Hello, I am Jennifer

I have a problem when it comes to food. I have been denying it for a long time. I just stress ate. That's all. I can control it when I want to. When I want to, I can control my urges quite nicely.

But that's the problem when you are a stress eater. How can you control something that is controlled by an impulse? How can you say, "I don't need that donut" when all you can think of is how that donut will feel in your belly, calming that roil and toil of your stomach?

What I am finding that when I am stressed, I eat. And I don't eat just one thing. I eat the whole entire box and then some. I will eat a whole entire bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. And I am not talking about the mini ass things; I am talking about a whole entire cup. In a medium sized bag. Think of those Halloween packs. I can eat that all day. I can also eat a humongous red velvet cupcake with cream cheese frosting. I can also eat fried foods. I can also eat a double double with cheese and an extra side of fries. Oh, don't forget the Neapolitan milkshake. And that's just breakfast.

The past few weeks I have been finding those demons that want all that. And I have been letting them talk. Hard. I haven't counted points every other day, sometimes more. On the days I stopped counting, I would eat Indian food (good, but lots of cream), chips, wine (lots and lots of wine), and chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Today I hit hard. I just let go. I ate my good breakfast. And I ate my low fat string cheese, apple slices, and my Boca burger. But then as the stress heightened, I ate those donuts. I ate that cheesecake. I ate that fried fish with french fries. I am only allowed 22 points a day. I ate 38.5. And that's because I only said I ate one donut. And I thought, "What happened to self control?" My co-workers are always amazed when I will say no to donuts and In N Out and McDonalds. But they don't see how hard I want to say, "Yes." And I get so resentful of the fact that I can't have what I want.

So, it implodes into this huge massive binge that creates guilt and frustration. I've been trying to have a healthy aspect with food, but I am finding it is extremely hard when I am stressed. My therapist had taught me a breathing exercise a long time, but let me tell you it is hard to breathe when you have a lawyer breathing down your neck. Of course, that's how it is everywhere in the world. So I have been trying to breathe. Just breathe. I will go into the copy room and just try to relax my brain. Let the flow of the copier just egg away the heightened blood pressure. But then someone is waiting for me to finish, and I have Mary always asking me a question.

Then I try eating lunch. I can't go anywhere, so I try the best that I can. I clear my desk completely. I will answer work questions, but I will not work at all. I will eat the food and just think of nothing. And I relax. I don't need that donut. I don't need that cookie. I don't need chocolate at all. It lasts only ten minutes though; I am back in front of the computer trying so hard not to cry whenever my pile keeps piling up, more and more.

I know that everyone slips up on their diets. I know that I am human and can only take so much. But I was doing so good. Then I slipped. It wasn't horrible. It wasn't a humongous deal. It was a little tiny slip that lasted for two weeks. I just can't stop thinking that it will become even more. I am so scared to go back to that area in my mind. So I am trying to admit that this is not just a slip. That this is a continuous problem that I need to figure out how to fix. There are some ideas that I plan to use. But for now I can only admit this:

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I am an Overeater. I have had this eating disorder so long that I can't remember not having it. I have tried solving it by starving myself or throwing up with no avail. But now I am here; hoping to find some sort of salvation for this.