An Exciting Turn of Events

Two months in to the year and already so many things have happened to me. Not all good, not all bad either. I'm enjoying this new lease on life, and fully embracing the idea of living life honestly and positively. There have been some bumps in the road though. Last week was especially a huge test for me. After a great ride with the new bike group I joined, I went to a social event with the same group. The restaurant was located in Oakland, which has never been a problem for me. Oakland has become my stomping ground since I moved back from Sonoma county. It used to be this safe area where I could hang out with a lot of people. I tended to have a lot of my dates there as well. Well, that night that bubble got burst. I was not hurt, but my car was. Someone broke the passenger side glass window and stole my GPS and Ipod. My mind didn't go to my stuff though. I honestly did not care that they took that. Go ahead, enjoy it with whatever you are plan to do with it (probably sold off by now to help feed their stomach/addiction). But they broke my sanctuary and safe zone. Now any time I park my car, I start to panic. Especially when it is in an area that in my head is not the best area. But so far it hasn't been touched (maybe because the car has now been marked as no longer a car theft virgin...), and I am learning to let it go. But it definitely made me rethink living in Oakland. I've decided that I could not live in the area that always makes me panic. I still will go to things there, but it definitely made me aware that I am still so naive about certain things. This was apparent when others were telling me stories of when their car was broken into. I did not realize that that was a right of passage in order to be an adult. Even my parents (which I was expecting a huge blow up) said, "It happens to all of us..." Unfortunately, I did lose my cool and was all negative and dramatic. But I saw what I was doing, and tried to let it go. I think I'm almost there.

The other event last week hit a nerve for me. I joined a book club recently (I'm in a joining mood now that I am done with school), and went to the first meeting that Sunday. I had thought it went well: I was enjoying the socializing part, and I had thought I was pretty chill and not too loud or obnoxious. But there was an incident during the club business that could have lead to my being kicked out. Yes, I got kicked out of a book club. Can you believe that you can still get kicked out of clubs at 27/28? They were discussing the big numbers in their clubs, and they had some suggestions that didn't give me the most welcoming feeling in the world. And since I am living honestly and not letting things fester, I had thought I approached everyone with my feelings that some of these suggestions are making me feel un-welcomed as a new member. I guess I wasn't welcomed because they kicked me out the next day. I did send them a message asking why (all I got was that I "wasn't a good fit for their group"), but of course they haven't answered back. This even struck a nerve because I do have an insecurity in regards to be accepted. I'm slowly accepting that I am who I am, and if people don't like/love me then they aren't right for me anyway. But it was a group of very nice lesbian women...my people, you know? And I was rejected. It made me feel like I was back in junior high/high school when I was attempting to accept myself as well as attempt to find people like me. It also hit me hard because there are some parts of me that I am still accepting as who I am. I always feel like I am obnoxious when I am in social mode. Sometimes I feel my laugh is too loud, or I say the stupidest things in the world. But that is who I am. And this definitely reminded me that if people don't like it, then they obviously are not the right people for me. Lesbians don't always have to like other lesbians, right? Right? Anyway, this other event hit me hard too.

But these events are relatively small in comparison to a lot of other things. I am still here, my family is okay, and I still have my friends. So these events really put it in my head that sometimes things will happen, but I should always try to look at the positive side.

Although I still get shaky in regards to the break-in. For example, there were these two guys on Bart today that were acting suspicious. Immediately my brain went to possible stick up. I tried to think positive, and tried to keep a positive light over me. But I almost passed out from being so shaken by the possibility that these people would start shooting or something. Thankfully, they got out in San Leandro and I let out a sign of relief. And then I realized my idiocy when the people around me was talking about them and realized that the guys were taggers. They were more interested in trying out their artistry than try to rob us. I felt foolish and realized that my car being broken into has caused me more sanity damage than I thought. I will have to just keep thinking positive light, pray, and hopefully get my guts again. I am confident that I will, but it may take awhile. I just need to be patient and let myself get there.

And with that, my friends, I will leave it at that.