A Rant

This post was going to be about how I feel all right and the adventure of cutting my hair. But I just had dinner with a mutual friend of the ex and right now I am still fuming.

What is wrong about wanting marriage? About wanting commitment? Why is it considered crazy to wonder if you should devote time to the relationship about three months? After seven months? Why is wrong for me to want that in life? Why am I considered crazy for wanting that?

What happened to wanting that type of lifestyle? There is being open minded and wanting different things in life and looking outside the box for living a life with someone. But when did it become the norm to shun those who wanted marriage and commitment? When did it become a crazy notion to want marriage and commitment?

Maybe I am generalizing, but it is frustrating to find that it seems there are no lesbians or queer women out there that want commitment. The ones who do are already taken!

I think I need to widen my queer circle. Find more lesbians or queer women that think like me. Because this is ridiculous...I am tired of people telling me that I am crazy when I know I am not!

Or maybe I am...but for other reasons! :-D

Life goes on

Got past the sad, anger, and drunk phase. Now am compiling a new list. This time not vague! Am realizing I am too compromising. Need to be firm in what I want. Am working on it.

But this for a future not too soon. Need to grieve some more. Need to give some time for me.

Also, I really don't want to go back out there yet. Would really like it if I could do dating like how fast food is: you can get it in your car quick and fast. But, then again, there is the regret after...but, eh. Too lazy.

Am sad...but am okay with it all. Just miss the friendship. Got used to it all. Sad that it won't be like how it used to be. Maybe it will be many years from now. But...we will see.

Oh well

Everything must come to end. Too bad it hurts and makes you an insomniac. Life goes on, I guess.

The Burn

I am starting to feel the burn. The wanting to just sit in front of the TV and do nothing at all. Maybe knitting. Maybe reading. But, really, to do absolutely nothing at all.

I was afraid that would happen when this last semester would end and I would have that brief moment of relaxation. So, I avoided it. Tried to make sure that I was busy with my internship and life.

But then July 4th weekend happened. And it began. The feeling of...nothing. The feeling of relaxation. It felt good. It felt great.

But now I just don't want to do anything. I did do the necessary chores this last weekend. And now it has left my body in tatters. Now, with the attitude of not wanting to do anything, it is hard to feel like enthusiasm about anything (internship or otherwise).

And so the burn has become. And am attempting to fight it back. Hopefully a good night's sleep will cool the burn.

Look, a real post!

Yes, I finally updating this blog with more than just one weird paragraph that is either angsty or incoherent! :)

School
Spring semester ended with much enjoyment. I got a 3.9 (those darn A-). I am just happy that I passed. I was starting to go crazy with the mad studying, working, and trying to be a good girlfriend.

I am not fully out of school now. I am interning at the San Mateo County Library. I am specifically working in their Literacy department. I am tutoring ESL students, specifically adults, and reading to children. I am also working on getting some workshops dealing with information literacy (something I have started gaining interest in during the spring semester). So far it has been great. I love my two learners, and one of them made it to his goal! He says it is because of me, but I know it took a lot of work to get there.

Life
Life is good! Nothing much to say. The girlfriend and I are doing well. Some bumps, but we are working on it. I am very happy with where my life is going. I am getting more and more excited about when I am finished with grad school and going forward in my career. I am also looking forward to being able to get my feet fully on the ground and be able to move out of my parent's house. Although I am very grateful that they let me stay with them, I would like to start having my own household. I feel that it is definitely time. Soon. Soon.

Books
Now that I am not doing any homework or studying, I am reading a lot of books. I finished three amazing books: "Water for Elephants" "The Night Watch", and "Bonk". Now I am going into my literature with D.H. Lawrence. I find it funny that I go from a book that delves into the study of sex (very blunt and with lots of technical terms) and then I go into a novel that insinuates all things sexual with metaphors. It's fun! It's like, "Guess where the sexual innuendos are!" I love it. It makes me want to write again...

All right...on to my next adventure!

I am so tired of being pushed away. Pushed away from friends. From everyone. Why has it become so hard to find any relationship (friendship or otherwise) that just stays? It doesn't involve people lying or not bothering to reply. Why is it so hard to find someone that will always be there, no matter what?

Yes, I have issues. I know. But I am tired of always finding myself the pushed end of things. Always that distance. I hate it. O always have. It seems that I haven't gotten used to the seasonal thing. It's either I am in or insufferable.

It is true. No matter how many people you fill your life with, you can still be lonely as fuck. Especially if they all have decided to never reply back.

It's sad to look back at everyone you call a friend (even with all the great things happening in your life) and find only a very small group of people that would truly help you in a crisis. I had thought that part of my life is over, but apparently it still continues. Ah well. Life goes on, I guess.

I am just tired, that's all.

Yes, I jumped out of a plane and survived.