And the Madness Begins...

School started yesterday. I had a mini breakdown because of the following story:

A week before school started, I was looking at my syllabi. I found out that my third class was basically a class for those who have no lives. The syllabus even said that many students had found that if they are taking more than one to two classes, had a job, etc. that there was no chance of getting A. Good luck trying for a B. So, knowing my limits, I decided I was going to drop the class and get another class. I picked a class that seemed open, the professor was willing to let me in, and seemed interesting (it was teaching methods, what could go wrong!). I was not allowed to do any registration activity until the first day of school though. Of course, knowing my luck, I have to work on my first day of school. But I made sure before work that I did the adding and the dropping and making sure I got everything set. And I thought everything was golden.

Til I got home. That's when I was going through the course information and documents. I found that the professor does not think linearly. The course was not what I thought it was (non-K through 12 focus was what I wanted. I got K-12 focus), and everything was being done through multiple links and websites. Not conducive for a linear learner. I started hyperventilating. Crying ensued. How could I have done this?????

And then I realized: I have been killing myself with three classes for two semesters, and did not have a break for summer...why should I kill myself now? I will try to find a third class but if not this means destiny is telling me to take an f'ing break. So...I dropped the class. I don't know how Financial Aid is going to handle this, but we will see when it comes to it. I have never understood the idea of how FA worked in the Library program. The administration recommends one to two classes. According to the FA rules, it seems you have to take three to qualify. We will see...

What does this mean in regards to graduation timeline? Nothing. I have to do an extra semester in Summer. Might as well take a second class.

Apparently my mother, through all of this, thinks I am lazy and pretending to be retired. *sigh* I have given up trying to get my mom to understand it all, but she doesn't and I give up. This is MY life, not her's. If she wants to kill herself before 65 she can go ahead. I am going to try to at least last past that without diabetes, arthritis, frozen shoulder, sleep apnea, obesity,...should I go on?

Anyway, here we go!

Hair Drama! And other things a'changing...

After a break-up, what does a woman do? She cuts her hair. Because tattoos are extremely permanent and piercings are something you can get only when you are much younger and experimenting. And so that is what I did.
Unfortunately, what I wanted did not turn out to be what I got. What I wanted was this:

What I got was this:

Thankfully I have great friends with good connections. Once I sent the picture to them they immediately said, "Anthony's Beauty Salon in Oakland! Request for Richard!" Let me say that I am very glad I took their advice. Beause, after much talking through and examining what in heaven's name my mom's beautician did to me, I got this:

Me likey! And, yes, I have to do more styling than I am used to but I feel more confident in this hairstyle. And the comments are flowing in. It is definitely shorter than what I wanted, but everyone tells me that it actually thins out my face rather than plumps it up. But my family has a portrait of all of us in our family room that says at a certain weight and style it does not thin out my fac.

So that leads me to my next change. I was getting fed up at how I was eating. I will not give up the hamburgers, but I will try to eat less of them. And carne asada burritos will definitely have to be put on the side burner (although today I am getting one as a last hurrah to East Palo Alto and my internship). More greens. More fruits. Less grease. Less sugar. Less food in general. I was starting to overeat, and that is something that I want to put a stop to since I now have a shorter haircut that can't hide the extra poundage. What's interesting is that you would think as someone who is sad over something would eat more. I am finding that when I am really sad I don't want to eat. Drinking on the other hand...but I am controlling that too, don't worry my friends. It's when I am stressed or extremely happy that I want to overeat. Stress, common. But happiness? Never thought that could happen. I am not going back to Weight Watchers (can't afford it), but I am going to start monitoring what I am eating. Maybe start doing a food diary again to see what I am putting in my mouth and make myself accountable. As I told someone at work, I am not going to get fat over this break-up. So there!

I was told by a friend that I am in revenge mode. I don't think that's the case. I think it is a case of trying to move on and get the stuff that wasn't working out of my life. Hence why I went through my closet last night and got rid of a lot of my clothes. And that is a feat because I used to have clothes from when I was in high school. Yes, I am a hoarder. Blame the mother who likes to throw away perfectly good sandals when you're not looking *end rant*. There was one sweater that I wanted to give another chance. But, no, I carelessly put it in the bag to be sent to charity. It felt freeing to get rid of all this stuff that has been in my closet for ages. These clothes even traveled with me to Sonoma county and back, but were never worn. It was like getting rid of emotional baggage that is actually physically in front of you. It was freeing.

Of course, I plan to fill it up again. I need sweaters for the winter, don't I?

I feel these changes are going to be good in the long run. I don't know why, but I just do. I needed this change. I am not sure whether it was because of the break up or it was because it was just time. Sometimes I wonder if the Universe has these events happen to kick start you into what you are destined to do. The Universe is telling you, "Think, dammit, think!" and pushes you towards these events. There is always free will, but there is also that hidden hand that somehow always comes into my life and says, "No, I know you want this but..." Because, honestly, I can't imagine shit just happening. It happens for a reason, and the reasoning is just not apparent when you are in the midst of it blowing up and stinking in your face. So, we will see where these things lead me. I am letting everything just settle down and seeing where it takes me.

While I do that, I enjoy me my wine. Don't judge. You know you would do it too.

A Rant

This post was going to be about how I feel all right and the adventure of cutting my hair. But I just had dinner with a mutual friend of the ex and right now I am still fuming.

What is wrong about wanting marriage? About wanting commitment? Why is it considered crazy to wonder if you should devote time to the relationship about three months? After seven months? Why is wrong for me to want that in life? Why am I considered crazy for wanting that?

What happened to wanting that type of lifestyle? There is being open minded and wanting different things in life and looking outside the box for living a life with someone. But when did it become the norm to shun those who wanted marriage and commitment? When did it become a crazy notion to want marriage and commitment?

Maybe I am generalizing, but it is frustrating to find that it seems there are no lesbians or queer women out there that want commitment. The ones who do are already taken!

I think I need to widen my queer circle. Find more lesbians or queer women that think like me. Because this is ridiculous...I am tired of people telling me that I am crazy when I know I am not!

Or maybe I am...but for other reasons! :-D

Life goes on

Got past the sad, anger, and drunk phase. Now am compiling a new list. This time not vague! Am realizing I am too compromising. Need to be firm in what I want. Am working on it.

But this for a future not too soon. Need to grieve some more. Need to give some time for me.

Also, I really don't want to go back out there yet. Would really like it if I could do dating like how fast food is: you can get it in your car quick and fast. But, then again, there is the regret after...but, eh. Too lazy.

Am sad...but am okay with it all. Just miss the friendship. Got used to it all. Sad that it won't be like how it used to be. Maybe it will be many years from now. But...we will see.