I Want to Break Free...

After many, many days of the inability to sleep, concentrate, do anything, I have finally broken free of it all and got a good amount of sleep, yoga, and concentration of thoughts.

I had told a friend two weeks ago that I had finally felt free. Like a burden has lifted off my shoulder and I can finally feel free to breathe, live, etc. And it is still true, but some times there are residual demons that haunt me randomly. Especially when I proclaim said freedom. That is what happened this time.

I think it was the time of year combined with the fact that I have been going nowhere with my love life added with a big decision that I don't want to try anymore. (Yes. Yes. I know. Don't quit. Don't give up. Love will happen. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please accept the fact that I want to quit and will. Let's get past that fact.) In a way, my decision was breaking my heart and dreams. Add to the fact that I am surrounded by the lovey dovey feelings with the my body feeling the natural tugs and pulls of Mother Earth and her need to procreate. So it would be normal to get down and not be able to sleep. Thoughts were starting to permeate my brain, and start adding fodder to my imagination. So, no sleep. I wasn't confused, but I was just getting sad by all the realizations that were hitting me head on all at once.

What helped? Writing. Since Netflix was down (and I couldn't watch my precious The Office episodes...maybe one of the small factors of why I didn't get much sleep), I decided to sit down and write all these thoughts out on paper. That's why I keep my diary because there are just times when I need that soundboard. I know that I have my friends to talk to, but it is different. This sounds harsh, but I need to be able to talk/write without anyone interrupting me with advice and addages. I'm the type of person that talks to herself sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I am truly talking to myself and people would take me to an asylum if they saw me. This is how I process. I got it from my mom (she tends to talk under her breath when she's working...or gardening...or just walking). In order to not be put in an asylum, I write in my diary about my thoughts. I process it all, and I just let it all out. It's like free writing, but without coming up with an amazing story. I instead figure out what is going on in my weird brain of mine. And that is what happened with me last night. I got out all of those thoughts that I was having, and just put them to words and let them air out. I truly believe that thoughts tend to get moist and start to grow mold in the brain, so they need to get aired out and become free from the restraints. These thoughts were starting to build up a castle until I aired them out.

And so I broke free from everything. I feel at peace with my decisions. I know it is for the best, and my heart is mending from it all.

I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. I'm noticing this trend of wanting to break free, or just wanting to be free to make decisions. Of course, one must know Freddie Mercury's history to understand why this trend (he was a closeted bisexual man who died of AIDS), but it also spurred me on. It reminded me so much of when I was in the closet, and when I broke free it felt so good. And now, in a way, I am breaking free but in a different sense. I am breaking free from the damaging dreams that I had in my head, and it feels really good to not have that pressure. In a way, I am like Freddie Mercury (without the AIDS): I want to break free, and I have.

and so it begins...

Spring is here. I am sneezing like mad, and going nuts because the flower are so gorgeous and I can only produce mucus to show my pleasure.

Spring tends to also kill my ability to think straight (ha ha ha, yeah, I know) about anything. All day today I day dreamed about the most fantastical things. I mean, forget the soap operas, I dreamed up my own juicy stories! Of course, it helped that we were slow today. Once the flowers bloom and the sun starts to shine through the dense clouds, my imagination starts to overwork and create imaginary feelings or secret wantings. I am trying to monitor it and make sure that I don't go overboard with my imagination. But it feels so good to get that little sensory back in my life. It has been dead lately, and I have been missing that pure adrenaline when the clouds seem to surround my peripherals.


And then there is Summer. Where I have known to lose all inhibition and start taking off clothes out of desire and pure hatred of sweaty garments. That does not involve imagination but pure action. I have been known to lose a many of things during this time of year, especially when my hormones started to come in at fifteen. I tend to stay indoors because of this.

My mantra for this year: I do not need society's idea of happiness. I do not need society's idea of happiness. I am fulfilled in many ways without a partner in my life, and that is how it will stay. Some people say that is just giving up and not letting life in; I say it is accepting something that has been the hardest to accept. My fear of being alone has encompassed my life since I realized the existence of romantic love. After years of thinking that I was too ugly for people, too annoying for people, or just too something (fill in the blank), I am happy just saying that I am good enough for me.

It feels so fucking good. Just tell that to my over-working imagination and sensory-driven/passion-wanting mind.

And so I heal it all with some Amie love and The Office. Oh yeah.