Reflections in Moments

The Bay Area Rapid Transportation (BART) system has its quirks and idiosyncrasies that every commuter begins to understand. The understanding that mornings are not for rapid-fire conversations. The coffee sets in at that time. Please keep it to a low murmur. Everyone has their own ear plugs. Even if there is no audio stimuli, it is the peace that the earphones give as it diminishes the train's creaks and moans. Unless you live at the end of the line, don't think you will get a seat: whether it is the brisk walk towards home or the groggy slog towards work.

And when these silent rules or guidelines are broken, the day is shattered one piece at a time. Everyone is pushed into an unknown plane that makes the playing field very different. Tempers are even shorter. Everyone loses their ability to keep the peace. Things become not what they were. Eyes start darting, saying, "Stop what you are doing. You are breaking the rules!" Words are mentioned. Things that cannot be withheld with the environment has changed. Sometimes there is envy for those that are just sleeping it all away, not noticing that is has changed and the day has become different in so many ways.

* * * * *

First dates. I've been on a lot of them. I can describe the different types and what is the best places to go on a first date. A friend commented that a first date, especially when it is from an online dating site, that it should be a meet and confer. I see it as an interview. What do you think about this environment? Can you stand my laugh? Will you be able to handle my ever rollicking emotions? Will you be able to enjoy all the things I do, but still be yourself? These interviews should never be done in a restaurant. Too risky. It may be a horrible interview that you will regret eating your enjoyable food in awkward silences. It's always coffee or an alcoholic drink, preferred the latter for its ability to loosen tongues and minds. Shoulders relax. Mouths smile more. I'm more attractive with red chipmunk cheeks.

What I seek is a spark. A fire. A connection. Something that will make you stay even when the drinks have dried up in its glass. Something that is beyond quick glances and hurried touches in the dark. Something more. Sometimes these interviews reveal more interviews. Sometimes it leads to a "I don't think it will work" speeches and "I hope we can be friends" knowing that it won't be true. Facebook maybe. Twitter even. But never true. Never real. Always innuendo and hidden glances that lead to not seeing each other ever again. It's okay. It is best that way.

Sometimes it leads to more. To a relationship. To things that may or may not be better for me. A partner in life moments that either cheers you on or holds you when things are tough. They become the first person you turn to when you want to share something. They are the one you await breathlessly for contact of any kind. But then the path leads to its end and you both end with saying, "Let's be friends". And you are back where you were after the first interview: knowing that it will not be the same, it won't work the way we would like to. Hearts are less whole, but wiser. The walls are built up again. The plaster starts to set in, letting the once fragile wound become once again less stable. Hopes were either dashed or put back into place. Never regrets though. Never. They build the perfect partner ever. Or a better understanding of being alone. Stronger. Ready to have a relationship with oneself.

* * * * *

Campfires are the most calming images for me. They also invoke revelations that could not be otherwise. The fire always enchants their viewers in such a hypnotic way that makes one find themselves in thoughts that they had been avoiding too many times previously. They become ingrained as the smoke circles around the head and clothes, leaving its residue in its wake. Thoughts become actions that then become a spot in the timeline that one can never erase. Or they become moldy in its existence that campfire can only bring back to life. These thoughts can only be instigated by the licking and cracks of the temptress, leaving the person feeling empty as the she leaves. Until she is ignited again, and the thoughts become ravage in its need to become forefront. Then the cycle continues until the smell ignite the memories of them giving me comforting moments.