Sober

I've been wanting to write in here, but every time I sit down in front of the computer it falls out of my head. Like now. But I decided to push myself this time.

Weight Watchers
I'm doing all right so far. I've lost 7 pounds since I started, but I am definitely slowing down. It may also be because I've been eating a little less healthy. I think this is good for me because I want to have a good relationship with food, rather then deny myself something. I would rather have a healthy attitude then be skinny. I am also noticing that my non-WW friends and family are getting tired of Points talk.

Knitting
I'm finally finishing up my fuzzy wuzzy cardigan. I'm sewing it up as we speak. Just needed to take a break from it. I need to get buttons for it though. I'm also finished with my friend's slippers. Just need to start on the second one, and get sticky stuff for the bottom.

I'm also spinning up some very nice black, pink, and blue yarn. This will be my first project that will be navajo plied. I'm very, very excited. I've been trying to take a break from it this week, but I will definitely be craving for it next week.

Etc.
I put a posting on Craigslist in the women seeking women section again. I haven't had much luck the couple of times, but I think this time I worded my posting just right. I did get a couple of skanks, but then I got an email from a very nice woman. We've been emailing back and forth, and now we are going to meet on Monday. Now, I'm not sure if it will go anywhere but at least it will be nice to go out. Now, I know she may be a mass murderer...hence why we are meeting in a crowded Starbucks. I'm a little nervous, but I figure it won't be that bad.

I'm also meeting up with a woman that I met through my Bi Women's Group on Saturday. We're just going to The Lexington, grab a drink or so. We're just going to be friends, so it will be nice to meet another queer woman.

Through all these experiences, I've been noticing how I would like to be in a relationship but I haven't found that woman yet. Both of these women seem nice, but I don't feel anything. I don't feel like I'm going to experience the next big thing. I guess I'm non-chalant about it all. I think I posted the ad because I wanted to experience Queer Women connection. My life is a little hectic to really have a true relationship, I think. Or maybe this is me being scared again. Scared of experiencing anything.

I just wish I could finally get my first girl kiss over with. Or finally experience my first great kiss. That would be nice.

Anyway, that's what's going on so far in my life. Now, back to my knitting! :)

What I Miss the Most on Weight Watchers...

I miss eating.

Not that I don't eat on Weight Watchers. I eat plenty. I eat really good-for-me food that fills the stomach and not gain extra poundage.

I just miss eating simply without worry of points and calories and wondering whether it would be healthier to eat another option.

I miss biting into garlic bread and not thinking, "Oops, I think I am going to regret this later in points value."

What I don't miss? Feeling guilty when I eat food. I didn't realize how horrible a relationship I had with food until I thought about joining Weight Watchers. Whenever I ate lots of food and felt extremely full, I felt guilty for eating. Or when I ate wonderfully rich chocolate cake, I would feel absolutely happy and wonder, "Why can't I feel this in life?"

On Sunday, I ate a third of a Chocolate Lava Cake. I budgeted, knew that I would have to use some of my flex points. And I didn't feel guilty. I felt great. I thought, "Hey, I didn't eat it all. I had my sister and dad helping me out. I didn't want to eat it all in one sitting. I ate it. Enjoyed it. And didn't eat it all." This has been the first time I did not feel guilty after eating chocolate.

I don't miss that feeling at all.

I don't miss feeling like a failure every time I bite into carbs.

I don't miss the feeling of being overstuffed and not able to think of moving.

I don't miss the feeling of being so lethargic that I can't do what I want to do.

I don't miss that feeling.

So, yes, I do miss eating garlic bread without feeling a little uneasy about my Points allowance. And I do miss eating without thinking of points and calories. But it is worth worrying about calories and Points then feeling that bad about food. And if this finally gets me to be okay with food, then this will be all worth it in the end.

Because for the first time ever, I actually reached for an apple for a snack. And felt satisfied. No guilt. No need for happiness. Just simply satisfied.

It felt great.