Perfection

Someday I will not want perfection. Someday I will not run my matches through my high standards of want. Someday I will actually like a woman that is good for me and actually likes me.

Yeah, sure. And I will suddenly have my hair change a bright orange and blue with spots without my help.

I know this is the usual thing with dating, but it seems like it is my personal journey. I know, how arrogant of me. But it seems like I either settle down and just date the ones that don't excite me, or I run after the ones that are horribly bad for me. Even when I am specifically dating women, I do the same thing. It's this personality trait that I can't seem to shake. I would like it to just change and I actually am attracted to the good people.

I'm in this situation that I know how to handle, but I hate it. I had a nice date with one of the ladies I mentioned earlier. It was nice, and she was great and drove an hour and twenty minutes to see me. She is warm, and seems like she and I could get along great. But there was no spark. I didn't cringe when I met her, but I didn't feel anything physical coming from my gut. I felt like I was talking with a friend instead of a potential date. I've been trying not to overanalyze, but it is hard. I want to do what I normally do and just try another date. But my gut and heart is telling me, "No, don't do it. You did it once before, and you hurt people."

Sometimes I wonder if I psyche myself to feel this way. I wasn't as excited to meet her because I felt from the emails that I would feel this way. I just wanted to see how we acted in person because you could feel different in person. But I felt the same way in person. I felt like she was cool, but no desire to jump her. Now, I know a good relationship starts with friendship...but shouldn't you feel at least like it is a possibility? Shouldn't you want to say, "Huh, she's nice looking..."?

In the end, I am looking for perfection. And that really startles me because she and I touched that in our date. She and I were talking about my dating record, and she asked me why I never got involved with a woman. I said, "I'm picky. I am looking for perfection." And she said, "Are you still?" And I paused and then lied. But I will always look for perfection. Maybe that's a path that will never succeed, but ah well. I want someone to be great personality wise and physical wise. I want to be able to say, "You're cute" and also be able to be inspired by her personality.

I know. I am doomed. I just don't want to be with someone. And maybe that's the thing; maybe I am hiding from something. Or maybe I just suck at dating. That's just who I am. I have tried to change, but it's hard. Maybe I can, or maybe I will stuck in singlehood for the rest of my life. I think I am fine with that though. Until Christmas and Valentine's Day comes around, and I will be curmudgeonly. But that's just how life is, and I will accept it in the end.

I know. I am doomed.