and so it begins...

Spring is here. I am sneezing like mad, and going nuts because the flower are so gorgeous and I can only produce mucus to show my pleasure.

Spring tends to also kill my ability to think straight (ha ha ha, yeah, I know) about anything. All day today I day dreamed about the most fantastical things. I mean, forget the soap operas, I dreamed up my own juicy stories! Of course, it helped that we were slow today. Once the flowers bloom and the sun starts to shine through the dense clouds, my imagination starts to overwork and create imaginary feelings or secret wantings. I am trying to monitor it and make sure that I don't go overboard with my imagination. But it feels so good to get that little sensory back in my life. It has been dead lately, and I have been missing that pure adrenaline when the clouds seem to surround my peripherals.


And then there is Summer. Where I have known to lose all inhibition and start taking off clothes out of desire and pure hatred of sweaty garments. That does not involve imagination but pure action. I have been known to lose a many of things during this time of year, especially when my hormones started to come in at fifteen. I tend to stay indoors because of this.

My mantra for this year: I do not need society's idea of happiness. I do not need society's idea of happiness. I am fulfilled in many ways without a partner in my life, and that is how it will stay. Some people say that is just giving up and not letting life in; I say it is accepting something that has been the hardest to accept. My fear of being alone has encompassed my life since I realized the existence of romantic love. After years of thinking that I was too ugly for people, too annoying for people, or just too something (fill in the blank), I am happy just saying that I am good enough for me.

It feels so fucking good. Just tell that to my over-working imagination and sensory-driven/passion-wanting mind.

And so I heal it all with some Amie love and The Office. Oh yeah.

Meet Amie

He has become the love of my life. Forget any others; I have found him!

He's blue, feathery all over, and a character! But he does tend to be overly anxious, so we will teach him otherwise. He loves Amadeus Mozart (and anything classy), but can rock it with Queen. And, most of all, he knows how to keep a clean cage!


Isn't he a cutie!!!!! Love him.

Perfection

Someday I will not want perfection. Someday I will not run my matches through my high standards of want. Someday I will actually like a woman that is good for me and actually likes me.

Yeah, sure. And I will suddenly have my hair change a bright orange and blue with spots without my help.

I know this is the usual thing with dating, but it seems like it is my personal journey. I know, how arrogant of me. But it seems like I either settle down and just date the ones that don't excite me, or I run after the ones that are horribly bad for me. Even when I am specifically dating women, I do the same thing. It's this personality trait that I can't seem to shake. I would like it to just change and I actually am attracted to the good people.

I'm in this situation that I know how to handle, but I hate it. I had a nice date with one of the ladies I mentioned earlier. It was nice, and she was great and drove an hour and twenty minutes to see me. She is warm, and seems like she and I could get along great. But there was no spark. I didn't cringe when I met her, but I didn't feel anything physical coming from my gut. I felt like I was talking with a friend instead of a potential date. I've been trying not to overanalyze, but it is hard. I want to do what I normally do and just try another date. But my gut and heart is telling me, "No, don't do it. You did it once before, and you hurt people."

Sometimes I wonder if I psyche myself to feel this way. I wasn't as excited to meet her because I felt from the emails that I would feel this way. I just wanted to see how we acted in person because you could feel different in person. But I felt the same way in person. I felt like she was cool, but no desire to jump her. Now, I know a good relationship starts with friendship...but shouldn't you feel at least like it is a possibility? Shouldn't you want to say, "Huh, she's nice looking..."?

In the end, I am looking for perfection. And that really startles me because she and I touched that in our date. She and I were talking about my dating record, and she asked me why I never got involved with a woman. I said, "I'm picky. I am looking for perfection." And she said, "Are you still?" And I paused and then lied. But I will always look for perfection. Maybe that's a path that will never succeed, but ah well. I want someone to be great personality wise and physical wise. I want to be able to say, "You're cute" and also be able to be inspired by her personality.

I know. I am doomed. I just don't want to be with someone. And maybe that's the thing; maybe I am hiding from something. Or maybe I just suck at dating. That's just who I am. I have tried to change, but it's hard. Maybe I can, or maybe I will stuck in singlehood for the rest of my life. I think I am fine with that though. Until Christmas and Valentine's Day comes around, and I will be curmudgeonly. But that's just how life is, and I will accept it in the end.

I know. I am doomed.

Jai Ho! And other miscellaneous items...

According to Wikipedia: "...[Jai Ho] means "Freedom to Thee". It can also mean 'Praise', 'Hail' or 'Hallelujah'. When translated directly into hindi, 'jai' means 'prayer' or 'pray.' 'Jai ho' is usually said collectively during and at the end of prayers... A.R. Rahman [has] stated [at a performance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show"] "Jai Ho" means 'May Victory be Yours'."

Although I love the song for its optimistic beat and encouraging lyrics, if I hear another princessy, "I Love Anime and other foreign pop culture" little girl say when I say "Jai Ho", "Oh my god, I love that song!" I will seriously hit them over the head and tell them to get a fucking clue.

Reason why I am saying Jai Ho: I have been ranked #5 in the Library Page competition, I mean, job. Now, I thought that was pretty awesome! I mean, shoot, I'm number five in a 800 number candidate list! But then I was warned that there are multiple people in one ranking. So, I'm not as optimistic about it all. There could be a hundred people in the number one ranking. There could be ten people in front of me in the fifth ranking. So, yes, I am happy that I got a pretty good score. But not optimistic that I will be called in next week for an instant-hire interview.

Work:

I have been taking up more shifts at work this past week because my supervisor is on vacation until next Thursday. Now, that's great for me because I got a raise recently and now I have a few more hours to incure more money. But it has definitely been exhausting. I forgot how it was to wake up every morning at the same time, and going home to have to do it again. My body loves to be lazy, but I am definitely going to whip it into shape. I mean, come on, I will be going to school and going to work! It will have to get used to be tired.

What has been irritating me this past week though is the fact that my work sharing partner just doesn't have the same work ethic as me. It's something that I am trying to reconcile my brain to understand that not everyone can be the same as me. My work ethic is that I come in and do the best that I can, and if my boss needs me I am always there to help out. Like in this case, I am willing to sacrifice my days off to come in all day to help out and do Jasmin's work. My work sharing partner isn't like that. She comes in irregularly, or doesn't come in at all. And so I have had to be Jazznifer (combination of Jasmin's job and my job), and that has added to my exhaustion. Now, I could just not do Jasmin's job. But my boss wouldn't let me do that. She gives me both job's work because the other Jennifer isn't there. But that is just life. I chose to come in on my days off and take care of everything. I chose to earn extra money. The other Jennifer chose not to. I've been irritated that this has happened, but I am trying to reconcile that we have free will and that she chose to not give a good gosh darn about the office and choose to do whatever the hell she wants. I wish I could do that. Maybe that's why I am irritated: my brain just won't let me do that. If I did, I would start to feel guilt and start to think that I am not a good worker.

But then again, because of this work ethic, I got a raise. I got recognition. So, that means something, right? Maybe I shouldn't be envious of her work ethic because one doesn't get rewarded for that type of work?

Or maybe not.

On my love life:

I have heard some have wanted an update on my love life. Well, it's been pretty stagnant lately. I was supposed to have a first date with one woman last Sunday, but it was cancelled because she had unexpected plans the day before. We haven't rescheduled. I have been debating whether I should text/call her to see if she would like to reschedule, but I also know that the ball is really in her court. She is more busy than me because of school, so I don't want to come off as somewhat needy. So, we will see. If I don't hear back from her in the next two weeks, I will contact her and see.

I do have a first date with another woman next Saturday. It's just a coffee date, and I am not expecting much. We've been corresponding through email for some months, and finally decided to meet. The thing is she lives further away (San Jose/Monterey area), and we don't have a lot in common. We have some, but maybe not enough to build anything from it. But we will see. The thing is, she sent me an email right before I started getting really busy at work. Now, when I get really busy at work, I have no desire to turn on my computer. And although my phone has the capacity to write an email back, I don't like to write long emails (which is what she and I tend to do in emails) on my phone. So, I didn't write to her for almost a week. I sent her an email, but she hasn't sent one back. It could be she's really busy as well, so I'm not that worried. But it could be that she didn't particularly like the fact that I didn't respond as quickly as I used to. But ah well.

Other then that, my love life has been the usual nothing-is-happening. Maybe it's because I've been pretty busy with work (and possible jobs) and starting school, but I just haven't had the desire to date. Is that weird? I'll go through periods where I would definitely like to be in a partnership, but then I'll slowly just not care and like being single. It's like a mood swing.

Other:

I decided to not count for the past week and a half. It's really hard to count points when you have birthdays upon birthdays and then try to compile lunch for the busy day. I am going to start counting this Monday, but it feels good to just be free. I haven't gone too crazy. I've been keeping to small portions, just not caring about whether it is low calorie or not. Although I did go on a baking fringe. And I had Val's (great burger joint) last night. But I didn't eat fried fish when my parent's wanted fish and chips (I had Teriyaki shrimp instead). And when I ate fried chicken last Sunday, I felt absolutely sick (hence why I didn't eat fried fish the next time). I used to think that I wouldn't be able to stop eating fried foods. Now I just can't possibly think about it or I will get sick.

Stupid Weight Watchers. You ruined my joy of fried foods. But you will never ruin my love for chocolate! And peanut butter!

Which, reminds me, I found a great low fat peanut butter spread. Called Better N' Peanut Butter, and it tastes really good. It has that good smokey flavor that you miss out on Jiffy and Skippy (I always taste the sugar in those...), and it makes a great Peanut Butter sandwich. It was recommended by Hungry Girl, and Trader Joe's provides it. That makes it a good find to me. If I can find it at Trader Joe's rather then Safeway, it means it's a great find.

That's about it. I've been really stir crazy lately, so I've been rearranging my room. I would like the free space to go to a bird or some other cool pet, but I don't see that in the near future. Although I take care of my responsibilities and didn't kill their fish, my parents still won't let me bring in a nice, furry(or feathery) friend. Some day. Some day...

In order to feel human, I must overgratify myself.
In order to feel normal, I must become intoxicated and let it overlow.

Hello, I am Jennifer

I have a problem when it comes to food. I have been denying it for a long time. I just stress ate. That's all. I can control it when I want to. When I want to, I can control my urges quite nicely.

But that's the problem when you are a stress eater. How can you control something that is controlled by an impulse? How can you say, "I don't need that donut" when all you can think of is how that donut will feel in your belly, calming that roil and toil of your stomach?

What I am finding that when I am stressed, I eat. And I don't eat just one thing. I eat the whole entire box and then some. I will eat a whole entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I am not talking about the mini ass things; I am talking about a whole entire cup. In a medium sized bag. Think of those Halloween packs. I can eat that all day. I can also eat a humongous red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. I can also eat fried foods. I can also eat a double double with cheese and an extra side of fries. Oh, don't forget the Neapolitan milkshake. And that's just breakfast.

The past few weeks I have been finding those demons that want all that. And I have been letting them talk. Hard. I haven't counted points every other day, sometimes more. On the days I stopped counting, I would eat Indian food (good, but lots of cream), chips, wine (lots and lots of wine), and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Today I hit hard. I just let go. I ate my good breakfast. And I ate my low fat string cheese, apple slices, and my Boca burger. But then as the stress heightened, I ate those donuts. I ate that cheesecake. I ate that fried fish with french fries. I am only allowed 22 points a day. I ate 38.5. And that's because I only said I ate one donut. And I thought, "What happened to self control?" My co-workers are always amazed when I will say no to donuts and In N Out and McDonalds. But they don't see how hard I want to say, "Yes." And I get so resentful of the fact that I can't have what I want.

So, it implodes into this huge massive binge that creates guilt and frustration. I've been trying to have a healthy aspect with food, but I am finding it is extremely hard when I am stressed. My therapist had taught me a breathing exercise a long time, but let me tell you it is hard to breathe when you have a lawyer breathing down your neck. Of course, that's how it is everywhere in the world. So I have been trying to breathe. Just breathe. I will go into the copy room and just try to relax my brain. Let the flow of the copier just egg away the heightened blood pressure. But then someone is waiting for me to finish, and I have Mary always asking me a question.

Then I try eating lunch. I can't go anywhere, so I try the best that I can. I clear my desk completely. I will answer work questions, but I will not work at all. I will eat the food and just think of nothing. And I relax. I don't need that donut. I don't need that cookie. I don't need chocolate at all. It lasts only ten minutes though; I am back in front of the computer trying so hard not to cry whenever my pile keeps piling up, more and more.

I know that everyone slips up on their diets. I know that I am human and can only take so much. But I was doing so good. Then I slipped. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't a humongous deal. It was a little tiny slip that lasted for two weeks. I just can't stop thinking that it will become even more. I am so scared to go back to that area in my mind. So I am trying to admit that this is not just a slip. That this is a continuous problem that I need to figure out how to fix. There are some ideas that I plan to use. But for now I can only admit this:

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I am an Overeater. I have had this eating disorder so long that I can't remember not having it. I have tried solving it by starving myself or throwing up with no avail. But now I am here; hoping to find some sort of salvation for this.

I'll Rest When I Am Dead

Which, I hope, will be another 60 years from now.

I can only say that my quarter century celebration was fabulous. I don't think I could have it any other way.

And there is definitely more to come.

Here is some fun stuff to think of when you think of my birthday:


I was so happy. And it was before noon on a Saturday with some caffiene in me (but not a usual bowl). It must be a miracle! Notice the button...because of that button I got more "Happy Birthdays" then I think I ever had in my 25 years of livin'!

I'm going to now ice my feet because it is still hurtin' and it's been a day!