Rumblings and Tumblings

Some workdays I feel happy at the end of the day that I 1.) earned an honest buck, 2.) enjoyed 7.5 hours with amazing women and 3.) got to show off my mad legal skills.

Some workdays I find myself in a curled ball and a tight knot in my chest wanting to just get my library degree so I can finally get out of this legal hell hole. Or become a full time student who traffics body/cocaine/people to pay for the bills. Ah, but then that means I will go to jail. Prefer not to.

There are times when I find myself letting go of the worries/frets/concerns and just letting it float, float, float into the outer space. Finally relaxing and becoming one with the feeling of that intangible being called happiness.

Then I remember that it can be taken away just like that and I am afraid I become one, instead, with the worries/frets/concerns.

I build a wall around my heart because it has been torn a little. Broken in little bits, then put together by cheap-ass glue. Then broken again, again, again. With every promise comes the let down walls then the quick retrieval up because the promises became empty words. I am scared this will happen again.

So although I feel so safe. Secure. Happy with this moment and time and place. I can not break the wall. I can not let it fall again to then reconstruct it with each tear. Not until the promise becomes solid words. Solid phrases, sentences, paragraphs.

I'll just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

The Strength of Anger

I have been feeling a lot of anger towards my job lately. Maybe because I realize I overstayed my welcome there. Well, more like I feel way too comfortable there. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I find another one that is more suitable to where I am going. A year and a few months later I find myself ensconced in the infrastructure and no way out. Well, I always have a way out, but that would mean another financial dip. I can't do that again.

I got comfortable because I had to adopt this mentality of "I don't care". If I cared, I would be stressed, tired, and just not happy. I wanted to just be happy and worry about the ramifications of it all later. In my mind, I was going to school and this wasn't the time to be picky when it came to income acquirement. I had my school, that's all that mattered.

But lately, I have been wanting to have more fulfillment in my job. It doesn't help that I have been told that I need to start networking in the library world, and that many people have the upper hand when they work at a library already. Great. Thanks. I tried! But they hired other people that probably don't care about the library institution. I thought I could go back to volunteering at the Castro Valley Library, but I realize that that is going to be hard to fit in my schedule. I am starting to look at internships and opening my mind more about volunteering again. It would be nice though if Destiny/Higher Being could help me out a little bit and give a branch. But, I know in the end I have to at least put the effort out there.

But even with all this effort, I still feel so angry. I thought I was going to be done with the stupidity of law. I really thought I would have been out by now. Circumstances just developed otherwise, and I am trying to put on a happy face and realize that this may have to be my reality until I finish school.

It's just incredibly hard. Especially when lately I either am told that I am not doing my job right (even though, I am the one who is doing it right and my work-sharing partner is the idiot) or I am doing my job and my supervisors. I also feel like I am being punished for putting my foot down and saying that I will not come in on my days off unless it is at least a Thursday. This is my second semester of my first year, and I have a feeling that it is going to be difficult. I am looking at all my syllubi and I know that I will need a lot more time put aside for school. And, I hate to admit it, dating does take up some of my time as well as being able to spend time with my friends. And, in the end, my job is not a priority. I hate to say it, but it isn't. It's not my life. In the end, it is probably at the bottom of my list. I am always willing to help, but not at the expense of my school, family, friends, and etc. It's a thing that gives me the money so I can pay for my stuff. So, I put my foot down this time and said, "I can not come in on Tuesdays. I can try to do Thursdays, but not on Tuesdays." I made it an absolute. It seemed like my boss was okay with that, but now I can see she is punishing me. All of today I was running around with what I term as "busy" work. The things she pulled out of her butt on Saturday that she thought of randomly. Some of it are things that should be put in my inbox, but others are things that should have been put in my supervisor's box. I had to review my own motions because my supervisor was too "busy". Come on. And when I came to say goodbye, she looked at me and said, "So, is it okay?" (i.e. do you need to come in? Should I make you work???) and I said, "No, it's manageable. I was able to get everything done." And she looked shocked. Heaven forbid I actually do work!

But, the thing is the reason why we have been so "busy" is because my work sharing partner sits on her butt on her days in and texts non stop and then leaves early. So then that means she HAS to come in and basically do what she didn't get done yesterday. She is seen as the champion, and I the chump for saying I can not come in. But, again, I don't care. This is not my life. This is something that gives me income while I work on getting my career afloat.

I am just realizing that I am too comfortable and I should start feeling the fear. The fear of leaving and finally moving on to another part in my life. I know, that sounds stupid because I am almost done with school and I can move on officially.

But in these times where I am going to lose my healthcare and I need more experience in library and information science...maybe I need to be stupid just once.

Well, okay, maybe this isn't my first time being stupid. But we will see.

Let's See How Far We've Come

The start of the holiday season has come and the knitting needles are a'flying and my bank account is exceptionally dry...but I always find myself more happy at this time than any other time. Although, looking back over this year, I realize how amazing this year was. There were, of course, ups and downs, but in the end this year was the start of the up.

School: Started my first year of Graduate School in Library Science. Realized my destiny in many shapes and form (heck, I got an A+ on my research paper...this HAS to be a sign...or maybe I worked really hard and deserved it). It took me three years to finally get myself back into school. It's amazing what trying NOT to put a square peg in a round hole feels like.

Love: Although I have been dating a lot of weirdos (with the exception of this newest lady I've been potentially seeing...yeah, I will tell you later...), it's better than how I was doing a year ago. I am putting myself out there, and I am not unhappy about it all. I finally got to kiss a girl, and I think I know exactly what I want in a future partner. So, although I am still single, I am more grounded in what I want.

General: I am just happier with my life than last year. It is easier to just let go of all the things that bother me, and just live life. I am still working on in, but yeah...it's nice.

I am really curious to see how things will be next year. There are some unfinished business that will possibly move to next year (like school and what not), and it will be exciting to see how it will finish.

Yes, I know, new girl. Only been on two dates. Going on a third tomorrow (ice skating). She is nice. Cute. And seems normal. No baggage. No apparent ticks. Isn't clingy. Likes to eat, talk, and be adventurous. Not forever, but I like spending time with her. So, I will spend time with her. Because it is soooooooo eeaasssssssyyyyyyyyy. When it is easy and there are no emotional or mental baggage, it's not hard to have a nice dating relationship. So, we will see.

While I am on break, I will sleep, read, knit, work, and just be mentally lazy. Yay!

And if I don't update this before, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

This is a response from a long chain of conversations between Siren and me and I finally asked her how she would feel that after going through a break up the person kept saying how happy she was and finally saying what was needed to solve the problems in the relationship. I told her I felt used, like I was like her puzzle piece in her dreamland.

"I was angry too because I felt like u gave up on us so fast. I did have anger too. I didn't use u. I know I can't dwell on the hurt because that isn't gonna get me anywhere. I felt like u wanted me to be this perfect person...and I am not that. I felt like I wasn't accepted by u because u couldn't take me as I am. I felt like u wanted me different. I felt like I was being seen for what I'm not instead of what I am. I couldn't be with someone that doesn't like me for all of me. That's partly why it was no suprise because I could sense that. I definitely had my walls up and was guarding my heart towards the end...especially after sf. I wasn't as open as I was before. Sorry if it hurts u that I am taking this as a learning experience and as a experience for growth but I try my best to get to most out of each experience. I hope u grow and heal and all that. May you have a wonderful life and if u want to be friends with me again someday know that i am always here. God bless."

Yeah, you can go fuck yourself sideways.

I gave up too easily? I?

Evidence #1 that I didn't give up too easily: Even though you were ALL my dealbreakers, I went with you anyway. Probably stupid of me. But I wanted to be with you. Because you kept arguing with me, telling me that we could be really great. And although you were everything that were TOTAL dealbreakers, I went with it anyway. Because I really liked you and I thought maybe, just maybe, you would prove me wrong.

Evidence #2: I wanted to leave after our first date. The fact that at 28 you can't get yourself fucking home, and then when I treated you like MOST adults out there should be treated and you kept telling me I didn't care...I should have left you. I should have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work. I like you, but not enough for this." But, I didn't. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Evidence #3: I wanted to leave when you started telling me that you believed God hated you for being gay by making you sick. I don't date closet cases, nor do I date people that hate themselves. But I stayed with you anyway.

Evidence #4: The fact that you are not even WILLING to put yourself out there in the area that you want to succeed in...and you tell me you are working on it? I should have left. But what did I do? I stayed with you and said, "You would get there..."

Evidence #5: I should never have believed that YOUR ex was the crazy one when you started to exhibit signs of INSANITY.

Evidence #6: The fact that I stayed with you even though you kept putting words in my mouth...when you started doing that after SF...and I still stayed? Yeah...I gave up way too easily.

Evidence #7: Even when two weeks into it ALL OF MY FRIENDS wanted me to leave you...and I stayed? Wow, I just gave up too easily even though all of my SANE friends told me to leave.

I could go on. But I think everyone gets the point.

I will never date people like her. She will always think she is the victim. She will always think that I hurt her, when it actuality she just used me. She had no emotions. The fact that she kept putting up her guard, even though she said she was going all the way with me...and I put my heart out there. I let her hold it, mess with it, and then when I was more courageous to say, "This isn't working..." I'm the bad person? I am the one that gave up too easily when already, in a month, she was crying and conflicted and I was always trying to fight for her?

Yeah...no. Never again. I think I need to really not date anymore. Not give up, but I think I am not allowed to make my own dating choices. Someone else will have to. Because I attract the crazies. And the fact that I knew she was crazy and I went after her anyway? Yeah, stupid. I think I need to just...take a break. No more.

And, yes, I know that I was trying to get you to be perfect. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. Because I didn't like how I made you feel. I wanted you to be better than you could ever be. I wanted to save you. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. I was putting you in a box that you could NEVER fulfill. I wanted you to be successful in your life, but you didn't want it. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. So the fact that once I broke up with you, you started to REALIZE what was WRONG with you...that hurts. That is the reason why I was hurting more than I should have. Because you kept pushing it in my face: "Look, look, now that you broke up with me, I can be what you wanted me to be! Look! I am growing! Thanks for breaking up with me! I am growing, look at me! God is love! Of course God doesn't hate me!!!!!!!!" It was like she WANTED to hurt me. Because I decided to be the one that admitted the truth, she is going to be childish and hurt me by gloating that she is better without me?

Yeah, fuck you.

I am in the anger phase today...

It is Hard To Do

So, I broke up with Siren tonight. Or, actually, this morning. We would have been dating for a month this Sunday, but I don't think it was truly destined to last that long.

She is too conflicted. I am not strong enough to be that type of girlfriend.

Also, she and I are at different stages in our lives. She is still coming out, getting comfortable with who she is. I already went through that, and have started living my life.

I just know that it was either break up or know that I will always be pushed aside. Always be told that, if she had the chance, she would rather be straight than be gay. That she would rather fit her church's idea of morality than be the person she really is. And the fact that if things got tough or she got scared she would always push me away...I don't think I could handle that. I knew that she pushed, but I didn't realize the extent that she would actually tell me that she would rather be straight to make it all easier. And that...hurts. I want a girlfriend that has accepted who she is, and wants to be with me without any shame.

I also know that I was trying to make her be the person I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be strong and just be the woman I know she could be. But she's not ready for that. And I can't force that on her. She needs to realize it for herself. Not through me.

So, although I kept saying I wasn't ready to leave...I think I will have to. It really hurts right now. I want to just say, "Fuck it...I want to be with her..." But, I don't think my heart can take another let down. And I think, for myself, I need to realize that maybe conflict isn't what I want in a relationship. There is passion that can lead to rapport and then there is constant drama and conflict that I don't need. I need to find that balance.

So...onward I go. I was so happy because this Christmas season I was going to do all these fun things with my girlfriend. But now I won't. But I would rather be alone and know what I want than be with someone that seems to be ashamed of who she is. And this will be good for her too. At least, in my opinion. She needs to figure things out for herself. Not through me.

I'm still sad. It still hurts. This still sucks. But it's what needs to be done. So, onward I go.

When Is It Okay to Fly Away?

In the three weeks that I have been dating Siren, I have encountered happiness...and frustration. Already after three weeks and two dates we have issues. There is a lot of baggage that I am acquiring, and I have gone back and forth between wanting to take it on to just not wanting the frustration.

In the end, I just can't bring myself to say "No" yet. When we are not arguing or my trying to calm her down, we have so many happy moments. And there is attraction and passion. It seemed with most of my dating experiences there was so much infatuation but no action. No true passion in it. With Siren, we have that passion to argue. To discuss our fears and our issues. But usually this happens after three months. Not three weeks. I have always said that I am not ready to enter seriousness because she is not there for me. In order for me to talk a serious relationship (as in talking about marriage, kids, knowing that there is no one else), she has to be in a stable ground in her life. And she is not there. But no matter how many times we say, "We will see where this goes" or "I am enjoying the now", the future keeps coming up after us saying, "Tick tock...tick tock". And she gets hurt, and I get frustrated because she keeps putting actions and phrases in my mouth.

And this is when people have told me, "Just leave" or "Are you sure you want to go through all this effort for 'not forever'?" But, I just can't. Not because I don't want to be alone or I just want to have a girlfriend, but because I can't pull myself away from her. I am attracted to her, and I know that it will break both of our hearts in the end...but I can't seem to stop myself. I want this experience. I don't want to run away from something that could be...great and awful at the same time.

And I could be so wrong. Maybe she will get over her fears, issues, and unhappiness and become the woman she could be. And she and I could live happily ever after.

But I am not her knight in shining armor. In a way, I feel like she has an imagined person in her head of me. I am this cute, strong, powerful woman that can save her from her pain and sufferings. And when I show my true self, she gets hurt and doesn't like what she sees. I have never apologized for my bluntness. My reality checks, I like to call them. I say, "This is who I am. I will try to be less harsh, but know that I will always tell you the truth." I am trying to be less harsh with my reality checks. But sometimes I wonder if she is not truly trying to be less sensitive. And to see that maybe she needs to be courageous in everything.

And maybe she will see that. Maybe she will develop into this wonderful woman I know her to be.

Or maybe not. But I am not ready to fly away. I am not ready to say, "No". Not yet. Even though I know I may break her heart, and in the process break my own heart...I can't leave now. I just can't.

But, I still have a lot of thoughts in my head...

You Should Have Taken A Long Break...

Saturday was the 2nd year anniversary of my friend's death.

The lyric from Brandi Carlile's song, "This Year" still rings true: "He said, I forgive you...I said, I hate you..."

I still get so angry at him. Although he and I weren't close, I still get so angry that he couldn't just see that other people loved him.

I guess it will take 10 years before this will not feel like a stabbing pain. That I won't blame myself. He said he was tired that night. He said he was okay, but just tired. I should have known that something was wrong. I should have known that he wasn't okay.

Again, I think it will take 10 years...