With everything that has happened this past year, I decided I was going to make a list of things for 2011.
1. These adjectives will not be allowed towards me: stupid, lazy, selfish, fat, ugly
2. Nor will the phrase that states I need to think will be permitted to be uttered in my presence without my being able to then defend myself with either sharp words or a huge "I Quit" sign.
3. Also, I will not let people tell me how I think, feel, or should do. I am not a doll. I actually have a brain that knows what to do. I have let people make my own decisions or tell me who I am and that's not right. I can make my own decisions now.
4. I will continue to work on the friendships that matter and let the ones that are toxic to fall away. I have done enough work on them.
5. I will continue to work on my self esteem and body image. I am beautiful, and I don't need to worry about my weight. I would rather be healthy than skinny.
6. No more colds for 2011!
7. Save more, spend less.
8. Have fun! Get schoolwork done in the process.
9. Read more. My poor books have not been loved this year. :(
10. Do more stuff by myself: going to movies, etc. Be ok to spend more me time in public.
I don't think these are resolutions...just guidelines. :) Let's see how it goes!
The travails and gallavantings of an Asian queer lady who loves to read, write, and create havoc.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
The Follow Up
Now that everything has calmed down, I should really explain my last post. Also to give an actual update in my life in general! I know I have not been the biggest poster lately.
Okay, what did you quit?
I quit my job. The one that I have had for 2.5 years that has drained, chewed, annihilated my soul to the point where it is hurting my body. After getting a bad cold three months in a row, going to the doctor (that cost me $132) because of inflammation in my chest wall, and having tiny nervous breakdowns in the bathroom (I tried meditating...it didn't work) I finally decided I could not wait until I graduated to quit. After bugging my poor friend until she finally said, "Just shut up and quit already!", I decided that it was finally time.
Now, the thought process on this was a quick and successive one. First, I was going to leave once I got a new job. Then, when things started to get worse, I decided I was going to quit after the holidays no ifs ands or buts. Lastly, when my boss decided to tell me that I needed to think before I prepared my documents (she's done this before), I decided to quit that day. I had to calm down before I could do it (I didn't want staplers flying in the direction of my boss...that would have been messy), but I did it. I was still shaky while doing it, and I think I will always be shaky when thinking that I am going to leave the one place I have known for two and a half years. I know, it sounds ridiculous because it still seems so short. But this was the longest I had been in a job. I think the reason why I stayed so long was because of the fact that I didn't want to be seen as one that always was unhappy. I wanted to prove paper-wise that I was a good worker that stays and does the job right. But the situation could not warrant me the ability to stay much longer. When I went to the doctor she kept saying that all of this is caused by stress.
Now, Kaiser loves to emphasize certain things: obesity, stress, eat right, etc. So when the doctor kept saying it was stress I rolled my eyes silently and went on my merry way. But looking back, it really is stress. Now, I haven't been sick for two and a half years. I think what helped was that I used to sit in an area filled with happier people. Before we moved, I used to sit with people that 1. liked me and 2. would talk to me about things other than work. As we worked we would talk about life, opinions, what's going on. We would share pictures, life stories, etc. We would complain a little: about clients, some of what my boss would do, and stuff that we had to do. But then we would get back to happier things because it was easier to let the crappy stuff roll away for happier things.
But when we moved three months ago, I was forced to sit in a cubicle with a new coworker of mine that 1. did not like me and made sure I knew it and 2. was never happy. Everything was a horrible thing. My boss was terrible. Why did she do this? Why did I do this? Everything was doom and gloom. And don't get me started on the talking/swearing to herself bit. Basically I worked with a pissy parrot that either threw its feces at you or smiled as it did it. I started really dreading coming into work because I would be greated by a grunt and a growl every morning. If I was lucky. The people that I used to work with? Divided by a huge brown wall. I think we all get the picture.
So, it was time. It was either really complain to my boss (who was starting to get into her really foul mood that wouldn't involve good communication) and see if I could try to be moved, or quit. Since I am going to graduate soon and should be getting more library experience, I decided to quit.
The Future!
I wasn't taking too much of a risk. I also am doing a part time temporary job at my old internship at San Mateo County Library, so I would still have that income while I looked for a job. And I was able to find another job really quickly as well. In January I will be starting a part time job as a Center Instructor through Sylvan Learning Center. It is also temporary (lasting until March or May), but this will help pad my resume with more teaching/tutoring skills which is what I need.
You see, I finally decided that I would love to be a Reference and Instruction Librarian at an academic library either at a university/college or community college. I prefer community college though because it is smaller, better pay, and probably has more of the demographics that I would like to work with. I am learning that I love literacy. I love teaching it. I love talking about it. When I had interviewed for my internship I was just BS'ing my way through it. I was more interested in getting any sort of internship, really. And when I got it I kept thinking, "Should I really take this? It is all way in East Palo Alto ("EPA") and I'm not that interested in literacy..." But I took it because something told me that it would lead somewhere. Also, I was interested in teaching. To be honest, I have always been interested in teaching. I have been told though that I don't have the patience. And maybe sometimes I can be a little cross when people don't get what I am teaching. So with this knowledge I was never sure that I could be a teacher. When I got the internship what got me to say yes was the fact that I wanted to see if I would like it or if I could do it. Now I know I do like it and I can do it. And it is not just me that believes it, my peers believe it too. My supervisors and coworkers have all come up to me saying that I do an amazing job. And it must have been true because here I am again helping out while my supervisor is on maternity leave.
So, that's why I took a temporary job rather than wait out for a permanent one. I need more experience, and if I can get it in a job that will carry me through a few months than shoot why not? Better than being in a permanent job like my last one where all I can think of is, "How is this going to help me in the end?" In the end, I am jumping for the right reasons. I feel like for awhile I was jumping or staying for all the wrong reasons. Now it is all for the right reasons and I am immensely happy.
Okay, I'm bored now. What else are you doing?
Nothing, really. My personal life has become my job. School is finished with passing grades (A and A-...yippee!), and my dating life is very stagnant. I am too busy! You try dating with two jobs and school! If you can pull it off while being able to sleep, let me know! That's the one thing that I miss immensely: sleeping. Okay, I know that I don't have kids and that imagine it being 10 times harder, but this has been the busiest I have ever been. If I do have kids, I will probably change my mind. But for now, I am tired and would like to hide in a hole. I have been running around it seems for a long while now, especially in December. Now, I have had some fun in there too so I have sacrificed my sleep for fun. But that's why I think a cave would be great. I love my friends and I am so happy that through all this I have them to lean on and help me look at better things in life. But I think I need some time for myself that involves a lot of knitting, movies, and things that are called pajamas. And maybe some Amie love time because I know he has not been happy with me about leaving him alone all this month. I try to spend time with him, but not enough to satisfy his needy ego.
The Year in Review
Good things, bad things, I jumped out of a plane without dying and crapping my pants, still working on future, finally ending it with such a huge jump I think I will crap my pants but probably just hyperventilate and know it is a good thing. And, it seems, beginning and ending it with Disneyland.
The End. :-D
Okay, what did you quit?
I quit my job. The one that I have had for 2.5 years that has drained, chewed, annihilated my soul to the point where it is hurting my body. After getting a bad cold three months in a row, going to the doctor (that cost me $132) because of inflammation in my chest wall, and having tiny nervous breakdowns in the bathroom (I tried meditating...it didn't work) I finally decided I could not wait until I graduated to quit. After bugging my poor friend until she finally said, "Just shut up and quit already!", I decided that it was finally time.
Now, the thought process on this was a quick and successive one. First, I was going to leave once I got a new job. Then, when things started to get worse, I decided I was going to quit after the holidays no ifs ands or buts. Lastly, when my boss decided to tell me that I needed to think before I prepared my documents (she's done this before), I decided to quit that day. I had to calm down before I could do it (I didn't want staplers flying in the direction of my boss...that would have been messy), but I did it. I was still shaky while doing it, and I think I will always be shaky when thinking that I am going to leave the one place I have known for two and a half years. I know, it sounds ridiculous because it still seems so short. But this was the longest I had been in a job. I think the reason why I stayed so long was because of the fact that I didn't want to be seen as one that always was unhappy. I wanted to prove paper-wise that I was a good worker that stays and does the job right. But the situation could not warrant me the ability to stay much longer. When I went to the doctor she kept saying that all of this is caused by stress.
Now, Kaiser loves to emphasize certain things: obesity, stress, eat right, etc. So when the doctor kept saying it was stress I rolled my eyes silently and went on my merry way. But looking back, it really is stress. Now, I haven't been sick for two and a half years. I think what helped was that I used to sit in an area filled with happier people. Before we moved, I used to sit with people that 1. liked me and 2. would talk to me about things other than work. As we worked we would talk about life, opinions, what's going on. We would share pictures, life stories, etc. We would complain a little: about clients, some of what my boss would do, and stuff that we had to do. But then we would get back to happier things because it was easier to let the crappy stuff roll away for happier things.
But when we moved three months ago, I was forced to sit in a cubicle with a new coworker of mine that 1. did not like me and made sure I knew it and 2. was never happy. Everything was a horrible thing. My boss was terrible. Why did she do this? Why did I do this? Everything was doom and gloom. And don't get me started on the talking/swearing to herself bit. Basically I worked with a pissy parrot that either threw its feces at you or smiled as it did it. I started really dreading coming into work because I would be greated by a grunt and a growl every morning. If I was lucky. The people that I used to work with? Divided by a huge brown wall. I think we all get the picture.
So, it was time. It was either really complain to my boss (who was starting to get into her really foul mood that wouldn't involve good communication) and see if I could try to be moved, or quit. Since I am going to graduate soon and should be getting more library experience, I decided to quit.
The Future!
I wasn't taking too much of a risk. I also am doing a part time temporary job at my old internship at San Mateo County Library, so I would still have that income while I looked for a job. And I was able to find another job really quickly as well. In January I will be starting a part time job as a Center Instructor through Sylvan Learning Center. It is also temporary (lasting until March or May), but this will help pad my resume with more teaching/tutoring skills which is what I need.
You see, I finally decided that I would love to be a Reference and Instruction Librarian at an academic library either at a university/college or community college. I prefer community college though because it is smaller, better pay, and probably has more of the demographics that I would like to work with. I am learning that I love literacy. I love teaching it. I love talking about it. When I had interviewed for my internship I was just BS'ing my way through it. I was more interested in getting any sort of internship, really. And when I got it I kept thinking, "Should I really take this? It is all way in East Palo Alto ("EPA") and I'm not that interested in literacy..." But I took it because something told me that it would lead somewhere. Also, I was interested in teaching. To be honest, I have always been interested in teaching. I have been told though that I don't have the patience. And maybe sometimes I can be a little cross when people don't get what I am teaching. So with this knowledge I was never sure that I could be a teacher. When I got the internship what got me to say yes was the fact that I wanted to see if I would like it or if I could do it. Now I know I do like it and I can do it. And it is not just me that believes it, my peers believe it too. My supervisors and coworkers have all come up to me saying that I do an amazing job. And it must have been true because here I am again helping out while my supervisor is on maternity leave.
So, that's why I took a temporary job rather than wait out for a permanent one. I need more experience, and if I can get it in a job that will carry me through a few months than shoot why not? Better than being in a permanent job like my last one where all I can think of is, "How is this going to help me in the end?" In the end, I am jumping for the right reasons. I feel like for awhile I was jumping or staying for all the wrong reasons. Now it is all for the right reasons and I am immensely happy.
Okay, I'm bored now. What else are you doing?
Nothing, really. My personal life has become my job. School is finished with passing grades (A and A-...yippee!), and my dating life is very stagnant. I am too busy! You try dating with two jobs and school! If you can pull it off while being able to sleep, let me know! That's the one thing that I miss immensely: sleeping. Okay, I know that I don't have kids and that imagine it being 10 times harder, but this has been the busiest I have ever been. If I do have kids, I will probably change my mind. But for now, I am tired and would like to hide in a hole. I have been running around it seems for a long while now, especially in December. Now, I have had some fun in there too so I have sacrificed my sleep for fun. But that's why I think a cave would be great. I love my friends and I am so happy that through all this I have them to lean on and help me look at better things in life. But I think I need some time for myself that involves a lot of knitting, movies, and things that are called pajamas. And maybe some Amie love time because I know he has not been happy with me about leaving him alone all this month. I try to spend time with him, but not enough to satisfy his needy ego.
The Year in Review
Good things, bad things, I jumped out of a plane without dying and crapping my pants, still working on future, finally ending it with such a huge jump I think I will crap my pants but probably just hyperventilate and know it is a good thing. And, it seems, beginning and ending it with Disneyland.
The End. :-D
Monday, December 20, 2010
Iquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquit...
I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah...I'm done. So long. See ya. I'm finished being called stupid, whydon'tithinkyousillylittlegirl.
Done. I quit. I would rather be happy and flat broke than this nonsense.
So long. Farewell. Good-bye. Don't think I will stay awhile. I may be nice to you, but don't think I will put up with your shit. Nope. No more. My poor tongue has been bitten so many times it needs a band-aid and stitches.
So long. Farewell. Good-bye. F you.
*done ranting*
I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah...I'm done. So long. See ya. I'm finished being called stupid, whydon'tithinkyousillylittlegirl.
Done. I quit. I would rather be happy and flat broke than this nonsense.
So long. Farewell. Good-bye. Don't think I will stay awhile. I may be nice to you, but don't think I will put up with your shit. Nope. No more. My poor tongue has been bitten so many times it needs a band-aid and stitches.
So long. Farewell. Good-bye. F you.
*done ranting*
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