I Want to Break Free...

After many, many days of the inability to sleep, concentrate, do anything, I have finally broken free of it all and got a good amount of sleep, yoga, and concentration of thoughts.

I had told a friend two weeks ago that I had finally felt free. Like a burden has lifted off my shoulder and I can finally feel free to breathe, live, etc. And it is still true, but some times there are residual demons that haunt me randomly. Especially when I proclaim said freedom. That is what happened this time.

I think it was the time of year combined with the fact that I have been going nowhere with my love life added with a big decision that I don't want to try anymore. (Yes. Yes. I know. Don't quit. Don't give up. Love will happen. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Please accept the fact that I want to quit and will. Let's get past that fact.) In a way, my decision was breaking my heart and dreams. Add to the fact that I am surrounded by the lovey dovey feelings with the my body feeling the natural tugs and pulls of Mother Earth and her need to procreate. So it would be normal to get down and not be able to sleep. Thoughts were starting to permeate my brain, and start adding fodder to my imagination. So, no sleep. I wasn't confused, but I was just getting sad by all the realizations that were hitting me head on all at once.

What helped? Writing. Since Netflix was down (and I couldn't watch my precious The Office episodes...maybe one of the small factors of why I didn't get much sleep), I decided to sit down and write all these thoughts out on paper. That's why I keep my diary because there are just times when I need that soundboard. I know that I have my friends to talk to, but it is different. This sounds harsh, but I need to be able to talk/write without anyone interrupting me with advice and addages. I'm the type of person that talks to herself sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the Goddess. Sometimes I am truly talking to myself and people would take me to an asylum if they saw me. This is how I process. I got it from my mom (she tends to talk under her breath when she's working...or gardening...or just walking). In order to not be put in an asylum, I write in my diary about my thoughts. I process it all, and I just let it all out. It's like free writing, but without coming up with an amazing story. I instead figure out what is going on in my weird brain of mine. And that is what happened with me last night. I got out all of those thoughts that I was having, and just put them to words and let them air out. I truly believe that thoughts tend to get moist and start to grow mold in the brain, so they need to get aired out and become free from the restraints. These thoughts were starting to build up a castle until I aired them out.

And so I broke free from everything. I feel at peace with my decisions. I know it is for the best, and my heart is mending from it all.

I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. I'm noticing this trend of wanting to break free, or just wanting to be free to make decisions. Of course, one must know Freddie Mercury's history to understand why this trend (he was a closeted bisexual man who died of AIDS), but it also spurred me on. It reminded me so much of when I was in the closet, and when I broke free it felt so good. And now, in a way, I am breaking free but in a different sense. I am breaking free from the damaging dreams that I had in my head, and it feels really good to not have that pressure. In a way, I am like Freddie Mercury (without the AIDS): I want to break free, and I have.

S.A.D.

I guess I'm writing a series about my love life...huh, anyway.

Being one of those singles who don't have a honey to spend Saturday with, I have been thinking of fun things to do while everyone pairs up.

1. Movie marathon! Now I can do this outside the house and finally watch the movies that I haven't gotten around to watch. Or I can stay home in my fuzzy wuzzy pajamas with lots of chocolate and watch my old romantic comedy movies. I've done that many of times though and I want to do something different.

2. Travel! I've been missing my Northern country lately, and have been craving some hippie-feeling, nature-loving sensibilities. But that means I would be out all day, and I won't be able to afford staying at a motel. That means I will be driving all day. Do I really want to do that? If it is worth it. Especially if it involves some champagne and gay fun in Guerneville, and then some yummy Women power in Sebastopol.

3. Hang out with some other single friends. Wait...never mind, I don't really have any that live around here.

4. Eat lots of cookie dough and call it an Off Plan day. Mmmmmmmmm....cookies.

5. Go to a bar and drink lots of Chardonnay. Mmmmmm.

6. Enjoy a good book.

7. Drink lots of wine at home, then cruise Craigslist.com like a weirdo.

8. Do the above, but then start prank calling all of my friends who are trying to enjoy the day.

9. Do nothing.

10. Kiss a girl and actually like it!

Anyway...I think I will do either one or two. I'm leaning more towards traveling because I just need to get out. I've been wanting to enjoy some time by myself, and this is perfect time.

We will see. We will see.

My Love Life

The best symbol to describe my love life is a circular labyrinth. I'm always trying to figure out how to get to the middle where I will reach enlightenment. Or the big centaur that will eat me. I am always continuously going up and then down through mazes. Of course, it is not fruitless. I always learn things on the way as I solve one puzzle at a time. I just never get to my destination.

This time around I thought I may have found a little respite. Not the grand prize, but maybe a little sanctuary on the way. But once I was going up, of course I had to go down. I'm not sure if it was me or her, but it's been a frustrating week.

I might have been a little "clingy". When it comes to my interest, I like to get to know someone. And in order to get to know someone I like to poke them or write to them in email or want to know what they are up to. I don't want to be around them all the time, but I like some contact. I may have smothered her, but at least I wasn't calling her two million times in a day. I actually didn't do that at all. But I could see why I may have been a little...clingy.

But at the same time, she shouldn't have said she was interested to then run to the hills. From the very beginning, she was always running. When she told me she was interested, she then ran away and wouldn't talk about it until the next day. Then when we decided to see where it would go, wouldn't the obvious thought be to get to know the person? But it was the opposite for her: she then removed herself away from the situation and then kept me at a distance. I think she even insinuated to me on Facebook to leave her alone (of course, it could be my brain saying it, but it really feels like she meant "Go away, not interested anymore!"). Even when I finally broke down and text messaged her about the email I sent her, she said she didn't check her emails and it is probably there. Then no response. Nothing. Hmmm, I may be slow but that definitely tells me that she's not interested.

So again, I am where I was before. Maybe a little bit more knowledgeable, but still at the same curve of my labyrinth. I am actually really liking this spot. It feels normal and comfortable. I'm not lonely and I'm not unhappy. I am happy with where I am. I don't need to be with someone in order to be with someone. I do wish that I could get to the center of my maze, but in the end I would rather be happy then figure out what is in the middle.

And, really, it may end up being a big centaur that will eat me up. And you and I wouldn't want that.

Edit: Oh my, an email can change everything. This is all confusing...but then again, most things are confusing...

We will see what will happen what the labyrinth will give this time.