Don't ever let me drink appletinis ever again. Especially in a fun drag queen bar and restaurant. Or let me drink shots that have the words "purple" or "hooter" in it.

The memories are slowly coming back to me. And my face is now permanently red. It will be like that for maybe three months now.

I feel soooo stupid right now. I tried to do some henna therapy for my hair to add some shine and color (red in sunshine, ahhhh!), but of course, something happened! I kept saying, "Why isn't it becoming liquid???" I made a mess of the kitchen, was almost in tears.

Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.

I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.

I really want to eat.

I miss being close to someone. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way. It used to be okay to have best friends, to have someone so close to you that it was hard to imagine a life without that person. When you are young, you don't have to worry about these things called boundaries and rules and regulations. You were just someone's friend, and you were so close that you can read their minds sometimes.

I miss that.

As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.

Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.

But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.

And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.

But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.

It just gets damn lonely sometimes.

Obviously,
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.

Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.

The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.

While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.

Religious Fanaticism?

Life is good. I've been working full time since the end of May, so I haven't had too much time for myself. Our office has been crazy busy too. This week was supposed to be a normal week for me, but we were swamped with paperwork that I came in to help the other Jennifer catch up. But starting next week the Jasmin is going on vacation (again), so I will be taking over til she comes back. And then my boss is leaving for vacation, so I will be taking over that desk (well, not literally...not a lawyer) to keep up. She is supposed to be back the second week of July. Then...I get to go on vacation! Our office is hilarious in the fact that we all piggy-backed on each other's vacations. It started with the other Jennifer from Memorial Day til this Monday, then Jasmin for the two weeks, then Mary for another two weeks, then me for a week! Although I complain (I am who I am), I do enjoy my job. We've been crazy busy, but I feel so much better after this job then any of my other jobs. I respect my co-workers, and I know that Mary would never try to cheat me.

School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.

Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.

I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.

And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.

And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.

And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."

That's pretty eeire to me.

Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.

I Want to Break Free...

After many, many days of the inability to sleep, concentrate, do anything, I have finally broken free of it all and got a good amount of sleep, yoga, and concentration of thoughts.

I had told a friend two weeks ago that I had finally felt free. Like a burden has lifted off my shoulder and I can finally feel free to breathe, live, etc. And it is still true, but some times there are residual demons that haunt me randomly. Especially when I proclaim said freedom. That is what happened this time.

I think it was the time of year combined with the fact that I have been going nowhere with my love life added with a big decision that I don't want to try anymore. (Yes. Yes. I know. Don't quit. Don't give up. Love will happen. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please accept the fact that I want to quit and will. Let's get past that fact.) In a way, my decision was breaking my heart and dreams. Add to the fact that I am surrounded by the lovey dovey feelings with the my body feeling the natural tugs and pulls of Mother Earth and her need to procreate. So it would be normal to get down and not be able to sleep. Thoughts were starting to permeate my brain, and start adding fodder to my imagination. So, no sleep. I wasn't confused, but I was just getting sad by all the realizations that were hitting me head on all at once.

What helped? Writing. Since Netflix was down (and I couldn't watch my precious The Office episodes...maybe one of the small factors of why I didn't get much sleep), I decided to sit down and write all these thoughts out on paper. That's why I keep my diary because there are just times when I need that soundboard. I know that I have my friends to talk to, but it is different. This sounds harsh, but I need to be able to talk/write without anyone interrupting me with advice and addages. I'm the type of person that talks to herself sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I am truly talking to myself and people would take me to an asylum if they saw me. This is how I process. I got it from my mom (she tends to talk under her breath when she's working...or gardening...or just walking). In order to not be put in an asylum, I write in my diary about my thoughts. I process it all, and I just let it all out. It's like free writing, but without coming up with an amazing story. I instead figure out what is going on in my weird brain of mine. And that is what happened with me last night. I got out all of those thoughts that I was having, and just put them to words and let them air out. I truly believe that thoughts tend to get moist and start to grow mold in the brain, so they need to get aired out and become free from the restraints. These thoughts were starting to build up a castle until I aired them out.

And so I broke free from everything. I feel at peace with my decisions. I know it is for the best, and my heart is mending from it all.

I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. I'm noticing this trend of wanting to break free, or just wanting to be free to make decisions. Of course, one must know Freddie Mercury's history to understand why this trend (he was a closeted bisexual man who died of AIDS), but it also spurred me on. It reminded me so much of when I was in the closet, and when I broke free it felt so good. And now, in a way, I am breaking free but in a different sense. I am breaking free from the damaging dreams that I had in my head, and it feels really good to not have that pressure. In a way, I am like Freddie Mercury (without the AIDS): I want to break free, and I have.

and so it begins...

Spring is here. I am sneezing like mad, and going nuts because the flower are so gorgeous and I can only produce mucus to show my pleasure.

Spring tends to also kill my ability to think straight (ha ha ha, yeah, I know) about anything. All day today I day dreamed about the most fantastical things. I mean, forget the soap operas, I dreamed up my own juicy stories! Of course, it helped that we were slow today. Once the flowers bloom and the sun starts to shine through the dense clouds, my imagination starts to overwork and create imaginary feelings or secret wantings. I am trying to monitor it and make sure that I don't go overboard with my imagination. But it feels so good to get that little sensory back in my life. It has been dead lately, and I have been missing that pure adrenaline when the clouds seem to surround my peripherals.


And then there is Summer. Where I have known to lose all inhibition and start taking off clothes out of desire and pure hatred of sweaty garments. That does not involve imagination but pure action. I have been known to lose a many of things during this time of year, especially when my hormones started to come in at fifteen. I tend to stay indoors because of this.

My mantra for this year: I do not need society's idea of happiness. I do not need society's idea of happiness. I am fulfilled in many ways without a partner in my life, and that is how it will stay. Some people say that is just giving up and not letting life in; I say it is accepting something that has been the hardest to accept. My fear of being alone has encompassed my life since I realized the existence of romantic love. After years of thinking that I was too ugly for people, too annoying for people, or just too something (fill in the blank), I am happy just saying that I am good enough for me.

It feels so fucking good. Just tell that to my over-working imagination and sensory-driven/passion-wanting mind.

And so I heal it all with some Amie love and The Office. Oh yeah.