food.

But, circumstances happen and now I live with this every day of my life. I don't blame the people that told me that I needed to lose weight or that I was ugly because I was fat. Why should I? It's not going to help any. If I need to blame someone, I blame society. But, anyway, I live with this constant push and pull with food. What is a normal portion? What would be better for me? I am craving sugar, is it because I want sugar or is it because I just had a horrible day at work? Should I feel guilty for eating one package of sugar wafers? A slice of bread? Am I hungry or just bored? Thirsty?

I would definitely like to not have to think about it. I would love to just say, "F it" and just go all out and eat whatever I want. And I do. One day. I only allow one day. Then I remember how good it feels to eat well. How great it feels to know that food doesn't control me; I do.

The reason why I am writing all this down (without hiding it) is because I had a quick conversation with some friends this weekend that really triggered this story in my head. One of my friends looked at me with surprise when I said, "I have an eating disorder." They didn't know that part of me. It's because I am ashamed of it. It's not something you admit without feeling like you are trying to grab attention. "Look at me! I have an eating disorder! Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!" And I felt that way after. I felt like I was just trying to make waves. But at the same time, this is who I am. It's come a loooonnnnggg way to get me here, but I wouldn't trade it any other way.

And, so it goes. Hi, I'm Jennifer. And I have issues with food.



(I'm getting there...)

Games

I like honesty. I prefer honesty in everything. I am the type of person that enjoys blunt honesty. Yes, I'll get butt hurt, but I can cope. I won't kill the messenger or anything.

So, I don't understand the mind games. I just don't. And when I put in my dating profile that I like honesty, I really mean honesty. Not a version of it that involves playing with my heart and making me cry and think something is wrong with me. Not the type that keeps me waiting by my phone thinking, "Just maybe..."

No. As in brutal honesty that trusts me enough to say, "Listen, I'm a little nervous and confused. I need some space to think about it."

As in the honesty that says, "I don't think this is working..."

That type of honesty.

So, with that, I am done. I am not going to wait by my phone. I am not going to say, "Well, maybe she really meant it." No more. I know what's going on. I know that you just want to string me along and keep me second guessing.

And I thought it was cute when you would say, "Should I be jealous?" when I was hanging out with a gal friend of mine. Yeah. That was all a game too, right? To make sure I was hooked? Hooked just right until you pulled away?

And when you said, "Do you still dig me?" I should have said "Maybe..." or "No" so you would keep talking to me, huh?

But, I guess I just am honest to a fault. And I guess you are going to continue to be an idiot and think you got me.

But you don't anymore. You don't. You are gone from my life. That's the lovely thing: I can delete your contact info from my phone. I can take you off my Facebook. I can push that button that says "Delete?" and feel no remorse. Why should I? I know when I am being played. I was played for a good amount of years, and look where it got me. I'm done with games. I am done with your so called "lies".

It's over.

It's over like a charred overdone steak.

It's just over.

And although my heart is slightly sore, I am ready to open it up again. Even though there are probably a ton of people just like you. Probably millions. I may just find every one of them. But I am not going to give you the satisfaction to know that I can't open my heart again. You don't deserve it.

You. Don't. Deserve. It.

"Well this is it now. Everybody get down. This is all I can take. This is how a heart breaks. " ~ Rob Thomas.

And this is from infatuation...

I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I think I'll go back to disappointing coffee dates. My heart doesn't get hurt; just the ego and my nerves.

Square Pegs

I am finding that things really do happen for a reason.

Now, people tend to say that when people are down on their luck or they are just down about their situation. Things happen for a reason. Things will get better. This horrible, sad, tragic thing happened in order to enjoy what will happen.

But, now I can truly say: things happen for a reason.

I didn't know things could come this easily. As I enter my fourth week in Graduate School, I am finding how...easy it is. Well, I can't say it is entirely easy. I had to get used to the hours (I am on the computer every day now), and I had to get used to how much reading I would be doing. It's easy in the fact that I just get it. Well, there have been some subjects that I have gotten a bit confused (Information Retrieval Systems...mind-boggling. Trust me, it's more than what the title suggests), but overall I feel so excited that it just sits in my brain and marinates and becomes one.

Which is, by the way, one definition of "knowledge". Yes, I learned that in Library School. Now, let me ask you, what's the difference between "information" and "knowledge"? Do you believe "knowledge" is a social concept? What can we gain, as Librarians, from social epistemology?

Yes, I love what I am learning. I am not struggling/fighting/trying at all. I don't have to conquer anything.

Because I already had to struggle/fight/try three years ago. I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole, and I tore my soul/heart/brain trying to do just that. I don't miss it, but I wouldn't redo the experience either. If I hadn't struggled, I don't think I would appreciate this moment. This experience. This career-move. I also believe that I finally woke up at that moment. When I fought to try to show everyone I could be a lawyer, I developed discipline. I wouldn't have had the discipline to do this online learning if it wasn't for the fact that I was trying my damnedest to get a high LSAT score. Because I spent three years trying to get into school, I am appreciating this work load so much. I know, it's weird, but I love it.

It's like cutting butter.

And that's why I say now that things really do happen for a reason. It is a cliche for a reason.

Couldn't Sleep. Those Stupid Clowns...

School: Am attemping to catch up after the nice, relaxing Labor Day weekend with the knitting gals. Thankfully I have learned how to read really fast and get the gist of what the article/chapter is about. But I have a group project that I need to catch up on the correspondence on, and some assignments that are due this Monday. Yeah. This weekend will not be for the fun.

Knitting Retreat: Fabulous. Unfortunately, I felt like I was either cantankerous in my sleepiness or a drunk, loud bitch. But it was fabulous. Got a lot of knitting done (as it should be), and watch a lot of movies. Especially lesbian movies. All hail the Casey. It definitely reinstated how much I love my knitting group. I am very happy that circumstances happened and this group formed.

Work: ...it's work? I go in. I do my shit. I leave. I have now come to the point that when things do come up that are done by my counterpart, all I can do the following: look at it, sigh, nod my head, and try to fix it. No outrages. No thoughts of "She's finally going to get it". Just the pure knowledge that it has been done, and now I will most likely get the brunt of it all. But it is worth it because my boss, no matter what, is great. I don't want to say in the public WWW why (the walls have ears), so if you would like to know why she is the most greatest boss in the world, contact me privately.

Love life: ...a lady doesn't tell...yet. ;) Well, a lady can't tell anything when she doesn't have much to tell. But we will see. Again. I was freaking out last night because we had a date and, again, she wasn't getting my hints. I got a peck, but that was it. I wanted so much more then that. It's nice that she listened to me earlier, but now it's different. So, I talked to her. But I kept thinking that maybe I am settling. That I am scared to live alone that I just take the first woman that is interested. But at the same time, I am scared that I'm too scared to go forward. But, we will see. It's not forever. Hopefully our next date will go better. We are going to go see "The Time Traveler's Wife" and get dinner. Let's hope I will have something I won't tell.

I love Pandora. All hail the Quick Mix with slow, sexy woman jazz with M.I.A. and Goo Goo Dolls. Fabulous.

I hate summer. I want my rain. I want my cold weather. I want to wear my sweaters again.

I miss my Bluebird. Been too busy for her lately...we will have to bike tomorrow or this weekend.

That's about it.

:-D

Cliches abound.

A book by its cover would never have gotten me to go forward
but she smiles
and it makes me feel like I am
home?
Maybe.

But the bookcover suggest more then that.
I want to smell her
constantly keep in contact with her
keep getting to know her
and her beautiful eyes
mouth
hips
Gorgeous
gorgeous
g
o
r
g
e
o
u
s
personality.

And cliches abound as I hear the common rephrase

"I told you so."

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

We will see where this goes....

Forgot...Pictures

Flickr was being an idiot...so let's try Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2086748&id=33202150&saved#/album.php?aid=2086748&id=33202150

If you can't see it, let me know.

Present Book: "The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie, and every single Library and Information Science Intro book known to man. Even Beginner Management for Information Services book. It's fabulous.

Music: Female/sexy jazz like Blossom Dearie, Ella Fitzgerald, and maybe some Dean Martin

Knitting: Finished the first sock for my complicated/cable like project from Sock Innovation. It was fun using itty bitty needles to then use humongous poke-your-eyes-out needles. I wasn't using the exact same needle from the itty bitty to long, but ah well. They fit perfectly. Will start the second one soon. I am still working on a shawl pattern. Haven't started my Knit Along project that my friend Jessica and I were going to do together. She has surpassed me because I am slow when it comes to starting anything. It didn't help that I was in New York City. But, I will try to catch up. I have to get new needles though.

Thoughts: Started school this Monday, but had already started a class the beginning of this month. But, the procrastinator in me, decided not to start until I came back from my vacation. Dumb. Idea. I was in front of my computer from Thursday to Sunday, trying to get ahead and get caught up on everything. But I am having fun so far. I am starting to get to "know" people (all of my classes involve introductions), and learning a lot in such a small amount of time. It is going to be a very busy semester though. I have tons of reading, and it is only been three days. I am pretty caught up so far because I finished one class's reading last week (I figured why not since I had the resource there), but I don't have all my textbooks. I have two or three that are lagging, and one of them I have to finish reading by the end of this week. I also know that there will be one class that will be challenging because the professor thinks non-linearly. I like linear thinking. But, I will conquer through! Through all this complaining/whining, I am absolutely happy that I am starting on the rest of my life.

Love: Against all protestations, I have been pushing myself out there. I went on one meeting before New York City at SF MOMA to see the Georgia O'Keefe/Ansel Adams exhibit. The exhibit got filled, and my "date" and I didn't click. I talked like an idiot, and she was unresponsive. But I understand first dates tend to be awkward. But, we will see. I am not as optimistic about it as some people have been. I also didn't feel that click. She is pretty, but our personalities/preferences didn't seem to click.

I went on a coffee date on Tuesday (yesterday) to another girl that I met through OKCupid.com. This is the first time that I had a date right after website contact, and it wasn't bad at all. She and I clicked physically and mentally. It wasn't hard to have a conversation with her, and I didn't feel like I was pushing it. It felt natural. She and I have also been texting back and forth, so it helped that I had some sort of idea of who she is. We have another date (dinner date this time) on Saturday. But...well, have you ever heard the joke about the lesbian and her second date? They bring a U-Haul Truck. Well, I think she was starting to do something like that because she was already planning our third date...at her house. I told her I want to take things slowly, and we haven't gone on our second date yet. She seemed hurt after, and I felt guilty...but I haven't had a relationship with a woman before. I would like to take things slowly and enjoy dating as it comes. I don't want to jump quickly into the thick of things. Is that bad? I mean, am I doing something horrible? Should I just jump in and then let myself get consumed in fear? Aaaahhhh!

Anyway. That's what's going on.

NYC

I am back. It's been a great visit. I took a lot of pictures. Unfortunately, because I took over 300 pictures...I am not going to post them here. But I will be putting them up on Flickr for you guys soon.

I'm home! I miss my Amie and my Bluebird.

Test

Sorry, I am testing something.

Blah blah blah blah.

How To Be Female

Apparently I was being a very bad example of a woman and was not buying good underwear. Or wearing underwear that I had since I was 12. And also, I was putting my bra on incorrectly. And washing all of them horribly. What I find out on Thursday nights...

So, today, I went through all my underwear and threw out the ones that looked old, was old, and didn't seem to fit me well. Yes, I wore underwear that didn't fit me because I just didn't care. Apparently (that word again) if you wear something pretty, you will be confident and you will get laid. I was told that is the reason why I am not getting laid. Yes. I know. TMI. So, over half of my underwear went into the garbage can. And then I looked at my underwear drawer and said, "Shit. I have no underwear!" (Well, I kept a few...but not enough) So, I ran to Target to get some underwear. Yeah, cost me 50 some dollars to get enough underwear. But they're pretty! And lacy! And comfortable! Yeah.

I feel like I have become a full grown woman now.

PICTURES!!!!

As promised, here are some of my vacation pictures. I took a lot, so this is not everything.



We start with setting up Amie for the road trip. We strapped him on top of our shoe rack, and we thought it would stay. But it slipped through the bumps. He wasn't that frazzled, but I definitely was getting worried. It was either I take him out and risk having him hurting himself on the bumps or have him in the cage and deal with the bumps. I went with the latter. He wasn't that mad at me because...



Yeah. He got over it. He's a brave man.



Outside our motor home at night in Newport Beach. I haven't mastered taking pictures at night, sorry...



In the day time. Pretty...



We had a long day....



Disneyland! Blurry...



This is before they collapsed from my running around for Fastpass.





Balboa Island



Views from my bike ride around the RV resort






Disneyland again! This time with the sis and her boyfriend.



He likes Tigger though. He got a little jealous by this...



Blue Bayou Restaurant!



And I couldn't finish Disneyland without this...



Not me...but whatever. :)

And that's it! Enjoy!

I promise, photos will come of the many scenes that I saw in Orange County. I'm just lazy and will eventually put them up.

I BOUGHT A BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One thing that came out of my vacation was the fact that I absolutely loved biking around the RV resort and the beach. I hadn't biked since I was a kid, and I could never find a bike that fit my small stature. But my sister had this very small bike designed for a woman, and she let me borrow it for a week. I fell absolutely in love with it! So, I knew that I would have to buy myself a bike so I can continue enjoying the wonderful feeling of biking.

So, I did. It was actually at a great cost for a bike, and I already did a run to Trader Joe's with it. Although I didn't buy anything, and realized that it would have been hard to carry anything in it. But it was still fun. :)

Yeah!

The soft tinkle of the waves hitting the sand bar.

I sit. Just enjoying the small silence punctured with joyous cries of international children. Innovative. Making aquaduct-like tunnels to the water from the sidwalk. Children meeting across the waves. Adults as well. Motor homes and trailers exude that air of peace and tranquility to make friends. Only the few arrogant people hinder that.

The water is blue, and keeps blue as you continue to the edge. Seaweed and baby sharks hide amongst the surface. I just let my toes break the surface.

A soft breeze comes over the area, making my sun hat threaten to break loose and be part of the free world. A stern hand keeps it in place. It does not disturb my reading frenzy.

This is where thoughts emerge. And I think of what has happened in the past year. I don't think I could ask for anything more or less. I did what I needed to do, and am extremely happy.

What needs to change? The living situation. But that will come in due time. For right now, I am counting my blessings and just happy that my choices led to a fulfilling end. When I ride my bike down the path, I can only think of what will come. School. A more soul fulfilling career. Continuing friendships. Possibilities? Maybe. But I won't put my money on it. My blessings are in other things.

In a way, just looking out onto the ocean, the waves that continue to hit the sand bar is erasing all those fears that I had. The bitterness of what did happen to me. The water is an eraser at the end of its big pencil. It feels nice.

Now I am going to go back in. My brown skin is turning into a burnt red/orange. With eraser/ocean comes burning sun. Better put on more sun block!

It is supposed to be near the hundreds, but I don't feel it as the wind continues to drive through my hair. I ride through the roads, paths, narrow areas to get to no destination at all.

Newport beach mornings are fabulous. It has a distinct smell that Northern California doesn't have. Flowers blooming. The salt mingled with sand.

It is an experience like no other.

I am looking out through the motor home's window. A beautiful scene is outside. Someone has started a beach bonfire near their beach front property. The sun has gone down, but light is still reflecting onto the water.

It is all absolutely beautiful.

Amie is on the laptop screen right now. He is just chillaxin', telling me all his fun stories.

And I am sitting here, excited to start another day with a bike run and then...absolutely nothing planned. I even turned down plans because I just didn't want to do a thing.

This is the life.

I don't come into work for two days, and apparently the world falls down at the ears...whatever. I just don't care anymore.

Four more days until my Southern California trip. I am already planning outfits, events, and what to bring knitting-wise. It helps the days go by faster.

Amie is getting excited too! He is planning his outfits as well (a nice cool turquoise feathered swimsuit will just have to do), and his new temporary digs. We plan to pick that up tomorrow.

After staying away from my gray cabled socks, I finally found the strength and inspiration to finish the first sock and be half way through the second sock. It is actually getting me back into the sock knitting. For awhile, I have been very dampened in my sock knitting. Now I am starting to love it again. I blame the podcasts I have been listening: she is a sock knitter.

We now have a hole in our family room ceiling...when will the demolishing end?

On to the Windmills!

*sigh*

I told myself I would NOT do this. That I would not post another Craigslist post. That I would NOT look on OkCupid.com. That I would not try again.

But I have. Although I doubt I will get emails because it was a half-hearted attempt at a charming post. I basically said I want THIS type of woman (and I meant woman) and I want her to have these certain qualities. It was very stand-offish. But whatever. I am just so tired of getting emails that say "One night only!" or "Hey, let's talk forever and a day but NEVER MEET".

Anyway.

I was just getting lonely and realizing that I had a choice of living like this and getting more sad, or attempting to do something about it. I really doubt I will find someone, and I really think this is a foolish thing to do. But whatever. Might as well try. But I want perfection. And I doubt anyone out there fills that description for me.

So, yeah.

I haven't been able to think of witty titles lately, so I have been leaving them blank.

I have had a very hectic month! Working every day, helping friends out with lovely wedding stuff, and other miscellaneous things has kept me very busy. It's nice to finally relax and just think of nothing. Of course, my body made me do that when it decided to give me a slight fever, a hacking cough, mucous filling my lungs and nose i.e. a cold. I slept. I read. I cleaned/vacuumed/washed my room. I watched TV. It was fabulous. It was also slightly boring, but it beat getting more sick at work. I was also banned from work, so that helped as well. I am much better because of that.

I have quit the Weight Watchers site, but I am still trying to live the life of a WWer. In the beginning it was hard because I just wanted to go willy-nilly and just not care. But then I remembered how much I enjoyed eating right and losing weight. And I remembered the reason why I quit was because I felt that I could beat this plateau better then a money-hungry site could. It kept saying I wasn't inputting my activity points right and that is why I reached my plateau. Forget the fact that my body got used to eating right and is now wondering what is next. Also, you have to do different physical activities in order to shock the body. They didn't even mention that. So, after much struggle (and apparently a co-workers want for me to gain weight as her revenge with cupcakes), I kept going. And I lost three more pounds! So, hah! And I am wearing smaller clothes! Hah! My friend and I went shopping one day to get a dress for the wedding, and she forced me to try Junior department clothes. I said, "No! I have never fit in those!" But, she made me and now I own clothes from the Junior department. And they fit me. They actually fit me. I am now determined to keep this up because it feels so fucking good to actually feel/see the progress of it all.

During the month of work work work, I found a new way to relax at the end of the day: listening to podcasts. Now, I used to think it weird that I would have to sit down and listen to something. I'm the type of person that has to do something while listening. I don't listen to music just sitting there. That's why I have been to maybe two concerts in my life. I am running around the room. Cleaning. Working on homework. On the computer. I like to do things. Well, someone kept telling me that I should listen to some knitting podcasts. Since I needed to find some sort of entertainment for Amie to listen to while I'm away, I figured podcasts could work for me. So, I downloaded the Knit Picks podcast while I was at it. Let me tell you, I love listening to that podcast! And I am determined to listen to all the other ones that my friends were telling me. I just love to listen to the podcast while I knit. I don't have to worry about looking up from my knitting if I am missing a scene, or have to worry about truly concentrating on plot. I was able to finish a complicated shawl pattern because of listening to the podcast. And I don't feel drained or feel stoned after listening because I am using my mind, ears, and fingers! I am also learning a lot about new knitting techniques and fiber information. So, I am determined to do this every afternoon after work. I feel more relaxed and probably will live much longer. :)

I have been enveloping myself in Michael Ondaatje. I blame my friend from knitting group. One day, I decided to go to the used bookstore next door from L'amyx Tea Bar (Spectator Bookshop). They had, on sale, Michael Ondaatje's new book "Divisadero". I fell in love with him when I read his very famous novel "The English Patient". I read it because I kept hearing about the movie. I am always the type of person that has to read the book before the movie because Hollywood always disappoints me when they try to adapt literature. I like to keep being disappointed, apparently. But, anyway. So I came into the tea bar with my prizes, and the ladies definitely had to see it. My friend and I started talking about how much we love Ondaatje. She then asked me, "Have you read his poetry?" Now, I am not the type that likes to read poetry. I prefer hearing it, but not reading it. She kept telling me that I have to read it. So, a couple of weeks ago, she gave me a humongous volume of Michael Ondaatje's works and said, "Read it. You will love it." Well, I was very much surprised to find that I DID love his poetry. I also loved his prose (always did), but I found his poetry to be surprisingly wonderful as well. Usually a huge volume like what I was given takes me longer to read, but I just kept reading and reading and reading. I was sad when I finished it today. So, after contemplating the possible Ondaatje burn-out, I decided to start reading another Michael Ondaatje book called "Anil's Ghost". I just have to be immersed a little bit more.

One more week, and I am off on vacation! Yeeaaahhhh!!! We are motorhoming down to Newport Beach, and just relaxing. The only set plans that we have is going to Disneyland for two days. Other then that...it is all up in the air. Which is nice. I have been the type of person that had to plan everything, but lately I have been wanting to just...do...nothing. No planning. No making sure we make it to a certain place at a certain time. Just...nothing. It sounds nice. I am looking forward to it.

Don't ever let me drink appletinis ever again. Especially in a fun drag queen bar and restaurant. Or let me drink shots that have the words "purple" or "hooter" in it.

The memories are slowly coming back to me. And my face is now permanently red. It will be like that for maybe three months now.

I feel soooo stupid right now. I tried to do some henna therapy for my hair to add some shine and color (red in sunshine, ahhhh!), but of course, something happened! I kept saying, "Why isn't it becoming liquid???" I made a mess of the kitchen, was almost in tears.

Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.

I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.

I really want to eat.

I miss being close to someone. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way. It used to be okay to have best friends, to have someone so close to you that it was hard to imagine a life without that person. When you are young, you don't have to worry about these things called boundaries and rules and regulations. You were just someone's friend, and you were so close that you can read their minds sometimes.

I miss that.

As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.

Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.

But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.

And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.

But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.

It just gets damn lonely sometimes.

Obviously,
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.

Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.

The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.

While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.

Religious Fanaticism?

Life is good. I've been working full time since the end of May, so I haven't had too much time for myself. Our office has been crazy busy too. This week was supposed to be a normal week for me, but we were swamped with paperwork that I came in to help the other Jennifer catch up. But starting next week the Jasmin is going on vacation (again), so I will be taking over til she comes back. And then my boss is leaving for vacation, so I will be taking over that desk (well, not literally...not a lawyer) to keep up. She is supposed to be back the second week of July. Then...I get to go on vacation! Our office is hilarious in the fact that we all piggy-backed on each other's vacations. It started with the other Jennifer from Memorial Day til this Monday, then Jasmin for the two weeks, then Mary for another two weeks, then me for a week! Although I complain (I am who I am), I do enjoy my job. We've been crazy busy, but I feel so much better after this job then any of my other jobs. I respect my co-workers, and I know that Mary would never try to cheat me.

School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.

Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.

I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.

And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.

And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.

And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."

That's pretty eeire to me.

Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.

I Want to Break Free...

After many, many days of the inability to sleep, concentrate, do anything, I have finally broken free of it all and got a good amount of sleep, yoga, and concentration of thoughts.

I had told a friend two weeks ago that I had finally felt free. Like a burden has lifted off my shoulder and I can finally feel free to breathe, live, etc. And it is still true, but some times there are residual demons that haunt me randomly. Especially when I proclaim said freedom. That is what happened this time.

I think it was the time of year combined with the fact that I have been going nowhere with my love life added with a big decision that I don't want to try anymore. (Yes. Yes. I know. Don't quit. Don't give up. Love will happen. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please accept the fact that I want to quit and will. Let's get past that fact.) In a way, my decision was breaking my heart and dreams. Add to the fact that I am surrounded by the lovey dovey feelings with the my body feeling the natural tugs and pulls of Mother Earth and her need to procreate. So it would be normal to get down and not be able to sleep. Thoughts were starting to permeate my brain, and start adding fodder to my imagination. So, no sleep. I wasn't confused, but I was just getting sad by all the realizations that were hitting me head on all at once.

What helped? Writing. Since Netflix was down (and I couldn't watch my precious The Office episodes...maybe one of the small factors of why I didn't get much sleep), I decided to sit down and write all these thoughts out on paper. That's why I keep my diary because there are just times when I need that soundboard. I know that I have my friends to talk to, but it is different. This sounds harsh, but I need to be able to talk/write without anyone interrupting me with advice and addages. I'm the type of person that talks to herself sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I am truly talking to myself and people would take me to an asylum if they saw me. This is how I process. I got it from my mom (she tends to talk under her breath when she's working...or gardening...or just walking). In order to not be put in an asylum, I write in my diary about my thoughts. I process it all, and I just let it all out. It's like free writing, but without coming up with an amazing story. I instead figure out what is going on in my weird brain of mine. And that is what happened with me last night. I got out all of those thoughts that I was having, and just put them to words and let them air out. I truly believe that thoughts tend to get moist and start to grow mold in the brain, so they need to get aired out and become free from the restraints. These thoughts were starting to build up a castle until I aired them out.

And so I broke free from everything. I feel at peace with my decisions. I know it is for the best, and my heart is mending from it all.

I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. I'm noticing this trend of wanting to break free, or just wanting to be free to make decisions. Of course, one must know Freddie Mercury's history to understand why this trend (he was a closeted bisexual man who died of AIDS), but it also spurred me on. It reminded me so much of when I was in the closet, and when I broke free it felt so good. And now, in a way, I am breaking free but in a different sense. I am breaking free from the damaging dreams that I had in my head, and it feels really good to not have that pressure. In a way, I am like Freddie Mercury (without the AIDS): I want to break free, and I have.

and so it begins...

Spring is here. I am sneezing like mad, and going nuts because the flower are so gorgeous and I can only produce mucus to show my pleasure.

Spring tends to also kill my ability to think straight (ha ha ha, yeah, I know) about anything. All day today I day dreamed about the most fantastical things. I mean, forget the soap operas, I dreamed up my own juicy stories! Of course, it helped that we were slow today. Once the flowers bloom and the sun starts to shine through the dense clouds, my imagination starts to overwork and create imaginary feelings or secret wantings. I am trying to monitor it and make sure that I don't go overboard with my imagination. But it feels so good to get that little sensory back in my life. It has been dead lately, and I have been missing that pure adrenaline when the clouds seem to surround my peripherals.


And then there is Summer. Where I have known to lose all inhibition and start taking off clothes out of desire and pure hatred of sweaty garments. That does not involve imagination but pure action. I have been known to lose a many of things during this time of year, especially when my hormones started to come in at fifteen. I tend to stay indoors because of this.

My mantra for this year: I do not need society's idea of happiness. I do not need society's idea of happiness. I am fulfilled in many ways without a partner in my life, and that is how it will stay. Some people say that is just giving up and not letting life in; I say it is accepting something that has been the hardest to accept. My fear of being alone has encompassed my life since I realized the existence of romantic love. After years of thinking that I was too ugly for people, too annoying for people, or just too something (fill in the blank), I am happy just saying that I am good enough for me.

It feels so fucking good. Just tell that to my over-working imagination and sensory-driven/passion-wanting mind.

And so I heal it all with some Amie love and The Office. Oh yeah.

Meet Amie

He has become the love of my life. Forget any others; I have found him!

He's blue, feathery all over, and a character! But he does tend to be overly anxious, so we will teach him otherwise. He loves Amadeus Mozart (and anything classy), but can rock it with Queen. And, most of all, he knows how to keep a clean cage!


Isn't he a cutie!!!!! Love him.

Perfection

Someday I will not want perfection. Someday I will not run my matches through my high standards of want. Someday I will actually like a woman that is good for me and actually likes me.

Yeah, sure. And I will suddenly have my hair change a bright orange and blue with spots without my help.

I know this is the usual thing with dating, but it seems like it is my personal journey. I know, how arrogant of me. But it seems like I either settle down and just date the ones that don't excite me, or I run after the ones that are horribly bad for me. Even when I am specifically dating women, I do the same thing. It's this personality trait that I can't seem to shake. I would like it to just change and I actually am attracted to the good people.

I'm in this situation that I know how to handle, but I hate it. I had a nice date with one of the ladies I mentioned earlier. It was nice, and she was great and drove an hour and twenty minutes to see me. She is warm, and seems like she and I could get along great. But there was no spark. I didn't cringe when I met her, but I didn't feel anything physical coming from my gut. I felt like I was talking with a friend instead of a potential date. I've been trying not to overanalyze, but it is hard. I want to do what I normally do and just try another date. But my gut and heart is telling me, "No, don't do it. You did it once before, and you hurt people."

Sometimes I wonder if I psyche myself to feel this way. I wasn't as excited to meet her because I felt from the emails that I would feel this way. I just wanted to see how we acted in person because you could feel different in person. But I felt the same way in person. I felt like she was cool, but no desire to jump her. Now, I know a good relationship starts with friendship...but shouldn't you feel at least like it is a possibility? Shouldn't you want to say, "Huh, she's nice looking..."?

In the end, I am looking for perfection. And that really startles me because she and I touched that in our date. She and I were talking about my dating record, and she asked me why I never got involved with a woman. I said, "I'm picky. I am looking for perfection." And she said, "Are you still?" And I paused and then lied. But I will always look for perfection. Maybe that's a path that will never succeed, but ah well. I want someone to be great personality wise and physical wise. I want to be able to say, "You're cute" and also be able to be inspired by her personality.

I know. I am doomed. I just don't want to be with someone. And maybe that's the thing; maybe I am hiding from something. Or maybe I just suck at dating. That's just who I am. I have tried to change, but it's hard. Maybe I can, or maybe I will stuck in singlehood for the rest of my life. I think I am fine with that though. Until Christmas and Valentine's Day comes around, and I will be curmudgeonly. But that's just how life is, and I will accept it in the end.

I know. I am doomed.

Jai Ho! And other miscellaneous items...

According to Wikipedia: "...[Jai Ho] means "Freedom to Thee". It can also mean 'Praise', 'Hail' or 'Hallelujah'. When translated directly into hindi, 'jai' means 'prayer' or 'pray.' 'Jai ho' is usually said collectively during and at the end of prayers... A.R. Rahman [has] stated [at a performance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show"] "Jai Ho" means 'May Victory be Yours'."

Although I love the song for its optimistic beat and encouraging lyrics, if I hear another princessy, "I Love Anime and other foreign pop culture" little girl say when I say "Jai Ho", "Oh my god, I love that song!" I will seriously hit them over the head and tell them to get a fucking clue.

Reason why I am saying Jai Ho: I have been ranked #5 in the Library Page competition, I mean, job. Now, I thought that was pretty awesome! I mean, shoot, I'm number five in a 800 number candidate list! But then I was warned that there are multiple people in one ranking. So, I'm not as optimistic about it all. There could be a hundred people in the number one ranking. There could be ten people in front of me in the fifth ranking. So, yes, I am happy that I got a pretty good score. But not optimistic that I will be called in next week for an instant-hire interview.

Work:

I have been taking up more shifts at work this past week because my supervisor is on vacation until next Thursday. Now, that's great for me because I got a raise recently and now I have a few more hours to incure more money. But it has definitely been exhausting. I forgot how it was to wake up every morning at the same time, and going home to have to do it again. My body loves to be lazy, but I am definitely going to whip it into shape. I mean, come on, I will be going to school and going to work! It will have to get used to be tired.

What has been irritating me this past week though is the fact that my work sharing partner just doesn't have the same work ethic as me. It's something that I am trying to reconcile my brain to understand that not everyone can be the same as me. My work ethic is that I come in and do the best that I can, and if my boss needs me I am always there to help out. Like in this case, I am willing to sacrifice my days off to come in all day to help out and do Jasmin's work. My work sharing partner isn't like that. She comes in irregularly, or doesn't come in at all. And so I have had to be Jazznifer (combination of Jasmin's job and my job), and that has added to my exhaustion. Now, I could just not do Jasmin's job. But my boss wouldn't let me do that. She gives me both job's work because the other Jennifer isn't there. But that is just life. I chose to come in on my days off and take care of everything. I chose to earn extra money. The other Jennifer chose not to. I've been irritated that this has happened, but I am trying to reconcile that we have free will and that she chose to not give a good gosh darn about the office and choose to do whatever the hell she wants. I wish I could do that. Maybe that's why I am irritated: my brain just won't let me do that. If I did, I would start to feel guilt and start to think that I am not a good worker.

But then again, because of this work ethic, I got a raise. I got recognition. So, that means something, right? Maybe I shouldn't be envious of her work ethic because one doesn't get rewarded for that type of work?

Or maybe not.

On my love life:

I have heard some have wanted an update on my love life. Well, it's been pretty stagnant lately. I was supposed to have a first date with one woman last Sunday, but it was cancelled because she had unexpected plans the day before. We haven't rescheduled. I have been debating whether I should text/call her to see if she would like to reschedule, but I also know that the ball is really in her court. She is more busy than me because of school, so I don't want to come off as somewhat needy. So, we will see. If I don't hear back from her in the next two weeks, I will contact her and see.

I do have a first date with another woman next Saturday. It's just a coffee date, and I am not expecting much. We've been corresponding through email for some months, and finally decided to meet. The thing is she lives further away (San Jose/Monterey area), and we don't have a lot in common. We have some, but maybe not enough to build anything from it. But we will see. The thing is, she sent me an email right before I started getting really busy at work. Now, when I get really busy at work, I have no desire to turn on my computer. And although my phone has the capacity to write an email back, I don't like to write long emails (which is what she and I tend to do in emails) on my phone. So, I didn't write to her for almost a week. I sent her an email, but she hasn't sent one back. It could be she's really busy as well, so I'm not that worried. But it could be that she didn't particularly like the fact that I didn't respond as quickly as I used to. But ah well.

Other then that, my love life has been the usual nothing-is-happening. Maybe it's because I've been pretty busy with work (and possible jobs) and starting school, but I just haven't had the desire to date. Is that weird? I'll go through periods where I would definitely like to be in a partnership, but then I'll slowly just not care and like being single. It's like a mood swing.

Other:

I decided to not count for the past week and a half. It's really hard to count points when you have birthdays upon birthdays and then try to compile lunch for the busy day. I am going to start counting this Monday, but it feels good to just be free. I haven't gone too crazy. I've been keeping to small portions, just not caring about whether it is low calorie or not. Although I did go on a baking fringe. And I had Val's (great burger joint) last night. But I didn't eat fried fish when my parent's wanted fish and chips (I had Teriyaki shrimp instead). And when I ate fried chicken last Sunday, I felt absolutely sick (hence why I didn't eat fried fish the next time). I used to think that I wouldn't be able to stop eating fried foods. Now I just can't possibly think about it or I will get sick.

Stupid Weight Watchers. You ruined my joy of fried foods. But you will never ruin my love for chocolate! And peanut butter!

Which, reminds me, I found a great low fat peanut butter spread. Called Better N' Peanut Butter, and it tastes really good. It has that good smokey flavor that you miss out on Jiffy and Skippy (I always taste the sugar in those...), and it makes a great Peanut Butter sandwich. It was recommended by Hungry Girl, and Trader Joe's provides it. That makes it a good find to me. If I can find it at Trader Joe's rather then Safeway, it means it's a great find.

That's about it. I've been really stir crazy lately, so I've been rearranging my room. I would like the free space to go to a bird or some other cool pet, but I don't see that in the near future. Although I take care of my responsibilities and didn't kill their fish, my parents still won't let me bring in a nice, furry(or feathery) friend. Some day. Some day...