The Strength of Anger

I have been feeling a lot of anger towards my job lately. Maybe because I realize I overstayed my welcome there. Well, more like I feel way too comfortable there. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I find another one that is more suitable to where I am going. A year and a few months later I find myself ensconced in the infrastructure and no way out. Well, I always have a way out, but that would mean another financial dip. I can't do that again.

I got comfortable because I had to adopt this mentality of "I don't care". If I cared, I would be stressed, tired, and just not happy. I wanted to just be happy and worry about the ramifications of it all later. In my mind, I was going to school and this wasn't the time to be picky when it came to income acquirement. I had my school, that's all that mattered.

But lately, I have been wanting to have more fulfillment in my job. It doesn't help that I have been told that I need to start networking in the library world, and that many people have the upper hand when they work at a library already. Great. Thanks. I tried! But they hired other people that probably don't care about the library institution. I thought I could go back to volunteering at the Castro Valley Library, but I realize that that is going to be hard to fit in my schedule. I am starting to look at internships and opening my mind more about volunteering again. It would be nice though if Destiny/Higher Being could help me out a little bit and give a branch. But, I know in the end I have to at least put the effort out there.

But even with all this effort, I still feel so angry. I thought I was going to be done with the stupidity of law. I really thought I would have been out by now. Circumstances just developed otherwise, and I am trying to put on a happy face and realize that this may have to be my reality until I finish school.

It's just incredibly hard. Especially when lately I either am told that I am not doing my job right (even though, I am the one who is doing it right and my work-sharing partner is the idiot) or I am doing my job and my supervisors. I also feel like I am being punished for putting my foot down and saying that I will not come in on my days off unless it is at least a Thursday. This is my second semester of my first year, and I have a feeling that it is going to be difficult. I am looking at all my syllubi and I know that I will need a lot more time put aside for school. And, I hate to admit it, dating does take up some of my time as well as being able to spend time with my friends. And, in the end, my job is not a priority. I hate to say it, but it isn't. It's not my life. In the end, it is probably at the bottom of my list. I am always willing to help, but not at the expense of my school, family, friends, and etc. It's a thing that gives me the money so I can pay for my stuff. So, I put my foot down this time and said, "I can not come in on Tuesdays. I can try to do Thursdays, but not on Tuesdays." I made it an absolute. It seemed like my boss was okay with that, but now I can see she is punishing me. All of today I was running around with what I term as "busy" work. The things she pulled out of her butt on Saturday that she thought of randomly. Some of it are things that should be put in my inbox, but others are things that should have been put in my supervisor's box. I had to review my own motions because my supervisor was too "busy". Come on. And when I came to say goodbye, she looked at me and said, "So, is it okay?" (i.e. do you need to come in? Should I make you work???) and I said, "No, it's manageable. I was able to get everything done." And she looked shocked. Heaven forbid I actually do work!

But, the thing is the reason why we have been so "busy" is because my work sharing partner sits on her butt on her days in and texts non stop and then leaves early. So then that means she HAS to come in and basically do what she didn't get done yesterday. She is seen as the champion, and I the chump for saying I can not come in. But, again, I don't care. This is not my life. This is something that gives me income while I work on getting my career afloat.

I am just realizing that I am too comfortable and I should start feeling the fear. The fear of leaving and finally moving on to another part in my life. I know, that sounds stupid because I am almost done with school and I can move on officially.

But in these times where I am going to lose my healthcare and I need more experience in library and information science...maybe I need to be stupid just once.

Well, okay, maybe this isn't my first time being stupid. But we will see.