I got through midterms (which were during my birthday...was not happy about that) with lots of scratches, bruises, and maybe some sleep-deprivation. But even with all that, I got good grades. This will be my second to last midterm season. I can't wait.
Channeling Sylvia Plath
It seemed for the past few weeks or so I wasn't really myself. I have been going through some tough times: work, money, life. Well, not really life. Life was actually going well. It was the job and money that was pulling me down. I have been trying to find another job because the Sylvan gig is ending soon. And, to be honest, doesn't pay enough for me to survive. But I will not go into that drama. Either way, I need to find another job because I am flat out broke.
Although the job market is getting better, it is still not healthy enough. Especially for libraries. I applied for two library assistant jobs. I interviewed for both jobs. Both weren't as much money as I was hoping for, but I was willing to do it because it was experience. Both turned me down flat. Imagine the frustration.
I'm still looking, and I am determined to apply for at least one job at day. I used to do more a day, doing a more spray-gun method, but it seemed like I was just getting jobs that I was not really interested in and not enough money. I am being more thoughtful about this process.
But with all this, I was just completely down. I was feeling very un-needed, poor, useless, filler, etc. Fill in the blank with the worse adjective you can think of and put it in there. I am not sure if it was because of hormone levels combined with the situation, but I had a hard time pulling myself out of this depression. Now, normally I would not use that word. Yes, that word: depression. Because, for me, depression is just not being really sad. It is so sad that you can't move, do, think, breathe without that monkey on your back. That silly little monkey that says, "You're not good enough" or "Stop being an idiot" or gives you awful images in your brain that you can not shake. Being depressed is a very serious matter to me. So when I use that word it means it is serious. And this was serious. I had to push myself to do things. I would literally tell myself to get out of bed so I could do schoolwork. Now, imagine you have midterms and trying to do this. It's not fun. I just couldn't get myself motivated to do anything. I pushed through, and I got myself to do what needed to be done.
What got me out of this funk was finally reaching out to friends. Taking the sting out of what was going on in my head and heart, and talking it out with my friend. She was very helpful (and I am forever grateful to her...she knows who she is) and really listened to me. I think just talking really put things into perspective for me. It also helped to finally be surrounded by friends. I had been hiding myself lately, so it was good to get some fresh air and see my friends again. Although I am still somewhat hiding this week (this is only because I am conserving gas than hiding), I am still trying to make sure to get some fresh air. I stayed outside all day today in the sunshine with Amie. It was amazing.
The TV Expermintation
Speaking of this week, I have decided to do an experiment. For awhile it seemed like I wasn't turning on my TV. I had been doing some podcast and video podcast research, and so I have been catching up on a lot of these popular podcasts and videos. Because of this I haven't had much time watching my shows. I have had a lot of time with my knitting though. Anyway, I realized on Sunday this phenomenon and thought, "I wonder if I can do that..." So, three days in and I am loving this feeling. I feel the vocabulary expanding, the brain cells increasing, and the information slowly becoming knowledge. It's great.
In this experimentation though I realized that I do watch a lot of TV. I had always accepted it in my life because I live in a culture and environment that focuses on TV. But I wonder if I can at least lessen what I watch. If you looked through the list of shows that I DVR, it is a long list. And if I don't watch it a week (or in this case two to three weeks...) it really adds up. Imagine all of these shows are 1 hour long too. It gets ridiculous how much time I spend trying to catch up on these shows. Yes, I get a lot of knitting done but in the end I feel brain dead.
So I have decided that I am going to get rid of over half of my list. I know. Shocking. I will probably keep some shows that I absolutely adore (Glee. Modern Family. Castle. Parenthood, although they may cancel it...), but I feel that I can get rid of the rest. The Office doesn't need more viewers. It has enough. Other shows that have just started are just not as good anyway. I have kept them on because I feel bad. But why should I feel bad? If they're not good, they will cancel it anyway. I just don't want to waste time on a show that I am not enjoying.
I am hoping this will keep me in this motivated state. I am loving this feeling that I have this week. I am reading more. I also am listening to a podcast called "Craftlit" that reads books to me while I knit. I love it. I think I am going to start looking for audiobooks for when I want to knit. I also have Netflix that has been ill-used because TV shows have taken over my life. If I want to watch a show, I can easily watch it with the 'rents. Or rent it on Netflix. It's not that hard.
This was a surprisingly hard decision to make. TV was something that I was raised on. In a way, TV was the parent that was willing to dish out the dirty stuff that my parents couldn't. I learned what sex was from the TV (Thank you, 90210). I learned the latest fads, etc etc etc. You get the picture. My parents put us in front of the TV so they could get stuff done. My earliest memories were of TV. I remember when we were moving to Castro Valley, they squatted us right in where the family room would be and had us watch the last movie in "Star Wars". The only memory I have when we lived in Hayward was the huge projection TV we used to have. I really was raised with TV. So this is going to be fun.
Real fun.
