Pound Stories

That's a picture when I was around 21 years old. By that time I had spent 16 years attempting many diets. There was the all water diet where all I had to eat and drink was water. Those huge Crystal Geyser bottles that they carry at Costco. My dad wondered why we were going through them more when I was a junior in high school. It was me. There was the vegetarian diet. Where I thought if all I had to eat was one lettuce leaf, french fries, and lots of bread I would lose weight. Forget the fact that chicken does count as meat, and you need to exercise along with the cutting of foods to lose weight. But I did try that too. Lost three pounds when I stopped eating breakfast and lunch and started walking to Lake Chabot with my German Shephard, Maxine. Gained it all back when I just realized I love food. I also tried bulemia and found the lovely knowledge that I have no gag reflex. So all the food that I had purged on was staying in that stomach.

So through all that ups and downs of food anxiety/hating/loving, my body went through a good amount of pressure to try to at least survive. It's no wonder that at 177 pounds, my body finally said, "F you" and revolted. When that picture was taken I was in absolute pain from a cyst growing on my ovaries. See, when I was 18 my ob/gyn had put me on birth control pills for a sporadic period. But they didn't go through the diagnosis process and didn't explain to me that I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. They just put me on the pills, told me to take them if I wanted to get a normal period, and went on my merry way. Since it was Kaiser, they also put me on a generic brand to save costs. Lucky me. When I started feeling ill and weird after three years taking them, I decided to stop taking them. They didn't tell me that I needed, so I stopped taking them. I got a normal period for three months, then I stopped getting my period for another three months. At that time I was working at the Women's Resource Center overtime for March and April events, and doing four classes in my degree concentration (that means research papers, reading a book in a week, etc.). I thought it was stress. I figured I would worry about it at the end of the semester.

Wrong. As I said, my body finally said, "ENOUGH!" I ended up at the hospital with major pains. I won't go into how I LOVE Kaiser because of that visit, but I was diagnosed with menstrual cramps. Hah. You forgot that cyst borrowing in my ovaries. But thanks, man. It took four doctor visits and a sonogram to see that what I did have was a cyst (by the sonogram came around, it finally broke and created a flood in the rivers of Jennifer) and that I have PCOS.

Quick explanation before the point: PCOS is an insulin-resistant syndrome (disease, whatever). Either because your pancreas produces too much insulin naturally or trying to overcompensate with slow growth of the body, it then triggers a hormone imbalance (specifically testosterone and progesterone) that then creates a problem in the ovaries. My eggs, naturally, do not fall down to the fallopian tubes. They just stay there every month. So, if three months don't drop down, what do you have? Many little eggs (called mini cysts) that create a big cyst.

So, I had a choice. I could live the same way I was (dieting and purging) or I could change my life radically. When you read studies of how if you don't treat PCOS long term you can develop not only diabetes but heart conditions and cancer...wouldn't you get scared? Well, I did. And that summer I started working out every day. I cut down on what I ate. But I told myself that I wouldn't worry about the food part. I would focus on getting more active.

And it worked.





Nice, huh? That year was the best for me. One, I was finally finishing college. Two, because I was becoming more of who I would become later on. There was still a LOT of work to go through, but at that point I was just worried about getting better.

Then I graduated college, and life happened. That's all I can describe it: life happened. And because I just focused on working out before, I didn't realize it was also a food thing. I still had a horrible relationship with food. It's either I didn't want to eat it (which...was rare, but it did happen), or I wanted to swim in it. The climax was when I was at my last job and all I could to help the pain was eating a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups (not the itty bitty pieces either) in order to cope. Sure, I was working out but my body got used to it. I was eating more calories than I could burn. When I finally realized what was going on, I was back at 177 pounds and without hope.

I needed help. A friend of mine and I were talking about the situation, and she said, "Have you ever heard of Overeating?" I just shrugged it off and said, "I don't have an eating disorder. I just love food." But she showed me a website and asked me questions without me looking. I said "yes" to all but one. And she then showed me the explanation to the questions. I didn't cry. But I realized how horrible a relationship I had with food. Not everyone has this relationship with food. I don't blame anyone for how I was brought up; it's just how it became. My mother's culture thinks of food all the time; that's just how it is. I was taught my dietitians, parents, other people that I needed to lose weight because I was bigger than usual. But if you look at pictures when I was young, I was chubby but I wasn't fat. I was beautiful. Cute. Cuddly. If I had just continued thinking that I was beautiful, stopped fighting with food, than I bet you I would have grown out of it and maybe had a mild/somewhat unhealthy relationship with food.

But, circumstances happen and now I live with this every day of my life. I don't blame the people that told me that I needed to lose weight or that I was ugly because I was fat. Why should I? It's not going to help any. If I need to blame someone, I blame society. But, anyway, I live with this constant push and pull with food. What is a normal portion? What would be better for me? I am craving sugar, is it because I want sugar or is it because I just had a horrible day at work? Should I feel guilty for eating one package of sugar wafers? A slice of bread? Am I hungry or just bored? Thirsty?

I would definitely like to not have to think about it. I would love to just say, "F it" and just go all out and eat whatever I want. And I do. One day. I only allow one day. Then I remember how good it feels to eat well. How great it feels to know that food doesn't control me; I do.

The reason why I am writing all this down (without hiding it) is because I had a quick conversation with some friends this weekend that really triggered this story in my head. One of my friends looked at me with surprise when I said, "I have an eating disorder." They didn't know that part of me. It's because I am ashamed of it. It's not something you admit without feeling like you are trying to grab attention. "Look at me! I have an eating disorder! Look at me! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!" And I felt that way after. I felt like I was just trying to make waves. But at the same time, this is who I am. It's come a loooonnnnggg way to get me here, but I wouldn't trade it any other way.

And, so it goes. Hi, I'm Jennifer. And I have issues with food.



(I'm getting there...)

Games

I like honesty. I prefer honesty in everything. I am the type of person that enjoys blunt honesty. Yes, I'll get butt hurt, but I can cope. I won't kill the messenger or anything.

So, I don't understand the mind games. I just don't. And when I put in my dating profile that I like honesty, I really mean honesty. Not a version of it that involves playing with my heart and making me cry and think something is wrong with me. Not the type that keeps me waiting by my phone thinking, "Just maybe..."

No. As in brutal honesty that trusts me enough to say, "Listen, I'm a little nervous and confused. I need some space to think about it."

As in the honesty that says, "I don't think this is working..."

That type of honesty.

So, with that, I am done. I am not going to wait by my phone. I am not going to say, "Well, maybe she really meant it." No more. I know what's going on. I know that you just want to string me along and keep me second guessing.

And I thought it was cute when you would say, "Should I be jealous?" when I was hanging out with a gal friend of mine. Yeah. That was all a game too, right? To make sure I was hooked? Hooked just right until you pulled away?

And when you said, "Do you still dig me?" I should have said "Maybe..." or "No" so you would keep talking to me, huh?

But, I guess I just am honest to a fault. And I guess you are going to continue to be an idiot and think you got me.

But you don't anymore. You don't. You are gone from my life. That's the lovely thing: I can delete your contact info from my phone. I can take you off my Facebook. I can push that button that says "Delete?" and feel no remorse. Why should I? I know when I am being played. I was played for a good amount of years, and look where it got me. I'm done with games. I am done with your so called "lies".

It's over.

It's over like a charred overdone steak.

It's just over.

And although my heart is slightly sore, I am ready to open it up again. Even though there are probably a ton of people just like you. Probably millions. I may just find every one of them. But I am not going to give you the satisfaction to know that I can't open my heart again. You don't deserve it.

You. Don't. Deserve. It.

"Well this is it now. Everybody get down. This is all I can take. This is how a heart breaks. " ~ Rob Thomas.

And this is from infatuation...

I don't think I can handle anymore of this. I think I'll go back to disappointing coffee dates. My heart doesn't get hurt; just the ego and my nerves.

Square Pegs

I am finding that things really do happen for a reason.

Now, people tend to say that when people are down on their luck or they are just down about their situation. Things happen for a reason. Things will get better. This horrible, sad, tragic thing happened in order to enjoy what will happen.

But, now I can truly say: things happen for a reason.

I didn't know things could come this easily. As I enter my fourth week in Graduate School, I am finding how...easy it is. Well, I can't say it is entirely easy. I had to get used to the hours (I am on the computer every day now), and I had to get used to how much reading I would be doing. It's easy in the fact that I just get it. Well, there have been some subjects that I have gotten a bit confused (Information Retrieval Systems...mind-boggling. Trust me, it's more than what the title suggests), but overall I feel so excited that it just sits in my brain and marinates and becomes one.

Which is, by the way, one definition of "knowledge". Yes, I learned that in Library School. Now, let me ask you, what's the difference between "information" and "knowledge"? Do you believe "knowledge" is a social concept? What can we gain, as Librarians, from social epistemology?

Yes, I love what I am learning. I am not struggling/fighting/trying at all. I don't have to conquer anything.

Because I already had to struggle/fight/try three years ago. I was trying to put a square peg into a round hole, and I tore my soul/heart/brain trying to do just that. I don't miss it, but I wouldn't redo the experience either. If I hadn't struggled, I don't think I would appreciate this moment. This experience. This career-move. I also believe that I finally woke up at that moment. When I fought to try to show everyone I could be a lawyer, I developed discipline. I wouldn't have had the discipline to do this online learning if it wasn't for the fact that I was trying my damnedest to get a high LSAT score. Because I spent three years trying to get into school, I am appreciating this work load so much. I know, it's weird, but I love it.

It's like cutting butter.

And that's why I say now that things really do happen for a reason. It is a cliche for a reason.

Couldn't Sleep. Those Stupid Clowns...

School: Am attemping to catch up after the nice, relaxing Labor Day weekend with the knitting gals. Thankfully I have learned how to read really fast and get the gist of what the article/chapter is about. But I have a group project that I need to catch up on the correspondence on, and some assignments that are due this Monday. Yeah. This weekend will not be for the fun.

Knitting Retreat: Fabulous. Unfortunately, I felt like I was either cantankerous in my sleepiness or a drunk, loud bitch. But it was fabulous. Got a lot of knitting done (as it should be), and watch a lot of movies. Especially lesbian movies. All hail the Casey. It definitely reinstated how much I love my knitting group. I am very happy that circumstances happened and this group formed.

Work: ...it's work? I go in. I do my shit. I leave. I have now come to the point that when things do come up that are done by my counterpart, all I can do the following: look at it, sigh, nod my head, and try to fix it. No outrages. No thoughts of "She's finally going to get it". Just the pure knowledge that it has been done, and now I will most likely get the brunt of it all. But it is worth it because my boss, no matter what, is great. I don't want to say in the public WWW why (the walls have ears), so if you would like to know why she is the most greatest boss in the world, contact me privately.

Love life: ...a lady doesn't tell...yet. ;) Well, a lady can't tell anything when she doesn't have much to tell. But we will see. Again. I was freaking out last night because we had a date and, again, she wasn't getting my hints. I got a peck, but that was it. I wanted so much more then that. It's nice that she listened to me earlier, but now it's different. So, I talked to her. But I kept thinking that maybe I am settling. That I am scared to live alone that I just take the first woman that is interested. But at the same time, I am scared that I'm too scared to go forward. But, we will see. It's not forever. Hopefully our next date will go better. We are going to go see "The Time Traveler's Wife" and get dinner. Let's hope I will have something I won't tell.

I love Pandora. All hail the Quick Mix with slow, sexy woman jazz with M.I.A. and Goo Goo Dolls. Fabulous.

I hate summer. I want my rain. I want my cold weather. I want to wear my sweaters again.

I miss my Bluebird. Been too busy for her lately...we will have to bike tomorrow or this weekend.

That's about it.