Coming Out and Strength

It seems like the theme of my life is revealing different things of my life like onion layers. Coming out as a feminist (although, that wasn't a huge deal, really). Coming out as gay (that was a huge deal). Coming out as a book lover. Coming out as a knitter. All things I must reveal to others like its this dramatic occurrence when it could be nothing at all (as you can see with the feminist revealing). Maybe because there are times when I just don't want to deal with what is happening and so I hide it from others so I don't have to. But eventually it festers and rots and I explode in fiery passion. (The book lover, knitter, and feminist didn't happen that way, obviously) I need to learn not to do that.

Almost two months ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Now the other posts make more sense. If you don't know what fibromyalgia is, check out this link: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001463/

Technically, it's a syndrome because it has multiple symptoms related to different areas of the body. But, to me, it's a disease. Because in order to truly get it through people's heads that this isn't fun for me, I have to call it a disease. To look on the bright side though: it's not degenerative and I won't die. So, yeah! But there are days where the pain and the stumbles from the "fibro fog" just makes me feel like I am so useless that I want to die. Which, goes back to what I have because depression is one part of fibromyalgia. I know, it sounds selfish and dramatic. But that is how I feel. I am a dramatic woman, what can I say. It just goes back to the fact that I have been a master to my body, and my body has gotten the last word. And there are days when I just don't want to fight with it anymore. But I continue to do it because I know better.

After two months of reading, attuning, changing, and experimenting, I know a couple of things: I can't have chocolate (can you see why this chocoholic is being dramatic?). I can't have too much sugar, especially processed sugar (Are we at all surprised?). I can't have too much beef, which is fine because I have been wanting to cut that back for awhile. Before the diagnosis I was wondering why I was having a hard time biking when I could bike easily two years ago...now I know why. I can still bike, but I think I have to work up to it. I'm attempting to do yoga, but money is definitely an issue. I can't do yoga, acupuncture (another helpful suggestion), and other things on my salary. I know of a free yoga session in CV, but it's on Sunday evenings and by the time I remember about it it's over. I will get there eventually. I already tried one medication and found bad results, but the new medicine seems to be okay. It's a slow process, and I am learning to be patient.

With this, I am attempting to find strength in the positive. What hinders this is having a bad case of the fibro fog when you're attempting to do a job like mine. You really can't make mistakes in my job. If you make too many mistakes, attorneys will distrust you and eventually will let you go. Mistakes means lost money and a disgraced image. Although you learn so many great things through mistakes, law is not forgiving. And, unfortunately because of my fibro fog, I am already seen as "stupid" (note: they have NEVER said that to me. Don't worry. But I know when lawyers don't trust you anymore because they don't feel you're reliable or good...and I see it). Last week, I had to ask a lawyer three times what he meant and I got that exasperated voice. I am learning to bring a pad of paper with me at all times so I won't forget. The other day I wrote a letter, double-triple checked it, the lawyer signed it, and went out. Only to find this morning that it was filled with errors. It was so obvious when I saw it this morning. And I nodded stoically, agreed that that was not good, and that I needed to be more detail-oriented. The attorney was nice, and there was nothing wrong with the interaction at all. But once I got to my office, I needed to close the door because the tears would not stop coming. The thing is, I used to be extremely detail-oriented. Errors would normally not pass my eyes without being corrected. Only time they have was when I was rushed. When I wrote this damning letter I was not rushed. I wrote that letter when I was "foggy", and I didn't notice the blatant errors in front of my face. And that was why I was crying. Because at that moment I just wanted to give up.

The pain, I can handle. Take some Advil, drink some water, and eventually it will ease up a bit. But my mind...my mind is something that I have been fighting for since I was kicked out of Montessori preschool. As it has been seen, I have encountered many people that have thought I was stupid or an idiot. I was just reaching the moment where I finally came to the point where I believed I was smart and capable. I got my Master's degree with a 3.98 GPA (I know, right?). I finally saw that I was good at what I do, even if it wasn't my first choice in the beginning. So this "fog" is putting me back in that stupid place, and that is where the "giving up" is coming from. It's out of being tired of fighting the demons again. Because these demons are getting old.

So, please be gentle with me. I will eventually get back to where I was before. Just another hurdle. But, please: recognize that this sucks for me? That, yes, I am attempting to be positive, but that this isn't just a nuisance. It's something that not only is changing my life, but hindering it as well. So, be understanding for awhile. If I'm like this a year from now, then you may hit me over the head and tell me "Get over it". But I will attempt not to be here a year from now. :)

It hurts

Since I can't take any sort of painkillers right now (self-restricted so I don't burn a hole in my stomach or get liver damage), I'm going to write out my pain.

It hurts. My body hurts. Specifically, my neck hurts. My shoulder hurts. My hands, the things that create beautiful things, hurt. So even though I want to knit, I have to will myself to pull it out and knit because it hurts. Pain is beauty, I guess. My legs hurt. My left knee hurts. I feel like a fat penguin when I walk because I...hurt.

How did I live through this pain before? Was it there all this time but I just walked right through it ignorant to what it meant? Maybe I lived through it because I thought it would be fixed one day. But it isn't going to be fixed. It will always be there...all the time...ever watching ever waiting ever in the back of my mind constantly nagging that I WILL HURT.

I'm in the this stage of acceptance where this is my special kind of hell. No one will understand it, I say to myself. No one will believe me, I say to myself. This is my pain. My burden to bear. My hell. Yes, again, my special kind of hell. Where walking to the bathroom is a chore. Where I will have to be numbed for the rest of my god damn life because I

hurt.

Hurt. Pain. Suffer. Needles. Fire. Over dramatic feelings of sorrow and fear and loneliness and

pain.

Did I mention I hurt?

Positive thinking is over rated. I want to hide in my sorrow that I will forever feel this pain. Especially on the days that used to fill me with so much happiness. Rain. Puddles. Laughter as I used to play around on the wet concrete, hoping that I will forever live in an area that had this type of weather. I wanted to live in a state that had this every day of the year. Now I have to rethink that because this weather only causes misery and

pain.

I am now a weather vane for all those that care. If you're worried that your wedding will be rained on, I can tell you that it will be coming. All it does is cause my body more

pain.

Don't worry. I'll warn you ahead of time.

These days are the worse because even if I'm carrying a bag it then starts to hurt. It starts to ache, and all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny little ball and try to find some sort of semblance of what it used to be without the

pain

and hope that eventually I will never feel this

pain


again. But I will. Because this will be my life. My. Life. Forever. There is no cure for this. At least it doesn't kill me, but then again at this very moment I want to put myself out of this special hell of mine to finally have a life without

pain.

But I won't. Don't worry. I have to find my faith again. It will come back to me. Maybe when it stops raining and the sun is out and I feel better again.

But now all I can think of is the fact that I

hurt. And I am mad that I hurt. I am so blindingly, agonizingly, dramatically enraged. Because all I want to do is relax and enjoy the beautiful sound of the rain against the window. Enjoy the cold in all its beautiful crispness.

But I can't.

Because I am in pain because of it.

This just affirms what I have always believed: my body hates me. My body and I have been in a constant battle with each other. I keep saying, "This is what I want" but my body continues to act on its own. My body and I are not in sync. It's like Peter Pan and his shadow: constantly at war to become sewed together.

This is just its way of being an asshole.

But that's just the pain talking.

Because I hurt.

Bad News/Positive Light

I found out some bad news recently that I am still attempting to wrap my brain around. Although this is a journal of sorts that reveals personal details, I am choosing not to because I am not ready for that yet. Not just yet. Just know that it is bad, but not truly life-threatening or horrible. But it is something that throws a curve into one's life to the point that something has to change. Not something. Everything. So I am still wrapping my brain around it. How do I do this? Education. Education. Education. I took a trip to my local library and spent an hour finding what I need to combat this bad news.

I keep thinking of that silver lining. I recently told someone that I was raised in a very negative environment, so that is all I know. But lately I have been attempting to look at everything with a silver lining. It's not the easiest thing to do, but I am attempting to do it. Because it requires way too much energy to be negative than to be positive. It's that concept of you use more muscles frowning than when you are smiling. So this is another area of life that I need to focus on the positive side of it all. Positive will combat everything, right?

And so I take on the charge, educate myself, and keep on trucking. Insert another cliche adage that means I will be all right.

Reflections in Moments

The Bay Area Rapid Transportation (BART) system has its quirks and idiosyncrasies that every commuter begins to understand. The understanding that mornings are not for rapid-fire conversations. The coffee sets in at that time. Please keep it to a low murmur. Everyone has their own ear plugs. Even if there is no audio stimuli, it is the peace that the earphones give as it diminishes the train's creaks and moans. Unless you live at the end of the line, don't think you will get a seat: whether it is the brisk walk towards home or the groggy slog towards work.

And when these silent rules or guidelines are broken, the day is shattered one piece at a time. Everyone is pushed into an unknown plane that makes the playing field very different. Tempers are even shorter. Everyone loses their ability to keep the peace. Things become not what they were. Eyes start darting, saying, "Stop what you are doing. You are breaking the rules!" Words are mentioned. Things that cannot be withheld with the environment has changed. Sometimes there is envy for those that are just sleeping it all away, not noticing that is has changed and the day has become different in so many ways.

* * * * *

First dates. I've been on a lot of them. I can describe the different types and what is the best places to go on a first date. A friend commented that a first date, especially when it is from an online dating site, that it should be a meet and confer. I see it as an interview. What do you think about this environment? Can you stand my laugh? Will you be able to handle my ever rollicking emotions? Will you be able to enjoy all the things I do, but still be yourself? These interviews should never be done in a restaurant. Too risky. It may be a horrible interview that you will regret eating your enjoyable food in awkward silences. It's always coffee or an alcoholic drink, preferred the latter for its ability to loosen tongues and minds. Shoulders relax. Mouths smile more. I'm more attractive with red chipmunk cheeks.

What I seek is a spark. A fire. A connection. Something that will make you stay even when the drinks have dried up in its glass. Something that is beyond quick glances and hurried touches in the dark. Something more. Sometimes these interviews reveal more interviews. Sometimes it leads to a "I don't think it will work" speeches and "I hope we can be friends" knowing that it won't be true. Facebook maybe. Twitter even. But never true. Never real. Always innuendo and hidden glances that lead to not seeing each other ever again. It's okay. It is best that way.

Sometimes it leads to more. To a relationship. To things that may or may not be better for me. A partner in life moments that either cheers you on or holds you when things are tough. They become the first person you turn to when you want to share something. They are the one you await breathlessly for contact of any kind. But then the path leads to its end and you both end with saying, "Let's be friends". And you are back where you were after the first interview: knowing that it will not be the same, it won't work the way we would like to. Hearts are less whole, but wiser. The walls are built up again. The plaster starts to set in, letting the once fragile wound become once again less stable. Hopes were either dashed or put back into place. Never regrets though. Never. They build the perfect partner ever. Or a better understanding of being alone. Stronger. Ready to have a relationship with oneself.

* * * * *

Campfires are the most calming images for me. They also invoke revelations that could not be otherwise. The fire always enchants their viewers in such a hypnotic way that makes one find themselves in thoughts that they had been avoiding too many times previously. They become ingrained as the smoke circles around the head and clothes, leaving its residue in its wake. Thoughts become actions that then become a spot in the timeline that one can never erase. Or they become moldy in its existence that campfire can only bring back to life. These thoughts can only be instigated by the licking and cracks of the temptress, leaving the person feeling empty as the she leaves. Until she is ignited again, and the thoughts become ravage in its need to become forefront. Then the cycle continues until the smell ignite the memories of them giving me comforting moments.

For Sophie...

My friend Sophie posted this and tagged me. Unfortunately I have been negligent in my blog reading. :) And then when I tried to put it in her blog I found my wordiness to be a problem. So, here you go, Sophie. And, it's okay if you guys read it. All two of you. :)

Facts:
1. I miss singing so much. Even though my voice has gotten incredibly horrible (I think it's the coffee...), I still attempt to belt out a tune. Like right now as I type this I am singing really loudly Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".

2. I have always hated math too, as you know. But what has helped me learn it better? Knitting. As I tell people, I know knitting math.

3. I tend to buy a lot of sparkly things. It's the girl in me. Sparkly nail polish, yarn, etc. I just get so giddy.

4. Even though I was warned not to drink too much coffee, I will never give up coffee. I have also been advised by very close friends to not give up coffee because they never want to see that side of me again.

5. Sometimes I have in-depth conversations with my two parakeets.

6. I have always wanted to wear make-up. For awhile I just said I didn't wear make-up because I didn't feel like I needed to "cover up my beauty." But, in all honesty, it's because I don't know how to put it on. In high school I tried, but I ended up getting teased mercilessly by my peers. So I just stopped wearing it. I'm slowly putting it on, but still being weary.

7. I absolutely love the sound of high heels against hard surfaces. When I was a young girl I would steal my mom's high heels and stretch them out (because I had bigger feet than her) to make the sounds.

8. When my sister and I were younger and were left home alone during the summers, we would watch "Gone with the Wind". When my sister got too old for that, I would watch it and try to find the floofiest gown to wear while watching it.

9. Even though I had a sister, I always wished I had a different sister that got along with me and was my best friend. So I used to imagine that I had a twin sister named Jessica.

10. Unlike Sophie, when I was much younger I thought I would be married with at least three kids. I even believed in the white picket fence. That has changed immensely now. I don't plan to have children, and I am pretty happy being single.

11. I don't like tomatoes. I know, how is that revealing? But it seems that scandalize a lot of people when I say I don't like fresh tomatoes.



Sophie's Questions:
1. What's your favorite childhood memory? Going on BART for the first time thinking it was called "Bark". The next day I asked my Mom, "Are we going to Bark today?"

2. How many careers do you hope to have in your life? After this job? ONE! :-D I would like to have the title "Librarian" one day.

3. What are the top 3 books you've read in 2011?
Oh, that's hard! I actually didn't read at all last year! But, here you go: Bonk: the curious coupling of sex and science; The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Society; and Cinderella Ate My Daughter.

4. What are your 3 favorite songs?
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Mandy Moore - Gardenia
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide

5. Who is the first person you run to when you've got good news to share?
You! :-D Well, letter-wise. Physically, my friend Sami and Kim.

6. When is the last time you cried and why?
Yesterday because of last week's Glee episode. Suicide, even gay teen suicide, hits a really raw area of my heart (I lost a close high school friend to suicide and I struggled with it myself), so it was really hard not to cry while watching that episode.

7. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
The Oscars. Here, I'll show you:


(The Scorsese Game...and the explanation is here: )

8. What's the best joke you know? :)
I don't think I have enough room and memory to tell you. Remind me to write it down for you later.
9. Do you sing in the shower or when you're home alone (or dance, instead)?
Both! Note the above random fact.

10. What cable channel do you find yourself watching the most--if you watch tv?
Food Network.

11. What is your favorite classic book?
Pride and Prejudice! :-D

An Exciting Turn of Events

Two months in to the year and already so many things have happened to me. Not all good, not all bad either. I'm enjoying this new lease on life, and fully embracing the idea of living life honestly and positively. There have been some bumps in the road though. Last week was especially a huge test for me. After a great ride with the new bike group I joined, I went to a social event with the same group. The restaurant was located in Oakland, which has never been a problem for me. Oakland has become my stomping ground since I moved back from Sonoma county. It used to be this safe area where I could hang out with a lot of people. I tended to have a lot of my dates there as well. Well, that night that bubble got burst. I was not hurt, but my car was. Someone broke the passenger side glass window and stole my GPS and Ipod. My mind didn't go to my stuff though. I honestly did not care that they took that. Go ahead, enjoy it with whatever you are plan to do with it (probably sold off by now to help feed their stomach/addiction). But they broke my sanctuary and safe zone. Now any time I park my car, I start to panic. Especially when it is in an area that in my head is not the best area. But so far it hasn't been touched (maybe because the car has now been marked as no longer a car theft virgin...), and I am learning to let it go. But it definitely made me rethink living in Oakland. I've decided that I could not live in the area that always makes me panic. I still will go to things there, but it definitely made me aware that I am still so naive about certain things. This was apparent when others were telling me stories of when their car was broken into. I did not realize that that was a right of passage in order to be an adult. Even my parents (which I was expecting a huge blow up) said, "It happens to all of us..." Unfortunately, I did lose my cool and was all negative and dramatic. But I saw what I was doing, and tried to let it go. I think I'm almost there.

The other event last week hit a nerve for me. I joined a book club recently (I'm in a joining mood now that I am done with school), and went to the first meeting that Sunday. I had thought it went well: I was enjoying the socializing part, and I had thought I was pretty chill and not too loud or obnoxious. But there was an incident during the club business that could have lead to my being kicked out. Yes, I got kicked out of a book club. Can you believe that you can still get kicked out of clubs at 27/28? They were discussing the big numbers in their clubs, and they had some suggestions that didn't give me the most welcoming feeling in the world. And since I am living honestly and not letting things fester, I had thought I approached everyone with my feelings that some of these suggestions are making me feel un-welcomed as a new member. I guess I wasn't welcomed because they kicked me out the next day. I did send them a message asking why (all I got was that I "wasn't a good fit for their group"), but of course they haven't answered back. This even struck a nerve because I do have an insecurity in regards to be accepted. I'm slowly accepting that I am who I am, and if people don't like/love me then they aren't right for me anyway. But it was a group of very nice lesbian women...my people, you know? And I was rejected. It made me feel like I was back in junior high/high school when I was attempting to accept myself as well as attempt to find people like me. It also hit me hard because there are some parts of me that I am still accepting as who I am. I always feel like I am obnoxious when I am in social mode. Sometimes I feel my laugh is too loud, or I say the stupidest things in the world. But that is who I am. And this definitely reminded me that if people don't like it, then they obviously are not the right people for me. Lesbians don't always have to like other lesbians, right? Right? Anyway, this other event hit me hard too.

But these events are relatively small in comparison to a lot of other things. I am still here, my family is okay, and I still have my friends. So these events really put it in my head that sometimes things will happen, but I should always try to look at the positive side.

Although I still get shaky in regards to the break-in. For example, there were these two guys on Bart today that were acting suspicious. Immediately my brain went to possible stick up. I tried to think positive, and tried to keep a positive light over me. But I almost passed out from being so shaken by the possibility that these people would start shooting or something. Thankfully, they got out in San Leandro and I let out a sign of relief. And then I realized my idiocy when the people around me was talking about them and realized that the guys were taggers. They were more interested in trying out their artistry than try to rob us. I felt foolish and realized that my car being broken into has caused me more sanity damage than I thought. I will have to just keep thinking positive light, pray, and hopefully get my guts again. I am confident that I will, but it may take awhile. I just need to be patient and let myself get there.

And with that, my friends, I will leave it at that. 

Statistics of 2011 & Goals for 2012

Number of Jobs Held in 2011
5

Number of Breakdowns because of Above-Said Statistic
About 2 million

Number of Master Degrees Earned
1

New Pet Acquired
1 green parakeet

Number of Life-Changing Events
A lot...I can't count.

All in all...I believe a great year. Tiring, yes. Painful at times, yes. But absolutely amazing. What a great ride!

Goals for 2012
* Read & listen more books (I know, that was a resolution/goal last year...but I failed miserably because of school and life. This time I plan to keep it. I also found the love of audiobooks, so that helps).
*  Less oversharing in social media, more restraint towards social media.
* Positive thinking. Yes, the glass is half empty, but look! There is a carton of milk over there! Let's fill it up.
* More time with friends (Again...I failed. Time to actually do more of this while saving money)
* Save money (This time I have a goal to why I want to save money).
* Continue to spend more time to take care of myself mentally and physically (exercise, relaxation time, doing things I enjoy like biking, yoga, painting nails, etc.).

What the Librarian Did On Her Summer Break...

She worked.

Yes, I got a job. Finally! And after two months I still like it! It is a miracle! It doesn't require a lot of thought processes, but it is a job that pays. That is what counts. It is also in the library science field (the cataloguing/collection management concentration of the field). The title is Labeling Technician. The unofficial description is basically my standing in front of a moving computer converted barcodes on library materials into big white RFID stickers. I then hide these stickers in the materials.

The Sticker: 

As I said, not much brain cells needed for this job. But I get to fondle books every day. Who can beat that? I also am allowed to listen to my IPod while doing the conversion, so I am listening to a lot of audiobooks. I started with a lot of books I have already read, and am slowly getting used to listening to books I have not read. So while I fondle books, I get to "read" books. If I can figure out how to knit while doing the conversion, my life would be absolutely complete.

It is physically tiring though. Almost all libraries have concrete floors hidden under cheap carpet. After about 8 hours of standing on that, your feet would complain too. Also if you want to get the average numbers needed to be a good tagger, you have to expect to lift a lot of books and other materials. My first two weeks were spent getting used to the aches and pangs of my body. Now my body is getting fit! I think I have lost about two inches from my waist, and my arms are starting to get sculpted. I am liking the perks of it all.

And, yes, we do have a goal that we need to make every day. We taggers needs to make sure to tag 1,200 items every day. If you go above that number you also get a bonus. I haven't figured out the exact math behind it, but either way you get more money if you go above 1200. At the moment my best number has been 1,987. I am aiming for 2,000, and I will get it someday. There is no need to be competitive; it just makes the job more interesting. :) The position is a great starting point for me, and I am excited to see where I will end up after the project is over.

The School Stuff
Other than getting used to the new job, I have been attempting to enjoy all the stuff I couldn't do while in school. I hung out with friends, did some wine tasting, and just generally enjoyed not doing homework. I couldn't do a lot of what I wanted because of the money factor, but I enjoyed what I could within my means. I accrued a lot of debt while unemployed, so I am still paying that off. I have a game plan in place to fix the debt. That means giving up some things like my smartphone, but it is worth it to be debt free again.

Now school has started, and I am attempting to get my mind into school mode. Senioritis has kicked in though, and I am attempting to cure it with very little progress. I only have two classes this semester, so I will not be rushing around like I was last semester. Thank goodness! One class though requires a lot of writing with no true deadlines...so I am attempting to put some inspiration for myself to actually do it.

 

That is a list of competencies that I have to write about for my class. The class is structured like how a thesis class is for most master's programs. My master program is different: we have an option to create an e-portfolio. We present evidence from our past classes that prove we fulfilled these competencies. But we have to introduce the evidence, argue that this evidence fulfills the outlined competencies, and create a philosophy out of these linked works. It doesn't sound like a lot, but there are about 14 competencies where there should be more than one piece of evidence. Also, there are no strict deadlines to finish this until early November. This is hard for the procrastinator in me because I will just want to wait until late October to do this. That is not recommended. So I have instilled a schedule for me and making it concrete in my head. Still doesn't mean I am inspired to write it. This weekend I said I would spend two days to work on it. Yeah, that hasn't happened. I keep saying I will work on it tomorrow. Ah, senioritis in a procrastinator. I will be okay though. I at least did some schoolwork this morning for my other class. So, not that lazy. :-D I know that once I set up a game plan, I will stick to it. So tomorrow I will be writing non-stop. I hope.

The Celibate Librarian

After a lot of dating and exploration, I have decided to take a very long break from dating and relationships. I realized recently that I have not been without a crush or love interest for a good long time (i.e. probably around 6 years...). I am also counting the small crushes and huge infatuations that I have had in the past. I have never given my heart and mind a break in order to truly know what I want. If I earnestly want to find the right person for me (or find peace with being single) I need to be okay with having no interest at all. If I have any inklings of interests, it then leads to my not wanting to be alone. I need to be okay with being alone. So no dating, no crushes, no remote possible interest in anyone. No inappropriate crushes that make me blush. No looking at online profiles on Okcupid.com. None. 

I have also given up on online dating sites. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I propose that my using Okcupid and other dating sites is insanity. Other than a few exceptions, I have found that women either stand me up or are absolutely insane. So, no more. Once this mandated celibacy is over, I am going to date another way. 

And with that, my life is updated. I will leave you with a very appropriate video for what I am feeling right now. 

Surviving

The Midterm Crunch

I got through midterms (which were during my birthday...was not happy about that) with lots of scratches, bruises, and maybe some sleep-deprivation. But even with all that, I got good grades. This will be my second to last midterm season. I can't wait.

Channeling Sylvia Plath

It seemed for the past few weeks or so I wasn't really myself. I have been going through some tough times: work, money, life. Well, not really life. Life was actually going well. It was the job and money that was pulling me down. I have been trying to find another job because the Sylvan gig is ending soon. And, to be honest, doesn't pay enough for me to survive. But I will not go into that drama. Either way, I need to find another job because I am flat out broke.

Although the job market is getting better, it is still not healthy enough. Especially for libraries. I applied for two library assistant jobs. I interviewed for both jobs. Both weren't as much money as I was hoping for, but I was willing to do it because it was experience. Both turned me down flat. Imagine the frustration.

I'm still looking, and I am determined to apply for at least one job at day. I used to do more a day, doing a more spray-gun method, but it seemed like I was just getting jobs that I was not really interested in and not enough money. I am being more thoughtful about this process.

But with all this, I was just completely down. I was feeling very un-needed, poor, useless, filler, etc. Fill in the blank with the worse adjective you can think of and put it in there. I am not sure if it was because of hormone levels combined with the situation, but I had a hard time pulling myself out of this depression. Now, normally I would not use that word. Yes, that word: depression. Because, for me, depression is just not being really sad. It is so sad that you can't move, do, think, breathe without that monkey on your back. That silly little monkey that says, "You're not good enough" or "Stop being an idiot" or gives you awful images in your brain that you can not shake. Being depressed is a very serious matter to me. So when I use that word it means it is serious. And this was serious. I had to push myself to do things. I would literally tell myself to get out of bed so I could do schoolwork. Now, imagine you have midterms and trying to do this. It's not fun. I just couldn't get myself motivated to do anything. I pushed through, and I got myself to do what needed to be done.

What got me out of this funk was finally reaching out to friends. Taking the sting out of what was going on in my head and heart, and talking it out with my friend. She was very helpful (and I am forever grateful to her...she knows who she is) and really listened to me. I think just talking really put things into perspective for me. It also helped to finally be surrounded by friends. I had been hiding myself lately, so it was good to get some fresh air and see my friends again. Although I am still somewhat hiding this week (this is only because I am conserving gas than hiding), I am still trying to make sure to get some fresh air. I stayed outside all day today in the sunshine with Amie. It was amazing.

And tomorrow I have my knitting gals (I love ya), Friday the Vagina Monologues, and Saturday my friend's birthday party. Then my parents will be back from their trip! Oh, yeah, that's probably another reason why I have been having a hard time: I am all alone in this big ass house. And I truly think there is some spirit haunting this house. Sometimes I feel a presence that at night freaks me out. And then a strange thing happened with the lights with my friends were over for dinner...it was strange. So, yeah, it will be nice to have two more people in this house.

The TV Expermintation

Speaking of this week, I have decided to do an experiment. For awhile it seemed like I wasn't turning on my TV. I had been doing some podcast and video podcast research, and so I have been catching up on a lot of these popular podcasts and videos. Because of this I haven't had much time watching my shows. I have had a lot of time with my knitting though. Anyway, I realized on Sunday this phenomenon and thought, "I wonder if I can do that..." So, three days in and I am loving this feeling. I feel the vocabulary expanding, the brain cells increasing, and the information slowly becoming knowledge. It's great.

In this experimentation though I realized that I do watch a lot of TV. I had always accepted it in my life because I live in a culture and environment that focuses on TV. But I wonder if I can at least lessen what I watch. If you looked through the list of shows that I DVR, it is a long list. And if I don't watch it a week (or in this case two to three weeks...) it really adds up. Imagine all of these shows are 1 hour long too. It gets ridiculous how much time I spend trying to catch up on these shows. Yes, I get a lot of knitting done but in the end I feel brain dead.

So I have decided that I am going to get rid of over half of my list. I know. Shocking. I will probably keep some shows that I absolutely adore (Glee. Modern Family. Castle. Parenthood, although they may cancel it...), but I feel that I can get rid of the rest. The Office doesn't need more viewers. It has enough. Other shows that have just started are just not as good anyway. I have kept them on because I feel bad. But why should I feel bad? If they're not good, they will cancel it anyway. I just don't want to waste time on a show that I am not enjoying.

I am hoping this will keep me in this motivated state. I am loving this feeling that I have this week. I am reading more. I also am listening to a podcast called "Craftlit" that reads books to me while I knit. I love it. I think I am going to start looking for audiobooks for when I want to knit. I also have Netflix that has been ill-used because TV shows have taken over my life. If I want to watch a show, I can easily watch it with the 'rents. Or rent it on Netflix. It's not that hard.

This was a surprisingly hard decision to make. TV was something that I was raised on. In a way, TV was the parent that was willing to dish out the dirty stuff that my parents couldn't. I learned what sex was from the TV (Thank you, 90210). I learned the latest fads, etc etc etc. You get the picture. My parents put us in front of the TV so they could get stuff done. My earliest memories were of TV. I remember when we were moving to Castro Valley, they squatted us right in where the family room would be and had us watch the last movie in "Star Wars". The only memory I have when we lived in Hayward was the huge projection TV we used to have. I really was raised with TV. So this is going to be fun.

Real fun.

Drop, Frog, and Roll: How Knitting is Life

I always wonder if people think it's weird that I am so into knitting. Why do I always go on and on about yarns, socks, and some other thing that involves knitting. Half of my usernames involve knitting. Everything in my room has some sort of knitting thing involved. Why has knitting become a huge thing in my life?

I learned how to knit when I was 12. It wasn't because of a grandmother or other relatives. It was all because I was being a brat to my daycare person and she said to me that if I didn't behave I would not be able to learn how to knit. Don't ask me how this worked, but it did. That day started the long journey of squares, scarfs, and lots of mistaken identities of other things. It wasn't until college when an exasperated friend that owned two god-awful scarves bought me Debbie Stroller's "Stitch and Bitch" did I move from scarf hell. Confidence grew. Information of better yarns were acquired. Yarn snobbiness was created in my habits. Another friend who really wanted funky socks was the one that inspired my sock knitting and changed the whole entire landscape of my knitting. I joined a knitting group. Everything became knitting themed.

I became an avid knitter.

But why? I believe it's because whatever you do, the skill is still your skill. Even when I did tons of those mistaken projects, I was still a knitter. I can make mistakes, and still go from it unscathed. If I absolutely hate a project, I can undo (or frog) it and start again.

And the fact that a craft can take a mistake and make it art...










(dropped stitches at the right hand corner)

Is amazing...I love it. As a clutzy, prone-to-mistakes human, I enjoy the fact that a mistake can be art, a mistake can be changed, a mistake can help make a better project. It makes life more interesting in my book.

Meltdown #1,205

So I had my obligatory semester meltdown today.

How do I describe it but hitting a brick wall.

Today was already emotional for the fact that I woke up at 4:50 a.m. not wanting to (who ever wants to wake up at 4:50 a.m.?), then remembering this is the last time I will because this is my last week at the library. I have been middle of the road about the job ending. I am not a morning person, but I love doing what I was doing. Sometimes I would get bored (I am too productive for my own good), but I still loved it. And so as I was thinking about this job ending, I start suddenly thinking numbers in my head. Oh crap. Oh boy. Wait. How am I going to afford living off just this one job? Wait...Stitches West is coming up...how am I going to afford the yarn and pay for my bills this month? Woah...not possible. So, that means I can't buy yarn. After a year (long, torturous, broken-twice) of not buying yarn, I can't even break the fast. Are. You. Kidding. Me?

So, was already sad. Then got even more sad as we had our department meeting and had to brainstorm of how to cut costs (Realization kicking in: people still don't understand that literacy is important and Government doesn't care about libraries/education). Then saying goodbye to great coworkers (they gave me a gift card to Borders). Then realizing, again, that I won't be coming back again while getting things ordered for my old supervisor to come back from leave.

Only sunny silver lining: my kids were so good. And I finally saw the moment information became knowledge. I love it. And they earned their cupcakes.

Then coming home to find an assignment due tonight (or yesterday...could never figure out the midnight deadline thing...is it tonight or was it due this morning when I was blissfully sleeping?). It was all my fault. I didn't look at my calendar. I didn't look closely to the class announcements (none of my professors really used it without using the email function as well). Luckily it was a quick assignment and after calming down I was able to get it done (although I feel like I am missing something)...but still.

Brick walls hurt.

But don't worry: I will straighten my nose (like I always do) and be okay. Just need to get the crazy out before I can get back to the scheduled programming.

Okay, done.

Knitting For Katherine website

 Hey all,

So, I have a very good friend (best friend, really) that is really sick. Because of stupid circumstances, she was having problems with getting treatment for her sickness. So I decided to try to help. All of the proceeds (and I mean all) go to my friend. So, check it out!

Also, if you are crafty and have anything that you feel you are ready to give up for a good cause, contact me. I will gladly take donations.


http://www.etsy.com/shop/knittingforkatherine

Stitches West and the Dreaded YD

Every February there is a knitting and yarn convention in Santa Clara. I was introduced to this amazing event about two years ago, and since then my yarn purchasing habits has revolved around this event. Now for those that do not know this event or have never been to this event, just imagine to yourself a huge warehouse (and I mean huge) filled to the maximum of your favorite things/hobbies/foods/etc. Imagine the joy: the pure, unadulterated, full-of-wonder joy that would fill your heart, stomach, body. It would be enough to explode, right?

Well...that's what Stitches West is for us knitters and fiber aficionados.

The rules about Stitches West (and there are rules...duh, it's a humongous convention center filled with yarn and knitting/crochet patterns) is that 1. you don't bring your credit card. Not even for emergencies because when you see a yarn that is absolutely to die for you will think it is an emergency to get that skein (ball) of yarn. And if you do have to bring a credit card, it better have the lowest limit possible ($50 or so). Because...you will be spending up to $500 at the end of it (what happened last year).

2. Bring your true friends. Don't think you will benefit from going by yourself or with acquaintences. Because your true friends will say, "Put that gorgeous purple yarn down...no...no, no, you have three more like that at home. PUT. IT. DOWN..." They will save you money and the dread of "Why the hell do I have all this purple yarn?"

3. Take a breath. Yes, I know, there are millions (I bet there are...come on, it gets majorly crowded at the Santa Clara Convention Center) of women milling around the aisles that may or may not steal that precious yarn that you have been coveting online for three months. But, it's okay. That's why vendors have more than just one.

4. And last, get there early. Doors open at 10 a.m. You better buy your ticket online two days before and camp out there at 9 a.m. Or, if you want to be first in line, at 7 a.m.

* * *

Last year I went yarn CRAZY. I bought not $100 dollars, not $200 dollars, but $500 dollars of yarn. I had to reorganize my stash baskets in order to squeeze all the yarn I bought into them. I am not fortunate to have a yarn room *cough cough I love you who do cough cough*. While reorganizing I realized that I had tons of yarn that I had bought at my first Stitches (so about two years ago thene). Looking at the pile of new yarn and the pile of old yarn I realized I need to stop buying and start knitting. So I put myself on a Yarn Diet (YD). No more buying yarn until the next Stitches West.

Well, with the exception of yarn bought as gifts and a sale that I could not pass up, I have successfully gotten through my yarn diet. And I had gotten through most of my old yarn. It was a huge task, but I did it! I got a lot of cardigans, socks, and other stuff made out of it. Some of them turned out to be absolutely yucky (I hate making sweaters...), and some turned out to be fabulous (I still love Blue Moon Fibers Socks that Rock...no matter how many skeins of them I went through this year).

Because of this perspective of what I bought two years ago, I decided that I should really reorganize my yarn stash baskets so I know how much room I have and to know what I do NOT need. I organized it so that stuff that I bought last year would be merged the older stuff. This is the result:

So...yeah...that's a lot of yarn. And that's just one basket. I have two other ones. Luckily one of the baskets is now a little empty, so now I can fill it up for Stitches West!

Well, and this year I will also be going to Stitches South in Atlanta, GA. So...I guess the YD continues...I think I can handle it.

I think...we'll see.

Following the Lists

It seems like 2011 is the year of the Lists. Every where I turn, I am making lists of things I want to make sure I do, things I don't want to do, acts I would like to continue, acts I don't want to continue. I made my list of resolutions or ideas at the beginning of the year, but now they keep growing. I like this feeling, but at the same time I want to make sure that I actually follow them rather than make them and then they fall to the waist-side.

I made a list on my whiteboard in my bathroom. The whiteboard is there to remind me of school and bill deadlines. Now it also holds a list of things to remember every day.

1. is "SAVE $". It is to remind me that I don't have to have everything. I have redone my wardrobe. It is good for now.

2. is "PEACE (peace sign)". It is to remind me that I need to find peace in everything. Not everything has to be such a big deal. Let it go. I need to remember that when I am starving and just want to sit down and eat.

3. is "BEAUTY (sparkly star image)". It is to remind me that I need to spend more time on my appearance because I AM beautiful. Ever since I was a kid I didn't spend time on my appearance because I never believed I was beautiful. I was surrounded by people that didn't believe I was at all pretty. So I never believed it myself. So I didn't do anything to my nails (sometimes I did...but it looked crappy and people loved to point it out), face (I didn't do it well in High School so for awhile I looked like a painted clown. Someone pointed it out and so I stopped), or really hair (bad haircuts...just bad haircuts). Now I am really going to do something for my appearance. Make sure to do my hair, paint my own nails (I still need to follow #1), and make sure to take care of other beauty needs (of course still making sure to follow #1).

4. is "SELF :)". It is to remind me to take time out of life to take care of myself. That makes more bubble baths with some new age music blasting. To read more fun books. To have weekends like this where I do absolutely nothing and so I have time to do errands that are for me.

and last but not least, "FRIENDS :) :)". It is to remind myself to still take time to appreciate the friends that I have. Take time out to spend time with all of them (whether it be group or single). Because I still have friends out there that I still consider friends but I don't see often. Even when they live 15 minutes again. I want to show my appreciation to them and that I still think of them as one of my friends. Also to remember that these were the people that stuck by me even when the shit was constantly hitting the fan. They stuck by through everything. I want to make sure I show them my gratitude.

So, that's one list. Another is not a list but really an emphasis of everything that has been listed before. I have decided that I am going to only go grocery shopping once a month and that I am only allowed to buy $100.00. I was able to do it in college, and I think I can still do it now. Now the reason why I put a time limit is because it seemed like I was going to Trader Joe's once to three times a week. Those visits started to add up money wise. And, really, a lot of the stuff I would buy ended up being thrown away because they would go bad. Now that I have this time restraint, I buy only the essentials. And with these, I tend to buy enough that I can stretch them out. For instance, I bought a carton of raspberries that I divided them up into packages of around 11 berries (8 packages). Four are in the refrigerator. Four are in the freezer. So that way I will not feel the need to go to Trader Joe's if I run out (and they won't go bad because I plan to eat them with my greek yoghurt once a day).

In relation to grocery shopping, I am determined that I will not eat a lot of processed foods. I will also try not to eat out too much. Now, I am not going to be too strict about that. Of course, I can't help it when I am out with friends or with my parents (just tonight we spent all night trying to find a place to eat out). But I can help it when I am alone. It's not fast food that I have a problem with (I haven't had fast food in a long time...excluding In 'N Out. I am talking McDonald's, Carl's Jr., etc.). It's the fact that when I do eat alone by myself I don't eat fast food. I eat the slightly more pricey food. If I am going to save, might as well cut that out. And the avoiding processed food is a given. As I told my dad, I don't want to be so preserved that I am 110 years old and I just want to die because I am lonely. I want to die a good ripe age of 80 without the help of preservatives. Again, I understand that some foods are going to have preservatives. But I can at least cut out most of them. For instance, when I used to bring lunch into work I would eat the Lean Cuisines and Healthy Choice meals. Those are good calorie wise, but think of all the weird chemicals they put in there to make them low calorie. I would rather have middle calorie intake and know what is going into my food. So lately I have been bringing lunch with food that can carry. Like burritos that I make on the spot or turkey burgers (burgers that I put together, grilled and froze in the freezer). This time around I went even further and bought sweet potatoes (already cut into spears) and made my own sweet potato fries and froze for my future lunch. Because sometimes I don't even trust the frozen packages they have at Trader Joe's.

Of course, I am not going to be strict. If I slip and buy a package of frozen sweet potatoes I am not going to make a massive scene (picture: wailing, a kimono, and a white mask streaked with tears). This is just me wanting to feel better about my food choices. This comes down to two desires: 1. save money and 2. to stop being an over-eater. Now, I know #1 would be easier with a full time job and #2 will never happen. But I can try, right? I can at least make it a habit to want to eat better foods and not crave fatty, carbo-filled, chocolate-covered, massive amounts of preservatives that fill my waking dreams. Right? I think so.

Don't worry, my friends. I will not be moving to a farm and asking you to call me Rainbow. Yet. ;)

Get the Back Up

The weekend after New Year's, my sister and I went skiing. I haven't skiied much since last year, but I was confident that I would still be warmed up to do all right for that weekend. Well other than my muscles hurting, I was doing just fine. I was going down the mountain with ease.

Until that late afternoon. What used to be wonderful powder was now becoming slippery ice and as I was going down one run I was surprised by one icy patch. What ensued was a comical roll down the hill that involved losing my glasses, goggles, hat, and one ski. When I was younger this type of wipeout would involve a sad rendition of a spoiled little brat with tears. This time, I looked with blurred eyes up the mountain and attempted to climb that mountain until I had all my possessions in hand. Even as I continued to slide down the hill, I would just get back up and climb again.

As I was attempting this foolhardy mission, I just kept thinking how this could be a metaphor for life. So you failed. Just get back up. So you wiped out on a random patch of "ice" and rolled down the hill. You can still get back up and collect yourself. You may be a little sore, but you are still alive.

In Life, I have always been afraid of failing in my decisions. But I have slowly been accepting that it's ok to fail. As in skiing, I can get back up and move on. It's a great feeling knowing that failing is not always a bad thing.

On that note, I should accept that in my cooking as well. I have been failing in my cooking times so that the food I have been cooking is undercooked. I have been reacting how I used to (blaming other things, factors, etc). But I need to realize 1.) thicker slabs of meat will need more time and 2.) it's ok to fail in cooking. Just make note of it and move on. At least this time it's not the flavor but cooking time.

So, just like with skiing, I just need to get the back up and regain composure. It's ok to fall down.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

This Year

With everything that has happened this past year, I decided I was going to make a list of things for 2011.

1. These adjectives will not be allowed towards me: stupid, lazy, selfish, fat, ugly

2. Nor will the phrase that states I need to think will be permitted to be uttered in my presence without my being able to then defend myself with either sharp words or a huge "I Quit" sign.

3. Also, I will not let people tell me how I think, feel, or should do. I am not a doll. I actually have a brain that knows what to do. I have let people make my own decisions or tell me who I am and that's not right. I can make my own decisions now.

4. I will continue to work on the friendships that matter and let the ones that are toxic to fall away. I have done enough work on them.

5. I will continue to work on my self esteem and body image. I am beautiful, and I don't need to worry about my weight. I would rather be healthy than skinny.

6. No more colds for 2011!

7. Save more, spend less.

8. Have fun! Get schoolwork done in the process.

9. Read more. My poor books have not been loved this year. :(

10. Do more stuff by myself: going to movies, etc. Be ok to spend more me time in public.

I don't think these are resolutions...just guidelines. :) Let's see how it goes!

The Follow Up

Now that everything has calmed down, I should really explain my last post. Also to give an actual update in my life in general! I know I have not been the biggest poster lately.

Okay, what did you quit?

I quit my job. The one that I have had for 2.5 years that has drained, chewed, annihilated my soul to the point where it is hurting my body. After getting a bad cold three months in a row, going to the doctor (that cost me $132) because of inflammation in my chest wall, and having tiny nervous breakdowns in the bathroom (I tried meditating...it didn't work) I finally decided I could not wait until I graduated to quit. After bugging my poor friend until she finally said, "Just shut up and quit already!", I decided that it was finally time.

Now, the thought process on this was a quick and successive one. First, I was going to leave once I got a new job. Then, when things started to get worse, I decided I was going to quit after the holidays no ifs ands or buts. Lastly, when my boss decided to tell me that I needed to think before I prepared my documents (she's done this before), I decided to quit that day. I had to calm down before I could do it (I didn't want staplers flying in the direction of my boss...that would have been messy), but I did it. I was still shaky while doing it, and I think I will always be shaky when thinking that I am going to leave the one place I have known for two and a half years. I know, it sounds ridiculous because it still seems so short. But this was the longest I had been in a job. I think the reason why I stayed so long was because of the fact that I didn't want to be seen as one that always was unhappy. I wanted to prove paper-wise that I was a good worker that stays and does the job right. But the situation could not warrant me the ability to stay much longer. When I went to the doctor she kept saying that all of this is caused by stress.

Now, Kaiser loves to emphasize certain things: obesity, stress, eat right, etc. So when the doctor kept saying it was stress I rolled my eyes silently and went on my merry way. But looking back, it really is stress. Now, I haven't been sick for two and a half years. I think what helped was that I used to sit in an area filled with happier people. Before we moved, I used to sit with people that 1. liked me and 2. would talk to me about things other than work. As we worked we would talk about life, opinions, what's going on. We would share pictures, life stories, etc. We would complain a little: about clients, some of what my boss would do, and stuff that we had to do. But then we would get back to happier things because it was easier to let the crappy stuff roll away for happier things.

But when we moved three months ago, I was forced to sit in a cubicle with a new coworker of mine that 1. did not like me and made sure I knew it and 2. was never happy. Everything was a horrible thing. My boss was terrible. Why did she do this? Why did I do this? Everything was doom and gloom. And don't get me started on the talking/swearing to herself bit. Basically I worked with a pissy parrot that either threw its feces at you or smiled as it did it. I started really dreading coming into work because I would be greated by a grunt and a growl every morning. If I was lucky. The people that I used to work with? Divided by a huge brown wall. I think we all get the picture.

So, it was time. It was either really complain to my boss (who was starting to get into her really foul mood that wouldn't involve good communication) and see if I could try to be moved, or quit. Since I am going to graduate soon and should be getting more library experience, I decided to quit.

The Future!

I wasn't taking too much of a risk. I also am doing a part time temporary job at my old internship at San Mateo County Library, so I would still have that income while I looked for a job. And I was able to find another job really quickly as well. In January I will be starting a part time job as a Center Instructor through Sylvan Learning Center. It is also temporary (lasting until March or May), but this will help pad my resume with more teaching/tutoring skills which is what I need.

You see, I finally decided that I would love to be a Reference and Instruction Librarian at an academic library either at a university/college or community college. I prefer community college though because it is smaller, better pay, and probably has more of the demographics that I would like to work with. I am learning that I love literacy. I love teaching it. I love talking about it. When I had interviewed for my internship I was just BS'ing my way through it. I was more interested in getting any sort of internship, really. And when I got it I kept thinking, "Should I really take this? It is all way in East Palo Alto ("EPA") and I'm not that interested in literacy..." But I took it because something told me that it would lead somewhere. Also, I was interested in teaching. To be honest, I have always been interested in teaching. I have been told though that I don't have the patience. And maybe sometimes I can be a little cross when people don't get what I am teaching. So with this knowledge I was never sure that I could be a teacher. When I got the internship what got me to say yes was the fact that I wanted to see if I would like it or if I could do it. Now I know I do like it and I can do it. And it is not just me that believes it, my peers believe it too. My supervisors and coworkers have all come up to me saying that I do an amazing job. And it must have been true because here I am again helping out while my supervisor is on maternity leave.

So, that's why I took a temporary job rather than wait out for a permanent one. I need more experience, and if I can get it in a job that will carry me through a few months than shoot why not? Better than being in a permanent job like my last one where all I can think of is, "How is this going to help me in the end?" In the end, I am jumping for the right reasons. I feel like for awhile I was jumping or staying for all the wrong reasons. Now it is all for the right reasons and I am immensely happy.

Okay, I'm bored now. What else are you doing?
Nothing, really. My personal life has become my job. School is finished with passing grades (A and A-...yippee!), and my dating life is very stagnant. I am too busy! You try dating with two jobs and school! If you can pull it off while being able to sleep, let me know! That's the one thing that I miss immensely: sleeping. Okay, I know that I don't have kids and that imagine it being 10 times harder, but this has been the busiest I have ever been. If I do have kids, I will probably change my mind. But for now, I am tired and would like to hide in a hole. I have been running around it seems for a long while now, especially in December. Now, I have had some fun in there too so I have sacrificed my sleep for fun. But that's why I think a cave would be great. I love my friends and I am so happy that through all this I have them to lean on and help me look at better things in life. But I think I need some time for myself that involves a lot of knitting, movies, and things that are called pajamas. And maybe some Amie love time because I know he has not been happy with me about leaving him alone all this month. I try to spend time with him, but not enough to satisfy his needy ego.

The Year in Review
Good things, bad things, I jumped out of a plane without dying and crapping my pants, still working on future, finally ending it with such a huge jump I think I will crap my pants but probably just hyperventilate and know it is a good thing. And, it seems, beginning and ending it with Disneyland.

The End. :-D

Iquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquit...


I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...I'm done. So long. See ya. I'm finished being called stupid, whydon'tithinkyousillylittlegirl.

Done. I quit. I would rather be happy and flat broke than this nonsense.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. Don't think I will stay awhile. I may be nice to you, but don't think I will put up with your shit. Nope. No more. My poor tongue has been bitten so many times it needs a band-aid and stitches.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. F you.

*done ranting*

THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WON!!!

According to Wikipedia, the San Francisco Giants have not won the World Series since 1954 when they were the New York Giants.

That has all changed, baby!!!! They won against the Texas Rangers to finally win! They almost made it in 2002, but I believe egos got the best of them. This team of misfits and freaks finally proved to people that this game is not all about who gets the most home runs or who does the best in everything. It is about hard work and dedication. Also, it is the team that wins; it is not the individual. Every single team member won that game today, my friends.

Now, people will think that I am a local who is just crowing because her local team won. People who know me though know that I am not that at all. I started watching when they entered into the World Series in 2002. I was sad that they lost, but was determined that they would next year. Every season I kept watching and kept getting disappointed. But I still was a fan. I fought for them. I went to games and rallied for them. One of my best friends (an Oakland A's fan) and I would get into fun fights over who is best. I have two jerseys and a sweater pronouncing my love for the Giants.

So, there. I have deserved this honor to FINALLY see them win (although, technically I didn't get to see them...I was stuck at my computer doing school...baaaaahhhh. But I say the best part!). So...booyah, bitches. Booyah!

And, to end this marvelous post:

"Eat Pray Love"

When I first read "Eat Pray Love", it was during a time in my life when things just didn't make sense for me. I had been struggling for three years to get my footing after college, and I was realizing that what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted. I had thought I was taking a chance, but actually I was going down the road that others had wanted for me. So when I read this book, it opened up my eyes to ideas and thoughts that I never thought I could have before. I took out of it the idea of risking everything to find wholeness. After I read that book, I was inspired to find myself as well through risking everything and doing my own path. I quit the job that I absolutely hated. I applied for the Library and Information Science graduate course. I risked everything in order to find my true self.

Well, the movie just came out. I wasn't as excited to see the movie because I don't trust Hollywood when it comes to book adaptations. I was willing to give the movie a try. Not many people wanted to see it with me, so on Sunday I went to my local theater and had a "me" date.

I didn't realize how moved I could be by that movie. It struck a chord that I didn't realize was inside of me. It also brought a lot of emotions up to the surface that I had been trying to keep deep inside me. So I have decided to read it again. But I am reading it in a whole different angle. It is helping with my heartbreak. Helping me open my eyes about my latest relationship and just really helping me bring closure to it all. But I wasn't ready to have this flood of emotion come over me just yet. A lot of anger and bitterness that I had been trying to keep at bay. I am trying not to dwell on it and let it pass, but it has been hard this week. But I am moving forward, letting the emotions ride and then hopefully fall away.

I am also trying to face it with a healthy attitude instead of how I was before. I was realizing that I was trying to not deal with it all with wine, so I am trying not to drink as much wine as I was before. I don't believe I am an alcoholics (they go to meetings), but I do believe I was dealing with everything with an unhealthy attitude. I think the movie and the book is helping me finally come to terms with everything I was trying to hide and bury inside of me.

It is still going to be a rough battle. Although it is helpful to read the book again and find inspiration again, I am still working it all out. But I am confident now that everything will be all right.

Yes, that's right. Everything will be all right.