This Year

With everything that has happened this past year, I decided I was going to make a list of things for 2011.

1. These adjectives will not be allowed towards me: stupid, lazy, selfish, fat, ugly

2. Nor will the phrase that states I need to think will be permitted to be uttered in my presence without my being able to then defend myself with either sharp words or a huge "I Quit" sign.

3. Also, I will not let people tell me how I think, feel, or should do. I am not a doll. I actually have a brain that knows what to do. I have let people make my own decisions or tell me who I am and that's not right. I can make my own decisions now.

4. I will continue to work on the friendships that matter and let the ones that are toxic to fall away. I have done enough work on them.

5. I will continue to work on my self esteem and body image. I am beautiful, and I don't need to worry about my weight. I would rather be healthy than skinny.

6. No more colds for 2011!

7. Save more, spend less.

8. Have fun! Get schoolwork done in the process.

9. Read more. My poor books have not been loved this year. :(

10. Do more stuff by myself: going to movies, etc. Be ok to spend more me time in public.

I don't think these are resolutions...just guidelines. :) Let's see how it goes!

The Follow Up

Now that everything has calmed down, I should really explain my last post. Also to give an actual update in my life in general! I know I have not been the biggest poster lately.

Okay, what did you quit?

I quit my job. The one that I have had for 2.5 years that has drained, chewed, annihilated my soul to the point where it is hurting my body. After getting a bad cold three months in a row, going to the doctor (that cost me $132) because of inflammation in my chest wall, and having tiny nervous breakdowns in the bathroom (I tried meditating...it didn't work) I finally decided I could not wait until I graduated to quit. After bugging my poor friend until she finally said, "Just shut up and quit already!", I decided that it was finally time.

Now, the thought process on this was a quick and successive one. First, I was going to leave once I got a new job. Then, when things started to get worse, I decided I was going to quit after the holidays no ifs ands or buts. Lastly, when my boss decided to tell me that I needed to think before I prepared my documents (she's done this before), I decided to quit that day. I had to calm down before I could do it (I didn't want staplers flying in the direction of my boss...that would have been messy), but I did it. I was still shaky while doing it, and I think I will always be shaky when thinking that I am going to leave the one place I have known for two and a half years. I know, it sounds ridiculous because it still seems so short. But this was the longest I had been in a job. I think the reason why I stayed so long was because of the fact that I didn't want to be seen as one that always was unhappy. I wanted to prove paper-wise that I was a good worker that stays and does the job right. But the situation could not warrant me the ability to stay much longer. When I went to the doctor she kept saying that all of this is caused by stress.

Now, Kaiser loves to emphasize certain things: obesity, stress, eat right, etc. So when the doctor kept saying it was stress I rolled my eyes silently and went on my merry way. But looking back, it really is stress. Now, I haven't been sick for two and a half years. I think what helped was that I used to sit in an area filled with happier people. Before we moved, I used to sit with people that 1. liked me and 2. would talk to me about things other than work. As we worked we would talk about life, opinions, what's going on. We would share pictures, life stories, etc. We would complain a little: about clients, some of what my boss would do, and stuff that we had to do. But then we would get back to happier things because it was easier to let the crappy stuff roll away for happier things.

But when we moved three months ago, I was forced to sit in a cubicle with a new coworker of mine that 1. did not like me and made sure I knew it and 2. was never happy. Everything was a horrible thing. My boss was terrible. Why did she do this? Why did I do this? Everything was doom and gloom. And don't get me started on the talking/swearing to herself bit. Basically I worked with a pissy parrot that either threw its feces at you or smiled as it did it. I started really dreading coming into work because I would be greated by a grunt and a growl every morning. If I was lucky. The people that I used to work with? Divided by a huge brown wall. I think we all get the picture.

So, it was time. It was either really complain to my boss (who was starting to get into her really foul mood that wouldn't involve good communication) and see if I could try to be moved, or quit. Since I am going to graduate soon and should be getting more library experience, I decided to quit.

The Future!

I wasn't taking too much of a risk. I also am doing a part time temporary job at my old internship at San Mateo County Library, so I would still have that income while I looked for a job. And I was able to find another job really quickly as well. In January I will be starting a part time job as a Center Instructor through Sylvan Learning Center. It is also temporary (lasting until March or May), but this will help pad my resume with more teaching/tutoring skills which is what I need.

You see, I finally decided that I would love to be a Reference and Instruction Librarian at an academic library either at a university/college or community college. I prefer community college though because it is smaller, better pay, and probably has more of the demographics that I would like to work with. I am learning that I love literacy. I love teaching it. I love talking about it. When I had interviewed for my internship I was just BS'ing my way through it. I was more interested in getting any sort of internship, really. And when I got it I kept thinking, "Should I really take this? It is all way in East Palo Alto ("EPA") and I'm not that interested in literacy..." But I took it because something told me that it would lead somewhere. Also, I was interested in teaching. To be honest, I have always been interested in teaching. I have been told though that I don't have the patience. And maybe sometimes I can be a little cross when people don't get what I am teaching. So with this knowledge I was never sure that I could be a teacher. When I got the internship what got me to say yes was the fact that I wanted to see if I would like it or if I could do it. Now I know I do like it and I can do it. And it is not just me that believes it, my peers believe it too. My supervisors and coworkers have all come up to me saying that I do an amazing job. And it must have been true because here I am again helping out while my supervisor is on maternity leave.

So, that's why I took a temporary job rather than wait out for a permanent one. I need more experience, and if I can get it in a job that will carry me through a few months than shoot why not? Better than being in a permanent job like my last one where all I can think of is, "How is this going to help me in the end?" In the end, I am jumping for the right reasons. I feel like for awhile I was jumping or staying for all the wrong reasons. Now it is all for the right reasons and I am immensely happy.

Okay, I'm bored now. What else are you doing?
Nothing, really. My personal life has become my job. School is finished with passing grades (A and A-...yippee!), and my dating life is very stagnant. I am too busy! You try dating with two jobs and school! If you can pull it off while being able to sleep, let me know! That's the one thing that I miss immensely: sleeping. Okay, I know that I don't have kids and that imagine it being 10 times harder, but this has been the busiest I have ever been. If I do have kids, I will probably change my mind. But for now, I am tired and would like to hide in a hole. I have been running around it seems for a long while now, especially in December. Now, I have had some fun in there too so I have sacrificed my sleep for fun. But that's why I think a cave would be great. I love my friends and I am so happy that through all this I have them to lean on and help me look at better things in life. But I think I need some time for myself that involves a lot of knitting, movies, and things that are called pajamas. And maybe some Amie love time because I know he has not been happy with me about leaving him alone all this month. I try to spend time with him, but not enough to satisfy his needy ego.

The Year in Review
Good things, bad things, I jumped out of a plane without dying and crapping my pants, still working on future, finally ending it with such a huge jump I think I will crap my pants but probably just hyperventilate and know it is a good thing. And, it seems, beginning and ending it with Disneyland.

The End. :-D

Iquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquitiquit...


I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah...I'm done. So long. See ya. I'm finished being called stupid, whydon'tithinkyousillylittlegirl.

Done. I quit. I would rather be happy and flat broke than this nonsense.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. Don't think I will stay awhile. I may be nice to you, but don't think I will put up with your shit. Nope. No more. My poor tongue has been bitten so many times it needs a band-aid and stitches.

So long. Farewell. Good-bye. F you.

*done ranting*

THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS WON!!!

According to Wikipedia, the San Francisco Giants have not won the World Series since 1954 when they were the New York Giants.

That has all changed, baby!!!! They won against the Texas Rangers to finally win! They almost made it in 2002, but I believe egos got the best of them. This team of misfits and freaks finally proved to people that this game is not all about who gets the most home runs or who does the best in everything. It is about hard work and dedication. Also, it is the team that wins; it is not the individual. Every single team member won that game today, my friends.

Now, people will think that I am a local who is just crowing because her local team won. People who know me though know that I am not that at all. I started watching when they entered into the World Series in 2002. I was sad that they lost, but was determined that they would next year. Every season I kept watching and kept getting disappointed. But I still was a fan. I fought for them. I went to games and rallied for them. One of my best friends (an Oakland A's fan) and I would get into fun fights over who is best. I have two jerseys and a sweater pronouncing my love for the Giants.

So, there. I have deserved this honor to FINALLY see them win (although, technically I didn't get to see them...I was stuck at my computer doing school...baaaaahhhh. But I say the best part!). So...booyah, bitches. Booyah!

And, to end this marvelous post:

"Eat Pray Love"

When I first read "Eat Pray Love", it was during a time in my life when things just didn't make sense for me. I had been struggling for three years to get my footing after college, and I was realizing that what I wanted wasn't actually what I wanted. I had thought I was taking a chance, but actually I was going down the road that others had wanted for me. So when I read this book, it opened up my eyes to ideas and thoughts that I never thought I could have before. I took out of it the idea of risking everything to find wholeness. After I read that book, I was inspired to find myself as well through risking everything and doing my own path. I quit the job that I absolutely hated. I applied for the Library and Information Science graduate course. I risked everything in order to find my true self.

Well, the movie just came out. I wasn't as excited to see the movie because I don't trust Hollywood when it comes to book adaptations. I was willing to give the movie a try. Not many people wanted to see it with me, so on Sunday I went to my local theater and had a "me" date.

I didn't realize how moved I could be by that movie. It struck a chord that I didn't realize was inside of me. It also brought a lot of emotions up to the surface that I had been trying to keep deep inside me. So I have decided to read it again. But I am reading it in a whole different angle. It is helping with my heartbreak. Helping me open my eyes about my latest relationship and just really helping me bring closure to it all. But I wasn't ready to have this flood of emotion come over me just yet. A lot of anger and bitterness that I had been trying to keep at bay. I am trying not to dwell on it and let it pass, but it has been hard this week. But I am moving forward, letting the emotions ride and then hopefully fall away.

I am also trying to face it with a healthy attitude instead of how I was before. I was realizing that I was trying to not deal with it all with wine, so I am trying not to drink as much wine as I was before. I don't believe I am an alcoholics (they go to meetings), but I do believe I was dealing with everything with an unhealthy attitude. I think the movie and the book is helping me finally come to terms with everything I was trying to hide and bury inside of me.

It is still going to be a rough battle. Although it is helpful to read the book again and find inspiration again, I am still working it all out. But I am confident now that everything will be all right.

Yes, that's right. Everything will be all right.

Anger

I have always had anger problems. I have never understood where it all came from, but it does tend to bubble up and make me feel like a bad person. Agression. Anger. Negative feelings. It comes up and burns the skin, eyes, veins. Thankfully, I have been able to theraupize it to submission.

But sometimes it starts to ooze out of me. And all I want to do is let it all out instead of controlling it with rational/adult thoughts. I want to let it reign over my brain. Become one with my body. Just let it scream and cry into the universe.

I have been having vivid dreams that unfortunately I can't remember the details when I wake up. It hits to the core. It gives me a sucker punch to my gut. It has been bringing up emotions that I have been trying to keep at bay. These emotions that I have been trying to hide because I am a grown up and things happen and I can't change them.

But I want to relish in these emotions today. I want to roll in the stinky bosom of it and languish in its dirty, dirty embraces. I want to stink in its apparent angry stink.

Fuck you, I want to say. Fuck you and your annoyances. Fuck you and your crap. Fuck you and your lies. Fuck you and your charms. Just, fuck you.

I think I liked it better when these emotions were hidden behind the mask of wine and adulthood. I think I will try to go back to that.

And the Madness Begins...

School started yesterday. I had a mini breakdown because of the following story:

A week before school started, I was looking at my syllabi. I found out that my third class was basically a class for those who have no lives. The syllabus even said that many students had found that if they are taking more than one to two classes, had a job, etc. that there was no chance of getting A. Good luck trying for a B. So, knowing my limits, I decided I was going to drop the class and get another class. I picked a class that seemed open, the professor was willing to let me in, and seemed interesting (it was teaching methods, what could go wrong!). I was not allowed to do any registration activity until the first day of school though. Of course, knowing my luck, I have to work on my first day of school. But I made sure before work that I did the adding and the dropping and making sure I got everything set. And I thought everything was golden.

Til I got home. That's when I was going through the course information and documents. I found that the professor does not think linearly. The course was not what I thought it was (non-K through 12 focus was what I wanted. I got K-12 focus), and everything was being done through multiple links and websites. Not conducive for a linear learner. I started hyperventilating. Crying ensued. How could I have done this?????

And then I realized: I have been killing myself with three classes for two semesters, and did not have a break for summer...why should I kill myself now? I will try to find a third class but if not this means destiny is telling me to take an f'ing break. So...I dropped the class. I don't know how Financial Aid is going to handle this, but we will see when it comes to it. I have never understood the idea of how FA worked in the Library program. The administration recommends one to two classes. According to the FA rules, it seems you have to take three to qualify. We will see...

What does this mean in regards to graduation timeline? Nothing. I have to do an extra semester in Summer. Might as well take a second class.

Apparently my mother, through all of this, thinks I am lazy and pretending to be retired. *sigh* I have given up trying to get my mom to understand it all, but she doesn't and I give up. This is MY life, not her's. If she wants to kill herself before 65 she can go ahead. I am going to try to at least last past that without diabetes, arthritis, frozen shoulder, sleep apnea, obesity,...should I go on?

Anyway, here we go!

Hair Drama! And other things a'changing...

After a break-up, what does a woman do? She cuts her hair. Because tattoos are extremely permanent and piercings are something you can get only when you are much younger and experimenting. And so that is what I did.
Unfortunately, what I wanted did not turn out to be what I got. What I wanted was this:

What I got was this:

Thankfully I have great friends with good connections. Once I sent the picture to them they immediately said, "Anthony's Beauty Salon in Oakland! Request for Richard!" Let me say that I am very glad I took their advice. Beause, after much talking through and examining what in heaven's name my mom's beautician did to me, I got this:

Me likey! And, yes, I have to do more styling than I am used to but I feel more confident in this hairstyle. And the comments are flowing in. It is definitely shorter than what I wanted, but everyone tells me that it actually thins out my face rather than plumps it up. But my family has a portrait of all of us in our family room that says at a certain weight and style it does not thin out my fac.

So that leads me to my next change. I was getting fed up at how I was eating. I will not give up the hamburgers, but I will try to eat less of them. And carne asada burritos will definitely have to be put on the side burner (although today I am getting one as a last hurrah to East Palo Alto and my internship). More greens. More fruits. Less grease. Less sugar. Less food in general. I was starting to overeat, and that is something that I want to put a stop to since I now have a shorter haircut that can't hide the extra poundage. What's interesting is that you would think as someone who is sad over something would eat more. I am finding that when I am really sad I don't want to eat. Drinking on the other hand...but I am controlling that too, don't worry my friends. It's when I am stressed or extremely happy that I want to overeat. Stress, common. But happiness? Never thought that could happen. I am not going back to Weight Watchers (can't afford it), but I am going to start monitoring what I am eating. Maybe start doing a food diary again to see what I am putting in my mouth and make myself accountable. As I told someone at work, I am not going to get fat over this break-up. So there!

I was told by a friend that I am in revenge mode. I don't think that's the case. I think it is a case of trying to move on and get the stuff that wasn't working out of my life. Hence why I went through my closet last night and got rid of a lot of my clothes. And that is a feat because I used to have clothes from when I was in high school. Yes, I am a hoarder. Blame the mother who likes to throw away perfectly good sandals when you're not looking *end rant*. There was one sweater that I wanted to give another chance. But, no, I carelessly put it in the bag to be sent to charity. It felt freeing to get rid of all this stuff that has been in my closet for ages. These clothes even traveled with me to Sonoma county and back, but were never worn. It was like getting rid of emotional baggage that is actually physically in front of you. It was freeing.

Of course, I plan to fill it up again. I need sweaters for the winter, don't I?

I feel these changes are going to be good in the long run. I don't know why, but I just do. I needed this change. I am not sure whether it was because of the break up or it was because it was just time. Sometimes I wonder if the Universe has these events happen to kick start you into what you are destined to do. The Universe is telling you, "Think, dammit, think!" and pushes you towards these events. There is always free will, but there is also that hidden hand that somehow always comes into my life and says, "No, I know you want this but..." Because, honestly, I can't imagine shit just happening. It happens for a reason, and the reasoning is just not apparent when you are in the midst of it blowing up and stinking in your face. So, we will see where these things lead me. I am letting everything just settle down and seeing where it takes me.

While I do that, I enjoy me my wine. Don't judge. You know you would do it too.

A Rant

This post was going to be about how I feel all right and the adventure of cutting my hair. But I just had dinner with a mutual friend of the ex and right now I am still fuming.

What is wrong about wanting marriage? About wanting commitment? Why is it considered crazy to wonder if you should devote time to the relationship about three months? After seven months? Why is wrong for me to want that in life? Why am I considered crazy for wanting that?

What happened to wanting that type of lifestyle? There is being open minded and wanting different things in life and looking outside the box for living a life with someone. But when did it become the norm to shun those who wanted marriage and commitment? When did it become a crazy notion to want marriage and commitment?

Maybe I am generalizing, but it is frustrating to find that it seems there are no lesbians or queer women out there that want commitment. The ones who do are already taken!

I think I need to widen my queer circle. Find more lesbians or queer women that think like me. Because this is ridiculous...I am tired of people telling me that I am crazy when I know I am not!

Or maybe I am...but for other reasons! :-D

Life goes on

Got past the sad, anger, and drunk phase. Now am compiling a new list. This time not vague! Am realizing I am too compromising. Need to be firm in what I want. Am working on it.

But this for a future not too soon. Need to grieve some more. Need to give some time for me.

Also, I really don't want to go back out there yet. Would really like it if I could do dating like how fast food is: you can get it in your car quick and fast. But, then again, there is the regret after...but, eh. Too lazy.

Am sad...but am okay with it all. Just miss the friendship. Got used to it all. Sad that it won't be like how it used to be. Maybe it will be many years from now. But...we will see.

Oh well

Everything must come to end. Too bad it hurts and makes you an insomniac. Life goes on, I guess.

The Burn

I am starting to feel the burn. The wanting to just sit in front of the TV and do nothing at all. Maybe knitting. Maybe reading. But, really, to do absolutely nothing at all.

I was afraid that would happen when this last semester would end and I would have that brief moment of relaxation. So, I avoided it. Tried to make sure that I was busy with my internship and life.

But then July 4th weekend happened. And it began. The feeling of...nothing. The feeling of relaxation. It felt good. It felt great.

But now I just don't want to do anything. I did do the necessary chores this last weekend. And now it has left my body in tatters. Now, with the attitude of not wanting to do anything, it is hard to feel like enthusiasm about anything (internship or otherwise).

And so the burn has become. And am attempting to fight it back. Hopefully a good night's sleep will cool the burn.

Look, a real post!

Yes, I finally updating this blog with more than just one weird paragraph that is either angsty or incoherent! :)

School
Spring semester ended with much enjoyment. I got a 3.9 (those darn A-). I am just happy that I passed. I was starting to go crazy with the mad studying, working, and trying to be a good girlfriend.

I am not fully out of school now. I am interning at the San Mateo County Library. I am specifically working in their Literacy department. I am tutoring ESL students, specifically adults, and reading to children. I am also working on getting some workshops dealing with information literacy (something I have started gaining interest in during the spring semester). So far it has been great. I love my two learners, and one of them made it to his goal! He says it is because of me, but I know it took a lot of work to get there.

Life
Life is good! Nothing much to say. The girlfriend and I are doing well. Some bumps, but we are working on it. I am very happy with where my life is going. I am getting more and more excited about when I am finished with grad school and going forward in my career. I am also looking forward to being able to get my feet fully on the ground and be able to move out of my parent's house. Although I am very grateful that they let me stay with them, I would like to start having my own household. I feel that it is definitely time. Soon. Soon.

Books
Now that I am not doing any homework or studying, I am reading a lot of books. I finished three amazing books: "Water for Elephants" "The Night Watch", and "Bonk". Now I am going into my literature with D.H. Lawrence. I find it funny that I go from a book that delves into the study of sex (very blunt and with lots of technical terms) and then I go into a novel that insinuates all things sexual with metaphors. It's fun! It's like, "Guess where the sexual innuendos are!" I love it. It makes me want to write again...

All right...on to my next adventure!

I am so tired of being pushed away. Pushed away from friends. From everyone. Why has it become so hard to find any relationship (friendship or otherwise) that just stays? It doesn't involve people lying or not bothering to reply. Why is it so hard to find someone that will always be there, no matter what?

Yes, I have issues. I know. But I am tired of always finding myself the pushed end of things. Always that distance. I hate it. O always have. It seems that I haven't gotten used to the seasonal thing. It's either I am in or insufferable.

It is true. No matter how many people you fill your life with, you can still be lonely as fuck. Especially if they all have decided to never reply back.

It's sad to look back at everyone you call a friend (even with all the great things happening in your life) and find only a very small group of people that would truly help you in a crisis. I had thought that part of my life is over, but apparently it still continues. Ah well. Life goes on, I guess.

I am just tired, that's all.

Yes, I jumped out of a plane and survived.

I am alive. Does that count?

School is coming to a close...allllmmmoooooosssttt done. And I want to really yell at one professor that hasn't even caught up with her own work...why does she think it smart that she should add more to OUR plate? Gargh. But anyway...am attempting to finish everything up.

I am going into hiding til I am done! 

WTH

So today was not the best day. And since no one at work knows about this blog (and I made sure Facebook will not automatically update it to my wall), I can freely rant and rave.

See that picture? Yeah. That's how my boss treats me. It is either sugary requests like "Could you please take time out of your busy schedule to to help me with [fill in whatever ridiculous thing she wants me to do to sacrifice my graduate school time]" or the above example.  I am sorry. You want me to help you out or you want me to leave? Because this picture suggests you want the ONLY WORKER THAT CAN DO THE JOB RIGHT to leave. Without me, you would be fucking up left and right. I am the ONLY WORKER that doesn't leave in the middle of the day for lunch. I am the ONLY WORKER that is willing to go all the way to help your law firm. But apparently I don't think. I am too stupid for you. Forget the fact that I catch almost all of your workers' (AND YOUR'S) errors. Oh, forget that. I just don't think. You and others, they were being human. I? I wasn't thinking.

What the picture doesn't show is the fact that I prepared the whole entire document from scratch. I was told to prep that document based on a case that we used to have (which, by the way, I remembered...because I am the only one that has a good memory). I converted it to the case that we were handling now, using the numbers and the correct information that I had. But when you have been doing paperwork all day (I was given this at 2:30 p.m.) and haven't eaten much...you miss things. You know, I am human. I make mistakes. So, I missed a little bit about the breakdown of payments. That's why people review the paperwork: to make sure there are no mistakes. It does not warrant you to write that. It wasn't that you had to cross out the whole entire document and wanted me do it all over again. You crossed out two lines that I missed. Because, heaven forbid, I forget sections! I am not thinking! DEAR GOD, CALL THE COPS JENNIFER ISN'T THINKING BECAUSE SHE MISSED TWO LINES ON A 20 LINE PLEADING PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that wasn't the half of it. That was what broke the camel's back. Earlier that day, I was minding my own business. I was working, like most people do when they are at work. The thing is that the front area gets along with each other. While we work on dreary legal work, we do talk. Anyway, I was silently working on my motions when my coworker Renee asked me a question. I answered, but I kept going with my work. And then my other coworker Jasmin asked me a question, and I was trying to answer her question when Mary came up to me (not to the group but to ME) and said "You need to quiet down."

Okay...seriously? I was asked a question. I answered. That's what normal human beings do. Unlike my counterpart, I don't ignore people. I acknowledge that they asked a question and I answer. That is why people like me there: I am nice and I actually talk. And I was not loud at all. I was not screaming. I was softly (and that's a miracle) singing a song when she yelled at me. What also annoys me is that it wasn't directed to the group, "Hey, I am working on something could you guys be a little quieter?" it was "You need to be more quiet." Ummmmmmm...not the ONLY ONE HERE...why are you singling me out?

I am not sure what is going on. I have a feeling that this is punishment for my standing up to her. I also asked for more time off at work. Instead of a full Friday, I am only coming in half days in the afternoon. This is all for my school. This is not to go goof off or lie around in laziness. I need it for school. Because, in the end, school is more important than this job. School = Career = NO LAW. School also = NO LAWYERS. I was getting overwhelmed in school, so I stood up and said, "Enough." And I don't think she likes it. Heaven forbid that I don't do more for this bloody job.

It just doesn't make sense. She praises and rewards laziness (i.e. my coworkers), but she punishes those that are doing the work. I work hard (maybe too hard in my opinion) to help her out with the work. Every day, I strive to get that inbox manageable for the next person. And every workday I come in and find nothing done. Stories of how the other Jennifer had left right after Mary left. Talk about how things were returned or not done because...mysteries abound. Today was no different. I come in and there is a note from Mary that says the other Jennifer left a message with one of the courts and didn't leave any information about the case. So who knows what she is talking about. Also, a stipulation filed wasn't filed correctly because she didn't file an order with the stipulation. How long have you worked here? Haven't you figured it out that when you file a stipulation YOU FILE AN ORDER?????? The only reason why we won't file an order is if the case is a Chapter 11, but this obviously was NOT a Chapter 11. (Of course, you guys wouldn't know that...but it was obvious). But, of course, because I am the observant one and brings it to her attention I am the one that gets the brunt of it all. Although I wasn't the one that filed the paperwork, I get the brunt of it. I am the one that doesn't think. So maybe I won't bring things to her attention in the future. Obviously it only brings the pain to me, not to the person responsible for the nonsense.

It is obvious that I am not dumb. I do think. I think everyday at work. I know more about my job than the person that is supposed to be my supervisor who reviews our paperwork. I know and think more than my counterpart. But, to her? I don't think. I am dumb.

What doesn't help is that I have no advocates at work. Not true advocates. Jasmin, no matter how much we get along, will always fight for her niece. The people that do like me have no say when it comes to my boss. I mean, shoot, I think Jasmin is gunning for me too. Friday is Good Friday and the other law firms are leaving an hour and a half early. Jasmin told me that since I come in the afternoon that because everyone is leaving early might as well not come in. I asked her if Mary thought that was okay. She said yes. She also said that Mary was leaving that Thursday afternoon, and that it is usually quiet on Friday so might as well. She said it was a waste of three hours. Luckily, I said something about not coming in on Friday in front of Mary and she said, "No, I need you to come in on Friday". I made sure she knew that I had no idea, that I asked Jasmin if it was okay with her...but I don't know. Again, although I was innocent in all these matters, I am dealt with the brunt of her wrath. I am the bad person that doesn't want to work. When I am more than willing to come in if she needs me on Friday afternoon. That is my normally scheduled hours. I was just told not to come in by Jasmin, and she confirmed that Mary was okay with it. But whatever.

I have been trying so hard to bite my tongue about all this. I would like to say so many things to her, but I know that I can't if I want to keep my job. Shoot, I wish I could leave this job and find a better one...but life does not present itself with another option. I have to bite my tongue another year and a half before I can finally find another job that involves library services. Until then, I can only shake this all off (by ranting it all out and listening to angry music) and just move on to the next day. I just hope that on Friday I don't have to see her. Because I don't think one day will get over this rudeness. I think a whole entire weekend will have to pass before I can calm down. Because, I'm sorry, but you don't question my intelligence. You don't. You can make fun of my exterior, you can pick on my silliness, you can even pick on my math skills. But if you question my intelligence in total? Be prepared to get a verbal kick in the ass. Because I have had to work hard to prove my intelligence. I may be lazy, but I am not dumb. I do think. I think every day, every minute, every second. I think of how libraries can evolve into amazing systems of information and knowledge. I think of how our world could be incredibly better if we enacted certain political theories. I think of so many things.

Don't try to tell me that I don't think. Or I will show you many examples of when you DON'T think.

Stand Your Ground, Woman!

When I started my second semester of school, I had told my boss that I won't be able to come in on my days off. I knew this semester was going to be more difficult because I am taking higher numbered courses which equals a more difficult course load. And she seemed fine with it. She understood.

But I think that was her just dismissing it to me being silly.

When my supervisor took the day off for her birthday, she didn't bother. She knew I would say no. But last week, she asked me to come in a half day for the other Jennifer because she had to do school. I thought because it was a half day I could do it. But I couldn't. I was not only getting over a cold, I didn't realize that I had two major assignments due that week. So I was going to work and doing school work all that week. I finally got so exhausted that I said "That's it!" and called in sick on Friday.

That Friday was the best day ever too. I got homework done. I got other chores done. I was able to organize my LIFE. And that's when I realized that I was falling into the same pattern. I mean, the people and the situations were different, but I was again not living my life to the fullest. I was letting work stress me out because I was letting it rule my life. And that was the whole entire reason why I quit my last job: so I can live my life to the fullest and not let a job rule my life. When I was not in school, I was able to do that with my job. I went in and then I left. If I had to work extra hours, that was fine because I didn't have to juggle.

But now that I started school, I need those days off because I schedule my school around work. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't I schedule work around school? School is not my whole entire life, but it is a means to a better job and a better career. In my head, school is more important than this job. So why am I back-bending for this job to appease them? Why am I sacrificing my school time when they can not time manage well?

So, after doing the numbers and figuring things out, I figured out today that I can survive with only working two days instead of three. As my lady said, might as well work less and finish school faster so I can get to my career faster. So I set it in my mind that I would talk to my boss about cutting my hours.

And then I look at my email and find an email from my boss asking me if I can come in on Tuesday. For Easter baskets. It's like because I said okay to a half day I would be fine with a whole day. Even though I was doing it as a favor to the other girl for her school (because maybe one day she will do ME a favor for my school). My school is just not important, apparently. Forget the fact that I was so exhausted that I had to call in sick on Friday. Nahhhh, she needs to come in to work so she can do god damn Easter baskets.

*calming down*

I stood my ground though. I said, "No, I won't be able to come in because I have to study." That's all I said. I was thinking of also saying, "By the way, I want less hours" but I was told that it may be better to tell her in person. Which I agree. But I am scared that I will forget or I will chicken out. But I have to do this. Because if I don't I will keep making the same mistakes over and over.

I don't like how I become when I am stressed or exhausted. I don't like how angry I get. I don't like it. I want to go through life happy and calm. But I can't do that if I am spending most of my time fighting with my boss to keep my days off. It feels like she thinks my school is not as good as the other girl's (even though she is just doing community college and is doing general ed). She is allowed her days off. Why can't I?

I am standing my ground. I am not going to let her boss (ha ha) me around. And if she decides that this isn't conducive to her law firm, then this is another reason for me to leave and me to finally suck it up and find a job closer to my career. But, we will see.

No more!

Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was fantabulous! Had a lot of fun.

And I got me some yummy treats from my sweet. :)

Great way to celebrate my 26th birthday.

:-D

I love coming home from a long day of cleaning, studying, and roller derbying (even watching is exhausting), and still smiling because I can still remember her lips on mine. And her words of saying, "You're the best girlfriend ever!" because I gave her a box of Girl Scout cookies (Samoas...her favorite).

Knitting to save the soul

So today was a day of breakthroughs and putting fire under butt to go towards better.

But while I wait for the results, what will keep me sane?

Yarn!

Knitting!

Location : 3066 Todd Ct, Castro Valley, CA 94546,

Rumblings and Tumblings

Some workdays I feel happy at the end of the day that I 1.) earned an honest buck, 2.) enjoyed 7.5 hours with amazing women and 3.) got to show off my mad legal skills.

Some workdays I find myself in a curled ball and a tight knot in my chest wanting to just get my library degree so I can finally get out of this legal hell hole. Or become a full time student who traffics body/cocaine/people to pay for the bills. Ah, but then that means I will go to jail. Prefer not to.

There are times when I find myself letting go of the worries/frets/concerns and just letting it float, float, float into the outer space. Finally relaxing and becoming one with the feeling of that intangible being called happiness.

Then I remember that it can be taken away just like that and I am afraid I become one, instead, with the worries/frets/concerns.

I build a wall around my heart because it has been torn a little. Broken in little bits, then put together by cheap-ass glue. Then broken again, again, again. With every promise comes the let down walls then the quick retrieval up because the promises became empty words. I am scared this will happen again.

So although I feel so safe. Secure. Happy with this moment and time and place. I can not break the wall. I can not let it fall again to then reconstruct it with each tear. Not until the promise becomes solid words. Solid phrases, sentences, paragraphs.

I'll just enjoy the ride while it lasts.

The Strength of Anger

I have been feeling a lot of anger towards my job lately. Maybe because I realize I overstayed my welcome there. Well, more like I feel way too comfortable there. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I find another one that is more suitable to where I am going. A year and a few months later I find myself ensconced in the infrastructure and no way out. Well, I always have a way out, but that would mean another financial dip. I can't do that again.

I got comfortable because I had to adopt this mentality of "I don't care". If I cared, I would be stressed, tired, and just not happy. I wanted to just be happy and worry about the ramifications of it all later. In my mind, I was going to school and this wasn't the time to be picky when it came to income acquirement. I had my school, that's all that mattered.

But lately, I have been wanting to have more fulfillment in my job. It doesn't help that I have been told that I need to start networking in the library world, and that many people have the upper hand when they work at a library already. Great. Thanks. I tried! But they hired other people that probably don't care about the library institution. I thought I could go back to volunteering at the Castro Valley Library, but I realize that that is going to be hard to fit in my schedule. I am starting to look at internships and opening my mind more about volunteering again. It would be nice though if Destiny/Higher Being could help me out a little bit and give a branch. But, I know in the end I have to at least put the effort out there.

But even with all this effort, I still feel so angry. I thought I was going to be done with the stupidity of law. I really thought I would have been out by now. Circumstances just developed otherwise, and I am trying to put on a happy face and realize that this may have to be my reality until I finish school.

It's just incredibly hard. Especially when lately I either am told that I am not doing my job right (even though, I am the one who is doing it right and my work-sharing partner is the idiot) or I am doing my job and my supervisors. I also feel like I am being punished for putting my foot down and saying that I will not come in on my days off unless it is at least a Thursday. This is my second semester of my first year, and I have a feeling that it is going to be difficult. I am looking at all my syllubi and I know that I will need a lot more time put aside for school. And, I hate to admit it, dating does take up some of my time as well as being able to spend time with my friends. And, in the end, my job is not a priority. I hate to say it, but it isn't. It's not my life. In the end, it is probably at the bottom of my list. I am always willing to help, but not at the expense of my school, family, friends, and etc. It's a thing that gives me the money so I can pay for my stuff. So, I put my foot down this time and said, "I can not come in on Tuesdays. I can try to do Thursdays, but not on Tuesdays." I made it an absolute. It seemed like my boss was okay with that, but now I can see she is punishing me. All of today I was running around with what I term as "busy" work. The things she pulled out of her butt on Saturday that she thought of randomly. Some of it are things that should be put in my inbox, but others are things that should have been put in my supervisor's box. I had to review my own motions because my supervisor was too "busy". Come on. And when I came to say goodbye, she looked at me and said, "So, is it okay?" (i.e. do you need to come in? Should I make you work???) and I said, "No, it's manageable. I was able to get everything done." And she looked shocked. Heaven forbid I actually do work!

But, the thing is the reason why we have been so "busy" is because my work sharing partner sits on her butt on her days in and texts non stop and then leaves early. So then that means she HAS to come in and basically do what she didn't get done yesterday. She is seen as the champion, and I the chump for saying I can not come in. But, again, I don't care. This is not my life. This is something that gives me income while I work on getting my career afloat.

I am just realizing that I am too comfortable and I should start feeling the fear. The fear of leaving and finally moving on to another part in my life. I know, that sounds stupid because I am almost done with school and I can move on officially.

But in these times where I am going to lose my healthcare and I need more experience in library and information science...maybe I need to be stupid just once.

Well, okay, maybe this isn't my first time being stupid. But we will see.