The Journey of Me

Statistics of 2011 & Goals for 2012

2011-12-31T13:56:00.000-08:00

Number of Jobs Held in 2011
5

Number of Breakdowns because of Above-Said Statistic
About 2 million

Number of Master Degrees Earned
1

New Pet Acquired
1 green parakeet

Number of Life-Changing Events
A lot...I can't count.

All in all...I believe a great year. Tiring, yes. Painful at times, yes. But absolutely amazing. What a great ride!

Goals for 2012
* Read & listen more books (I know, that was a resolution/goal last year...but I failed miserably because of school and life. This time I plan to keep it. I also found the love of audiobooks, so that helps).
* Less oversharing in social media, more restraint towards social media.
* Positive thinking. Yes, the glass is half empty, but look! There is a carton of milk over there! Let's fill it up.
* More time with friends (Again...I failed. Time to actually do more of this while saving money)
* Save money (This time I have a goal to why I want to save money).
* Continue to spend more time to take care of myself mentally and physically (exercise, relaxation time, doing things I enjoy like biking, yoga, painting nails, etc.).

What the Librarian Did On Her Summer Break...

2011-09-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

She worked.

Yes, I got a job. Finally! And after two months I still like it! It is a miracle! It doesn't require a lot of thought processes, but it is a job that pays. That is what counts. It is also in the library science field (the cataloguing/collection management concentration of the field). The title is Labeling Technician. The unofficial description is basically my standing in front of a moving computer converted barcodes on library materials into big white RFID stickers. I then hide these stickers in the materials.

The Sticker:

As I said, not much brain cells needed for this job. But I get to fondle books every day. Who can beat that? I also am allowed to listen to my IPod while doing the conversion, so I am listening to a lot of audiobooks. I started with a lot of books I have already read, and am slowly getting used to listening to books I have not read. So while I fondle books, I get to "read" books. If I can figure out how to knit while doing the conversion, my life would be absolutely complete.

It is physically tiring though. Almost all libraries have concrete floors hidden under cheap carpet. After about 8 hours of standing on that, your feet would complain too. Also if you want to get the average numbers needed to be a good tagger, you have to expect to lift a lot of books and other materials. My first two weeks were spent getting used to the aches and pangs of my body. Now my body is getting fit! I think I have lost about two inches from my waist, and my arms are starting to get sculpted. I am liking the perks of it all.

And, yes, we do have a goal that we need to make every day. We taggers needs to make sure to tag 1,200 items every day. If you go above that number you also get a bonus. I haven't figured out the exact math behind it, but either way you get more money if you go above 1200. At the moment my best number has been 1,987. I am aiming for 2,000, and I will get it someday. There is no need to be competitive; it just makes the job more interesting. :) The position is a great starting point for me, and I am excited to see where I will end up after the project is over.

The School Stuff
Other than getting used to the new job, I have been attempting to enjoy all the stuff I couldn't do while in school. I hung out with friends, did some wine tasting, and just generally enjoyed not doing homework. I couldn't do a lot of what I wanted because of the money factor, but I enjoyed what I could within my means. I accrued a lot of debt while unemployed, so I am still paying that off. I have a game plan in place to fix the debt. That means giving up some things like my smartphone, but it is worth it to be debt free again.

Now school has started, and I am attempting to get my mind into school mode. Senioritis has kicked in though, and I am attempting to cure it with very little progress. I only have two classes this semester, so I will not be rushing around like I was last semester. Thank goodness! One class though requires a lot of writing with no true deadlines...so I am attempting to put some inspiration for myself to actually do it.

That is a list of competencies that I have to write about for my class. The class is structured like how a thesis class is for most master's programs. My master program is different: we have an option to create an e-portfolio. We present evidence from our past classes that prove we fulfilled these competencies. But we have to introduce the evidence, argue that this evidence fulfills the outlined competencies, and create a philosophy out of these linked works. It doesn't sound like a lot, but there are about 14 competencies where there should be more than one piece of evidence. Also, there are no strict deadlines to finish this until early November. This is hard for the procrastinator in me because I will just want to wait until late October to do this. That is not recommended. So I have instilled a schedule for me and making it concrete in my head. Still doesn't mean I am inspired to write it. This weekend I said I would spend two days to work on it. Yeah, that hasn't happened. I keep saying I will work on it tomorrow. Ah, senioritis in a procrastinator. I will be okay though. I at least did some schoolwork this morning for my other class. So, not that lazy. :-D I know that once I set up a game plan, I will stick to it. So tomorrow I will be writing non-stop. I hope.

The Celibate Librarian

After a lot of dating and exploration, I have decided to take a very long break from dating and relationships. I realized recently that I have not been without a crush or love interest for a good long time (i.e. probably around 6 years...). I am also counting the small crushes and huge infatuations that I have had in the past. I have never given my heart and mind a break in order to truly know what I want. If I earnestly want to find the right person for me (or find peace with being single) I need to be okay with having no interest at all. If I have any inklings of interests, it then leads to my not wanting to be alone. I need to be okay with being alone. So no dating, no crushes, no remote possible interest in anyone. No inappropriate crushes that make me blush. No looking at online profiles on Okcupid.com. None.

I have also given up on online dating sites. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I propose that my using Okcupid and other dating sites is insanity. Other than a few exceptions, I have found that women either stand me up or are absolutely insane. So, no more. Once this mandated celibacy is over, I am going to date another way.

And with that, my life is updated. I will leave you with a very appropriate video for what I am feeling right now.

Surviving

2011-03-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

The Midterm Crunch

I got through midterms (which were during my birthday...was not happy about that) with lots of scratches, bruises, and maybe some sleep-deprivation. But even with all that, I got good grades. This will be my second to last midterm season. I can't wait.

Channeling Sylvia Plath

It seemed for the past few weeks or so I wasn't really myself. I have been going through some tough times: work, money, life. Well, not really life. Life was actually going well. It was the job and money that was pulling me down. I have been trying to find another job because the Sylvan gig is ending soon. And, to be honest, doesn't pay enough for me to survive. But I will not go into that drama. Either way, I need to find another job because I am flat out broke.

Although the job market is getting better, it is still not healthy enough. Especially for libraries. I applied for two library assistant jobs. I interviewed for both jobs. Both weren't as much money as I was hoping for, but I was willing to do it because it was experience. Both turned me down flat. Imagine the frustration.

I'm still looking, and I am determined to apply for at least one job at day. I used to do more a day, doing a more spray-gun method, but it seemed like I was just getting jobs that I was not really interested in and not enough money. I am being more thoughtful about this process.

But with all this, I was just completely down. I was feeling very un-needed, poor, useless, filler, etc. Fill in the blank with the worse adjective you can think of and put it in there. I am not sure if it was because of hormone levels combined with the situation, but I had a hard time pulling myself out of this depression. Now, normally I would not use that word. Yes, that word: depression. Because, for me, depression is just not being really sad. It is so sad that you can't move, do, think, breathe without that monkey on your back. That silly little monkey that says, "You're not good enough" or "Stop being an idiot" or gives you awful images in your brain that you can not shake. Being depressed is a very serious matter to me. So when I use that word it means it is serious. And this was serious. I had to push myself to do things. I would literally tell myself to get out of bed so I could do schoolwork. Now, imagine you have midterms and trying to do this. It's not fun. I just couldn't get myself motivated to do anything. I pushed through, and I got myself to do what needed to be done.

What got me out of this funk was finally reaching out to friends. Taking the sting out of what was going on in my head and heart, and talking it out with my friend. She was very helpful (and I am forever grateful to her...she knows who she is) and really listened to me. I think just talking really put things into perspective for me. It also helped to finally be surrounded by friends. I had been hiding myself lately, so it was good to get some fresh air and see my friends again. Although I am still somewhat hiding this week (this is only because I am conserving gas than hiding), I am still trying to make sure to get some fresh air. I stayed outside all day today in the sunshine with Amie. It was amazing.

And tomorrow I have my knitting gals (I love ya), Friday the Vagina Monologues, and Saturday my friend's birthday party. Then my parents will be back from their trip! Oh, yeah, that's probably another reason why I have been having a hard time: I am all alone in this big ass house. And I truly think there is some spirit haunting this house. Sometimes I feel a presence that at night freaks me out. And then a strange thing happened with the lights with my friends were over for dinner...it was strange. So, yeah, it will be nice to have two more people in this house.

The TV Expermintation

Speaking of this week, I have decided to do an experiment. For awhile it seemed like I wasn't turning on my TV. I had been doing some podcast and video podcast research, and so I have been catching up on a lot of these popular podcasts and videos. Because of this I haven't had much time watching my shows. I have had a lot of time with my knitting though. Anyway, I realized on Sunday this phenomenon and thought, "I wonder if I can do that..." So, three days in and I am loving this feeling. I feel the vocabulary expanding, the brain cells increasing, and the information slowly becoming knowledge. It's great.

In this experimentation though I realized that I do watch a lot of TV. I had always accepted it in my life because I live in a culture and environment that focuses on TV. But I wonder if I can at least lessen what I watch. If you looked through the list of shows that I DVR, it is a long list. And if I don't watch it a week (or in this case two to three weeks...) it really adds up. Imagine all of these shows are 1 hour long too. It gets ridiculous how much time I spend trying to catch up on these shows. Yes, I get a lot of knitting done but in the end I feel brain dead.

So I have decided that I am going to get rid of over half of my list. I know. Shocking. I will probably keep some shows that I absolutely adore (Glee. Modern Family. Castle. Parenthood, although they may cancel it...), but I feel that I can get rid of the rest. The Office doesn't need more viewers. It has enough. Other shows that have just started are just not as good anyway. I have kept them on because I feel bad. But why should I feel bad? If they're not good, they will cancel it anyway. I just don't want to waste time on a show that I am not enjoying.

I am hoping this will keep me in this motivated state. I am loving this feeling that I have this week. I am reading more. I also am listening to a podcast called "Craftlit" that reads books to me while I knit. I love it. I think I am going to start looking for audiobooks for when I want to knit. I also have Netflix that has been ill-used because TV shows have taken over my life. If I want to watch a show, I can easily watch it with the 'rents. Or rent it on Netflix. It's not that hard.

This was a surprisingly hard decision to make. TV was something that I was raised on. In a way, TV was the parent that was willing to dish out the dirty stuff that my parents couldn't. I learned what sex was from the TV (Thank you, 90210). I learned the latest fads, etc etc etc. You get the picture. My parents put us in front of the TV so they could get stuff done. My earliest memories were of TV. I remember when we were moving to Castro Valley, they squatted us right in where the family room would be and had us watch the last movie in "Star Wars". The only memory I have when we lived in Hayward was the huge projection TV we used to have. I really was raised with TV. So this is going to be fun.

Real fun.

Drop, Frog, and Roll: How Knitting is Life

2011-02-27T13:53:00.000-08:00

I always wonder if people think it's weird that I am so into knitting. Why do I always go on and on about yarns, socks, and some other thing that involves knitting. Half of my usernames involve knitting. Everything in my room has some sort of knitting thing involved. Why has knitting become a huge thing in my life?

I learned how to knit when I was 12. It wasn't because of a grandmother or other relatives. It was all because I was being a brat to my daycare person and she said to me that if I didn't behave I would not be able to learn how to knit. Don't ask me how this worked, but it did. That day started the long journey of squares, scarfs, and lots of mistaken identities of other things. It wasn't until college when an exasperated friend that owned two god-awful scarves bought me Debbie Stroller's "Stitch and Bitch" did I move from scarf hell. Confidence grew. Information of better yarns were acquired. Yarn snobbiness was created in my habits. Another friend who really wanted funky socks was the one that inspired my sock knitting and changed the whole entire landscape of my knitting. I joined a knitting group. Everything became knitting themed.

I became an avid knitter.

But why? I believe it's because whatever you do, the skill is still your skill. Even when I did tons of those mistaken projects, I was still a knitter. I can make mistakes, and still go from it unscathed. If I absolutely hate a project, I can undo (or frog) it and start again.

And the fact that a craft can take a mistake and make it art...

(dropped stitches at the right hand corner)

Is amazing...I love it. As a clutzy, prone-to-mistakes human, I enjoy the fact that a mistake can be art, a mistake can be changed, a mistake can help make a better project. It makes life more interesting in my book.

Meltdown #1,205

2011-02-15T21:42:00.000-08:00

So I had my obligatory semester meltdown today.

How do I describe it but hitting a brick wall.

Today was already emotional for the fact that I woke up at 4:50 a.m. not wanting to (who ever wants to wake up at 4:50 a.m.?), then remembering this is the last time I will because this is my last week at the library. I have been middle of the road about the job ending. I am not a morning person, but I love doing what I was doing. Sometimes I would get bored (I am too productive for my own good), but I still loved it. And so as I was thinking about this job ending, I start suddenly thinking numbers in my head. Oh crap. Oh boy. Wait. How am I going to afford living off just this one job? Wait...Stitches West is coming up...how am I going to afford the yarn and pay for my bills this month? Woah...not possible. So, that means I can't buy yarn. After a year (long, torturous, broken-twice) of not buying yarn, I can't even break the fast. Are. You. Kidding. Me?

So, was already sad. Then got even more sad as we had our department meeting and had to brainstorm of how to cut costs (Realization kicking in: people still don't understand that literacy is important and Government doesn't care about libraries/education). Then saying goodbye to great coworkers (they gave me a gift card to Borders). Then realizing, again, that I won't be coming back again while getting things ordered for my old supervisor to come back from leave.

Only sunny silver lining: my kids were so good. And I finally saw the moment information became knowledge. I love it. And they earned their cupcakes.

Then coming home to find an assignment due tonight (or yesterday...could never figure out the midnight deadline thing...is it tonight or was it due this morning when I was blissfully sleeping?). It was all my fault. I didn't look at my calendar. I didn't look closely to the class announcements (none of my professors really used it without using the email function as well). Luckily it was a quick assignment and after calming down I was able to get it done (although I feel like I am missing something)...but still.

Brick walls hurt.

But don't worry: I will straighten my nose (like I always do) and be okay. Just need to get the crazy out before I can get back to the scheduled programming.

Okay, done.

Knitting For Katherine website

2011-02-12T20:14:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

So, I have a very good friend (best friend, really) that is really sick. Because of stupid circumstances, she was having problems with getting treatment for her sickness. So I decided to try to help. All of the proceeds (and I mean all) go to my friend. So, check it out!

Also, if you are crafty and have anything that you feel you are ready to give up for a good cause, contact me. I will gladly take donations.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/knittingforkatherine

Stitches West and the Dreaded YD

2011-02-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

Every February there is a knitting and yarn convention in Santa Clara. I was introduced to this amazing event about two years ago, and since then my yarn purchasing habits has revolved around this event. Now for those that do not know this event or have never been to this event, just imagine to yourself a huge warehouse (and I mean huge) filled to the maximum of your favorite things/hobbies/foods/etc. Imagine the joy: the pure, unadulterated, full-of-wonder joy that would fill your heart, stomach, body. It would be enough to explode, right?

Well...that's what Stitches West is for us knitters and fiber aficionados.

The rules about Stitches West (and there are rules...duh, it's a humongous convention center filled with yarn and knitting/crochet patterns) is that 1. you don't bring your credit card. Not even for emergencies because when you see a yarn that is absolutely to die for you will think it is an emergency to get that skein (ball) of yarn. And if you do have to bring a credit card, it better have the lowest limit possible ($50 or so). Because...you will be spending up to $500 at the end of it (what happened last year).

2. Bring your true friends. Don't think you will benefit from going by yourself or with acquaintences. Because your true friends will say, "Put that gorgeous purple yarn down...no...no, no, you have three more like that at home. PUT. IT. DOWN..." They will save you money and the dread of "Why the hell do I have all this purple yarn?"

3. Take a breath. Yes, I know, there are millions (I bet there are...come on, it gets majorly crowded at the Santa Clara Convention Center) of women milling around the aisles that may or may not steal that precious yarn that you have been coveting online for three months. But, it's okay. That's why vendors have more than just one.

4. And last, get there early. Doors open at 10 a.m. You better buy your ticket online two days before and camp out there at 9 a.m. Or, if you want to be first in line, at 7 a.m.

* * *

Last year I went yarn CRAZY. I bought not $100 dollars, not $200 dollars, but $500 dollars of yarn. I had to reorganize my stash baskets in order to squeeze all the yarn I bought into them. I am not fortunate to have a yarn room *cough cough I love you who do cough cough*. While reorganizing I realized that I had tons of yarn that I had bought at my first Stitches (so about two years ago thene). Looking at the pile of new yarn and the pile of old yarn I realized I need to stop buying and start knitting. So I put myself on a Yarn Diet (YD). No more buying yarn until the next Stitches West.

Well, with the exception of yarn bought as gifts and a sale that I could not pass up, I have successfully gotten through my yarn diet. And I had gotten through most of my old yarn. It was a huge task, but I did it! I got a lot of cardigans, socks, and other stuff made out of it. Some of them turned out to be absolutely yucky (I hate making sweaters...), and some turned out to be fabulous (I still love Blue Moon Fibers Socks that Rock...no matter how many skeins of them I went through this year).

Because of this perspective of what I bought two years ago, I decided that I should really reorganize my yarn stash baskets so I know how much room I have and to know what I do NOT need. I organized it so that stuff that I bought last year would be merged the older stuff. This is the result:

So...yeah...that's a lot of yarn. And that's just one basket. I have two other ones. Luckily one of the baskets is now a little empty, so now I can fill it up for Stitches West!

Well, and this year I will also be going to Stitches South in Atlanta, GA. So...I guess the YD continues...I think I can handle it.

I think...we'll see.

Following the Lists

2011-01-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

It seems like 2011 is the year of the Lists. Every where I turn, I am making lists of things I want to make sure I do, things I don't want to do, acts I would like to continue, acts I don't want to continue. I made my list of resolutions or ideas at the beginning of the year, but now they keep growing. I like this feeling, but at the same time I want to make sure that I actually follow them rather than make them and then they fall to the waist-side.

I made a list on my whiteboard in my bathroom. The whiteboard is there to remind me of school and bill deadlines. Now it also holds a list of things to remember every day.

1. is "SAVE $". It is to remind me that I don't have to have everything. I have redone my wardrobe. It is good for now.

2. is "PEACE (peace sign)". It is to remind me that I need to find peace in everything. Not everything has to be such a big deal. Let it go. I need to remember that when I am starving and just want to sit down and eat.

3. is "BEAUTY (sparkly star image)". It is to remind me that I need to spend more time on my appearance because I AM beautiful. Ever since I was a kid I didn't spend time on my appearance because I never believed I was beautiful. I was surrounded by people that didn't believe I was at all pretty. So I never believed it myself. So I didn't do anything to my nails (sometimes I did...but it looked crappy and people loved to point it out), face (I didn't do it well in High School so for awhile I looked like a painted clown. Someone pointed it out and so I stopped), or really hair (bad haircuts...just bad haircuts). Now I am really going to do something for my appearance. Make sure to do my hair, paint my own nails (I still need to follow #1), and make sure to take care of other beauty needs (of course still making sure to follow #1).

4. is "SELF :)". It is to remind me to take time out of life to take care of myself. That makes more bubble baths with some new age music blasting. To read more fun books. To have weekends like this where I do absolutely nothing and so I have time to do errands that are for me.

and last but not least, "FRIENDS :) :)". It is to remind myself to still take time to appreciate the friends that I have. Take time out to spend time with all of them (whether it be group or single). Because I still have friends out there that I still consider friends but I don't see often. Even when they live 15 minutes again. I want to show my appreciation to them and that I still think of them as one of my friends. Also to remember that these were the people that stuck by me even when the shit was constantly hitting the fan. They stuck by through everything. I want to make sure I show them my gratitude.

So, that's one list. Another is not a list but really an emphasis of everything that has been listed before. I have decided that I am going to only go grocery shopping once a month and that I am only allowed to buy $100.00. I was able to do it in college, and I think I can still do it now. Now the reason why I put a time limit is because it seemed like I was going to Trader Joe's once to three times a week. Those visits started to add up money wise. And, really, a lot of the stuff I would buy ended up being thrown away because they would go bad. Now that I have this time restraint, I buy only the essentials. And with these, I tend to buy enough that I can stretch them out. For instance, I bought a carton of raspberries that I divided them up into packages of around 11 berries (8 packages). Four are in the refrigerator. Four are in the freezer. So that way I will not feel the need to go to Trader Joe's if I run out (and they won't go bad because I plan to eat them with my greek yoghurt once a day).

In relation to grocery shopping, I am determined that I will not eat a lot of processed foods. I will also try not to eat out too much. Now, I am not going to be too strict about that. Of course, I can't help it when I am out with friends or with my parents (just tonight we spent all night trying to find a place to eat out). But I can help it when I am alone. It's not fast food that I have a problem with (I haven't had fast food in a long time...excluding In 'N Out. I am talking McDonald's, Carl's Jr., etc.). It's the fact that when I do eat alone by myself I don't eat fast food. I eat the slightly more pricey food. If I am going to save, might as well cut that out. And the avoiding processed food is a given. As I told my dad, I don't want to be so preserved that I am 110 years old and I just want to die because I am lonely. I want to die a good ripe age of 80 without the help of preservatives. Again, I understand that some foods are going to have preservatives. But I can at least cut out most of them. For instance, when I used to bring lunch into work I would eat the Lean Cuisines and Healthy Choice meals. Those are good calorie wise, but think of all the weird chemicals they put in there to make them low calorie. I would rather have middle calorie intake and know what is going into my food. So lately I have been bringing lunch with food that can carry. Like burritos that I make on the spot or turkey burgers (burgers that I put together, grilled and froze in the freezer). This time around I went even further and bought sweet potatoes (already cut into spears) and made my own sweet potato fries and froze for my future lunch. Because sometimes I don't even trust the frozen packages they have at Trader Joe's.

Of course, I am not going to be strict. If I slip and buy a package of frozen sweet potatoes I am not going to make a massive scene (picture: wailing, a kimono, and a white mask streaked with tears). This is just me wanting to feel better about my food choices. This comes down to two desires: 1. save money and 2. to stop being an over-eater. Now, I know #1 would be easier with a full time job and #2 will never happen. But I can try, right? I can at least make it a habit to want to eat better foods and not crave fatty, carbo-filled, chocolate-covered, massive amounts of preservatives that fill my waking dreams. Right? I think so.

Don't worry, my friends. I will not be moving to a farm and asking you to call me Rainbow. Yet. ;)

Get the Back Up

2011-01-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

The weekend after New Year's, my sister and I went skiing. I haven't skiied much since last year, but I was confident that I would still be warmed up to do all right for that weekend. Well other than my muscles hurting, I was doing just fine. I was going down the mountain with ease.

Until that late afternoon. What used to be wonderful powder was now becoming slippery ice and as I was going down one run I was surprised by one icy patch. What ensued was a comical roll down the hill that involved losing my glasses, goggles, hat, and one ski. When I was younger this type of wipeout would involve a sad rendition of a spoiled little brat with tears. This time, I looked with blurred eyes up the mountain and attempted to climb that mountain until I had all my possessions in hand. Even as I continued to slide down the hill, I would just get back up and climb again.

As I was attempting this foolhardy mission, I just kept thinking how this could be a metaphor for life. So you failed. Just get back up. So you wiped out on a random patch of "ice" and rolled down the hill. You can still get back up and collect yourself. You may be a little sore, but you are still alive.

In Life, I have always been afraid of failing in my decisions. But I have slowly been accepting that it's ok to fail. As in skiing, I can get back up and move on. It's a great feeling knowing that failing is not always a bad thing.

On that note, I should accept that in my cooking as well. I have been failing in my cooking times so that the food I have been cooking is undercooked. I have been reacting how I used to (blaming other things, factors, etc). But I need to realize 1.) thicker slabs of meat will need more time and 2.) it's ok to fail in cooking. Just make note of it and move on. At least this time it's not the flavor but cooking time.

So, just like with skiing, I just need to get the back up and regain composure. It's ok to fall down.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

This Year

2010-12-31T09:31:00.001-08:00

With everything that has happened this past year, I decided I was going to make a list of things for 2011.

1. These adjectives will not be allowed towards me: stupid, lazy, selfish, fat, ugly

2. Nor will the phrase that states I need to think will be permitted to be uttered in my presence without my being able to then defend myself with either sharp words or a huge "I Quit" sign.

3. Also, I will not let people tell me how I think, feel, or should do. I am not a doll. I actually have a brain that knows what to do. I have let people make my own decisions or tell me who I am and that's not right. I can make my own decisions now.

4. I will continue to work on the friendships that matter and let the ones that are toxic to fall away. I have done enough work on them.

5. I will continue to work on my self esteem and body image. I am beautiful, and I don't need to worry about my weight. I would rather be healthy than skinny.

6. No more colds for 2011!

7. Save more, spend less.

8. Have fun! Get schoolwork done in the process.

9. Read more. My poor books have not been loved this year. :(

10. Do more stuff by myself: going to movies, etc. Be ok to spend more me time in public.

I don't think these are resolutions...just guidelines. :) Let's see how it goes!

The Follow Up

2010-12-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Now that everything has calmed down, I should really explain my last post. Also to give an actual update in my life in general! I know I have not been the biggest poster lately.

Okay, what did you quit?

I quit my job. The one that I have had for 2.5 years that has drained, chewed, annihilated my soul to the point where it is hurting my body. After getting a bad cold three months in a row, going to the doctor (that cost me $132) because of inflammation in my chest wall, and having tiny nervous breakdowns in the bathroom (I tried meditating...it didn't work) I finally decided I could not wait until I graduated to quit. After bugging my poor friend until she finally said, "Just shut up and quit already!", I decided that it was finally time.

Now, the thought process on this was a quick and successive one. First, I was going to leave once I got a new job. Then, when things started to get worse, I decided I was going to quit after the holidays no ifs ands or buts. Lastly, when my boss decided to tell me that I needed to think before I prepared my documents (she's done this before), I decided to quit that day. I had to calm down before I could do it (I didn't want staplers flying in the direction of my boss...that would have been messy), but I did it. I was still shaky while doing it, and I think I will always be shaky when thinking that I am going to leave the one place I have known for two and a half years. I know, it sounds ridiculous because it still seems so short. But this was the longest I had been in a job. I think the reason why I stayed so long was because of the fact that I didn't want to be seen as one that always was unhappy. I wanted to prove paper-wise that I was a good worker that stays and does the job right. But the situation could not warrant me the ability to stay much longer. When I went to the doctor she kept saying that all of this is caused by stress.

Now, Kaiser loves to emphasize certain things: obesity, stress, eat right, etc. So when the doctor kept saying it was stress I rolled my eyes silently and went on my merry way. But looking back, it really is stress. Now, I haven't been sick for two and a half years. I think what helped was that I used to sit in an area filled with happier people. Before we moved, I used to sit with people that 1. liked me and 2. would talk to me about things other than work. As we worked we would talk about life, opinions, what's going on. We would share pictures, life stories, etc. We would complain a little: about clients, some of what my boss would do, and stuff that we had to do. But then we would get back to happier things because it was easier to let the crappy stuff roll away for happier things.

But when we moved three months ago, I was forced to sit in a cubicle with a new coworker of mine that 1. did not like me and made sure I knew it and 2. was never happy. Everything was a horrible thing. My boss was terrible. Why did she do this? Why did I do this? Everything was doom and gloom. And don't get me started on the talking/swearing to herself bit. Basically I worked with a pissy parrot that either threw its feces at you or smiled as it did it. I started really dreading coming into work because I would be greated by a grunt and a growl every morning. If I was lucky. The people that I used to work with? Divided by a huge brown wall. I think we all get the picture.

So, it was time. It was either really complain to my boss (who was starting to get into her really foul mood that wouldn't involve good communication) and see if I could try to be moved, or quit. Since I am going to graduate soon and should be getting more library experience, I decided to quit.

The Future!

I wasn't taking too much of a risk. I also am doing a part time temporary job at my old internship at San Mateo County Library, so I would still have that income while I looked for a job. And I was able to find another job really quickly as well. In January I will be starting a part time job as a Center Instructor through Sylvan Learning Center. It is also temporary (lasting until March or May), but this will help pad my resume with more teaching/tutoring skills which is what I need.

You see, I finally decided that I would love to be a Reference and Instruction Librarian at an academic library either at a university/college or community college. I prefer community college though because it is smaller, better pay, and probably has more of the demographics that I would like to work with. I am learning that I love literacy. I love teaching it. I love talking about it. When I had interviewed for my internship I was just BS'ing my way through it. I was more interested in getting any sort of internship, really. And when I got it I kept thinking, "Should I really take this? It is all way in East Palo Alto ("EPA") and I'm not that interested in literacy..." But I took it because something told me that it would lead somewhere. Also, I was interested in teaching. To be honest, I have always been interested in teaching. I have been told though that I don't have the patience. And maybe sometimes I can be a little cross when people don't get what I am teaching. So with this knowledge I was never sure that I could be a teacher. When I got the internship what got me to say yes was the fact that I wanted to see if I would like it or if I could do it. Now I know I do like it and I can do it. And it is not just me that believes it, my peers believe it too. My supervisors and coworkers have all come up to me saying that I do an amazing job. And it must have been true because here I am again helping out while my supervisor is on maternity leave.

So, that's why I took a temporary job rather than wait out for a permanent one. I need more experience, and if I can get it in a job that will carry me through a few months than shoot why not? Better than being in a permanent job like my last one where all I can think of is, "How is this going to help me in the end?" In the end, I am jumping for the right reasons. I feel like for awhile I was jumping or staying for all the wrong reasons. Now it is all for the right reasons and I am immensely happy.

Okay, I'm bored now. What else are you doing?
Nothing, really. My personal life has become my job. School is finished with passing grades (A and A-...yippee!), and my dating life is very stagnant. I am too busy! You try dating with two jobs and school! If you can pull it off while being able to sleep, let me know! That's the one thing that I miss immensely: sleeping. Okay, I know that I don't have kids and that imagine it being 10 times harder, but this has been the busiest I have ever been. If I do have kids, I will probably change my mind. But for now, I am tired and would like to hide in a hole. I have been running around it seems for a long while now, especially in December. Now, I have had some fun in there too so I have sacrificed my sleep for fun. But that's why I think a cave would be great. I love my friends and I am so happy that through all this I have them to lean on and help me look at better things in life. But I think I need some time for myself that involves a lot of knitting, movies, and things that are called pajamas. And maybe some Amie love time because I know he has not been happy with me about leaving him alone all this month. I try to spend time with him, but not enough to satisfy his needy ego.

The Year in Review
Good things, bad things, I jumped out of a plane without dying and crapping my pants, still working on future, finally ending it with such a huge jump I think I will crap my pants but probably just hyperventilate and know it is a good thing. And, it seems, beginning and ending it with Disneyland.

The End. :-D

2010-12-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

Iquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquit...

I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...I'm done. So long. See ya. I'm finished being called stupid, whydon'tithinkyousillylittlegirl.

Done. I quit. I would rather be happy and flat broke than this nonsense.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. Don't think I will stay awhile. I may be nice to you, but don't think I will put up with your shit. Nope. No more. My poor tongue has been bitten so many times it needs a band-aid and stitches.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. F you.

*done ranting*

THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WON!!!

2010-11-01T21:01:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia, the San Francisco Giants have not won the World Series since 1954 when they were the New York Giants.

That has all changed, baby!!!! They won against the Texas Rangers to finally win! They almost made it in 2002, but I believe egos got the best of them. This team of misfits and freaks finally proved to people that this game is not all about who gets the most home runs or who does the best in everything. It is about hard work and dedication. Also, it is the team that wins; it is not the individual. Every single team member won that game today, my friends.

Now, people will think that I am a local who is just crowing because her local team won. People who know me though know that I am not that at all. I started watching when they entered into the World Series in 2002. I was sad that they lost, but was determined that they would next year. Every season I kept watching and kept getting disappointed. But I still was a fan. I fought for them. I went to games and rallied for them. One of my best friends (an Oakland A's fan) and I would get into fun fights over who is best. I have two jerseys and a sweater pronouncing my love for the Giants.

So, there. I have deserved this honor to FINALLY see them win (although, technically I didn't get to see them...I was stuck at my computer doing school...baaaaahhhh. But I say the best part!). So...booyah, bitches. Booyah!

And, to end this marvelous post:

"Eat Pray Love"

2010-09-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

When I first read "Eat Pray Love", it was during a time in my life when things just didn't make sense for me. I had been struggling for three years to get my footing after college, and I was realizing that what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted. I had thought I was taking a chance, but actually I was going down the road that others had wanted for me. So when I read this book, it opened up my eyes to ideas and thoughts that I never thought I could have before. I took out of it the idea of risking everything to find wholeness. After I read that book, I was inspired to find myself as well through risking everything and doing my own path. I quit the job that I absolutely hated. I applied for the Library and Information Science graduate course. I risked everything in order to find my true self.

Well, the movie just came out. I wasn't as excited to see the movie because I don't trust Hollywood when it comes to book adaptations. I was willing to give the movie a try. Not many people wanted to see it with me, so on Sunday I went to my local theater and had a "me" date.

I didn't realize how moved I could be by that movie. It struck a chord that I didn't realize was inside of me. It also brought a lot of emotions up to the surface that I had been trying to keep deep inside me. So I have decided to read it again. But I am reading it in a whole different angle. It is helping with my heartbreak. Helping me open my eyes about my latest relationship and just really helping me bring closure to it all. But I wasn't ready to have this flood of emotion come over me just yet. A lot of anger and bitterness that I had been trying to keep at bay. I am trying not to dwell on it and let it pass, but it has been hard this week. But I am moving forward, letting the emotions ride and then hopefully fall away.

I am also trying to face it with a healthy attitude instead of how I was before. I was realizing that I was trying to not deal with it all with wine, so I am trying not to drink as much wine as I was before. I don't believe I am an alcoholics (they go to meetings), but I do believe I was dealing with everything with an unhealthy attitude. I think the movie and the book is helping me finally come to terms with everything I was trying to hide and bury inside of me.

It is still going to be a rough battle. Although it is helpful to read the book again and find inspiration again, I am still working it all out. But I am confident now that everything will be all right.

Yes, that's right. Everything will be all right.

Anger

2010-09-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have always had anger problems. I have never understood where it all came from, but it does tend to bubble up and make me feel like a bad person. Agression. Anger. Negative feelings. It comes up and burns the skin, eyes, veins. Thankfully, I have been able to theraupize it to submission.

But sometimes it starts to ooze out of me. And all I want to do is let it all out instead of controlling it with rational/adult thoughts. I want to let it reign over my brain. Become one with my body. Just let it scream and cry into the universe.

I have been having vivid dreams that unfortunately I can't remember the details when I wake up. It hits to the core. It gives me a sucker punch to my gut. It has been bringing up emotions that I have been trying to keep at bay. These emotions that I have been trying to hide because I am a grown up and things happen and I can't change them.

But I want to relish in these emotions today. I want to roll in the stinky bosom of it and languish in its dirty, dirty embraces. I want to stink in its apparent angry stink.

Fuck you, I want to say. Fuck you and your annoyances. Fuck you and your crap. Fuck you and your lies. Fuck you and your charms. Just, fuck you.

I think I liked it better when these emotions were hidden behind the mask of wine and adulthood. I think I will try to go back to that.

And the Madness Begins...

2010-08-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

School started yesterday. I had a mini breakdown because of the following story:

A week before school started, I was looking at my syllabi. I found out that my third class was basically a class for those who have no lives. The syllabus even said that many students had found that if they are taking more than one to two classes, had a job, etc. that there was no chance of getting A. Good luck trying for a B. So, knowing my limits, I decided I was going to drop the class and get another class. I picked a class that seemed open, the professor was willing to let me in, and seemed interesting (it was teaching methods, what could go wrong!). I was not allowed to do any registration activity until the first day of school though. Of course, knowing my luck, I have to work on my first day of school. But I made sure before work that I did the adding and the dropping and making sure I got everything set. And I thought everything was golden.

Til I got home. That's when I was going through the course information and documents. I found that the professor does not think linearly. The course was not what I thought it was (non-K through 12 focus was what I wanted. I got K-12 focus), and everything was being done through multiple links and websites. Not conducive for a linear learner. I started hyperventilating. Crying ensued. How could I have done this?????

And then I realized: I have been killing myself with three classes for two semesters, and did not have a break for summer...why should I kill myself now? I will try to find a third class but if not this means destiny is telling me to take an f'ing break. So...I dropped the class. I don't know how Financial Aid is going to handle this, but we will see when it comes to it. I have never understood the idea of how FA worked in the Library program. The administration recommends one to two classes. According to the FA rules, it seems you have to take three to qualify. We will see...

What does this mean in regards to graduation timeline? Nothing. I have to do an extra semester in Summer. Might as well take a second class.

Apparently my mother, through all of this, thinks I am lazy and pretending to be retired. *sigh* I have given up trying to get my mom to understand it all, but she doesn't and I give up. This is MY life, not her's. If she wants to kill herself before 65 she can go ahead. I am going to try to at least last past that without diabetes, arthritis, frozen shoulder, sleep apnea, obesity,...should I go on?

Anyway, here we go!

Hair Drama! And other things a'changing...

2010-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

After a break-up, what does a woman do? She cuts her hair. Because tattoos are extremely permanent and piercings are something you can get only when you are much younger and experimenting. And so that is what I did.
Unfortunately, what I wanted did not turn out to be what I got. What I wanted was this:

What I got was this:

Thankfully I have great friends with good connections. Once I sent the picture to them they immediately said, "Anthony's Beauty Salon in Oakland! Request for Richard!" Let me say that I am very glad I took their advice. Beause, after much talking through and examining what in heaven's name my mom's beautician did to me, I got this:

Me likey! And, yes, I have to do more styling than I am used to but I feel more confident in this hairstyle. And the comments are flowing in. It is definitely shorter than what I wanted, but everyone tells me that it actually thins out my face rather than plumps it up. But my family has a portrait of all of us in our family room that says at a certain weight and style it does not thin out my fac.

So that leads me to my next change. I was getting fed up at how I was eating. I will not give up the hamburgers, but I will try to eat less of them. And carne asada burritos will definitely have to be put on the side burner (although today I am getting one as a last hurrah to East Palo Alto and my internship). More greens. More fruits. Less grease. Less sugar. Less food in general. I was starting to overeat, and that is something that I want to put a stop to since I now have a shorter haircut that can't hide the extra poundage. What's interesting is that you would think as someone who is sad over something would eat more. I am finding that when I am really sad I don't want to eat. Drinking on the other hand...but I am controlling that too, don't worry my friends. It's when I am stressed or extremely happy that I want to overeat. Stress, common. But happiness? Never thought that could happen. I am not going back to Weight Watchers (can't afford it), but I am going to start monitoring what I am eating. Maybe start doing a food diary again to see what I am putting in my mouth and make myself accountable. As I told someone at work, I am not going to get fat over this break-up. So there!

I was told by a friend that I am in revenge mode. I don't think that's the case. I think it is a case of trying to move on and get the stuff that wasn't working out of my life. Hence why I went through my closet last night and got rid of a lot of my clothes. And that is a feat because I used to have clothes from when I was in high school. Yes, I am a hoarder. Blame the mother who likes to throw away perfectly good sandals when you're not looking *end rant*. There was one sweater that I wanted to give another chance. But, no, I carelessly put it in the bag to be sent to charity. It felt freeing to get rid of all this stuff that has been in my closet for ages. These clothes even traveled with me to Sonoma county and back, but were never worn. It was like getting rid of emotional baggage that is actually physically in front of you. It was freeing.

Of course, I plan to fill it up again. I need sweaters for the winter, don't I?

I feel these changes are going to be good in the long run. I don't know why, but I just do. I needed this change. I am not sure whether it was because of the break up or it was because it was just time. Sometimes I wonder if the Universe has these events happen to kick start you into what you are destined to do. The Universe is telling you, "Think, dammit, think!" and pushes you towards these events. There is always free will, but there is also that hidden hand that somehow always comes into my life and says, "No, I know you want this but..." Because, honestly, I can't imagine shit just happening. It happens for a reason, and the reasoning is just not apparent when you are in the midst of it blowing up and stinking in your face. So, we will see where these things lead me. I am letting everything just settle down and seeing where it takes me.

While I do that, I enjoy me my wine. Don't judge. You know you would do it too.

A Rant

2010-08-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

This post was going to be about how I feel all right and the adventure of cutting my hair. But I just had dinner with a mutual friend of the ex and right now I am still fuming.

What is wrong about wanting marriage? About wanting commitment? Why is it considered crazy to wonder if you should devote time to the relationship about three months? After seven months? Why is wrong for me to want that in life? Why am I considered crazy for wanting that?

What happened to wanting that type of lifestyle? There is being open minded and wanting different things in life and looking outside the box for living a life with someone. But when did it become the norm to shun those who wanted marriage and commitment? When did it become a crazy notion to want marriage and commitment?

Maybe I am generalizing, but it is frustrating to find that it seems there are no lesbians or queer women out there that want commitment. The ones who do are already taken!

I think I need to widen my queer circle. Find more lesbians or queer women that think like me. Because this is ridiculous...I am tired of people telling me that I am crazy when I know I am not!

Or maybe I am...but for other reasons! :-D

Life goes on

2010-08-03T19:51:00.000-07:00

Got past the sad, anger, and drunk phase. Now am compiling a new list. This time not vague! Am realizing I am too compromising. Need to be firm in what I want. Am working on it.

But this for a future not too soon. Need to grieve some more. Need to give some time for me.

Also, I really don't want to go back out there yet. Would really like it if I could do dating like how fast food is: you can get it in your car quick and fast. But, then again, there is the regret after...but, eh. Too lazy.

Am sad...but am okay with it all. Just miss the friendship. Got used to it all. Sad that it won't be like how it used to be. Maybe it will be many years from now. But...we will see.

Oh well

2010-07-29T01:14:00.000-07:00

Everything must come to end. Too bad it hurts and makes you an insomniac. Life goes on, I guess.

The Burn

2010-07-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am starting to feel the burn. The wanting to just sit in front of the TV and do nothing at all. Maybe knitting. Maybe reading. But, really, to do absolutely nothing at all.

I was afraid that would happen when this last semester would end and I would have that brief moment of relaxation. So, I avoided it. Tried to make sure that I was busy with my internship and life.

But then July 4th weekend happened. And it began. The feeling of...nothing. The feeling of relaxation. It felt good. It felt great.

But now I just don't want to do anything. I did do the necessary chores this last weekend. And now it has left my body in tatters. Now, with the attitude of not wanting to do anything, it is hard to feel like enthusiasm about anything (internship or otherwise).

And so the burn has become. And am attempting to fight it back. Hopefully a good night's sleep will cool the burn.

Look, a real post!

2010-06-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

Yes, I finally updating this blog with more than just one weird paragraph that is either angsty or incoherent! :)

School
Spring semester ended with much enjoyment. I got a 3.9 (those darn A-). I am just happy that I passed. I was starting to go crazy with the mad studying, working, and trying to be a good girlfriend.

I am not fully out of school now. I am interning at the San Mateo County Library. I am specifically working in their Literacy department. I am tutoring ESL students, specifically adults, and reading to children. I am also working on getting some workshops dealing with information literacy (something I have started gaining interest in during the spring semester). So far it has been great. I love my two learners, and one of them made it to his goal! He says it is because of me, but I know it took a lot of work to get there.

Life
Life is good! Nothing much to say. The girlfriend and I are doing well. Some bumps, but we are working on it. I am very happy with where my life is going. I am getting more and more excited about when I am finished with grad school and going forward in my career. I am also looking forward to being able to get my feet fully on the ground and be able to move out of my parent's house. Although I am very grateful that they let me stay with them, I would like to start having my own household. I feel that it is definitely time. Soon. Soon.

Books
Now that I am not doing any homework or studying, I am reading a lot of books. I finished three amazing books: "Water for Elephants" "The Night Watch", and "Bonk". Now I am going into my literature with D.H. Lawrence. I find it funny that I go from a book that delves into the study of sex (very blunt and with lots of technical terms) and then I go into a novel that insinuates all things sexual with metaphors. It's fun! It's like, "Guess where the sexual innuendos are!" I love it. It makes me want to write again...

All right...on to my next adventure!

2010-06-01T23:41:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of being pushed away. Pushed away from friends. From everyone. Why has it become so hard to find any relationship (friendship or otherwise) that just stays? It doesn't involve people lying or not bothering to reply. Why is it so hard to find someone that will always be there, no matter what?

Yes, I have issues. I know. But I am tired of always finding myself the pushed end of things. Always that distance. I hate it. O always have. It seems that I haven't gotten used to the seasonal thing. It's either I am in or insufferable.

It is true. No matter how many people you fill your life with, you can still be lonely as fuck. Especially if they all have decided to never reply back.

It's sad to look back at everyone you call a friend (even with all the great things happening in your life) and find only a very small group of people that would truly help you in a crisis. I had thought that part of my life is over, but apparently it still continues. Ah well. Life goes on, I guess.

I am just tired, that's all.

Yes, I jumped out of a plane and survived.

2010-05-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

2010-04-21T18:28:00.001-07:00

I am alive. Does that count?

School is coming to a close...allllmmmoooooosssttt done. And I want to really yell at one professor that hasn't even caught up with her own work...why does she think it smart that she should add more to OUR plate? Gargh. But anyway...am attempting to finish everything up.

I am going into hiding til I am done!

WTH

2010-03-31T19:58:00.000-07:00

So today was not the best day. And since no one at work knows about this blog (and I made sure Facebook will not automatically update it to my wall), I can freely rant and rave.

See that picture? Yeah. That's how my boss treats me. It is either sugary requests like "Could you please take time out of your busy schedule to to help me with [fill in whatever ridiculous thing she wants me to do to sacrifice my graduate school time]" or the above example. I am sorry. You want me to help you out or you want me to leave? Because this picture suggests you want the ONLY WORKER THAT CAN DO THE JOB RIGHT to leave. Without me, you would be fucking up left and right. I am the ONLY WORKER that doesn't leave in the middle of the day for lunch. I am the ONLY WORKER that is willing to go all the way to help your law firm. But apparently I don't think. I am too stupid for you. Forget the fact that I catch almost all of your workers' (AND YOUR'S) errors. Oh, forget that. I just don't think. You and others, they were being human. I? I wasn't thinking.

What the picture doesn't show is the fact that I prepared the whole entire document from scratch. I was told to prep that document based on a case that we used to have (which, by the way, I remembered...because I am the only one that has a good memory). I converted it to the case that we were handling now, using the numbers and the correct information that I had. But when you have been doing paperwork all day (I was given this at 2:30 p.m.) and haven't eaten much...you miss things. You know, I am human. I make mistakes. So, I missed a little bit about the breakdown of payments. That's why people review the paperwork: to make sure there are no mistakes. It does not warrant you to write that. It wasn't that you had to cross out the whole entire document and wanted me do it all over again. You crossed out two lines that I missed. Because, heaven forbid, I forget sections! I am not thinking! DEAR GOD, CALL THE COPS JENNIFER ISN'T THINKING BECAUSE SHE MISSED TWO LINES ON A 20 LINE PLEADING PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that wasn't the half of it. That was what broke the camel's back. Earlier that day, I was minding my own business. I was working, like most people do when they are at work. The thing is that the front area gets along with each other. While we work on dreary legal work, we do talk. Anyway, I was silently working on my motions when my coworker Renee asked me a question. I answered, but I kept going with my work. And then my other coworker Jasmin asked me a question, and I was trying to answer her question when Mary came up to me (not to the group but to ME) and said "You need to quiet down."

Okay...seriously? I was asked a question. I answered. That's what normal human beings do. Unlike my counterpart, I don't ignore people. I acknowledge that they asked a question and I answer. That is why people like me there: I am nice and I actually talk. And I was not loud at all. I was not screaming. I was softly (and that's a miracle) singing a song when she yelled at me. What also annoys me is that it wasn't directed to the group, "Hey, I am working on something could you guys be a little quieter?" it was "You need to be more quiet." Ummmmmmm...not the ONLY ONE HERE...why are you singling me out?

I am not sure what is going on. I have a feeling that this is punishment for my standing up to her. I also asked for more time off at work. Instead of a full Friday, I am only coming in half days in the afternoon. This is all for my school. This is not to go goof off or lie around in laziness. I need it for school. Because, in the end, school is more important than this job. School = Career = NO LAW. School also = NO LAWYERS. I was getting overwhelmed in school, so I stood up and said, "Enough." And I don't think she likes it. Heaven forbid that I don't do more for this bloody job.

It just doesn't make sense. She praises and rewards laziness (i.e. my coworkers), but she punishes those that are doing the work. I work hard (maybe too hard in my opinion) to help her out with the work. Every day, I strive to get that inbox manageable for the next person. And every workday I come in and find nothing done. Stories of how the other Jennifer had left right after Mary left. Talk about how things were returned or not done because...mysteries abound. Today was no different. I come in and there is a note from Mary that says the other Jennifer left a message with one of the courts and didn't leave any information about the case. So who knows what she is talking about. Also, a stipulation filed wasn't filed correctly because she didn't file an order with the stipulation. How long have you worked here? Haven't you figured it out that when you file a stipulation YOU FILE AN ORDER?????? The only reason why we won't file an order is if the case is a Chapter 11, but this obviously was NOT a Chapter 11. (Of course, you guys wouldn't know that...but it was obvious). But, of course, because I am the observant one and brings it to her attention I am the one that gets the brunt of it all. Although I wasn't the one that filed the paperwork, I get the brunt of it. I am the one that doesn't think. So maybe I won't bring things to her attention in the future. Obviously it only brings the pain to me, not to the person responsible for the nonsense.

It is obvious that I am not dumb. I do think. I think everyday at work. I know more about my job than the person that is supposed to be my supervisor who reviews our paperwork. I know and think more than my counterpart. But, to her? I don't think. I am dumb.

What doesn't help is that I have no advocates at work. Not true advocates. Jasmin, no matter how much we get along, will always fight for her niece. The people that do like me have no say when it comes to my boss. I mean, shoot, I think Jasmin is gunning for me too. Friday is Good Friday and the other law firms are leaving an hour and a half early. Jasmin told me that since I come in the afternoon that because everyone is leaving early might as well not come in. I asked her if Mary thought that was okay. She said yes. She also said that Mary was leaving that Thursday afternoon, and that it is usually quiet on Friday so might as well. She said it was a waste of three hours. Luckily, I said something about not coming in on Friday in front of Mary and she said, "No, I need you to come in on Friday". I made sure she knew that I had no idea, that I asked Jasmin if it was okay with her...but I don't know. Again, although I was innocent in all these matters, I am dealt with the brunt of her wrath. I am the bad person that doesn't want to work. When I am more than willing to come in if she needs me on Friday afternoon. That is my normally scheduled hours. I was just told not to come in by Jasmin, and she confirmed that Mary was okay with it. But whatever.

I have been trying so hard to bite my tongue about all this. I would like to say so many things to her, but I know that I can't if I want to keep my job. Shoot, I wish I could leave this job and find a better one...but life does not present itself with another option. I have to bite my tongue another year and a half before I can finally find another job that involves library services. Until then, I can only shake this all off (by ranting it all out and listening to angry music) and just move on to the next day. I just hope that on Friday I don't have to see her. Because I don't think one day will get over this rudeness. I think a whole entire weekend will have to pass before I can calm down. Because, I'm sorry, but you don't question my intelligence. You don't. You can make fun of my exterior, you can pick on my silliness, you can even pick on my math skills. But if you question my intelligence in total? Be prepared to get a verbal kick in the ass. Because I have had to work hard to prove my intelligence. I may be lazy, but I am not dumb. I do think. I think every day, every minute, every second. I think of how libraries can evolve into amazing systems of information and knowledge. I think of how our world could be incredibly better if we enacted certain political theories. I think of so many things.

Don't try to tell me that I don't think. Or I will show you many examples of when you DON'T think.

Stand Your Ground, Woman!

2010-03-20T21:04:00.000-07:00

When I started my second semester of school, I had told my boss that I won't be able to come in on my days off. I knew this semester was going to be more difficult because I am taking higher numbered courses which equals a more difficult course load. And she seemed fine with it. She understood.

But I think that was her just dismissing it to me being silly.

When my supervisor took the day off for her birthday, she didn't bother. She knew I would say no. But last week, she asked me to come in a half day for the other Jennifer because she had to do school. I thought because it was a half day I could do it. But I couldn't. I was not only getting over a cold, I didn't realize that I had two major assignments due that week. So I was going to work and doing school work all that week. I finally got so exhausted that I said "That's it!" and called in sick on Friday.

That Friday was the best day ever too. I got homework done. I got other chores done. I was able to organize my LIFE. And that's when I realized that I was falling into the same pattern. I mean, the people and the situations were different, but I was again not living my life to the fullest. I was letting work stress me out because I was letting it rule my life. And that was the whole entire reason why I quit my last job: so I can live my life to the fullest and not let a job rule my life. When I was not in school, I was able to do that with my job. I went in and then I left. If I had to work extra hours, that was fine because I didn't have to juggle.

But now that I started school, I need those days off because I schedule my school around work. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't I schedule work around school? School is not my whole entire life, but it is a means to a better job and a better career. In my head, school is more important than this job. So why am I back-bending for this job to appease them? Why am I sacrificing my school time when they can not time manage well?

So, after doing the numbers and figuring things out, I figured out today that I can survive with only working two days instead of three. As my lady said, might as well work less and finish school faster so I can get to my career faster. So I set it in my mind that I would talk to my boss about cutting my hours.

And then I look at my email and find an email from my boss asking me if I can come in on Tuesday. For Easter baskets. It's like because I said okay to a half day I would be fine with a whole day. Even though I was doing it as a favor to the other girl for her school (because maybe one day she will do ME a favor for my school). My school is just not important, apparently. Forget the fact that I was so exhausted that I had to call in sick on Friday. Nahhhh, she needs to come in to work so she can do god damn Easter baskets.

*calming down*

I stood my ground though. I said, "No, I won't be able to come in because I have to study." That's all I said. I was thinking of also saying, "By the way, I want less hours" but I was told that it may be better to tell her in person. Which I agree. But I am scared that I will forget or I will chicken out. But I have to do this. Because if I don't I will keep making the same mistakes over and over.

I don't like how I become when I am stressed or exhausted. I don't like how angry I get. I don't like it. I want to go through life happy and calm. But I can't do that if I am spending most of my time fighting with my boss to keep my days off. It feels like she thinks my school is not as good as the other girl's (even though she is just doing community college and is doing general ed). She is allowed her days off. Why can't I?

I am standing my ground. I am not going to let her boss (ha ha) me around. And if she decides that this isn't conducive to her law firm, then this is another reason for me to leave and me to finally suck it up and find a job closer to my career. But, we will see.

No more!

Birthday!

2010-03-09T14:42:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday. It was fantabulous! Had a lot of fun.

And I got me some yummy treats from my sweet. :)

Great way to celebrate my 26th birthday.

:-D

2010-03-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

I love coming home from a long day of cleaning, studying, and roller derbying (even watching is exhausting), and still smiling because I can still remember her lips on mine. And her words of saying, "You're the best girlfriend ever!" because I gave her a box of Girl Scout cookies (Samoas...her favorite).

Knitting to save the soul

2010-03-01T22:44:00.001-08:00

So today was a day of breakthroughs and putting fire under butt to go towards better.

But while I wait for the results, what will keep me sane?

Yarn!

Knitting!

Location : 3066 Todd Ct, Castro Valley, CA 94546,

Rumblings and Tumblings

2010-02-17T20:41:00.000-08:00

Some workdays I feel happy at the end of the day that I 1.) earned an honest buck, 2.) enjoyed 7.5 hours with amazing women and 3.) got to show off my mad legal skills.

Some workdays I find myself in a curled ball and a tight knot in my chest wanting to just get my library degree so I can finally get out of this legal hell hole. Or become a full time student who traffics body/cocaine/people to pay for the bills. Ah, but then that means I will go to jail. Prefer not to.

There are times when I find myself letting go of the worries/frets/concerns and just letting it float, float, float into the outer space. Finally relaxing and becoming one with the feeling of that intangible being called happiness.

Then I remember that it can be taken away just like that and I am afraid I become one, instead, with the worries/frets/concerns.

I build a wall around my heart because it has been torn a little. Broken in little bits, then put together by cheap-ass glue. Then broken again, again, again. With every promise comes the let down walls then the quick retrieval up because the promises became empty words. I am scared this will happen again.

So although I feel so safe. Secure. Happy with this moment and time and place. I can not break the wall. I can not let it fall again to then reconstruct it with each tear. Not until the promise becomes solid words. Solid phrases, sentences, paragraphs.

I'll just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

The Strength of Anger

2010-01-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling a lot of anger towards my job lately. Maybe because I realize I overstayed my welcome there. Well, more like I feel way too comfortable there. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I find another one that is more suitable to where I am going. A year and a few months later I find myself ensconced in the infrastructure and no way out. Well, I always have a way out, but that would mean another financial dip. I can't do that again.

I got comfortable because I had to adopt this mentality of "I don't care". If I cared, I would be stressed, tired, and just not happy. I wanted to just be happy and worry about the ramifications of it all later. In my mind, I was going to school and this wasn't the time to be picky when it came to income acquirement. I had my school, that's all that mattered.

But lately, I have been wanting to have more fulfillment in my job. It doesn't help that I have been told that I need to start networking in the library world, and that many people have the upper hand when they work at a library already. Great. Thanks. I tried! But they hired other people that probably don't care about the library institution. I thought I could go back to volunteering at the Castro Valley Library, but I realize that that is going to be hard to fit in my schedule. I am starting to look at internships and opening my mind more about volunteering again. It would be nice though if Destiny/Higher Being could help me out a little bit and give a branch. But, I know in the end I have to at least put the effort out there.

But even with all this effort, I still feel so angry. I thought I was going to be done with the stupidity of law. I really thought I would have been out by now. Circumstances just developed otherwise, and I am trying to put on a happy face and realize that this may have to be my reality until I finish school.

It's just incredibly hard. Especially when lately I either am told that I am not doing my job right (even though, I am the one who is doing it right and my work-sharing partner is the idiot) or I am doing my job and my supervisors. I also feel like I am being punished for putting my foot down and saying that I will not come in on my days off unless it is at least a Thursday. This is my second semester of my first year, and I have a feeling that it is going to be difficult. I am looking at all my syllubi and I know that I will need a lot more time put aside for school. And, I hate to admit it, dating does take up some of my time as well as being able to spend time with my friends. And, in the end, my job is not a priority. I hate to say it, but it isn't. It's not my life. In the end, it is probably at the bottom of my list. I am always willing to help, but not at the expense of my school, family, friends, and etc. It's a thing that gives me the money so I can pay for my stuff. So, I put my foot down this time and said, "I can not come in on Tuesdays. I can try to do Thursdays, but not on Tuesdays." I made it an absolute. It seemed like my boss was okay with that, but now I can see she is punishing me. All of today I was running around with what I term as "busy" work. The things she pulled out of her butt on Saturday that she thought of randomly. Some of it are things that should be put in my inbox, but others are things that should have been put in my supervisor's box. I had to review my own motions because my supervisor was too "busy". Come on. And when I came to say goodbye, she looked at me and said, "So, is it okay?" (i.e. do you need to come in? Should I make you work???) and I said, "No, it's manageable. I was able to get everything done." And she looked shocked. Heaven forbid I actually do work!

But, the thing is the reason why we have been so "busy" is because my work sharing partner sits on her butt on her days in and texts non stop and then leaves early. So then that means she HAS to come in and basically do what she didn't get done yesterday. She is seen as the champion, and I the chump for saying I can not come in. But, again, I don't care. This is not my life. This is something that gives me income while I work on getting my career afloat.

I am just realizing that I am too comfortable and I should start feeling the fear. The fear of leaving and finally moving on to another part in my life. I know, that sounds stupid because I am almost done with school and I can move on officially.

But in these times where I am going to lose my healthcare and I need more experience in library and information science...maybe I need to be stupid just once.

Well, okay, maybe this isn't my first time being stupid. But we will see.

Let's See How Far We've Come

2009-12-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

The start of the holiday season has come and the knitting needles are a'flying and my bank account is exceptionally dry...but I always find myself more happy at this time than any other time. Although, looking back over this year, I realize how amazing this year was. There were, of course, ups and downs, but in the end this year was the start of the up.

School: Started my first year of Graduate School in Library Science. Realized my destiny in many shapes and form (heck, I got an A+ on my research paper...this HAS to be a sign...or maybe I worked really hard and deserved it). It took me three years to finally get myself back into school. It's amazing what trying NOT to put a square peg in a round hole feels like.

Love: Although I have been dating a lot of weirdos (with the exception of this newest lady I've been potentially seeing...yeah, I will tell you later...), it's better than how I was doing a year ago. I am putting myself out there, and I am not unhappy about it all. I finally got to kiss a girl, and I think I know exactly what I want in a future partner. So, although I am still single, I am more grounded in what I want.

General: I am just happier with my life than last year. It is easier to just let go of all the things that bother me, and just live life. I am still working on in, but yeah...it's nice.

I am really curious to see how things will be next year. There are some unfinished business that will possibly move to next year (like school and what not), and it will be exciting to see how it will finish.

Yes, I know, new girl. Only been on two dates. Going on a third tomorrow (ice skating). She is nice. Cute. And seems normal. No baggage. No apparent ticks. Isn't clingy. Likes to eat, talk, and be adventurous. Not forever, but I like spending time with her. So, I will spend time with her. Because it is soooooooo eeaasssssssyyyyyyyyy. When it is easy and there are no emotional or mental baggage, it's not hard to have a nice dating relationship. So, we will see.

While I am on break, I will sleep, read, knit, work, and just be mentally lazy. Yay!

And if I don't update this before, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

2009-11-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

This is a response from a long chain of conversations between Siren and me and I finally asked her how she would feel that after going through a break up the person kept saying how happy she was and finally saying what was needed to solve the problems in the relationship. I told her I felt used, like I was like her puzzle piece in her dreamland.

"I was angry too because I felt like u gave up on us so fast. I did have anger too. I didn't use u. I know I can't dwell on the hurt because that isn't gonna get me anywhere. I felt like u wanted me to be this perfect person...and I am not that. I felt like I wasn't accepted by u because u couldn't take me as I am. I felt like u wanted me different. I felt like I was being seen for what I'm not instead of what I am. I couldn't be with someone that doesn't like me for all of me. That's partly why it was no suprise because I could sense that. I definitely had my walls up and was guarding my heart towards the end...especially after sf. I wasn't as open as I was before. Sorry if it hurts u that I am taking this as a learning experience and as a experience for growth but I try my best to get to most out of each experience. I hope u grow and heal and all that. May you have a wonderful life and if u want to be friends with me again someday know that i am always here. God bless."

Yeah, you can go fuck yourself sideways.

I gave up too easily? I?

Evidence #1 that I didn't give up too easily: Even though you were ALL my dealbreakers, I went with you anyway. Probably stupid of me. But I wanted to be with you. Because you kept arguing with me, telling me that we could be really great. And although you were everything that were TOTAL dealbreakers, I went with it anyway. Because I really liked you and I thought maybe, just maybe, you would prove me wrong.

Evidence #2: I wanted to leave after our first date. The fact that at 28 you can't get yourself fucking home, and then when I treated you like MOST adults out there should be treated and you kept telling me I didn't care...I should have left you. I should have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work. I like you, but not enough for this." But, I didn't. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Evidence #3: I wanted to leave when you started telling me that you believed God hated you for being gay by making you sick. I don't date closet cases, nor do I date people that hate themselves. But I stayed with you anyway.

Evidence #4: The fact that you are not even WILLING to put yourself out there in the area that you want to succeed in...and you tell me you are working on it? I should have left. But what did I do? I stayed with you and said, "You would get there..."

Evidence #5: I should never have believed that YOUR ex was the crazy one when you started to exhibit signs of INSANITY.

Evidence #6: The fact that I stayed with you even though you kept putting words in my mouth...when you started doing that after SF...and I still stayed? Yeah...I gave up way too easily.

Evidence #7: Even when two weeks into it ALL OF MY FRIENDS wanted me to leave you...and I stayed? Wow, I just gave up too easily even though all of my SANE friends told me to leave.

I could go on. But I think everyone gets the point.

I will never date people like her. She will always think she is the victim. She will always think that I hurt her, when it actuality she just used me. She had no emotions. The fact that she kept putting up her guard, even though she said she was going all the way with me...and I put my heart out there. I let her hold it, mess with it, and then when I was more courageous to say, "This isn't working..." I'm the bad person? I am the one that gave up too easily when already, in a month, she was crying and conflicted and I was always trying to fight for her?

Yeah...no. Never again. I think I need to really not date anymore. Not give up, but I think I am not allowed to make my own dating choices. Someone else will have to. Because I attract the crazies. And the fact that I knew she was crazy and I went after her anyway? Yeah, stupid. I think I need to just...take a break. No more.

And, yes, I know that I was trying to get you to be perfect. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. Because I didn't like how I made you feel. I wanted you to be better than you could ever be. I wanted to save you. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. I was putting you in a box that you could NEVER fulfill. I wanted you to be successful in your life, but you didn't want it. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. So the fact that once I broke up with you, you started to REALIZE what was WRONG with you...that hurts. That is the reason why I was hurting more than I should have. Because you kept pushing it in my face: "Look, look, now that you broke up with me, I can be what you wanted me to be! Look! I am growing! Thanks for breaking up with me! I am growing, look at me! God is love! Of course God doesn't hate me!!!!!!!!" It was like she WANTED to hurt me. Because I decided to be the one that admitted the truth, she is going to be childish and hurt me by gloating that she is better without me?

Yeah, fuck you.

I am in the anger phase today...

It is Hard To Do

2009-11-21T02:44:00.000-08:00

So, I broke up with Siren tonight. Or, actually, this morning. We would have been dating for a month this Sunday, but I don't think it was truly destined to last that long.

She is too conflicted. I am not strong enough to be that type of girlfriend.

Also, she and I are at different stages in our lives. She is still coming out, getting comfortable with who she is. I already went through that, and have started living my life.

I just know that it was either break up or know that I will always be pushed aside. Always be told that, if she had the chance, she would rather be straight than be gay. That she would rather fit her church's idea of morality than be the person she really is. And the fact that if things got tough or she got scared she would always push me away...I don't think I could handle that. I knew that she pushed, but I didn't realize the extent that she would actually tell me that she would rather be straight to make it all easier. And that...hurts. I want a girlfriend that has accepted who she is, and wants to be with me without any shame.

I also know that I was trying to make her be the person I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be strong and just be the woman I know she could be. But she's not ready for that. And I can't force that on her. She needs to realize it for herself. Not through me.

So, although I kept saying I wasn't ready to leave...I think I will have to. It really hurts right now. I want to just say, "Fuck it...I want to be with her..." But, I don't think my heart can take another let down. And I think, for myself, I need to realize that maybe conflict isn't what I want in a relationship. There is passion that can lead to rapport and then there is constant drama and conflict that I don't need. I need to find that balance.

So...onward I go. I was so happy because this Christmas season I was going to do all these fun things with my girlfriend. But now I won't. But I would rather be alone and know what I want than be with someone that seems to be ashamed of who she is. And this will be good for her too. At least, in my opinion. She needs to figure things out for herself. Not through me.

I'm still sad. It still hurts. This still sucks. But it's what needs to be done. So, onward I go.

When Is It Okay to Fly Away?

2009-11-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

In the three weeks that I have been dating Siren, I have encountered happiness...and frustration. Already after three weeks and two dates we have issues. There is a lot of baggage that I am acquiring, and I have gone back and forth between wanting to take it on to just not wanting the frustration.

In the end, I just can't bring myself to say "No" yet. When we are not arguing or my trying to calm her down, we have so many happy moments. And there is attraction and passion. It seemed with most of my dating experiences there was so much infatuation but no action. No true passion in it. With Siren, we have that passion to argue. To discuss our fears and our issues. But usually this happens after three months. Not three weeks. I have always said that I am not ready to enter seriousness because she is not there for me. In order for me to talk a serious relationship (as in talking about marriage, kids, knowing that there is no one else), she has to be in a stable ground in her life. And she is not there. But no matter how many times we say, "We will see where this goes" or "I am enjoying the now", the future keeps coming up after us saying, "Tick tock...tick tock". And she gets hurt, and I get frustrated because she keeps putting actions and phrases in my mouth.

And this is when people have told me, "Just leave" or "Are you sure you want to go through all this effort for 'not forever'?" But, I just can't. Not because I don't want to be alone or I just want to have a girlfriend, but because I can't pull myself away from her. I am attracted to her, and I know that it will break both of our hearts in the end...but I can't seem to stop myself. I want this experience. I don't want to run away from something that could be...great and awful at the same time.

And I could be so wrong. Maybe she will get over her fears, issues, and unhappiness and become the woman she could be. And she and I could live happily ever after.

But I am not her knight in shining armor. In a way, I feel like she has an imagined person in her head of me. I am this cute, strong, powerful woman that can save her from her pain and sufferings. And when I show my true self, she gets hurt and doesn't like what she sees. I have never apologized for my bluntness. My reality checks, I like to call them. I say, "This is who I am. I will try to be less harsh, but know that I will always tell you the truth." I am trying to be less harsh with my reality checks. But sometimes I wonder if she is not truly trying to be less sensitive. And to see that maybe she needs to be courageous in everything.

And maybe she will see that. Maybe she will develop into this wonderful woman I know her to be.

Or maybe not. But I am not ready to fly away. I am not ready to say, "No". Not yet. Even though I know I may break her heart, and in the process break my own heart...I can't leave now. I just can't.

But, I still have a lot of thoughts in my head...

You Should Have Taken A Long Break...

2009-11-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

Saturday was the 2nd year anniversary of my friend's death.

The lyric from Brandi Carlile's song, "This Year" still rings true: "He said, I forgive you...I said, I hate you..."

I still get so angry at him. Although he and I weren't close, I still get so angry that he couldn't just see that other people loved him.

I guess it will take 10 years before this will not feel like a stabbing pain. That I won't blame myself. He said he was tired that night. He said he was okay, but just tired. I should have known that something was wrong. I should have known that he wasn't okay.

Again, I think it will take 10 years...

No, I Can't Fly Away

2009-10-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

it is so hard to describe how I feel.

Gracious eyes with courteous hands just make better bedfellows than passionate handstrokes.

you scare me. you make my stomach dance within its cage, making my heart envious of its flexibility.

Lips that tantilize just make me want to run. While hearth-ready words give me lead feet.

we won't last. I know it. but i can't fly away.

no. I just can't fly away from you.

Curves draw me away. Your straight lines keep me closer.

not ready to give you up for someone else. not ready to say its over after much contemplating.

Hands so smooth, but breath so intriguing.

not ready to say it's done yet.

Your words fill me with fear, even though you mean well.

not ready to say it's done yet. no. not even when we cry and scream

not ready to say it's done yet.

Guitar Girl Crushes

2009-10-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is why you should love Brandi Carlile:

And also this is why:

Hot. I have a new guitar lady crush. Other then Siren, of course. But she was AMAZING live. I suggest you see the video before listening to her music. She is great on the CDs, but she is sooooo good live. *sigh* And it was fun to see her at the Fillmore. I have never been there, but I have to say I enjoyed it. You get a whole apple, and if you get there early you can eat dinner upstairs in this hall above the stage. And then the decor is fabulous. Chandeliers, disco ball, and old architecture. It is definitely a city gem. But, yeah. I'm happy I got to go. :)

Death = Freedom

2009-10-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

I am going to finally be "un-vague" about my relationship category.

I have been adventuring into this rabbit hole of possible dating/relationship thing. To keep this story from being confusing, I will just state that I have a friend on Facebook that I met from college and lately we have been starting to feel more than friends over the past few weeks. We weren't close in college (she was dating a coworker of mine at the Women's Resource Center), and we weren't that close after college either (she lives in the North Bay and I moved back to the East Bay and got very area-orientated). But, we stayed in touch through Facebook. Well, we ran into each other at the Book Fair in September and from then on we started to talk more often. Badabing, feelings were developing on both sides. This week was when it came to a point where she admitted, I said, "Well, yeah, I knew that. I like you too." This also was the week where I had no time to really focus on it and think about it.

Once I finally got sleep and time to think, I started to get scared. This is really new for me. Not the liking someone, etc etc etc. It's actually going into a relationship and starting to work the kinks of what could happen. And I got scared. I have this issue of wanting perfection (I think I have OCD...but not the extreme kind). I want things to be just right, or I don't want to deal with it. This won't be the perfect situation for me. She lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, and I am scared that I won't be a good girlfriend because I am so busy with school and life. I want to make sure that I make room for her in my life and get used to not being single. That gets to another part of me: I hate change. I have been working to calm down and say, "Change is good" and accept it when it comes along. But I get the initial scare still. Another point is the fact that I do need some personal time to myself. I like spending time with people and would definitely like spending time with her, but I also want to make sure she understands that I need time to do school work and time to just...be me. Which she understands perfectly so far. What is also scaring me is that it is feeling so...natural. It was natural to slowly delve into this madness of her. I was trying to put the brakes on it, trying to make it progress slowly...but I couldn't. I fell into it and now I am really hooked on her. I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to date. I want to be in this connection with her. So I got scared because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She (I will call her Siren because...well, she is a music goddess with the guitar and is very much in the music field) and I have been talking about this, and working it out. But I still had this residual fear.

To preface the following paragraph, I need to explain my dream history. Ever since I had dated my first boyfriend, Jackass, I started having these wild dreams of people trying to kill me. Celebrities, random people, are chasing me trying to kill me. I mean, it could have started much earlier than that time but I do remember that it started happening in fifth grade (yeah...that's an even longer story and I already have a novel here). These dreams would be so elaborate too. These events would happen and then it would end with a random dream spirit/celebrity running after me trying to kill me. It's always either a knife or a gun. It is never in one place. Either in a house, fields, etc. There is no place that I haven't ran from someone trying to kill me.

Last night, I had a different dream. I was with my friend Dana that I hadn't seen in ages. We are having a Halloween party or some sort of thing (I know why I was dreaming because of the fact that I was talking about it earlier than night), and I was hanging out just having some weird argument (I tend to have these...I don't know why). And then all of a sudden I get scared. I am reliving a movie scene. I hear a gun shot, and I am hiding in the bathroom in my house. Even though the door is closed, there are gaps in the walls to show who is going up and down the stairs and in the hallway. It is dark, but gray because of the sunlight coming through the windows. Then I see through the crack an eye lined with black and a strange woman looking at me. She opens the door. She is tall, all in black, very blond, and her eyes are a beautiful blue. She is smoothed, white skin, chunky. She has her hands behind her back and she is talking to me. She is accusing me of doing something wrong. I try to explain to her that I didn't mean to say it like that. I was trying to say...and then she pulls from behind her back a weird version of a machine gun. She looks at it. She looks at me. She said, "That's why I have to do this." And she points the gun and I actually feel the bullets (without pain) enter in my body and it becomes black. And I wake up. It's morning time.

Usually I wake up from the running, trying to get away from the gun or knife, and I wake up freaking out and breathing hard. This time, I was slightly scared but more intrigued by the feeling of the bullet entering my body. I would think it would be painful (which it would have been), but at the same time I was calm. I was okay that I had died in my dream (although I kept thinking of the theory that if you die in your dream you should have died in real life). It just seems like this dream where I finally die means something in comparison to Siren. I am not sure how, but it may be that this relationship (or whatever it may be) will be something really good for me. Like the girl that was trying to kill me was all the things that was keeping me from being in a great relationship, and the person that really died wasn't me but my past.

I don't know. It's just a theory. But I am not as scared anymore. I feel good about this. I feel more comfortable thinking of Siren as...mine. I still have fears, but I am not freaking out. It will work. Or it will be an amazing adventure.

Do You Hum While You Pee?

2009-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

School
MIDDDDDTTTEEERRRRRRMMMMMMSSSSSSS. Well, with how my school is, it's more like I have papers starting to become due right now. I have a major paper that is due this Friday that I thought would be easy to start at the beginning of this week. HAH! It involved at least one more week than what I have. I was freaking out yesterday, thinking that I was going to fail library school. I've calmed down since. Knitting is the beautiful cure of that. But I also did a major, major work off today with research and doing the part that I can do while waiting for the other part (interviews with librarians). Hopefully I can pull this out of my ass...But other then that, I have now learned that you do not procrastinate. I have looked at my future assignments and deadlines and understand that all my assignments are due at the end of this month and early next month...and they are all pretty simple that doesn't require me begging librarians to be nice to be and talk to me.

Knitting
Speaking of knitting...I am alllmmmoooosssstttt finished with my tuscany shawl. Literally. I have put the pretty, soft, laceweight yarn away from my hands nearly six rows away to finish to write this. I know, dork. I am also half way through my second purply socks. The reason why I have picked up these projects that were sleeping? BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF KNITTING STRAIGHT KNITTING WITH GREY ALPACA YARN!!!!!!!!!!!! I was working on my Knit A Long with my friend for two months and found out she put it away for awhile to not lose her mind. While I was letting my mind rot with boredom. I do not blame her. I also hit a snag that I wasn't sure about. But, I emailed the designer and she told me that I can do whatever I want. But I don't have the heart to pick it up again. Not until I at least have some instant gratification with socks and shawls. Yippee! I should also start planning Christmas knitting...which involves only one person (you know who you are...) so not hard. Although, now I will have to start planning a little more because I have an idea that does not include the usual...hmmm...*devious mind working*

Dating

On Saturday, I was the prime stereotype of a single woman. I went on a horrible date, so I lied and said my friend had a marriage emergency. And then I ate my leftover food that I had to not eat because my date was done eating. Yes, classic. It wasn't horrible horrible, but it was enough to truly not know how to get out of her kissing me without saying, "I got to go!!!" So...yeah. She hummed while she peed (sp?). Come on! Yeah...yeah. I know. But, anyway, I did have a coffee date with someone this Wednesday but I canceled because of my major assignment (didn't know how long it would take for me to get this done). She seemed really nice, but I figure school is more important than dating. I'm also getting very...apathetic about dating. I just don't feel like dating anymore. It's not out of frustration, but just...not interested anymore. I guess because...well, I don't want to jinx it and I'm not sure about it until I let it marinate...but, yeah, I just don't feel like going on dates anymore and I don't feel like looking anymore. It feels like I've already found that person...but at the same time I am trying to be very, very, very cautious because this is very unheard-of ground. But it feels right at the same time.

I promise I won't be so vague later on about this. But for now, I need to be vague because I need to marinate on it without using words on online blog.

Miscellaneous

Am on new medication for some womanly stuff. Yeah. Anyone ever taken Levora-28? If so, have you found it be okay or horrible? Have you gotten mentally psycho because of it? Or it was just like Yasmin? I was taken off Yasmin because my body got used to the medication. So, she put me on these generics. I'm kind of weary because the last time I was put on something that wasn't from Bayer or a big known pharmaceutic company I became crazy and just got tired of my body with it. So...we'll see. I start them next week, so if in the following weeks and you see me and I am going NUTS or suddenly crying in the middle of something...you may want to suggest me talking to my doctor again.

I finished reading The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. This is the novel that made the Ayatollah put a hit on his head. I was really curious to see why this novel enraged a whole religious branch and a huge head of Iran. After reading it, I see why. One comment I have is the fact that of all things, at least he could have written it much better. The plot itself and the idea of it is good. But the technical part of the novel was annoying. He didn't like periods half the time. He felt that it would be more artistic to just go off on random tangents. It was annoying. But the idea and the plot was interesting. I am stilling thinking of the concepts that he is arguing or bringing up in concepts of Religion and how religious texts can get perverted.

I am now reading The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson. It was very hard to put the book down to start studying, so I am staying away from it until I am finished with this paper and other projects that need some finessing. It deals with these two historic men and the The World's Fair. One is the architect that is behind the building of the Fair and the other is the serial murderer that created a huge plot of female killings at the Fair. I'm already fifty pages in and I am hooked! Must. Stay. Away.

That's about it. I'll get back to my shawl and my podcast. I have started listening to this knitting podcast called limenviolet (meant to look like that) and am obsessed. I was listening to this one podcast from a company called Knitpicks. It was done by the company's head, Kelly Petkin. She was okay for awhile, but after a hundred episodes she continued to say the SAME EXACT THING. I got bored. And when I hated her interviews. There are interesting interviews and then there are boring interviews. She did the latter. It wasn't even a natural conversation. You can tell the interviewee felt awkward and wanted to get out as soon as possible. But with limenviolet, you feel like they are having conversations with you. Or you are in the middle of a conversation of a knitting group (like my own) and it feels so comfortable! While I'm knitting, I feel like it's Thursday and I'm with my knitting group.

And on that note, see ya!

Pound Stories

2009-09-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

That's a picture when I was around 21 years old. By that time I had spent 16 years attempting many diets. There was the all water diet where all I had to eat and drink was water. Those huge Crystal Geyser bottles that they carry at Costco. My dad wondered why we were going through them more when I was a junior in high school. It was me. There was the vegetarian diet. Where I thought if all I had to eat was one lettuce leaf, french fries, and lots of bread I would lose weight. Forget the fact that chicken does count as meat, and you need to exercise along with the cutting of foods to lose weight. But I did try that too. Lost three pounds when I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and started walking to Lake Chabot with my German Shephard, Maxine. Gained it all back when I just realized I love food. I also tried bulemia and found the lovely knowledge that I have no gag reflex. So all the food that I had purged on was staying in that stomach.

So through all that ups and downs of food anxiety/hating/loving, my body went through a good amount of pressure to try to at least survive. It's no wonder that at 177 pounds, my body finally said, "F you" and revolted. When that picture was taken I was in absolute pain from a cyst growing on my ovaries. See, when I was 18 my ob/gyn had put me on birth control pills for a sporadic period. But they didn't go through the diagnosis process and didn't explain to me that I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. They just put me on the pills, told me to take them if I wanted to get a normal period, and went on my merry way. Since it was Kaiser, they also put me on a generic brand to save costs. Lucky me. When I started feeling ill and weird after three years taking them, I decided to stop taking them. They didn't tell me that I needed, so I stopped taking them. I got a normal period for three months, then I stopped getting my period for another three months. At that time I was working at the Women's Resource Center overtime for March and April events, and doing four classes in my degree concentration (that means research papers, reading a book in a week, etc.). I thought it was stress. I figured I would worry about it at the end of the semester.

Wrong. As I said, my body finally said, "ENOUGH!" I ended up at the hospital with major pains. I won't go into how I LOVE Kaiser because of that visit, but I was diagnosed with menstrual cramps. Hah. You forgot that cyst borrowing in my ovaries. But thanks, man. It took four doctor visits and a sonogram to see that what I did have was a cyst (by the sonogram came around, it finally broke and created a flood in the rivers of Jennifer) and that I have PCOS.

Quick explanation before the point: PCOS is an insulin-resistant syndrome (disease, whatever). Either because your pancreas produces too much insulin naturally or trying to overcompensate with slow growth of the body, it then triggers a hormone imbalance (specifically testosterone and progesterone) that then creates a problem in the ovaries. My eggs, naturally, do not fall down to the fallopian tubes. They just stay there every month. So, if three months don't drop down, what do you have? Many little eggs (called mini cysts) that create a big cyst.

So, I had a choice. I could live the same way I was (dieting and purging) or I could change my life radically. When you read studies of how if you don't treat PCOS long term you can develop not only diabetes but heart conditions and cancer...wouldn't you get scared? Well, I did. And that summer I started working out every day. I cut down on what I ate. But I told myself that I wouldn't worry about the food part. I would focus on getting more active.

And it worked.

Nice, huh? That year was the best for me. One, I was finally finishing college. Two, because I was becoming more of who I would become later on. There was still a LOT of work to go through, but at that point I was just worried about getting better.

Then I graduated college, and life happened. That's all I can describe it: life happened. And because I just focused on working out before, I didn't realize it was also a food thing. I still had a horrible relationship with food. It's either I didn't want to eat it (which...was rare, but it did happen), or I wanted to swim in it. The climax was when I was at my last job and all I could to help the pain was eating a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups (not the itty bitty pieces either) in order to cope. Sure, I was working out but my body got used to it. I was eating more calories than I could burn. When I finally realized what was going on, I was back at 177 pounds and without hope.

I needed help. A friend of mine and I were talking about the situation, and she said, "Have you ever heard of Overeating?" I just shrugged it off and said, "I don't have an eating disorder. I just love food." But she showed me a website and asked me questions without me looking. I said "yes" to all but one. And she then showed me the explanation to the questions. I didn't cry. But I realized how horrible a relationship I had with food. Not everyone has this relationship with food. I don't blame anyone for how I was brought up; it's just how it became. My mother's culture thinks of food all the time; that's just how it is. I was taught my dietitians, parents, other people that I needed to lose weight because I was bigger than usual. But if you look at pictures when I was young, I was chubby but I wasn't fat. I was beautiful. Cute. Cuddly. If I had just continued thinking that I was beautiful, stopped fighting with food, than I bet you I would have grown out of it and maybe had a mild/somewhat unhealthy relationship with food.

But, circumstances happen and now I live with this every day of my life. I don't blame the people that told me that I needed to lose weight or that I was ugly because I was fat. Why should I? It's not going to help any. If I need to blame someone, I blame society. But, anyway, I live with this constant push and pull with food. What is a normal portion? What would be better for me? I am craving sugar, is it because I want sugar or is it because I just had a horrible day at work? Should I feel guilty for eating one package of sugar wafers? A slice of bread? Am I hungry or just bored? Thirsty?

I would definitely like to not have to think about it. I would love to just say, "F it" and just go all out and eat whatever I want. And I do. One day. I only allow one day. Then I remember how good it feels to eat well. How great it feels to know that food doesn't control me; I do.

The reason why I am writing all this down (without hiding it) is because I had a quick conversation with some friends this weekend that really triggered this story in my head. One of my friends looked at me with surprise when I said, "I have an eating disorder." They didn't know that part of me. It's because I am ashamed of it. It's not something you admit without feeling like you are trying to grab attention. "Look at me! I have an eating disorder! Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!" And I felt that way after. I felt like I was just trying to make waves. But at the same time, this is who I am. It's come a loooonnnnggg way to get me here, but I wouldn't trade it any other way.

And, so it goes. Hi, I'm Jennifer. And I have issues with food.

(I'm getting there...)

Games

2009-09-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

I like honesty. I prefer honesty in everything. I am the type of person that enjoys blunt honesty. Yes, I'll get butt hurt, but I can cope. I won't kill the messenger or anything.

So, I don't understand the mind games. I just don't. And when I put in my dating profile that I like honesty, I really mean honesty. Not a version of it that involves playing with my heart and making me cry and think something is wrong with me. Not the type that keeps me waiting by my phone thinking, "Just maybe..."

No. As in brutal honesty that trusts me enough to say, "Listen, I'm a little nervous and confused. I need some space to think about it."

As in the honesty that says, "I don't think this is working..."

That type of honesty.

So, with that, I am done. I am not going to wait by my phone. I am not going to say, "Well, maybe she really meant it." No more. I know what's going on. I know that you just want to string me along and keep me second guessing.

And I thought it was cute when you would say, "Should I be jealous?" when I was hanging out with a gal friend of mine. Yeah. That was all a game too, right? To make sure I was hooked? Hooked just right until you pulled away?

And when you said, "Do you still dig me?" I should have said "Maybe..." or "No" so you would keep talking to me, huh?

But, I guess I just am honest to a fault. And I guess you are going to continue to be an idiot and think you got me.

But you don't anymore. You don't. You are gone from my life. That's the lovely thing: I can delete your contact info from my phone. I can take you off my Facebook. I can push that button that says "Delete?" and feel no remorse. Why should I? I know when I am being played. I was played for a good amount of years, and look where it got me. I'm done with games. I am done with your so called "lies".

It's over.

It's over like a charred overdone steak.

It's just over.

And although my heart is slightly sore, I am ready to open it up again. Even though there are probably a ton of people just like you. Probably millions. I may just find every one of them. But I am not going to give you the satisfaction to know that I can't open my heart again. You don't deserve it.

You. Don't. Deserve. It.

2009-09-15T22:54:00.000-07:00

"Well this is it now. Everybody get down. This is all I can take. This is how a heart breaks. " ~ Rob Thomas.

And this is from infatuation...

I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I think I'll go back to disappointing coffee dates. My heart doesn't get hurt; just the ego and my nerves.

Square Pegs

2009-09-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

I am finding that things really do happen for a reason.

Now, people tend to say that when people are down on their luck or they are just down about their situation. Things happen for a reason. Things will get better. This horrible, sad, tragic thing happened in order to enjoy what will happen.

But, now I can truly say: things happen for a reason.

I didn't know things could come this easily. As I enter my fourth week in Graduate School, I am finding how...easy it is. Well, I can't say it is entirely easy. I had to get used to the hours (I am on the computer every day now), and I had to get used to how much reading I would be doing. It's easy in the fact that I just get it. Well, there have been some subjects that I have gotten a bit confused (Information Retrieval Systems...mind-boggling. Trust me, it's more than what the title suggests), but overall I feel so excited that it just sits in my brain and marinates and becomes one.

Which is, by the way, one definition of "knowledge". Yes, I learned that in Library School. Now, let me ask you, what's the difference between "information" and "knowledge"? Do you believe "knowledge" is a social concept? What can we gain, as Librarians, from social epistemology?

Yes, I love what I am learning. I am not struggling/fighting/trying at all. I don't have to conquer anything.

Because I already had to struggle/fight/try three years ago. I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole, and I tore my soul/heart/brain trying to do just that. I don't miss it, but I wouldn't redo the experience either. If I hadn't struggled, I don't think I would appreciate this moment. This experience. This career-move. I also believe that I finally woke up at that moment. When I fought to try to show everyone I could be a lawyer, I developed discipline. I wouldn't have had the discipline to do this online learning if it wasn't for the fact that I was trying my damnedest to get a high LSAT score. Because I spent three years trying to get into school, I am appreciating this work load so much. I know, it's weird, but I love it.

It's like cutting butter.

And that's why I say now that things really do happen for a reason. It is a cliche for a reason.

Couldn't Sleep. Those Stupid Clowns...

2009-09-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

School: Am attemping to catch up after the nice, relaxing Labor Day weekend with the knitting gals. Thankfully I have learned how to read really fast and get the gist of what the article/chapter is about. But I have a group project that I need to catch up on the correspondence on, and some assignments that are due this Monday. Yeah. This weekend will not be for the fun.

Knitting Retreat: Fabulous. Unfortunately, I felt like I was either cantankerous in my sleepiness or a drunk, loud bitch. But it was fabulous. Got a lot of knitting done (as it should be), and watch a lot of movies. Especially lesbian movies. All hail the Casey. It definitely reinstated how much I love my knitting group. I am very happy that circumstances happened and this group formed.

Work: ...it's work? I go in. I do my shit. I leave. I have now come to the point that when things do come up that are done by my counterpart, all I can do the following: look at it, sigh, nod my head, and try to fix it. No outrages. No thoughts of "She's finally going to get it". Just the pure knowledge that it has been done, and now I will most likely get the brunt of it all. But it is worth it because my boss, no matter what, is great. I don't want to say in the public WWW why (the walls have ears), so if you would like to know why she is the most greatest boss in the world, contact me privately.

Love life: ...a lady doesn't tell...yet. ;) Well, a lady can't tell anything when she doesn't have much to tell. But we will see. Again. I was freaking out last night because we had a date and, again, she wasn't getting my hints. I got a peck, but that was it. I wanted so much more then that. It's nice that she listened to me earlier, but now it's different. So, I talked to her. But I kept thinking that maybe I am settling. That I am scared to live alone that I just take the first woman that is interested. But at the same time, I am scared that I'm too scared to go forward. But, we will see. It's not forever. Hopefully our next date will go better. We are going to go see "The Time Traveler's Wife" and get dinner. Let's hope I will have something I won't tell.

I love Pandora. All hail the Quick Mix with slow, sexy woman jazz with M.I.A. and Goo Goo Dolls. Fabulous.

I hate summer. I want my rain. I want my cold weather. I want to wear my sweaters again.

I miss my Bluebird. Been too busy for her lately...we will have to bike tomorrow or this weekend.

That's about it.

:-D

2009-08-30T13:53:00.000-07:00

Cliches abound.

A book by its cover would never have gotten me to go forward
but she smiles
and it makes me feel like I am
home?
Maybe.

But the bookcover suggest more then that.
I want to smell her
constantly keep in contact with her
keep getting to know her
and her beautiful eyes
mouth
hips
Gorgeous
gorgeous
g
o
r
g
e
o
u
s
personality.

And cliches abound as I hear the common rephrase

"I told you so."

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

We will see where this goes....

Forgot...Pictures

2009-08-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

Flickr was being an idiot...so let's try Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2086748&id=33202150&saved#/album.php?aid=2086748&id=33202150

If you can't see it, let me know.

2009-08-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

Present Book: "The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie, and every single Library and Information Science Intro book known to man. Even Beginner Management for Information Services book. It's fabulous.

Music: Female/sexy jazz like Blossom Dearie, Ella Fitzgerald, and maybe some Dean Martin

Knitting: Finished the first sock for my complicated/cable like project from Sock Innovation. It was fun using itty bitty needles to then use humongous poke-your-eyes-out needles. I wasn't using the exact same needle from the itty bitty to long, but ah well. They fit perfectly. Will start the second one soon. I am still working on a shawl pattern. Haven't started my Knit Along project that my friend Jessica and I were going to do together. She has surpassed me because I am slow when it comes to starting anything. It didn't help that I was in New York City. But, I will try to catch up. I have to get new needles though.

Thoughts: Started school this Monday, but had already started a class the beginning of this month. But, the procrastinator in me, decided not to start until I came back from my vacation. Dumb. Idea. I was in front of my computer from Thursday to Sunday, trying to get ahead and get caught up on everything. But I am having fun so far. I am starting to get to "know" people (all of my classes involve introductions), and learning a lot in such a small amount of time. It is going to be a very busy semester though. I have tons of reading, and it is only been three days. I am pretty caught up so far because I finished one class's reading last week (I figured why not since I had the resource there), but I don't have all my textbooks. I have two or three that are lagging, and one of them I have to finish reading by the end of this week. I also know that there will be one class that will be challenging because the professor thinks non-linearly. I like linear thinking. But, I will conquer through! Through all this complaining/whining, I am absolutely happy that I am starting on the rest of my life.

Love: Against all protestations, I have been pushing myself out there. I went on one meeting before New York City at SF MOMA to see the Georgia O'Keefe/Ansel Adams exhibit. The exhibit got filled, and my "date" and I didn't click. I talked like an idiot, and she was unresponsive. But I understand first dates tend to be awkward. But, we will see. I am not as optimistic about it as some people have been. I also didn't feel that click. She is pretty, but our personalities/preferences didn't seem to click.

I went on a coffee date on Tuesday (yesterday) to another girl that I met through OKCupid.com. This is the first time that I had a date right after website contact, and it wasn't bad at all. She and I clicked physically and mentally. It wasn't hard to have a conversation with her, and I didn't feel like I was pushing it. It felt natural. She and I have also been texting back and forth, so it helped that I had some sort of idea of who she is. We have another date (dinner date this time) on Saturday. But...well, have you ever heard the joke about the lesbian and her second date? They bring a U-Haul Truck. Well, I think she was starting to do something like that because she was already planning our third date...at her house. I told her I want to take things slowly, and we haven't gone on our second date yet. She seemed hurt after, and I felt guilty...but I haven't had a relationship with a woman before. I would like to take things slowly and enjoy dating as it comes. I don't want to jump quickly into the thick of things. Is that bad? I mean, am I doing something horrible? Should I just jump in and then let myself get consumed in fear? Aaaahhhh!

Anyway. That's what's going on.

NYC

2009-08-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

I am back. It's been a great visit. I took a lot of pictures. Unfortunately, because I took over 300 pictures...I am not going to post them here. But I will be putting them up on Flickr for you guys soon.

I'm home! I miss my Amie and my Bluebird.

Test

2009-08-08T19:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I am testing something.

2009-08-07T17:48:00.001-07:00

Blah blah blah blah.

How To Be Female

2009-08-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently I was being a very bad example of a woman and was not buying good underwear. Or wearing underwear that I had since I was 12. And also, I was putting my bra on incorrectly. And washing all of them horribly. What I find out on Thursday nights...

So, today, I went through all my underwear and threw out the ones that looked old, was old, and didn't seem to fit me well. Yes, I wore underwear that didn't fit me because I just didn't care. Apparently (that word again) if you wear something pretty, you will be confident and you will get laid. I was told that is the reason why I am not getting laid. Yes. I know. TMI. So, over half of my underwear went into the garbage can. And then I looked at my underwear drawer and said, "Shit. I have no underwear!" (Well, I kept a few...but not enough) So, I ran to Target to get some underwear. Yeah, cost me 50 some dollars to get enough underwear. But they're pretty! And lacy! And comfortable! Yeah.

I feel like I have become a full grown woman now.

PICTURES!!!!

2009-07-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

As promised, here are some of my vacation pictures. I took a lot, so this is not everything.

We start with setting up Amie for the road trip. We strapped him on top of our shoe rack, and we thought it would stay. But it slipped through the bumps. He wasn't that frazzled, but I definitely was getting worried. It was either I take him out and risk having him hurting himself on the bumps or have him in the cage and deal with the bumps. I went with the latter. He wasn't that mad at me because...

Yeah. He got over it. He's a brave man.

Outside our motor home at night in Newport Beach. I haven't mastered taking pictures at night, sorry...

In the day time. Pretty...

We had a long day....

Disneyland! Blurry...

This is before they collapsed from my running around for Fastpass.

Balboa Island

Views from my bike ride around the RV resort

Disneyland again! This time with the sis and her boyfriend.

He likes Tigger though. He got a little jealous by this...

Blue Bayou Restaurant!

And I couldn't finish Disneyland without this...

Not me...but whatever. :)

And that's it! Enjoy!

2009-07-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

I promise, photos will come of the many scenes that I saw in Orange County. I'm just lazy and will eventually put them up.

I BOUGHT A BIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One thing that came out of my vacation was the fact that I absolutely loved biking around the RV resort and the beach. I hadn't biked since I was a kid, and I could never find a bike that fit my small stature. But my sister had this very small bike designed for a woman, and she let me borrow it for a week. I fell absolutely in love with it! So, I knew that I would have to buy myself a bike so I can continue enjoying the wonderful feeling of biking.

So, I did. It was actually at a great cost for a bike, and I already did a run to Trader Joe's with it. Although I didn't buy anything, and realized that it would have been hard to carry anything in it. But it was still fun. :)

Yeah!

2009-07-16T18:06:00.001-07:00

The soft tinkle of the waves hitting the sand bar.

I sit. Just enjoying the small silence punctured with joyous cries of international children. Innovative. Making aquaduct-like tunnels to the water from the sidwalk. Children meeting across the waves. Adults as well. Motor homes and trailers exude that air of peace and tranquility to make friends. Only the few arrogant people hinder that.

The water is blue, and keeps blue as you continue to the edge. Seaweed and baby sharks hide amongst the surface. I just let my toes break the surface.

A soft breeze comes over the area, making my sun hat threaten to break loose and be part of the free world. A stern hand keeps it in place. It does not disturb my reading frenzy.

This is where thoughts emerge. And I think of what has happened in the past year. I don't think I could ask for anything more or less. I did what I needed to do, and am extremely happy.

What needs to change? The living situation. But that will come in due time. For right now, I am counting my blessings and just happy that my choices led to a fulfilling end. When I ride my bike down the path, I can only think of what will come. School. A more soul fulfilling career. Continuing friendships. Possibilities? Maybe. But I won't put my money on it. My blessings are in other things.

In a way, just looking out onto the ocean, the waves that continue to hit the sand bar is erasing all those fears that I had. The bitterness of what did happen to me. The water is an eraser at the end of its big pencil. It feels nice.

Now I am going to go back in. My brown skin is turning into a burnt red/orange. With eraser/ocean comes burning sun. Better put on more sun block!

2009-07-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is supposed to be near the hundreds, but I don't feel it as the wind continues to drive through my hair. I ride through the roads, paths, narrow areas to get to no destination at all.

Newport beach mornings are fabulous. It has a distinct smell that Northern California doesn't have. Flowers blooming. The salt mingled with sand.

It is an experience like no other.

2009-07-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

I am looking out through the motor home's window. A beautiful scene is outside. Someone has started a beach bonfire near their beach front property. The sun has gone down, but light is still reflecting onto the water.

It is all absolutely beautiful.

Amie is on the laptop screen right now. He is just chillaxin', telling me all his fun stories.

And I am sitting here, excited to start another day with a bike run and then...absolutely nothing planned. I even turned down plans because I just didn't want to do a thing.

This is the life.

2009-07-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

I don't come into work for two days, and apparently the world falls down at the ears...whatever. I just don't care anymore.

Four more days until my Southern California trip. I am already planning outfits, events, and what to bring knitting-wise. It helps the days go by faster.

Amie is getting excited too! He is planning his outfits as well (a nice cool turquoise feathered swimsuit will just have to do), and his new temporary digs. We plan to pick that up tomorrow.

After staying away from my gray cabled socks, I finally found the strength and inspiration to finish the first sock and be half way through the second sock. It is actually getting me back into the sock knitting. For awhile, I have been very dampened in my sock knitting. Now I am starting to love it again. I blame the podcasts I have been listening: she is a sock knitter.

We now have a hole in our family room ceiling...when will the demolishing end?

On to the Windmills!

2009-07-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

I told myself I would NOT do this. That I would not post another Craigslist post. That I would NOT look on OkCupid.com. That I would not try again.

But I have. Although I doubt I will get emails because it was a half-hearted attempt at a charming post. I basically said I want THIS type of woman (and I meant woman) and I want her to have these certain qualities. It was very stand-offish. But whatever. I am just so tired of getting emails that say "One night only!" or "Hey, let's talk forever and a day but NEVER MEET".

Anyway.

I was just getting lonely and realizing that I had a choice of living like this and getting more sad, or attempting to do something about it. I really doubt I will find someone, and I really think this is a foolish thing to do. But whatever. Might as well try. But I want perfection. And I doubt anyone out there fills that description for me.

So, yeah.

2009-07-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to think of witty titles lately, so I have been leaving them blank.

I have had a very hectic month! Working every day, helping friends out with lovely wedding stuff, and other miscellaneous things has kept me very busy. It's nice to finally relax and just think of nothing. Of course, my body made me do that when it decided to give me a slight fever, a hacking cough, mucous filling my lungs and nose i.e. a cold. I slept. I read. I cleaned/vacuumed/washed my room. I watched TV. It was fabulous. It was also slightly boring, but it beat getting more sick at work. I was also banned from work, so that helped as well. I am much better because of that.

I have quit the Weight Watchers site, but I am still trying to live the life of a WWer. In the beginning it was hard because I just wanted to go willy-nilly and just not care. But then I remembered how much I enjoyed eating right and losing weight. And I remembered the reason why I quit was because I felt that I could beat this plateau better then a money-hungry site could. It kept saying I wasn't inputting my activity points right and that is why I reached my plateau. Forget the fact that my body got used to eating right and is now wondering what is next. Also, you have to do different physical activities in order to shock the body. They didn't even mention that. So, after much struggle (and apparently a co-workers want for me to gain weight as her revenge with cupcakes), I kept going. And I lost three more pounds! So, hah! And I am wearing smaller clothes! Hah! My friend and I went shopping one day to get a dress for the wedding, and she forced me to try Junior department clothes. I said, "No! I have never fit in those!" But, she made me and now I own clothes from the Junior department. And they fit me. They actually fit me. I am now determined to keep this up because it feels so fucking good to actually feel/see the progress of it all.

During the month of work work work, I found a new way to relax at the end of the day: listening to podcasts. Now, I used to think it weird that I would have to sit down and listen to something. I'm the type of person that has to do something while listening. I don't listen to music just sitting there. That's why I have been to maybe two concerts in my life. I am running around the room. Cleaning. Working on homework. On the computer. I like to do things. Well, someone kept telling me that I should listen to some knitting podcasts. Since I needed to find some sort of entertainment for Amie to listen to while I'm away, I figured podcasts could work for me. So, I downloaded the Knit Picks podcast while I was at it. Let me tell you, I love listening to that podcast! And I am determined to listen to all the other ones that my friends were telling me. I just love to listen to the podcast while I knit. I don't have to worry about looking up from my knitting if I am missing a scene, or have to worry about truly concentrating on plot. I was able to finish a complicated shawl pattern because of listening to the podcast. And I don't feel drained or feel stoned after listening because I am using my mind, ears, and fingers! I am also learning a lot about new knitting techniques and fiber information. So, I am determined to do this every afternoon after work. I feel more relaxed and probably will live much longer. :)

I have been enveloping myself in Michael Ondaatje. I blame my friend from knitting group. One day, I decided to go to the used bookstore next door from L'amyx Tea Bar (Spectator Bookshop). They had, on sale, Michael Ondaatje's new book "Divisadero". I fell in love with him when I read his very famous novel "The English Patient". I read it because I kept hearing about the movie. I am always the type of person that has to read the book before the movie because Hollywood always disappoints me when they try to adapt literature. I like to keep being disappointed, apparently. But, anyway. So I came into the tea bar with my prizes, and the ladies definitely had to see it. My friend and I started talking about how much we love Ondaatje. She then asked me, "Have you read his poetry?" Now, I am not the type that likes to read poetry. I prefer hearing it, but not reading it. She kept telling me that I have to read it. So, a couple of weeks ago, she gave me a humongous volume of Michael Ondaatje's works and said, "Read it. You will love it." Well, I was very much surprised to find that I DID love his poetry. I also loved his prose (always did), but I found his poetry to be surprisingly wonderful as well. Usually a huge volume like what I was given takes me longer to read, but I just kept reading and reading and reading. I was sad when I finished it today. So, after contemplating the possible Ondaatje burn-out, I decided to start reading another Michael Ondaatje book called "Anil's Ghost". I just have to be immersed a little bit more.

One more week, and I am off on vacation! Yeeaaahhhh!!! We are motorhoming down to Newport Beach, and just relaxing. The only set plans that we have is going to Disneyland for two days. Other then that...it is all up in the air. Which is nice. I have been the type of person that had to plan everything, but lately I have been wanting to just...do...nothing. No planning. No making sure we make it to a certain place at a certain time. Just...nothing. It sounds nice. I am looking forward to it.

2009-06-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

Don't ever let me drink appletinis ever again. Especially in a fun drag queen bar and restaurant. Or let me drink shots that have the words "purple" or "hooter" in it.

The memories are slowly coming back to me. And my face is now permanently red. It will be like that for maybe three months now.

2009-06-20T17:58:00.001-07:00

I feel soooo stupid right now. I tried to do some henna therapy for my hair to add some shine and color (red in sunshine, ahhhh!), but of course, something happened! I kept saying, "Why isn't it becoming liquid???" I made a mess of the kitchen, was almost in tears.

Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.

I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.

I really want to eat.

2009-06-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I miss being close to someone. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way. It used to be okay to have best friends, to have someone so close to you that it was hard to imagine a life without that person. When you are young, you don't have to worry about these things called boundaries and rules and regulations. You were just someone's friend, and you were so close that you can read their minds sometimes.

I miss that.

As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.

Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.

But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.

And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.

But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.

It just gets damn lonely sometimes.

2009-06-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Obviously,
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.

Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.

The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.

While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.

Religious Fanaticism?

2009-06-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

Life is good. I've been working full time since the end of May, so I haven't had too much time for myself. Our office has been crazy busy too. This week was supposed to be a normal week for me, but we were swamped with paperwork that I came in to help the other Jennifer catch up. But starting next week the Jasmin is going on vacation (again), so I will be taking over til she comes back. And then my boss is leaving for vacation, so I will be taking over that desk (well, not literally...not a lawyer) to keep up. She is supposed to be back the second week of July. Then...I get to go on vacation! Our office is hilarious in the fact that we all piggy-backed on each other's vacations. It started with the other Jennifer from Memorial Day til this Monday, then Jasmin for the two weeks, then Mary for another two weeks, then me for a week! Although I complain (I am who I am), I do enjoy my job. We've been crazy busy, but I feel so much better after this job then any of my other jobs. I respect my co-workers, and I know that Mary would never try to cheat me.

School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.

Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.

I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.

And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.

And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.

And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."

That's pretty eeire to me.

Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.

I Want to Break Free...

2009-05-14T13:10:00.001-07:00

After many, many days of the inability to sleep, concentrate, do anything, I have finally broken free of it all and got a good amount of sleep, yoga, and concentration of thoughts.

I had told a friend two weeks ago that I had finally felt free. Like a burden has lifted off my shoulder and I can finally feel free to breathe, live, etc. And it is still true, but some times there are residual demons that haunt me randomly. Especially when I proclaim said freedom. That is what happened this time.

I think it was the time of year combined with the fact that I have been going nowhere with my love life added with a big decision that I don't want to try anymore. (Yes. Yes. I know. Don't quit. Don't give up. Love will happen. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please accept the fact that I want to quit and will. Let's get past that fact.) In a way, my decision was breaking my heart and dreams. Add to the fact that I am surrounded by the lovey dovey feelings with the my body feeling the natural tugs and pulls of Mother Earth and her need to procreate. So it would be normal to get down and not be able to sleep. Thoughts were starting to permeate my brain, and start adding fodder to my imagination. So, no sleep. I wasn't confused, but I was just getting sad by all the realizations that were hitting me head on all at once.

What helped? Writing. Since Netflix was down (and I couldn't watch my precious The Office episodes...maybe one of the small factors of why I didn't get much sleep), I decided to sit down and write all these thoughts out on paper. That's why I keep my diary because there are just times when I need that soundboard. I know that I have my friends to talk to, but it is different. This sounds harsh, but I need to be able to talk/write without anyone interrupting me with advice and addages. I'm the type of person that talks to herself sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I am truly talking to myself and people would take me to an asylum if they saw me. This is how I process. I got it from my mom (she tends to talk under her breath when she's working...or gardening...or just walking). In order to not be put in an asylum, I write in my diary about my thoughts. I process it all, and I just let it all out. It's like free writing, but without coming up with an amazing story. I instead figure out what is going on in my weird brain of mine. And that is what happened with me last night. I got out all of those thoughts that I was having, and just put them to words and let them air out. I truly believe that thoughts tend to get moist and start to grow mold in the brain, so they need to get aired out and become free from the restraints. These thoughts were starting to build up a castle until I aired them out.

And so I broke free from everything. I feel at peace with my decisions. I know it is for the best, and my heart is mending from it all.

I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. I'm noticing this trend of wanting to break free, or just wanting to be free to make decisions. Of course, one must know Freddie Mercury's history to understand why this trend (he was a closeted bisexual man who died of AIDS), but it also spurred me on. It reminded me so much of when I was in the closet, and when I broke free it felt so good. And now, in a way, I am breaking free but in a different sense. I am breaking free from the damaging dreams that I had in my head, and it feels really good to not have that pressure. In a way, I am like Freddie Mercury (without the AIDS): I want to break free, and I have.

and so it begins...

2009-05-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

Spring is here. I am sneezing like mad, and going nuts because the flower are so gorgeous and I can only produce mucus to show my pleasure.

Spring tends to also kill my ability to think straight (ha ha ha, yeah, I know) about anything. All day today I day dreamed about the most fantastical things. I mean, forget the soap operas, I dreamed up my own juicy stories! Of course, it helped that we were slow today. Once the flowers bloom and the sun starts to shine through the dense clouds, my imagination starts to overwork and create imaginary feelings or secret wantings. I am trying to monitor it and make sure that I don't go overboard with my imagination. But it feels so good to get that little sensory back in my life. It has been dead lately, and I have been missing that pure adrenaline when the clouds seem to surround my peripherals.

And then there is Summer. Where I have known to lose all inhibition and start taking off clothes out of desire and pure hatred of sweaty garments. That does not involve imagination but pure action. I have been known to lose a many of things during this time of year, especially when my hormones started to come in at fifteen. I tend to stay indoors because of this.

My mantra for this year: I do not need society's idea of happiness. I do not need society's idea of happiness. I am fulfilled in many ways without a partner in my life, and that is how it will stay. Some people say that is just giving up and not letting life in; I say it is accepting something that has been the hardest to accept. My fear of being alone has encompassed my life since I realized the existence of romantic love. After years of thinking that I was too ugly for people, too annoying for people, or just too something (fill in the blank), I am happy just saying that I am good enough for me.

It feels so fucking good. Just tell that to my over-working imagination and sensory-driven/passion-wanting mind.

And so I heal it all with some Amie love and The Office. Oh yeah.

Meet Amie

2009-04-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

He has become the love of my life. Forget any others; I have found him!

He's blue, feathery all over, and a character! But he does tend to be overly anxious, so we will teach him otherwise. He loves Amadeus Mozart (and anything classy), but can rock it with Queen. And, most of all, he knows how to keep a clean cage!

Isn't he a cutie!!!!! Love him.

Perfection

2009-04-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Someday I will not want perfection. Someday I will not run my matches through my high standards of want. Someday I will actually like a woman that is good for me and actually likes me.

Yeah, sure. And I will suddenly have my hair change a bright orange and blue with spots without my help.

I know this is the usual thing with dating, but it seems like it is my personal journey. I know, how arrogant of me. But it seems like I either settle down and just date the ones that don't excite me, or I run after the ones that are horribly bad for me. Even when I am specifically dating women, I do the same thing. It's this personality trait that I can't seem to shake. I would like it to just change and I actually am attracted to the good people.

I'm in this situation that I know how to handle, but I hate it. I had a nice date with one of the ladies I mentioned earlier. It was nice, and she was great and drove an hour and twenty minutes to see me. She is warm, and seems like she and I could get along great. But there was no spark. I didn't cringe when I met her, but I didn't feel anything physical coming from my gut. I felt like I was talking with a friend instead of a potential date. I've been trying not to overanalyze, but it is hard. I want to do what I normally do and just try another date. But my gut and heart is telling me, "No, don't do it. You did it once before, and you hurt people."

Sometimes I wonder if I psyche myself to feel this way. I wasn't as excited to meet her because I felt from the emails that I would feel this way. I just wanted to see how we acted in person because you could feel different in person. But I felt the same way in person. I felt like she was cool, but no desire to jump her. Now, I know a good relationship starts with friendship...but shouldn't you feel at least like it is a possibility? Shouldn't you want to say, "Huh, she's nice looking..."?

In the end, I am looking for perfection. And that really startles me because she and I touched that in our date. She and I were talking about my dating record, and she asked me why I never got involved with a woman. I said, "I'm picky. I am looking for perfection." And she said, "Are you still?" And I paused and then lied. But I will always look for perfection. Maybe that's a path that will never succeed, but ah well. I want someone to be great personality wise and physical wise. I want to be able to say, "You're cute" and also be able to be inspired by her personality.

I know. I am doomed. I just don't want to be with someone. And maybe that's the thing; maybe I am hiding from something. Or maybe I just suck at dating. That's just who I am. I have tried to change, but it's hard. Maybe I can, or maybe I will stuck in singlehood for the rest of my life. I think I am fine with that though. Until Christmas and Valentine's Day comes around, and I will be curmudgeonly. But that's just how life is, and I will accept it in the end.

I know. I am doomed.

Jai Ho! And other miscellaneous items...

2009-04-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

According to Wikipedia: "...[Jai Ho] means "Freedom to Thee". It can also mean 'Praise', 'Hail' or 'Hallelujah'. When translated directly into hindi, 'jai' means 'prayer' or 'pray.' 'Jai ho' is usually said collectively during and at the end of prayers... A.R. Rahman [has] stated [at a performance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show"] "Jai Ho" means 'May Victory be Yours'."

Although I love the song for its optimistic beat and encouraging lyrics, if I hear another princessy, "I Love Anime and other foreign pop culture" little girl say when I say "Jai Ho", "Oh my god, I love that song!" I will seriously hit them over the head and tell them to get a fucking clue.

Reason why I am saying Jai Ho: I have been ranked #5 in the Library Page competition, I mean, job. Now, I thought that was pretty awesome! I mean, shoot, I'm number five in a 800 number candidate list! But then I was warned that there are multiple people in one ranking. So, I'm not as optimistic about it all. There could be a hundred people in the number one ranking. There could be ten people in front of me in the fifth ranking. So, yes, I am happy that I got a pretty good score. But not optimistic that I will be called in next week for an instant-hire interview.

Work:

I have been taking up more shifts at work this past week because my supervisor is on vacation until next Thursday. Now, that's great for me because I got a raise recently and now I have a few more hours to incure more money. But it has definitely been exhausting. I forgot how it was to wake up every morning at the same time, and going home to have to do it again. My body loves to be lazy, but I am definitely going to whip it into shape. I mean, come on, I will be going to school and going to work! It will have to get used to be tired.

What has been irritating me this past week though is the fact that my work sharing partner just doesn't have the same work ethic as me. It's something that I am trying to reconcile my brain to understand that not everyone can be the same as me. My work ethic is that I come in and do the best that I can, and if my boss needs me I am always there to help out. Like in this case, I am willing to sacrifice my days off to come in all day to help out and do Jasmin's work. My work sharing partner isn't like that. She comes in irregularly, or doesn't come in at all. And so I have had to be Jazznifer (combination of Jasmin's job and my job), and that has added to my exhaustion. Now, I could just not do Jasmin's job. But my boss wouldn't let me do that. She gives me both job's work because the other Jennifer isn't there. But that is just life. I chose to come in on my days off and take care of everything. I chose to earn extra money. The other Jennifer chose not to. I've been irritated that this has happened, but I am trying to reconcile that we have free will and that she chose to not give a good gosh darn about the office and choose to do whatever the hell she wants. I wish I could do that. Maybe that's why I am irritated: my brain just won't let me do that. If I did, I would start to feel guilt and start to think that I am not a good worker.

But then again, because of this work ethic, I got a raise. I got recognition. So, that means something, right? Maybe I shouldn't be envious of her work ethic because one doesn't get rewarded for that type of work?

Or maybe not.

On my love life:

I have heard some have wanted an update on my love life. Well, it's been pretty stagnant lately. I was supposed to have a first date with one woman last Sunday, but it was cancelled because she had unexpected plans the day before. We haven't rescheduled. I have been debating whether I should text/call her to see if she would like to reschedule, but I also know that the ball is really in her court. She is more busy than me because of school, so I don't want to come off as somewhat needy. So, we will see. If I don't hear back from her in the next two weeks, I will contact her and see.

I do have a first date with another woman next Saturday. It's just a coffee date, and I am not expecting much. We've been corresponding through email for some months, and finally decided to meet. The thing is she lives further away (San Jose/Monterey area), and we don't have a lot in common. We have some, but maybe not enough to build anything from it. But we will see. The thing is, she sent me an email right before I started getting really busy at work. Now, when I get really busy at work, I have no desire to turn on my computer. And although my phone has the capacity to write an email back, I don't like to write long emails (which is what she and I tend to do in emails) on my phone. So, I didn't write to her for almost a week. I sent her an email, but she hasn't sent one back. It could be she's really busy as well, so I'm not that worried. But it could be that she didn't particularly like the fact that I didn't respond as quickly as I used to. But ah well.

Other then that, my love life has been the usual nothing-is-happening. Maybe it's because I've been pretty busy with work (and possible jobs) and starting school, but I just haven't had the desire to date. Is that weird? I'll go through periods where I would definitely like to be in a partnership, but then I'll slowly just not care and like being single. It's like a mood swing.

Other:

I decided to not count for the past week and a half. It's really hard to count points when you have birthdays upon birthdays and then try to compile lunch for the busy day. I am going to start counting this Monday, but it feels good to just be free. I haven't gone too crazy. I've been keeping to small portions, just not caring about whether it is low calorie or not. Although I did go on a baking fringe. And I had Val's (great burger joint) last night. But I didn't eat fried fish when my parent's wanted fish and chips (I had Teriyaki shrimp instead). And when I ate fried chicken last Sunday, I felt absolutely sick (hence why I didn't eat fried fish the next time). I used to think that I wouldn't be able to stop eating fried foods. Now I just can't possibly think about it or I will get sick.

Stupid Weight Watchers. You ruined my joy of fried foods. But you will never ruin my love for chocolate! And peanut butter!

Which, reminds me, I found a great low fat peanut butter spread. Called Better N' Peanut Butter, and it tastes really good. It has that good smokey flavor that you miss out on Jiffy and Skippy (I always taste the sugar in those...), and it makes a great Peanut Butter sandwich. It was recommended by Hungry Girl, and Trader Joe's provides it. That makes it a good find to me. If I can find it at Trader Joe's rather then Safeway, it means it's a great find.

That's about it. I've been really stir crazy lately, so I've been rearranging my room. I would like the free space to go to a bird or some other cool pet, but I don't see that in the near future. Although I take care of my responsibilities and didn't kill their fish, my parents still won't let me bring in a nice, furry(or feathery) friend. Some day. Some day...

2009-04-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

In order to feel human, I must overgratify myself.
In order to feel normal, I must become intoxicated and let it overlow.

Hello, I am Jennifer

2009-03-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have a problem when it comes to food. I have been denying it for a long time. I just stress ate. That's all. I can control it when I want to. When I want to, I can control my urges quite nicely.

But that's the problem when you are a stress eater. How can you control something that is controlled by an impulse? How can you say, "I don't need that donut" when all you can think of is how that donut will feel in your belly, calming that roil and toil of your stomach?

What I am finding that when I am stressed, I eat. And I don't eat just one thing. I eat the whole entire box and then some. I will eat a whole entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I am not talking about the mini ass things; I am talking about a whole entire cup. In a medium sized bag. Think of those Halloween packs. I can eat that all day. I can also eat a humongous red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. I can also eat fried foods. I can also eat a double double with cheese and an extra side of fries. Oh, don't forget the Neapolitan milkshake. And that's just breakfast.

The past few weeks I have been finding those demons that want all that. And I have been letting them talk. Hard. I haven't counted points every other day, sometimes more. On the days I stopped counting, I would eat Indian food (good, but lots of cream), chips, wine (lots and lots of wine), and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Today I hit hard. I just let go. I ate my good breakfast. And I ate my low fat string cheese, apple slices, and my Boca burger. But then as the stress heightened, I ate those donuts. I ate that cheesecake. I ate that fried fish with french fries. I am only allowed 22 points a day. I ate 38.5. And that's because I only said I ate one donut. And I thought, "What happened to self control?" My co-workers are always amazed when I will say no to donuts and In N Out and McDonalds. But they don't see how hard I want to say, "Yes." And I get so resentful of the fact that I can't have what I want.

So, it implodes into this huge massive binge that creates guilt and frustration. I've been trying to have a healthy aspect with food, but I am finding it is extremely hard when I am stressed. My therapist had taught me a breathing exercise a long time, but let me tell you it is hard to breathe when you have a lawyer breathing down your neck. Of course, that's how it is everywhere in the world. So I have been trying to breathe. Just breathe. I will go into the copy room and just try to relax my brain. Let the flow of the copier just egg away the heightened blood pressure. But then someone is waiting for me to finish, and I have Mary always asking me a question.

Then I try eating lunch. I can't go anywhere, so I try the best that I can. I clear my desk completely. I will answer work questions, but I will not work at all. I will eat the food and just think of nothing. And I relax. I don't need that donut. I don't need that cookie. I don't need chocolate at all. It lasts only ten minutes though; I am back in front of the computer trying so hard not to cry whenever my pile keeps piling up, more and more.

I know that everyone slips up on their diets. I know that I am human and can only take so much. But I was doing so good. Then I slipped. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't a humongous deal. It was a little tiny slip that lasted for two weeks. I just can't stop thinking that it will become even more. I am so scared to go back to that area in my mind. So I am trying to admit that this is not just a slip. That this is a continuous problem that I need to figure out how to fix. There are some ideas that I plan to use. But for now I can only admit this:

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I am an Overeater. I have had this eating disorder so long that I can't remember not having it. I have tried solving it by starving myself or throwing up with no avail. But now I am here; hoping to find some sort of salvation for this.

I'll Rest When I Am Dead

2009-03-09T21:52:00.001-07:00

Which, I hope, will be another 60 years from now.

I can only say that my quarter century celebration was fabulous. I don't think I could have it any other way.

And there is definitely more to come.

Here is some fun stuff to think of when you think of my birthday:

I was so happy. And it was before noon on a Saturday with some caffiene in me (but not a usual bowl). It must be a miracle! Notice the button...because of that button I got more "Happy Birthdays" then I think I ever had in my 25 years of livin'!

I'm going to now ice my feet because it is still hurtin' and it's been a day!

Stitches West

2009-02-28T19:06:00.000-08:00

2nd year of Stitches West. A knitting expo (fancy word for convention) in Santa Clara. Even though I knew what to expect, I am overwhelmed with the visuals.

Yarn.

YARN.

AND MORE YARN!!!!!

Must now collapse from exhaustion and overwhelming possibilities.

Where It All Falls Into Place

2009-02-25T23:34:00.000-08:00

I GOT INTO SAN JOSE STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, enough screaming. :)

I am now an official Graduate Student for Library Sciences. I don't have to say, "I'm still waiting..." or "I may be getting into..." No. I AM a graduate student in Library Sciences. And it feels GRREEEAAAAATTTT!

Ever since October, I have constantly been saying, "I am putting my life back into order." And ever since then I have been taking care of me; I have nursed myself out of a nervous breakdown and won the battle. It just has not shown in true physical results. I had a lot of naysayers that say I am just sitting on my laurels. They keep telling me that I am lazy (hmmm...wonder who they could be?). But I told them, "Patience. You will see." I had to keep telling myself, "Patience. You will see. This is good." And I did. I had patience. That's what I have been learning through this whole entire adventure is patience. And because I waited patiently for the results, I found that the results are everything that I have imagined it could be.

Because I waited, I am:
1.) going back to school for my graduate degree
2.) going to work at the library (cross your fingers still! I only found out that the test is the ONLY thing they are "grading" me now. Before it was 50% written 50% oral. Now it's all written. Which is good because I rocked that test).
3.) lost 12 lbs in one month.
and 4.) not going to give up on my dating life and be a hermit.

Okay, the fourth one I am still working patience on. I just found out that the tea date girl isn't as interested with me as I am with her. I am too feminine looking for her. But we had a good rapport, so I am hoping we can still be friends. The thing that I didn't like is the first thing that I thought was, "God, that means I'm too ugly." And I don't want to think that. And I instantly wanted to blame myself and say, "To hell to this vicious dating world." But I'm not. I am going to stand up to this impatient person in me and say, "Patience! You will see." And, yes, I know I will have more results if I stop "looking". But that doesn't mean someone will fall into my lap in my room randomly one day. I have to be active. I am not going to go to clubs and hook up with everyone. I am just going to have patience; someone is out there that can handle ME. :)

And that's what I'm holding on to. I don't want to be sad that I'm too feminine for someone. I want to be happy that I was smart enough to get into San Jose State. I want to be happy that I am finally getting my life back together. So that is what I will be happy about.

Yaaaaayyyy!!!!!!! :-D

Tea Dates Are Always The Best

2009-02-22T12:28:00.000-08:00

While perusing the Craigslist's women seeking women page, I found a very nice posting. Of course, that is a rare thing because most of the time, these cliquey lesbian sluts are always wanting to know where you are hanging, where you want to meet up for some nookie, or where you hang your hat on the proverbial Kinsey scale. So when you read a very nice post of someone that truly connects with you, you have to answer it. Of course, there is a small percentage that the person will write you back and then want to meet up with you.

I was the lucky percentile.

Now, I didn't have much hope for this tea date (we met at a tea bar in Oakland, so it wasn't truly a coffee date, but still). I figured, we may clash. We may have those very awkward silences. She may be weird. She may think me weird (which is always the case). But I figured it would be fun to go out on a limb to do, and see where it goes.

Let me tell you, I have not talked to someone for almost two hours straight in a very long time. There were barely any silences. When there were pauses, it was because we were busy chewing pistachio nuts or mochi. And let me tell you, she's smart. She is amazingly smart. Maybe smarter then me. And she is interracial, which is what got us going for a pretty long time. And did I tell you that she is smart and well-read? And gorgeous. She is absolutely gorgeous.

Of course, we couldn't stay at the tea bar forever. She had to go to a movie with her brother. But it was hard to not stop talking. We exchanged numbers. She walked me to my car. Then I may have been a little weird because I can never know how to end a conversation. We hugged (because I'm weird and said I was a huggy person). Then said we should do this again. Then she walked away.

But because I am me, I am freaking out. I am remembering parts of the conversation that I thought I sounded extremely stupid or unknowledgeable. Remembering parts where I was probably giving off my Weirdo vibes. And then I think, "Maybe she was too polite to stop the conversation." Or maybe she was just being nice when she asked for my number. Maybe...oh my, how my brain plays tricks on me.

So now I am in limbo. Should I call her? When should I call her? When should we do this again? My weekends will be non-stop for the next three weeks. Should we meet on the week? Should we meet at all? Should we exchange emails even though we have our phone numbers? What is the next step? I've never gone this far!

Help!

I Am The Eggman...

2009-02-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

Finally saw "Across the Universe". Love it. Reminded me of how much I love the Beatles. It also brought me back to when my sister and I would constantly watch "The Yellow Submarine". My parents had taped it off the TV, and so it became one of our childhood movies. Will do a review for CCL once I have a little bit more time to do point by point stuff.

Although Tuesday is usually my day off, I came in because my supervisor was out for her birthday. It was a good thing because we got stuff done, and it made up for the holiday on Monday (I don't get paid holidays). Unfortunately, one of my coworkers were sick and has now contaminated both my cubicle mate and me. Both she and I were complaining of hackiness and sore throats today. Let me tell you I will be very happy that tomorrow is my day off.

I've been in search of a good Book Club in the area. I miss talking about books and examining every faucet of characterization, plots, and etc. But the one that I was going to join (they even picked my book) keeps wanting to meet up in San Francisco. Now, I don't mind going into San Francisco. It's just that they want to meet up at 7:30 at night, and they want to meet up in an area that involves BART and MUNI. I don't mind BART. It's MUNI that I hate. I could drive, but then that would add more hours to get there and more pain in my ass. I did email the leader asking if we could meet up at a place that is close to BART. She has not responded. I am guessing that's a no. Well, then, I will move on. I found another another one in Berkeley that is finishing up Virginia Woolf's "The Waves". I would have loved to have joined THAT conversation, but that would mean I would have to finish a 400 page book by next week. I used to be fast, but I don't have the time. So I am going to start the club with a new book. I am excited to see what they will start now, since they chose one of my favorite writers.

I will conquer my Netflix list...I will conquer my Netflix list...I will conquer my Netflix list. I just got "Yentl" yesterday. :) So tonight I plan to have some yummy brown rice pasta with portabella mushrooms, spinach, and a little bit of olive oil, and watch Barbra Streisand try to become a rabbi. Mmmm. Fun times.

These Days Are Made Of This

2009-02-15T14:10:00.000-08:00

I may have had a little bit too much Toasted Head Chardonnay. I remember movies...Wii Bowling...and Frasier. And the consumption of a lot of Indian food and low calorie Red Velvet cupcakes. But that's all.

But, let me tell you, it was fun. Best Valentine's Day ever.

I finally found my favorite Childhood picture book . The only thing I could remember was the front cover. I mean, how could you forget this picture? I also remembered the story: a motherless child escaping her evil father and an ogre of a husband (really, he was an ogre) to then capture a prince's heart by making three distinct dresses. The thing is, I could never remember the title. I used to own it, but because of pure Motherly ways it was given away. Ever since, I have been in quest for this book.

You know how I found it? While shelving the Children's Library yesterday. The library was swamped with patrons (they were closed on Thursday for Lincoln's birthday), so I figured I would do the things I do know rather then pester the Coordinator with things to do. I did the DVDS and then went along and found a huge cart of picture books that needed to be shelved. So, I went away and shelved. After much crouching, bending, and pushing, I got to the H's. And found this lovely little gem. I really wanted to read it right then and there, but had to shelve it because I'm a good little volunteer shelver. But let me tell you, I was extremely ecstatic to find it! Must go and find it in a bookstore and buy it. Because I will never be without this gem again.

What is interesting is reading the description of the book. It's a modern-day story of Cinderella. I always thought it was an inventive new fairy tale. The description described it as a modern-day story of Cinderella that "taught women to be self-sufficient." As I read that, I looked up dramatically (I really do that) and thought, "So that's how I became who I am!" Forget the fact that I grew up in a matriarchal family with a strong-willed mother. It was this book!

It's just a theory...

This weekend looks to be shaping up to be a very nice weekend. The rain. The wine. The food. The sleep. All good.

20 Things I Want In A Lover

2009-02-10T16:01:00.000-08:00

Last of the trilogy of my love life

1. Someone older then me. Because I'm finding people my age are just not able to handle me. Or I can't handle them.

2. Someone who can be honest about themselves. Or be honest to me. That way we can cut all the usual bullshit.

3. Someone who isn't uptight about enjoying life, but doesn't mind being a homebody more often then not.

4. Knows words longer then four letters.

5. Can coherently talk about politics, and be able to argue with me about them. And then admit that I am right (or vice versa...)

6. Someone who understands the idea of returning a god damn message. Or email. Or anything.

7. Someone who understands the idea that when you agree to get to know someone, you actually...get to know someone.

8. Someone who doesn't push me away the minute any type of intimacy is going on.

9. Someone who likes to hug.

10. Someone who likes to kiss.

11. Someone who can be able to be in a group of people without having seizures.

12. Someone who can enjoy my craziness for one minute, and then be able to calm me down the next.

13. Someone who could handle my parents. As in, actually get my mother to like them.

14. Someone who can hold me for hours when I just need that connection with humanity.

15. Someone who can leave me alone when I just need some angsty me time.

16. Who understands that my friends and family are my life.

17. They understand that when they open that can of worms, they know that we are going to have to talk about it or I will go absolutely, utterly insane.

18. They can keep their word, and actually be able to stay to it.

19. Knows that life can work without drama. It's a great thing.

And last but not least...
20. Someone who understands that I am all emotion and heart, and knows that if you say something to me, I will keep it to heart. Keep it so close that when you then contradict yourself I will get hurt. Especially when it involves feelings. Because I am that emotional. And I don't like being told one thing, then constantly be strung along after. I don't like it.

...This list will obviously change through time.

S.A.D.

2009-02-09T21:24:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm writing a series about my love life...huh, anyway.

Being one of those singles who don't have a honey to spend Saturday with, I have been thinking of fun things to do while everyone pairs up.

1. Movie marathon! Now I can do this outside the house and finally watch the movies that I haven't gotten around to watch. Or I can stay home in my fuzzy wuzzy pajamas with lots of chocolate and watch my old romantic comedy movies. I've done that many of times though and I want to do something different.

2. Travel! I've been missing my Northern country lately, and have been craving some hippie-feeling, nature-loving sensibilities. But that means I would be out all day, and I won't be able to afford staying at a motel. That means I will be driving all day. Do I really want to do that? If it is worth it. Especially if it involves some champagne and gay fun in Guerneville, and then some yummy Women power in Sebastopol.

3. Hang out with some other single friends. Wait...never mind, I don't really have any that live around here.

4. Eat lots of cookie dough and call it an Off Plan day. Mmmmmmmmm....cookies.

5. Go to a bar and drink lots of Chardonnay. Mmmmmm.

6. Enjoy a good book.

7. Drink lots of wine at home, then cruise Craigslist.com like a weirdo.

8. Do the above, but then start prank calling all of my friends who are trying to enjoy the day.

9. Do nothing.

10. Kiss a girl and actually like it!

Anyway...I think I will do either one or two. I'm leaning more towards traveling because I just need to get out. I've been wanting to enjoy some time by myself, and this is perfect time.

We will see. We will see.

My Love Life

2009-02-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

The best symbol to describe my love life is a circular labyrinth. I'm always trying to figure out how to get to the middle where I will reach enlightenment. Or the big centaur that will eat me. I am always continuously going up and then down through mazes. Of course, it is not fruitless. I always learn things on the way as I solve one puzzle at a time. I just never get to my destination.

This time around I thought I may have found a little respite. Not the grand prize, but maybe a little sanctuary on the way. But once I was going up, of course I had to go down. I'm not sure if it was me or her, but it's been a frustrating week.

I might have been a little "clingy". When it comes to my interest, I like to get to know someone. And in order to get to know someone I like to poke them or write to them in email or want to know what they are up to. I don't want to be around them all the time, but I like some contact. I may have smothered her, but at least I wasn't calling her two million times in a day. I actually didn't do that at all. But I could see why I may have been a little...clingy.

But at the same time, she shouldn't have said she was interested to then run to the hills. From the very beginning, she was always running. When she told me she was interested, she then ran away and wouldn't talk about it until the next day. Then when we decided to see where it would go, wouldn't the obvious thought be to get to know the person? But it was the opposite for her: she then removed herself away from the situation and then kept me at a distance. I think she even insinuated to me on Facebook to leave her alone (of course, it could be my brain saying it, but it really feels like she meant "Go away, not interested anymore!"). Even when I finally broke down and text messaged her about the email I sent her, she said she didn't check her emails and it is probably there. Then no response. Nothing. Hmmm, I may be slow but that definitely tells me that she's not interested.

So again, I am where I was before. Maybe a little bit more knowledgeable, but still at the same curve of my labyrinth. I am actually really liking this spot. It feels normal and comfortable. I'm not lonely and I'm not unhappy. I am happy with where I am. I don't need to be with someone in order to be with someone. I do wish that I could get to the center of my maze, but in the end I would rather be happy then figure out what is in the middle.

And, really, it may end up being a big centaur that will eat me up. And you and I wouldn't want that.

Edit: Oh my, an email can change everything. This is all confusing...but then again, most things are confusing...

We will see what will happen what the labyrinth will give this time.

On A Happier Note...

2009-02-05T17:55:00.000-08:00

I don't really follow "American Idol". But so far I've enjoyed some of the winners. Like Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood.

I think I may have found another one. Or maybe I just love this song...

Will This Crush Go Away?

Mmm...yummy song.

Hmmm..wow

2009-02-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

I finally Youtubed Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl...". Everyone kept telling me that I would love the song, and oh my goodness I should listen to it!

Yeah. Um. Sure.

See Video Here

The song is nice. But the video shows even more what Katy Perry truly feels about kissing a girl. She is dancing around with all the pretty women, and she is having fun. But at the end it's all a dream and she wakes up mortified? Then looks at her boyfriend and is relieved?

How is that liking kissing girls? How?

Shows how much our world will never change. We will always be scared to explore new horizons, and the unknown. And we will never accept the fact that, heaven forbid, women like kissing girls and liking it.

And they won't have to worry about their boyfriends would mind.

The Kinks of It All

2009-02-02T23:19:00.000-08:00

I work as a part-time Office Assistant at a corporate law office. I've only been working there for only four months, but so far I've enjoyed it immensely. With any job though, there are always one complaint.

Well, okay, FOR ME, there is always one complaint.

I do enjoy this job. Trust me, after my fiasco with my last job this job is heaven. I do wish that I was full time, but I have as much hours as I could to be full time. My attorney boss is an amazing woman. And the people that I work with are great to be around. I'm actually bonding with some of them over Weight Watchers.

I guess what truly bugs me is the fact that I have to be the bad guy. I've been told at my many other jobs that I am very observant, and I catch a lot of things that most people would not notice. It's a trait that has helped me in the three years of law. It will still be very handy when it comes to my library studies. The thing is that when I work with those who are completely oblivious, it's hard to not be the bad guy. The one that always foils the plans because I point out something that won't work. I am human and I do make mistakes on certain things, but I am always the one that points out the bad things that my time sharing partner or my supervisor will do.

Example: this Friday I was going through the Orders that were signed by the Judge. Policy is that we send the orders to our clients then close it and put it in our bottom cabinet drawer. Well, there was one folder that I couldn't find. Usually we put the files that still need signatures on the top shelf of our desk (Our = Jennifer (time sharing partner) and me. Yes, we share the same name). I couldn't find this particular one. I thought, "Oh, maybe we put it back on the active shelf by accident." Looked. Not there. Then I thought, "Oh, this may be a duplicate! Maybe it has already been closed!" I looked, and there it was! Now, of course the Anal Person in me had to check to make sure this was right. I mean, it doesn't hurt to check.

Apparently it does in my world. I found out that my time sharing partner closed the case with the wrong order. The order was for another financial institution. Not our's. And, of course, being the one that likes to point out mistakes (I was the pain in the ass that said, "Teacher! Teacher!" when I found a mistake), I went to Mary (my boss) and said, "Look!" Now, any boss would then go to my supervisor (my time sharing partner's aunt, mind you) and say, "Hey, this shouldn't be. Let's make sure we don't do this." Or maybe say, "Just to let you know, we don't keep these. We should really throw them away, unless I say so."

Not my boss. My wonderful, sweet boss said, "Oh, that is disturbing. You better tell Jasmin (my supervisor) this. Make sure she knows that we shouldn't keep these, and not to do this again."

Now I know Jasmin isn't that big of a fan of me. I mean, I'm the one that is slowly overpowering her niece's half of the job. Of course, it would help if she actually participated in the job. But I'm the one that took over the rest of Friday. The one that is slowly getting more responsibilities. I can't help it; I'm a perfectionist and must be good at my job. So, resentment ensues. So the fact that I then have to tell her things that I point out, instead of having the backing of Mary, just makes it worse.

I am the bad guy. And I just don't want to be. If I was in a managing position, then that would be all right. That would be part of my job. But I'm not that. I am an office mongrel at the bottom of the food chain. It's Jennifer and me, Jasmin, then Mary. It shouldn't be that I have to tell Jasmin what to do for her job. Just like I really shouldn't be telling my own equal that she needs to do her job (i.e. call our clients, set up telephonic appearences, making sure all motions get equal attention). That should be Jasmin's job. Just like pointing out errors that were found should be Mary's job.

This is the one and only time that I curse my observation skills. I don't want to be the bad guy. I just want to do my job and do it right. The thing is if I stop observing and stop pointing out things, our law firm loses money because we're not catching our mistakes. These are not tiny, insignificant mistakes. These are the ones that set back our ability to give our client the upmost care. Like today: we got a notice from the court that said our motion is being sent back because one of our documents had the wrong client on it. Guess who found that?

*points to self*

And when I was showing Jasmin, she said, "What, what is wrong? I don't see it?" I had to go to the document that had the wrong client name, then move to the next document that had the right client and point at it. It took her five minutes to realize it. I really am not exaggerating, it took her five minutes and me saying, "We put the wrong client in the document" for her to get it.

*sigh*

The thing is, Jasmin is not stupid. Jennifer is not stupid. Just...not as observant. And they're both so rushed when it comes to things. And I've learned that you can't rush things. If you rush, you make horrible mistakes. I've done pretty bad mistakes at this job because of rushing. You have to take your time, do the best that you can do, and hope for the best. And that's why at my last job I was so stressed: I was always having to take out fires. And then, because of rushing, have to take out fires that were caused by trying to take out the previous fires. Of course, that's life. But that's how I get through the day: doing the best that I can.

And look what happens: I get to be the bad guy that has to tell my own superior how to do her job.

I guess I can't get everyone to like me.

Why?

2009-02-01T03:20:00.000-08:00

So tonight (or I guess last night since it is 3:30 in the morning right now), I went out with someone from my Bi Women's group. We're getting to know each other, and I seemed to enjoy her company the times I've seen her. So, I figured, why not? She's slowly coming out of her shell, and I wanted to help her out. It also didn't hurt that I thought she was gorgeous and wanted to get to know more of her mind. She wanted to go to The Lexington because she was there on Wednesday and wanted to try to flirt with someone. She even made me promise to help her out with hitting on someone.

When we went there though she was starting to clam up. And I understand completely why she didn't want to. I didn't even want to, but I ended up doing it anyway. Of course I stumbled and fell and it was funny. But I made a promise that I didn't want to break. And over dinner I got to know her even more and I am absolutely fascinated with her. She is smart, easy to talk to, and is enjoyable to hang around. I can drink with her, but still be able to talk about political issues. Let me just say, I was having a hard time not to think of her as a possibility.

Now, we kind of ventured into that topic while we were at BART waiting for the Millbrae train. She was talking about how she always gets hit on or looked at, but never asked out. So I told her that if she wasn't in group I would have asked her out. It really was an excuse. I just said that because I didn't want to get embarrassed when she said, "Ew, no." Hence why I added "but you're in group..." And through out the whole entire evening she kept giving me the friend vibe. Only friend. Only friend. Only friend.

So let me tell you it was surprised when we finished the movie we were watching with my parents (long story...) and she says, "By the way, the reason why I wasn't flirting with anyone tonight because I was interested in you." And then walked away.

Now, any normal person would have just said "Woah" and closed the door.

You do realize you're talking about me, right? Of course I had to follow her out on the driveway in the freezing cold and say, "What? What do you mean?" and then it followed that my stupid comment about being in group is the reason why she was running away and then when I said, "We will definitely have to talk about this" she said, "No, because now I'm not going to answer any of your phone calls..." And then she got into her car. And I'm walking away realizing 1. shouldn't have done that and 2. feeling really confused and stupid. I mean, the girl had to quickly run in flat clickity-clak shoes!

I'm feeling really, really stupid right now. I wish I was a normal person so that this never happened to me. And I never said that comment of her being in group, and hence why I never hit on her. And I wish I never followed her outside to her car and kept asking her about it.

Dumb.
Dumb.
Dumb.

Welcome to my world. And now I can't sleep. When I was exhausted and wanted to just sleep: she tells me that she's interested in me, and now I can't sleep. Because I am a moron. And maybe a little wasted.

Dumb. I am dumb.

Sober

2009-01-29T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've been wanting to write in here, but every time I sit down in front of the computer it falls out of my head. Like now. But I decided to push myself this time.

Weight Watchers
I'm doing all right so far. I've lost 7 pounds since I started, but I am definitely slowing down. It may also be because I've been eating a little less healthy. I think this is good for me because I want to have a good relationship with food, rather then deny myself something. I would rather have a healthy attitude then be skinny. I am also noticing that my non-WW friends and family are getting tired of Points talk.

Knitting
I'm finally finishing up my fuzzy wuzzy cardigan. I'm sewing it up as we speak. Just needed to take a break from it. I need to get buttons for it though. I'm also finished with my friend's slippers. Just need to start on the second one, and get sticky stuff for the bottom.

I'm also spinning up some very nice black, pink, and blue yarn. This will be my first project that will be navajo plied. I'm very, very excited. I've been trying to take a break from it this week, but I will definitely be craving for it next week.

Etc.
I put a posting on Craigslist in the women seeking women section again. I haven't had much luck the couple of times, but I think this time I worded my posting just right. I did get a couple of skanks, but then I got an email from a very nice woman. We've been emailing back and forth, and now we are going to meet on Monday. Now, I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but at least it will be nice to go out. Now, I know she may be a mass murderer...hence why we are meeting in a crowded Starbucks. I'm a little nervous, but I figure it won't be that bad.

I'm also meeting up with a woman that I met through my Bi Women's Group on Saturday. We're just going to The Lexington, grab a drink or so. We're just going to be friends, so it will be nice to meet another queer woman.

Through all these experiences, I've been noticing how I would like to be in a relationship but I haven't found that woman yet. Both of these women seem nice, but I don't feel anything. I don't feel like I'm going to experience the next big thing. I guess I'm non-chalant about it all. I think I posted the ad because I wanted to experience Queer Women connection. My life is a little hectic to really have a true relationship, I think. Or maybe this is me being scared again. Scared of experiencing anything.

I just wish I could finally get my first girl kiss over with. Or finally experience my first great kiss. That would be nice.

Anyway, that's what's going on so far in my life. Now, back to my knitting! :)

What I Miss the Most on Weight Watchers...

2009-01-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

I miss eating.

Not that I don't eat on Weight Watchers. I eat plenty. I eat really good-for-me food that fills the stomach and not gain extra poundage.

I just miss eating simply without worry of points and calories and wondering whether it would be healthier to eat another option.

I miss biting into garlic bread and not thinking, "Oops, I think I am going to regret this later in points value."

What I don't miss? Feeling guilty when I eat food. I didn't realize how horrible a relationship I had with food until I thought about joining Weight Watchers. Whenever I ate lots of food and felt extremely full, I felt guilty for eating. Or when I ate wonderfully rich chocolate cake, I would feel absolutely happy and wonder, "Why can't I feel this in life?"

On Sunday, I ate a third of a Chocolate Lava Cake. I budgeted, knew that I would have to use some of my flex points. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt great. I thought, "Hey, I didn't eat it all. I had my sister and dad helping me out. I didn't want to eat it all in one sitting. I ate it. Enjoyed it. And didn't eat it all." This has been the first time I did not feel guilty after eating chocolate.

I don't miss that feeling at all.

I don't miss feeling like a failure every time I bite into carbs.

I don't miss the feeling of being overstuffed and not able to think of moving.

I don't miss the feeling of being so lethargic that I can't do what I want to do.

I don't miss that feeling.

So, yes, I do miss eating garlic bread without feeling a little uneasy about my Points allowance. And I do miss eating without thinking of points and calories. But it is worth worrying about calories and Points then feeling that bad about food. And if this finally gets me to be okay with food, then this will be all worth it in the end.

Because for the first time ever, I actually reached for an apple for a snack. And felt satisfied. No guilt. No need for happiness. Just simply satisfied.

It felt great.