Coming Out and Strength

It seems like the theme of my life is revealing different things of my life like onion layers. Coming out as a feminist (although, that wasn't a huge deal, really). Coming out as gay (that was a huge deal). Coming out as a book lover. Coming out as a knitter. All things I must reveal to others like its this dramatic occurrence when it could be nothing at all (as you can see with the feminist revealing). Maybe because there are times when I just don't want to deal with what is happening and so I hide it from others so I don't have to. But eventually it festers and rots and I explode in fiery passion. (The book lover, knitter, and feminist didn't happen that way, obviously) I need to learn not to do that.

Almost two months ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now the other posts make more sense. If you don't know what fibromyalgia is, check out this link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001463/

Technically, it's a syndrome because it has multiple symptoms related to different areas of the body. But, to me, it's a disease. Because in order to truly get it through people's heads that this isn't fun for me, I have to call it a disease. To look on the bright side though: it's not degenerative and I won't die. So, yeah! But there are days where the pain and the stumbles from the "fibro fog" just makes me feel like I am so useless that I want to die. Which, goes back to what I have because depression is one part of fibromyalgia. I know, it sounds selfish and dramatic. But that is how I feel. I am a dramatic woman, what can I say. It just goes back to the fact that I have been a master to my body, and my body has gotten the last word. And there are days when I just don't want to fight with it anymore. But I continue to do it because I know better.

After two months of reading, attuning, changing, and experimenting, I know a couple of things: I can't have chocolate (can you see why this chocoholic is being dramatic?). I can't have too much sugar, especially processed sugar (Are we at all surprised?). I can't have too much beef, which is fine because I have been wanting to cut that back for awhile. Before the diagnosis I was wondering why I was having a hard time biking when I could bike easily two years ago...now I know why. I can still bike, but I think I have to work up to it. I'm attempting to do yoga, but money is definitely an issue. I can't do yoga, acupuncture (another helpful suggestion), and other things on my salary. I know of a free yoga session in CV, but it's on Sunday evenings and by the time I remember about it it's over. I will get there eventually. I already tried one medication and found bad results, but the new medicine seems to be okay. It's a slow process, and I am learning to be patient.

With this, I am attempting to find strength in the positive. What hinders this is having a bad case of the fibro fog when you're attempting to do a job like mine. You really can't make mistakes in my job. If you make too many mistakes, attorneys will distrust you and eventually will let you go. Mistakes means lost money and a disgraced image. Although you learn so many great things through mistakes, law is not forgiving. And, unfortunately because of my fibro fog, I am already seen as "stupid" (note: they have NEVER said that to me. Don't worry. But I know when lawyers don't trust you anymore because they don't feel you're reliable or good...and I see it). Last week, I had to ask a lawyer three times what he meant and I got that exasperated voice. I am learning to bring a pad of paper with me at all times so I won't forget. The other day I wrote a letter, double-triple checked it, the lawyer signed it, and went out. Only to find this morning that it was filled with errors. It was so obvious when I saw it this morning. And I nodded stoically, agreed that that was not good, and that I needed to be more detail-oriented. The attorney was nice, and there was nothing wrong with the interaction at all. But once I got to my office, I needed to close the door because the tears would not stop coming. The thing is, I used to be extremely detail-oriented. Errors would normally not pass my eyes without being corrected. Only time they have was when I was rushed. When I wrote this damning letter I was not rushed. I wrote that letter when I was "foggy", and I didn't notice the blatant errors in front of my face. And that was why I was crying. Because at that moment I just wanted to give up.

The pain, I can handle. Take some Advil, drink some water, and eventually it will ease up a bit. But my mind...my mind is something that I have been fighting for since I was kicked out of Montessori preschool. As it has been seen, I have encountered many people that have thought I was stupid or an idiot. I was just reaching the moment where I finally came to the point where I believed I was smart and capable. I got my Master's degree with a 3.98 GPA (I know, right?). I finally saw that I was good at what I do, even if it wasn't my first choice in the beginning. So this "fog" is putting me back in that stupid place, and that is where the "giving up" is coming from. It's out of being tired of fighting the demons again. Because these demons are getting old.

So, please be gentle with me. I will eventually get back to where I was before. Just another hurdle. But, please: recognize that this sucks for me? That, yes, I am attempting to be positive, but that this isn't just a nuisance. It's something that not only is changing my life, but hindering it as well. So, be understanding for awhile. If I'm like this a year from now, then you may hit me over the head and tell me "Get over it". But I will attempt not to be here a year from now. :)

It hurts

Since I can't take any sort of painkillers right now (self-restricted so I don't burn a hole in my stomach or get liver damage), I'm going to write out my pain.

It hurts. My body hurts. Specifically, my neck hurts. My shoulder hurts. My hands, the things that create beautiful things, hurt. So even though I want to knit, I have to will myself to pull it out and knit because it hurts. Pain is beauty, I guess. My legs hurt. My left knee hurts. I feel like a fat penguin when I walk because I...hurt.

How did I live through this pain before? Was it there all this time but I just walked right through it ignorant to what it meant? Maybe I lived through it because I thought it would be fixed one day. But it isn't going to be fixed. It will always be there...all the time...ever watching ever waiting ever in the back of my mind constantly nagging that I WILL HURT.

I'm in the this stage of acceptance where this is my special kind of hell. No one will understand it, I say to myself. No one will believe me, I say to myself. This is my pain. My burden to bear. My hell. Yes, again, my special kind of hell. Where walking to the bathroom is a chore. Where I will have to be numbed for the rest of my god damn life because I

hurt.

Hurt. Pain. Suffer. Needles. Fire. Over dramatic feelings of sorrow and fear and loneliness and

pain.

Did I mention I hurt?

Positive thinking is over rated. I want to hide in my sorrow that I will forever feel this pain. Especially on the days that used to fill me with so much happiness. Rain. Puddles. Laughter as I used to play around on the wet concrete, hoping that I will forever live in an area that had this type of weather. I wanted to live in a state that had this every day of the year. Now I have to rethink that because this weather only causes misery and

pain.

I am now a weather vane for all those that care. If you're worried that your wedding will be rained on, I can tell you that it will be coming. All it does is cause my body more

pain.

Don't worry. I'll warn you ahead of time.

These days are the worse because even if I'm carrying a bag it then starts to hurt. It starts to ache, and all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny little ball and try to find some sort of semblance of what it used to be without the

pain

and hope that eventually I will never feel this

pain


again. But I will. Because this will be my life. My. Life. Forever. There is no cure for this. At least it doesn't kill me, but then again at this very moment I want to put myself out of this special hell of mine to finally have a life without

pain.

But I won't. Don't worry. I have to find my faith again. It will come back to me. Maybe when it stops raining and the sun is out and I feel better again.

But now all I can think of is the fact that I

hurt. And I am mad that I hurt. I am so blindingly, agonizingly, dramatically enraged. Because all I want to do is relax and enjoy the beautiful sound of the rain against the window. Enjoy the cold in all its beautiful crispness.

But I can't.

Because I am in pain because of it.

This just affirms what I have always believed: my body hates me. My body and I have been in a constant battle with each other. I keep saying, "This is what I want" but my body continues to act on its own. My body and I are not in sync. It's like Peter Pan and his shadow: constantly at war to become sewed together.

This is just its way of being an asshole.

But that's just the pain talking.

Because I hurt.

Bad News/Positive Light

I found out some bad news recently that I am still attempting to wrap my brain around. Although this is a journal of sorts that reveals personal details, I am choosing not to because I am not ready for that yet. Not just yet. Just know that it is bad, but not truly life-threatening or horrible. But it is something that throws a curve into one's life to the point that something has to change. Not something. Everything. So I am still wrapping my brain around it. How do I do this? Education. Education. Education. I took a trip to my local library and spent an hour finding what I need to combat this bad news.

I keep thinking of that silver lining. I recently told someone that I was raised in a very negative environment, so that is all I know. But lately I have been attempting to look at everything with a silver lining. It's not the easiest thing to do, but I am attempting to do it. Because it requires way too much energy to be negative than to be positive. It's that concept of you use more muscles frowning than when you are smiling. So this is another area of life that I need to focus on the positive side of it all. Positive will combat everything, right?

And so I take on the charge, educate myself, and keep on trucking. Insert another cliche adage that means I will be all right.

Reflections in Moments

The Bay Area Rapid Transportation (BART) system has its quirks and idiosyncrasies that every commuter begins to understand. The understanding that mornings are not for rapid-fire conversations. The coffee sets in at that time. Please keep it to a low murmur. Everyone has their own ear plugs. Even if there is no audio stimuli, it is the peace that the earphones give as it diminishes the train's creaks and moans. Unless you live at the end of the line, don't think you will get a seat: whether it is the brisk walk towards home or the groggy slog towards work.

And when these silent rules or guidelines are broken, the day is shattered one piece at a time. Everyone is pushed into an unknown plane that makes the playing field very different. Tempers are even shorter. Everyone loses their ability to keep the peace. Things become not what they were. Eyes start darting, saying, "Stop what you are doing. You are breaking the rules!" Words are mentioned. Things that cannot be withheld with the environment has changed. Sometimes there is envy for those that are just sleeping it all away, not noticing that is has changed and the day has become different in so many ways.

* * * * *

First dates. I've been on a lot of them. I can describe the different types and what is the best places to go on a first date. A friend commented that a first date, especially when it is from an online dating site, that it should be a meet and confer. I see it as an interview. What do you think about this environment? Can you stand my laugh? Will you be able to handle my ever rollicking emotions? Will you be able to enjoy all the things I do, but still be yourself? These interviews should never be done in a restaurant. Too risky. It may be a horrible interview that you will regret eating your enjoyable food in awkward silences. It's always coffee or an alcoholic drink, preferred the latter for its ability to loosen tongues and minds. Shoulders relax. Mouths smile more. I'm more attractive with red chipmunk cheeks.

What I seek is a spark. A fire. A connection. Something that will make you stay even when the drinks have dried up in its glass. Something that is beyond quick glances and hurried touches in the dark. Something more. Sometimes these interviews reveal more interviews. Sometimes it leads to a "I don't think it will work" speeches and "I hope we can be friends" knowing that it won't be true. Facebook maybe. Twitter even. But never true. Never real. Always innuendo and hidden glances that lead to not seeing each other ever again. It's okay. It is best that way.

Sometimes it leads to more. To a relationship. To things that may or may not be better for me. A partner in life moments that either cheers you on or holds you when things are tough. They become the first person you turn to when you want to share something. They are the one you await breathlessly for contact of any kind. But then the path leads to its end and you both end with saying, "Let's be friends". And you are back where you were after the first interview: knowing that it will not be the same, it won't work the way we would like to. Hearts are less whole, but wiser. The walls are built up again. The plaster starts to set in, letting the once fragile wound become once again less stable. Hopes were either dashed or put back into place. Never regrets though. Never. They build the perfect partner ever. Or a better understanding of being alone. Stronger. Ready to have a relationship with oneself.

* * * * *

Campfires are the most calming images for me. They also invoke revelations that could not be otherwise. The fire always enchants their viewers in such a hypnotic way that makes one find themselves in thoughts that they had been avoiding too many times previously. They become ingrained as the smoke circles around the head and clothes, leaving its residue in its wake. Thoughts become actions that then become a spot in the timeline that one can never erase. Or they become moldy in its existence that campfire can only bring back to life. These thoughts can only be instigated by the licking and cracks of the temptress, leaving the person feeling empty as the she leaves. Until she is ignited again, and the thoughts become ravage in its need to become forefront. Then the cycle continues until the smell ignite the memories of them giving me comforting moments.

For Sophie...

My friend Sophie posted this and tagged me. Unfortunately I have been negligent in my blog reading. :) And then when I tried to put it in her blog I found my wordiness to be a problem. So, here you go, Sophie. And, it's okay if you guys read it. All two of you. :)

Facts:
1. I miss singing so much. Even though my voice has gotten incredibly horrible (I think it's the coffee...), I still attempt to belt out a tune. Like right now as I type this I am singing really loudly Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".

2. I have always hated math too, as you know. But what has helped me learn it better? Knitting. As I tell people, I know knitting math.

3. I tend to buy a lot of sparkly things. It's the girl in me. Sparkly nail polish, yarn, etc. I just get so giddy.

4. Even though I was warned not to drink too much coffee, I will never give up coffee. I have also been advised by very close friends to not give up coffee because they never want to see that side of me again.

5. Sometimes I have in-depth conversations with my two parakeets.

6. I have always wanted to wear make-up. For awhile I just said I didn't wear make-up because I didn't feel like I needed to "cover up my beauty." But, in all honesty, it's because I don't know how to put it on. In high school I tried, but I ended up getting teased mercilessly by my peers. So I just stopped wearing it. I'm slowly putting it on, but still being weary.

7. I absolutely love the sound of high heels against hard surfaces. When I was a young girl I would steal my mom's high heels and stretch them out (because I had bigger feet than her) to make the sounds.

8. When my sister and I were younger and were left home alone during the summers, we would watch "Gone with the Wind". When my sister got too old for that, I would watch it and try to find the floofiest gown to wear while watching it.

9. Even though I had a sister, I always wished I had a different sister that got along with me and was my best friend. So I used to imagine that I had a twin sister named Jessica.

10. Unlike Sophie, when I was much younger I thought I would be married with at least three kids. I even believed in the white picket fence. That has changed immensely now. I don't plan to have children, and I am pretty happy being single.

11. I don't like tomatoes. I know, how is that revealing? But it seems that scandalize a lot of people when I say I don't like fresh tomatoes.



Sophie's Questions:
1. What's your favorite childhood memory? Going on BART for the first time thinking it was called "Bark". The next day I asked my Mom, "Are we going to Bark today?"

2. How many careers do you hope to have in your life? After this job? ONE! :-D I would like to have the title "Librarian" one day.

3. What are the top 3 books you've read in 2011?
Oh, that's hard! I actually didn't read at all last year! But, here you go: Bonk: the curious coupling of sex and science; The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Society; and Cinderella Ate My Daughter.

4. What are your 3 favorite songs?
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Mandy Moore - Gardenia
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

5. Who is the first person you run to when you've got good news to share?
You! :-D Well, letter-wise. Physically, my friend Sami and Kim.

6. When is the last time you cried and why?
Yesterday because of last week's Glee episode. Suicide, even gay teen suicide, hits a really raw area of my heart (I lost a close high school friend to suicide and I struggled with it myself), so it was really hard not to cry while watching that episode.

7. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
The Oscars. Here, I'll show you:


(The Scorsese Game...and the explanation is here: )

8. What's the best joke you know? :)
I don't think I have enough room and memory to tell you. Remind me to write it down for you later.
9. Do you sing in the shower or when you're home alone (or dance, instead)?
Both! Note the above random fact.

10. What cable channel do you find yourself watching the most--if you watch tv?
Food Network.

11. What is your favorite classic book?
Pride and Prejudice! :-D

An Exciting Turn of Events

Two months in to the year and already so many things have happened to me. Not all good, not all bad either. I'm enjoying this new lease on life, and fully embracing the idea of living life honestly and positively. There have been some bumps in the road though. Last week was especially a huge test for me. After a great ride with the new bike group I joined, I went to a social event with the same group. The restaurant was located in Oakland, which has never been a problem for me. Oakland has become my stomping ground since I moved back from Sonoma county. It used to be this safe area where I could hang out with a lot of people. I tended to have a lot of my dates there as well. Well, that night that bubble got burst. I was not hurt, but my car was. Someone broke the passenger side glass window and stole my GPS and Ipod. My mind didn't go to my stuff though. I honestly did not care that they took that. Go ahead, enjoy it with whatever you are plan to do with it (probably sold off by now to help feed their stomach/addiction). But they broke my sanctuary and safe zone. Now any time I park my car, I start to panic. Especially when it is in an area that in my head is not the best area. But so far it hasn't been touched (maybe because the car has now been marked as no longer a car theft virgin...), and I am learning to let it go. But it definitely made me rethink living in Oakland. I've decided that I could not live in the area that always makes me panic. I still will go to things there, but it definitely made me aware that I am still so naive about certain things. This was apparent when others were telling me stories of when their car was broken into. I did not realize that that was a right of passage in order to be an adult. Even my parents (which I was expecting a huge blow up) said, "It happens to all of us..." Unfortunately, I did lose my cool and was all negative and dramatic. But I saw what I was doing, and tried to let it go. I think I'm almost there.

The other event last week hit a nerve for me. I joined a book club recently (I'm in a joining mood now that I am done with school), and went to the first meeting that Sunday. I had thought it went well: I was enjoying the socializing part, and I had thought I was pretty chill and not too loud or obnoxious. But there was an incident during the club business that could have lead to my being kicked out. Yes, I got kicked out of a book club. Can you believe that you can still get kicked out of clubs at 27/28? They were discussing the big numbers in their clubs, and they had some suggestions that didn't give me the most welcoming feeling in the world. And since I am living honestly and not letting things fester, I had thought I approached everyone with my feelings that some of these suggestions are making me feel un-welcomed as a new member. I guess I wasn't welcomed because they kicked me out the next day. I did send them a message asking why (all I got was that I "wasn't a good fit for their group"), but of course they haven't answered back. This even struck a nerve because I do have an insecurity in regards to be accepted. I'm slowly accepting that I am who I am, and if people don't like/love me then they aren't right for me anyway. But it was a group of very nice lesbian women...my people, you know? And I was rejected. It made me feel like I was back in junior high/high school when I was attempting to accept myself as well as attempt to find people like me. It also hit me hard because there are some parts of me that I am still accepting as who I am. I always feel like I am obnoxious when I am in social mode. Sometimes I feel my laugh is too loud, or I say the stupidest things in the world. But that is who I am. And this definitely reminded me that if people don't like it, then they obviously are not the right people for me. Lesbians don't always have to like other lesbians, right? Right? Anyway, this other event hit me hard too.

But these events are relatively small in comparison to a lot of other things. I am still here, my family is okay, and I still have my friends. So these events really put it in my head that sometimes things will happen, but I should always try to look at the positive side.

Although I still get shaky in regards to the break-in. For example, there were these two guys on Bart today that were acting suspicious. Immediately my brain went to possible stick up. I tried to think positive, and tried to keep a positive light over me. But I almost passed out from being so shaken by the possibility that these people would start shooting or something. Thankfully, they got out in San Leandro and I let out a sign of relief. And then I realized my idiocy when the people around me was talking about them and realized that the guys were taggers. They were more interested in trying out their artistry than try to rob us. I felt foolish and realized that my car being broken into has caused me more sanity damage than I thought. I will have to just keep thinking positive light, pray, and hopefully get my guts again. I am confident that I will, but it may take awhile. I just need to be patient and let myself get there.

And with that, my friends, I will leave it at that. 

Statistics of 2011 & Goals for 2012

Number of Jobs Held in 2011
5

Number of Breakdowns because of Above-Said Statistic
About 2 million

Number of Master Degrees Earned
1

New Pet Acquired
1 green parakeet

Number of Life-Changing Events
A lot...I can't count.

All in all...I believe a great year. Tiring, yes. Painful at times, yes. But absolutely amazing. What a great ride!

Goals for 2012
* Read & listen more books (I know, that was a resolution/goal last year...but I failed miserably because of school and life. This time I plan to keep it. I also found the love of audiobooks, so that helps).
*  Less oversharing in social media, more restraint towards social media.
* Positive thinking. Yes, the glass is half empty, but look! There is a carton of milk over there! Let's fill it up.
* More time with friends (Again...I failed. Time to actually do more of this while saving money)
* Save money (This time I have a goal to why I want to save money).
* Continue to spend more time to take care of myself mentally and physically (exercise, relaxation time, doing things I enjoy like biking, yoga, painting nails, etc.).