Don't ever let me drink appletinis ever again. Especially in a fun drag queen bar and restaurant. Or let me drink shots that have the words "purple" or "hooter" in it.

The memories are slowly coming back to me. And my face is now permanently red. It will be like that for maybe three months now.

I feel soooo stupid right now. I tried to do some henna therapy for my hair to add some shine and color (red in sunshine, ahhhh!), but of course, something happened! I kept saying, "Why isn't it becoming liquid???" I made a mess of the kitchen, was almost in tears.

Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.

I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.

I really want to eat.

I miss being close to someone. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way. It used to be okay to have best friends, to have someone so close to you that it was hard to imagine a life without that person. When you are young, you don't have to worry about these things called boundaries and rules and regulations. You were just someone's friend, and you were so close that you can read their minds sometimes.

I miss that.

As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.

Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.

But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.

And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.

But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.

It just gets damn lonely sometimes.

Obviously,
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.

Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.

The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.

While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.

Religious Fanaticism?

Life is good. I've been working full time since the end of May, so I haven't had too much time for myself. Our office has been crazy busy too. This week was supposed to be a normal week for me, but we were swamped with paperwork that I came in to help the other Jennifer catch up. But starting next week the Jasmin is going on vacation (again), so I will be taking over til she comes back. And then my boss is leaving for vacation, so I will be taking over that desk (well, not literally...not a lawyer) to keep up. She is supposed to be back the second week of July. Then...I get to go on vacation! Our office is hilarious in the fact that we all piggy-backed on each other's vacations. It started with the other Jennifer from Memorial Day til this Monday, then Jasmin for the two weeks, then Mary for another two weeks, then me for a week! Although I complain (I am who I am), I do enjoy my job. We've been crazy busy, but I feel so much better after this job then any of my other jobs. I respect my co-workers, and I know that Mary would never try to cheat me.

School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.

Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.

I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.

And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.

And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.

And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."

That's pretty eeire to me.

Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.