Hello, I am Jennifer

I have a problem when it comes to food. I have been denying it for a long time. I just stress ate. That's all. I can control it when I want to. When I want to, I can control my urges quite nicely.

But that's the problem when you are a stress eater. How can you control something that is controlled by an impulse? How can you say, "I don't need that donut" when all you can think of is how that donut will feel in your belly, calming that roil and toil of your stomach?

What I am finding that when I am stressed, I eat. And I don't eat just one thing. I eat the whole entire box and then some. I will eat a whole entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I am not talking about the mini ass things; I am talking about a whole entire cup. In a medium sized bag. Think of those Halloween packs. I can eat that all day. I can also eat a humongous red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. I can also eat fried foods. I can also eat a double double with cheese and an extra side of fries. Oh, don't forget the Neapolitan milkshake. And that's just breakfast.

The past few weeks I have been finding those demons that want all that. And I have been letting them talk. Hard. I haven't counted points every other day, sometimes more. On the days I stopped counting, I would eat Indian food (good, but lots of cream), chips, wine (lots and lots of wine), and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Today I hit hard. I just let go. I ate my good breakfast. And I ate my low fat string cheese, apple slices, and my Boca burger. But then as the stress heightened, I ate those donuts. I ate that cheesecake. I ate that fried fish with french fries. I am only allowed 22 points a day. I ate 38.5. And that's because I only said I ate one donut. And I thought, "What happened to self control?" My co-workers are always amazed when I will say no to donuts and In N Out and McDonalds. But they don't see how hard I want to say, "Yes." And I get so resentful of the fact that I can't have what I want.

So, it implodes into this huge massive binge that creates guilt and frustration. I've been trying to have a healthy aspect with food, but I am finding it is extremely hard when I am stressed. My therapist had taught me a breathing exercise a long time, but let me tell you it is hard to breathe when you have a lawyer breathing down your neck. Of course, that's how it is everywhere in the world. So I have been trying to breathe. Just breathe. I will go into the copy room and just try to relax my brain. Let the flow of the copier just egg away the heightened blood pressure. But then someone is waiting for me to finish, and I have Mary always asking me a question.

Then I try eating lunch. I can't go anywhere, so I try the best that I can. I clear my desk completely. I will answer work questions, but I will not work at all. I will eat the food and just think of nothing. And I relax. I don't need that donut. I don't need that cookie. I don't need chocolate at all. It lasts only ten minutes though; I am back in front of the computer trying so hard not to cry whenever my pile keeps piling up, more and more.

I know that everyone slips up on their diets. I know that I am human and can only take so much. But I was doing so good. Then I slipped. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't a humongous deal. It was a little tiny slip that lasted for two weeks. I just can't stop thinking that it will become even more. I am so scared to go back to that area in my mind. So I am trying to admit that this is not just a slip. That this is a continuous problem that I need to figure out how to fix. There are some ideas that I plan to use. But for now I can only admit this:

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I am an Overeater. I have had this eating disorder so long that I can't remember not having it. I have tried solving it by starving myself or throwing up with no avail. But now I am here; hoping to find some sort of salvation for this.

I'll Rest When I Am Dead

Which, I hope, will be another 60 years from now.

I can only say that my quarter century celebration was fabulous. I don't think I could have it any other way.

And there is definitely more to come.

Here is some fun stuff to think of when you think of my birthday:


I was so happy. And it was before noon on a Saturday with some caffiene in me (but not a usual bowl). It must be a miracle! Notice the button...because of that button I got more "Happy Birthdays" then I think I ever had in my 25 years of livin'!

I'm going to now ice my feet because it is still hurtin' and it's been a day!

Stitches West

2nd year of Stitches West. A knitting expo (fancy word for convention) in Santa Clara. Even though I knew what to expect, I am overwhelmed with the visuals.

Yarn.

YARN.

AND MORE YARN!!!!!

Must now collapse from exhaustion and overwhelming possibilities.

Where It All Falls Into Place

I GOT INTO SAN JOSE STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, enough screaming. :)

I am now an official Graduate Student for Library Sciences. I don't have to say, "I'm still waiting..." or "I may be getting into..." No. I AM a graduate student in Library Sciences. And it feels GRREEEAAAAATTTT!

Ever since October, I have constantly been saying, "I am putting my life back into order." And ever since then I have been taking care of me; I have nursed myself out of a nervous breakdown and won the battle. It just has not shown in true physical results. I had a lot of naysayers that say I am just sitting on my laurels. They keep telling me that I am lazy (hmmm...wonder who they could be?). But I told them, "Patience. You will see." I had to keep telling myself, "Patience. You will see. This is good." And I did. I had patience. That's what I have been learning through this whole entire adventure is patience. And because I waited patiently for the results, I found that the results are everything that I have imagined it could be.

Because I waited, I am:
1.) going back to school for my graduate degree
2.) going to work at the library (cross your fingers still! I only found out that the test is the ONLY thing they are "grading" me now. Before it was 50% written 50% oral. Now it's all written. Which is good because I rocked that test).
3.) lost 12 lbs in one month.
and 4.) not going to give up on my dating life and be a hermit.

Okay, the fourth one I am still working patience on. I just found out that the tea date girl isn't as interested with me as I am with her. I am too feminine looking for her. But we had a good rapport, so I am hoping we can still be friends. The thing that I didn't like is the first thing that I thought was, "God, that means I'm too ugly." And I don't want to think that. And I instantly wanted to blame myself and say, "To hell to this vicious dating world." But I'm not. I am going to stand up to this impatient person in me and say, "Patience! You will see." And, yes, I know I will have more results if I stop "looking". But that doesn't mean someone will fall into my lap in my room randomly one day. I have to be active. I am not going to go to clubs and hook up with everyone. I am just going to have patience; someone is out there that can handle ME. :)

And that's what I'm holding on to. I don't want to be sad that I'm too feminine for someone. I want to be happy that I was smart enough to get into San Jose State. I want to be happy that I am finally getting my life back together. So that is what I will be happy about.

Yaaaaayyyy!!!!!!! :-D

Tea Dates Are Always The Best

While perusing the Craigslist's women seeking women page, I found a very nice posting. Of course, that is a rare thing because most of the time, these cliquey lesbian sluts are always wanting to know where you are hanging, where you want to meet up for some nookie, or where you hang your hat on the proverbial Kinsey scale. So when you read a very nice post of someone that truly connects with you, you have to answer it. Of course, there is a small percentage that the person will write you back and then want to meet up with you.

I was the lucky percentile.

Now, I didn't have much hope for this tea date (we met at a tea bar in Oakland, so it wasn't truly a coffee date, but still). I figured, we may clash. We may have those very awkward silences. She may be weird. She may think me weird (which is always the case). But I figured it would be fun to go out on a limb to do, and see where it goes.

Let me tell you, I have not talked to someone for almost two hours straight in a very long time. There were barely any silences. When there were pauses, it was because we were busy chewing pistachio nuts or mochi. And let me tell you, she's smart. She is amazingly smart. Maybe smarter then me. And she is interracial, which is what got us going for a pretty long time. And did I tell you that she is smart and well-read? And gorgeous. She is absolutely gorgeous.

Of course, we couldn't stay at the tea bar forever. She had to go to a movie with her brother. But it was hard to not stop talking. We exchanged numbers. She walked me to my car. Then I may have been a little weird because I can never know how to end a conversation. We hugged (because I'm weird and said I was a huggy person). Then said we should do this again. Then she walked away.

But because I am me, I am freaking out. I am remembering parts of the conversation that I thought I sounded extremely stupid or unknowledgeable. Remembering parts where I was probably giving off my Weirdo vibes. And then I think, "Maybe she was too polite to stop the conversation." Or maybe she was just being nice when she asked for my number. Maybe...oh my, how my brain plays tricks on me.

So now I am in limbo. Should I call her? When should I call her? When should we do this again? My weekends will be non-stop for the next three weeks. Should we meet on the week? Should we meet at all? Should we exchange emails even though we have our phone numbers? What is the next step? I've never gone this far!

Help!

I Am The Eggman...

Finally saw "Across the Universe". Love it. Reminded me of how much I love the Beatles. It also brought me back to when my sister and I would constantly watch "The Yellow Submarine". My parents had taped it off the TV, and so it became one of our childhood movies. Will do a review for CCL once I have a little bit more time to do point by point stuff.

Although Tuesday is usually my day off, I came in because my supervisor was out for her birthday. It was a good thing because we got stuff done, and it made up for the holiday on Monday (I don't get paid holidays). Unfortunately, one of my coworkers were sick and has now contaminated both my cubicle mate and me. Both she and I were complaining of hackiness and sore throats today. Let me tell you I will be very happy that tomorrow is my day off.

I've been in search of a good Book Club in the area. I miss talking about books and examining every faucet of characterization, plots, and etc. But the one that I was going to join (they even picked my book) keeps wanting to meet up in San Francisco. Now, I don't mind going into San Francisco. It's just that they want to meet up at 7:30 at night, and they want to meet up in an area that involves BART and MUNI. I don't mind BART. It's MUNI that I hate. I could drive, but then that would add more hours to get there and more pain in my ass. I did email the leader asking if we could meet up at a place that is close to BART. She has not responded. I am guessing that's a no. Well, then, I will move on. I found another another one in Berkeley that is finishing up Virginia Woolf's "The Waves". I would have loved to have joined THAT conversation, but that would mean I would have to finish a 400 page book by next week. I used to be fast, but I don't have the time. So I am going to start the club with a new book. I am excited to see what they will start now, since they chose one of my favorite writers.

I will conquer my Netflix list...I will conquer my Netflix list...I will conquer my Netflix list. I just got "Yentl" yesterday. :) So tonight I plan to have some yummy brown rice pasta with portabella mushrooms, spinach, and a little bit of olive oil, and watch Barbra Streisand try to become a rabbi. Mmmm. Fun times.

These Days Are Made Of This

I may have had a little bit too much Toasted Head Chardonnay. I remember movies...Wii Bowling...and Frasier. And the consumption of a lot of Indian food and low calorie Red Velvet cupcakes. But that's all.

But, let me tell you, it was fun. Best Valentine's Day ever.

I finally found my favorite Childhood picture book . The only thing I could remember was the front cover. I mean, how could you forget this picture? I also remembered the story: a motherless child escaping her evil father and an ogre of a husband (really, he was an ogre) to then capture a prince's heart by making three distinct dresses. The thing is, I could never remember the title. I used to own it, but because of pure Motherly ways it was given away. Ever since, I have been in quest for this book.

You know how I found it? While shelving the Children's Library yesterday. The library was swamped with patrons (they were closed on Thursday for Lincoln's birthday), so I figured I would do the things I do know rather then pester the Coordinator with things to do. I did the DVDS and then went along and found a huge cart of picture books that needed to be shelved. So, I went away and shelved. After much crouching, bending, and pushing, I got to the H's. And found this lovely little gem. I really wanted to read it right then and there, but had to shelve it because I'm a good little volunteer shelver. But let me tell you, I was extremely ecstatic to find it! Must go and find it in a bookstore and buy it. Because I will never be without this gem again.

What is interesting is reading the description of the book. It's a modern-day story of Cinderella. I always thought it was an inventive new fairy tale. The description described it as a modern-day story of Cinderella that "taught women to be self-sufficient." As I read that, I looked up dramatically (I really do that) and thought, "So that's how I became who I am!" Forget the fact that I grew up in a matriarchal family with a strong-willed mother. It was this book!

It's just a theory...

This weekend looks to be shaping up to be a very nice weekend. The rain. The wine. The food. The sleep. All good.