Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Coming Out and Strength

It seems like the theme of my life is revealing different things of my life like onion layers. Coming out as a feminist (although, that wasn't a huge deal, really). Coming out as gay (that was a huge deal). Coming out as a book lover. Coming out as a knitter. All things I must reveal to others like its this dramatic occurrence when it could be nothing at all (as you can see with the feminist revealing). Maybe because there are times when I just don't want to deal with what is happening and so I hide it from others so I don't have to. But eventually it festers and rots and I explode in fiery passion. (The book lover, knitter, and feminist didn't happen that way, obviously) I need to learn not to do that.

Almost two months ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now the other posts make more sense. If you don't know what fibromyalgia is, check out this link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001463/

Technically, it's a syndrome because it has multiple symptoms related to different areas of the body. But, to me, it's a disease. Because in order to truly get it through people's heads that this isn't fun for me, I have to call it a disease. To look on the bright side though: it's not degenerative and I won't die. So, yeah! But there are days where the pain and the stumbles from the "fibro fog" just makes me feel like I am so useless that I want to die. Which, goes back to what I have because depression is one part of fibromyalgia. I know, it sounds selfish and dramatic. But that is how I feel. I am a dramatic woman, what can I say. It just goes back to the fact that I have been a master to my body, and my body has gotten the last word. And there are days when I just don't want to fight with it anymore. But I continue to do it because I know better.

After two months of reading, attuning, changing, and experimenting, I know a couple of things: I can't have chocolate (can you see why this chocoholic is being dramatic?). I can't have too much sugar, especially processed sugar (Are we at all surprised?). I can't have too much beef, which is fine because I have been wanting to cut that back for awhile. Before the diagnosis I was wondering why I was having a hard time biking when I could bike easily two years ago...now I know why. I can still bike, but I think I have to work up to it. I'm attempting to do yoga, but money is definitely an issue. I can't do yoga, acupuncture (another helpful suggestion), and other things on my salary. I know of a free yoga session in CV, but it's on Sunday evenings and by the time I remember about it it's over. I will get there eventually. I already tried one medication and found bad results, but the new medicine seems to be okay. It's a slow process, and I am learning to be patient.

With this, I am attempting to find strength in the positive. What hinders this is having a bad case of the fibro fog when you're attempting to do a job like mine. You really can't make mistakes in my job. If you make too many mistakes, attorneys will distrust you and eventually will let you go. Mistakes means lost money and a disgraced image. Although you learn so many great things through mistakes, law is not forgiving. And, unfortunately because of my fibro fog, I am already seen as "stupid" (note: they have NEVER said that to me. Don't worry. But I know when lawyers don't trust you anymore because they don't feel you're reliable or good...and I see it). Last week, I had to ask a lawyer three times what he meant and I got that exasperated voice. I am learning to bring a pad of paper with me at all times so I won't forget. The other day I wrote a letter, double-triple checked it, the lawyer signed it, and went out. Only to find this morning that it was filled with errors. It was so obvious when I saw it this morning. And I nodded stoically, agreed that that was not good, and that I needed to be more detail-oriented. The attorney was nice, and there was nothing wrong with the interaction at all. But once I got to my office, I needed to close the door because the tears would not stop coming. The thing is, I used to be extremely detail-oriented. Errors would normally not pass my eyes without being corrected. Only time they have was when I was rushed. When I wrote this damning letter I was not rushed. I wrote that letter when I was "foggy", and I didn't notice the blatant errors in front of my face. And that was why I was crying. Because at that moment I just wanted to give up.

The pain, I can handle. Take some Advil, drink some water, and eventually it will ease up a bit. But my mind...my mind is something that I have been fighting for since I was kicked out of Montessori preschool. As it has been seen, I have encountered many people that have thought I was stupid or an idiot. I was just reaching the moment where I finally came to the point where I believed I was smart and capable. I got my Master's degree with a 3.98 GPA (I know, right?). I finally saw that I was good at what I do, even if it wasn't my first choice in the beginning. So this "fog" is putting me back in that stupid place, and that is where the "giving up" is coming from. It's out of being tired of fighting the demons again. Because these demons are getting old.

So, please be gentle with me. I will eventually get back to where I was before. Just another hurdle. But, please: recognize that this sucks for me? That, yes, I am attempting to be positive, but that this isn't just a nuisance. It's something that not only is changing my life, but hindering it as well. So, be understanding for awhile. If I'm like this a year from now, then you may hit me over the head and tell me "Get over it". But I will attempt not to be here a year from now. :)