Friday, October 23, 2009

No, I Can't Fly Away

it is so hard to describe how I feel.

Gracious eyes with courteous hands just make better bedfellows than passionate handstrokes.

you scare me. you make my stomach dance within its cage, making my heart envious of its flexibility.

Lips that tantilize just make me want to run. While hearth-ready words give me lead feet.

we won't last. I know it. but i can't fly away.

no. I just can't fly away from you.

Curves draw me away. Your straight lines keep me closer.

not ready to give you up for someone else. not ready to say its over after much contemplating.

Hands so smooth, but breath so intriguing.

not ready to say it's done yet.

Your words fill me with fear, even though you mean well.

not ready to say it's done yet. no. not even when we cry and scream

not ready to say it's done yet.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Guitar Girl Crushes

This is why you should love Brandi Carlile:

And also this is why:




Hot. I have a new guitar lady crush. Other then Siren, of course. But she was AMAZING live. I suggest you see the video before listening to her music. She is great on the CDs, but she is sooooo good live. *sigh* And it was fun to see her at the Fillmore. I have never been there, but I have to say I enjoyed it. You get a whole apple, and if you get there early you can eat dinner upstairs in this hall above the stage. And then the decor is fabulous. Chandeliers, disco ball, and old architecture. It is definitely a city gem. But, yeah. I'm happy I got to go. :)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Death = Freedom

I am going to finally be "un-vague" about my relationship category.

I have been adventuring into this rabbit hole of possible dating/relationship thing. To keep this story from being confusing, I will just state that I have a friend on Facebook that I met from college and lately we have been starting to feel more than friends over the past few weeks. We weren't close in college (she was dating a coworker of mine at the Women's Resource Center), and we weren't that close after college either (she lives in the North Bay and I moved back to the East Bay and got very area-orientated). But, we stayed in touch through Facebook. Well, we ran into each other at the Book Fair in September and from then on we started to talk more often. Badabing, feelings were developing on both sides. This week was when it came to a point where she admitted, I said, "Well, yeah, I knew that. I like you too." This also was the week where I had no time to really focus on it and think about it.

Once I finally got sleep and time to think, I started to get scared. This is really new for me. Not the liking someone, etc etc etc. It's actually going into a relationship and starting to work the kinks of what could happen. And I got scared. I have this issue of wanting perfection (I think I have OCD...but not the extreme kind). I want things to be just right, or I don't want to deal with it. This won't be the perfect situation for me. She lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, and I am scared that I won't be a good girlfriend because I am so busy with school and life. I want to make sure that I make room for her in my life and get used to not being single. That gets to another part of me: I hate change. I have been working to calm down and say, "Change is good" and accept it when it comes along. But I get the initial scare still. Another point is the fact that I do need some personal time to myself. I like spending time with people and would definitely like spending time with her, but I also want to make sure she understands that I need time to do school work and time to just...be me. Which she understands perfectly so far. What is also scaring me is that it is feeling so...natural. It was natural to slowly delve into this madness of her. I was trying to put the brakes on it, trying to make it progress slowly...but I couldn't. I fell into it and now I am really hooked on her. I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to date. I want to be in this connection with her. So I got scared because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She (I will call her Siren because...well, she is a music goddess with the guitar and is very much in the music field) and I have been talking about this, and working it out. But I still had this residual fear.

To preface the following paragraph, I need to explain my dream history. Ever since I had dated my first boyfriend, Jackass, I started having these wild dreams of people trying to kill me. Celebrities, random people, are chasing me trying to kill me. I mean, it could have started much earlier than that time but I do remember that it started happening in fifth grade (yeah...that's an even longer story and I already have a novel here). These dreams would be so elaborate too. These events would happen and then it would end with a random dream spirit/celebrity running after me trying to kill me. It's always either a knife or a gun. It is never in one place. Either in a house, fields, etc. There is no place that I haven't ran from someone trying to kill me.

Last night, I had a different dream. I was with my friend Dana that I hadn't seen in ages. We are having a Halloween party or some sort of thing (I know why I was dreaming because of the fact that I was talking about it earlier than night), and I was hanging out just having some weird argument (I tend to have these...I don't know why). And then all of a sudden I get scared. I am reliving a movie scene. I hear a gun shot, and I am hiding in the bathroom in my house. Even though the door is closed, there are gaps in the walls to show who is going up and down the stairs and in the hallway. It is dark, but gray because of the sunlight coming through the windows. Then I see through the crack an eye lined with black and a strange woman looking at me. She opens the door. She is tall, all in black, very blond, and her eyes are a beautiful blue. She is smoothed, white skin, chunky. She has her hands behind her back and she is talking to me. She is accusing me of doing something wrong. I try to explain to her that I didn't mean to say it like that. I was trying to say...and then she pulls from behind her back a weird version of a machine gun. She looks at it. She looks at me. She said, "That's why I have to do this." And she points the gun and I actually feel the bullets (without pain) enter in my body and it becomes black. And I wake up. It's morning time.

Usually I wake up from the running, trying to get away from the gun or knife, and I wake up freaking out and breathing hard. This time, I was slightly scared but more intrigued by the feeling of the bullet entering my body. I would think it would be painful (which it would have been), but at the same time I was calm. I was okay that I had died in my dream (although I kept thinking of the theory that if you die in your dream you should have died in real life). It just seems like this dream where I finally die means something in comparison to Siren. I am not sure how, but it may be that this relationship (or whatever it may be) will be something really good for me. Like the girl that was trying to kill me was all the things that was keeping me from being in a great relationship, and the person that really died wasn't me but my past.

I don't know. It's just a theory. But I am not as scared anymore. I feel good about this. I feel more comfortable thinking of Siren as...mine. I still have fears, but I am not freaking out. It will work. Or it will be an amazing adventure.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Do You Hum While You Pee?

School
MIDDDDDTTTEEERRRRRRMMMMMMSSSSSSS. Well, with how my school is, it's more like I have papers starting to become due right now. I have a major paper that is due this Friday that I thought would be easy to start at the beginning of this week. HAH! It involved at least one more week than what I have. I was freaking out yesterday, thinking that I was going to fail library school. I've calmed down since. Knitting is the beautiful cure of that. But I also did a major, major work off today with research and doing the part that I can do while waiting for the other part (interviews with librarians). Hopefully I can pull this out of my ass...But other then that, I have now learned that you do not procrastinate. I have looked at my future assignments and deadlines and understand that all my assignments are due at the end of this month and early next month...and they are all pretty simple that doesn't require me begging librarians to be nice to be and talk to me.

Knitting
Speaking of knitting...I am alllmmmoooosssstttt finished with my tuscany shawl. Literally. I have put the pretty, soft, laceweight yarn away from my hands nearly six rows away to finish to write this. I know, dork. I am also half way through my second purply socks. The reason why I have picked up these projects that were sleeping? BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF KNITTING STRAIGHT KNITTING WITH GREY ALPACA YARN!!!!!!!!!!!! I was working on my Knit A Long with my friend for two months and found out she put it away for awhile to not lose her mind. While I was letting my mind rot with boredom. I do not blame her. I also hit a snag that I wasn't sure about. But, I emailed the designer and she told me that I can do whatever I want. But I don't have the heart to pick it up again. Not until I at least have some instant gratification with socks and shawls. Yippee! I should also start planning Christmas knitting...which involves only one person (you know who you are...) so not hard. Although, now I will have to start planning a little more because I have an idea that does not include the usual...hmmm...*devious mind working*

Dating

On Saturday, I was the prime stereotype of a single woman. I went on a horrible date, so I lied and said my friend had a marriage emergency. And then I ate my leftover food that I had to not eat because my date was done eating. Yes, classic. It wasn't horrible horrible, but it was enough to truly not know how to get out of her kissing me without saying, "I got to go!!!" So...yeah. She hummed while she peed (sp?). Come on! Yeah...yeah. I know. But, anyway, I did have a coffee date with someone this Wednesday but I canceled because of my major assignment (didn't know how long it would take for me to get this done). She seemed really nice, but I figure school is more important than dating. I'm also getting very...apathetic about dating. I just don't feel like dating anymore. It's not out of frustration, but just...not interested anymore. I guess because...well, I don't want to jinx it and I'm not sure about it until I let it marinate...but, yeah, I just don't feel like going on dates anymore and I don't feel like looking anymore. It feels like I've already found that person...but at the same time I am trying to be very, very, very cautious because this is very unheard-of ground. But it feels right at the same time.

I promise I won't be so vague later on about this. But for now, I need to be vague because I need to marinate on it without using words on online blog.

Miscellaneous

Am on new medication for some womanly stuff. Yeah. Anyone ever taken Levora-28? If so, have you found it be okay or horrible? Have you gotten mentally psycho because of it? Or it was just like Yasmin? I was taken off Yasmin because my body got used to the medication. So, she put me on these generics. I'm kind of weary because the last time I was put on something that wasn't from Bayer or a big known pharmaceutic company I became crazy and just got tired of my body with it. So...we'll see. I start them next week, so if in the following weeks and you see me and I am going NUTS or suddenly crying in the middle of something...you may want to suggest me talking to my doctor again.

I finished reading The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie. This is the novel that made the Ayatollah put a hit on his head. I was really curious to see why this novel enraged a whole religious branch and a huge head of Iran. After reading it, I see why. One comment I have is the fact that of all things, at least he could have written it much better. The plot itself and the idea of it is good. But the technical part of the novel was annoying. He didn't like periods half the time. He felt that it would be more artistic to just go off on random tangents. It was annoying. But the idea and the plot was interesting. I am stilling thinking of the concepts that he is arguing or bringing up in concepts of Religion and how religious texts can get perverted.

I am now reading The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson. It was very hard to put the book down to start studying, so I am staying away from it until I am finished with this paper and other projects that need some finessing. It deals with these two historic men and the The World's Fair. One is the architect that is behind the building of the Fair and the other is the serial murderer that created a huge plot of female killings at the Fair. I'm already fifty pages in and I am hooked! Must. Stay. Away.

That's about it. I'll get back to my shawl and my podcast. I have started listening to this knitting podcast called limenviolet (meant to look like that) and am obsessed. I was listening to this one podcast from a company called Knitpicks. It was done by the company's head, Kelly Petkin. She was okay for awhile, but after a hundred episodes she continued to say the SAME EXACT THING. I got bored. And when I hated her interviews. There are interesting interviews and then there are boring interviews. She did the latter. It wasn't even a natural conversation. You can tell the interviewee felt awkward and wanted to get out as soon as possible. But with limenviolet, you feel like they are having conversations with you. Or you are in the middle of a conversation of a knitting group (like my own) and it feels so comfortable! While I'm knitting, I feel like it's Thursday and I'm with my knitting group.

And on that note, see ya!