Since I can't take any sort of painkillers right now (self-restricted so I don't burn a hole in my stomach or get liver damage), I'm going to write out my pain.
It hurts. My body hurts. Specifically, my neck hurts. My shoulder hurts. My hands, the things that create beautiful things, hurt. So even though I want to knit, I have to will myself to pull it out and knit because it hurts. Pain is beauty, I guess. My legs hurt. My left knee hurts. I feel like a fat penguin when I walk because I...hurt.
How did I live through this pain before? Was it there all this time but I just walked right through it ignorant to what it meant? Maybe I lived through it because I thought it would be fixed one day. But it isn't going to be fixed. It will always be there...all the time...ever watching ever waiting ever in the back of my mind constantly nagging that I WILL HURT.
I'm in the this stage of acceptance where this is my special kind of hell. No one will understand it, I say to myself. No one will believe me, I say to myself. This is my pain. My burden to bear. My hell. Yes, again, my special kind of hell. Where walking to the bathroom is a chore. Where I will have to be numbed for the rest of my god damn life because I
hurt.
Hurt. Pain. Suffer. Needles. Fire. Over dramatic feelings of sorrow and fear and loneliness and
pain.
Did I mention I hurt?
Positive thinking is over rated. I want to hide in my sorrow that I will forever feel this pain. Especially on the days that used to fill me with so much happiness. Rain. Puddles. Laughter as I used to play around on the wet concrete, hoping that I will forever live in an area that had this type of weather. I wanted to live in a state that had this every day of the year. Now I have to rethink that because this weather only causes misery and
pain.
I am now a weather vane for all those that care. If you're worried that your wedding will be rained on, I can tell you that it will be coming. All it does is cause my body more
pain.
Don't worry. I'll warn you ahead of time.
These days are the worse because even if I'm carrying a bag it then starts to hurt. It starts to ache, and all I want to do is crawl up into a tiny little ball and try to find some sort of semblance of what it used to be without the
pain
and hope that eventually I will never feel this
pain
again. But I will. Because this will be my life. My. Life. Forever. There is no cure for this. At least it doesn't kill me, but then again at this very moment I want to put myself out of this special hell of mine to finally have a life without
pain.
But I won't. Don't worry. I have to find my faith again. It will come back to me. Maybe when it stops raining and the sun is out and I feel better again.
But now all I can think of is the fact that I
hurt. And I am mad that I hurt. I am so blindingly, agonizingly, dramatically enraged. Because all I want to do is relax and enjoy the beautiful sound of the rain against the window. Enjoy the cold in all its beautiful crispness.
But I can't.
Because I am in pain because of it.
This just affirms what I have always believed: my body hates me. My body and I have been in a constant battle with each other. I keep saying, "This is what I want" but my body continues to act on its own. My body and I are not in sync. It's like Peter Pan and his shadow: constantly at war to become sewed together.
This is just its way of being an asshole.
But that's just the pain talking.
Because I hurt.
The travails and gallavantings of an Asian queer lady who loves to read, write, and create havoc.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Bad News/Positive Light
I found out some bad news recently that I am still attempting to wrap my brain around. Although this is a journal of sorts that reveals personal details, I am choosing not to because I am not ready for that yet. Not just yet. Just know that it is bad, but not truly life-threatening or horrible. But it is something that throws a curve into one's life to the point that something has to change. Not something. Everything. So I am still wrapping my brain around it. How do I do this? Education. Education. Education. I took a trip to my local library and spent an hour finding what I need to combat this bad news.
I keep thinking of that silver lining. I recently told someone that I was raised in a very negative environment, so that is all I know. But lately I have been attempting to look at everything with a silver lining. It's not the easiest thing to do, but I am attempting to do it. Because it requires way too much energy to be negative than to be positive. It's that concept of you use more muscles frowning than when you are smiling. So this is another area of life that I need to focus on the positive side of it all. Positive will combat everything, right?
And so I take on the charge, educate myself, and keep on trucking. Insert another cliche adage that means I will be all right.
I keep thinking of that silver lining. I recently told someone that I was raised in a very negative environment, so that is all I know. But lately I have been attempting to look at everything with a silver lining. It's not the easiest thing to do, but I am attempting to do it. Because it requires way too much energy to be negative than to be positive. It's that concept of you use more muscles frowning than when you are smiling. So this is another area of life that I need to focus on the positive side of it all. Positive will combat everything, right?
And so I take on the charge, educate myself, and keep on trucking. Insert another cliche adage that means I will be all right.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Reflections in Moments
The Bay Area Rapid Transportation (BART) system has its quirks and idiosyncrasies that every commuter begins to understand. The understanding that mornings are not for rapid-fire conversations. The coffee sets in at that time. Please keep it to a low murmur. Everyone has their own ear plugs. Even if there is no audio stimuli, it is the peace that the earphones give as it diminishes the train's creaks and moans. Unless you live at the end of the line, don't think you will get a seat: whether it is the brisk walk towards home or the groggy slog towards work.
And when these silent rules or guidelines are broken, the day is shattered one piece at a time. Everyone is pushed into an unknown plane that makes the playing field very different. Tempers are even shorter. Everyone loses their ability to keep the peace. Things become not what they were. Eyes start darting, saying, "Stop what you are doing. You are breaking the rules!" Words are mentioned. Things that cannot be withheld with the environment has changed. Sometimes there is envy for those that are just sleeping it all away, not noticing that is has changed and the day has become different in so many ways.
* * * * *
First dates. I've been on a lot of them. I can describe the different types and what is the best places to go on a first date. A friend commented that a first date, especially when it is from an online dating site, that it should be a meet and confer. I see it as an interview. What do you think about this environment? Can you stand my laugh? Will you be able to handle my ever rollicking emotions? Will you be able to enjoy all the things I do, but still be yourself? These interviews should never be done in a restaurant. Too risky. It may be a horrible interview that you will regret eating your enjoyable food in awkward silences. It's always coffee or an alcoholic drink, preferred the latter for its ability to loosen tongues and minds. Shoulders relax. Mouths smile more. I'm more attractive with red chipmunk cheeks.
What I seek is a spark. A fire. A connection. Something that will make you stay even when the drinks have dried up in its glass. Something that is beyond quick glances and hurried touches in the dark. Something more. Sometimes these interviews reveal more interviews. Sometimes it leads to a "I don't think it will work" speeches and "I hope we can be friends" knowing that it won't be true. Facebook maybe. Twitter even. But never true. Never real. Always innuendo and hidden glances that lead to not seeing each other ever again. It's okay. It is best that way.
Sometimes it leads to more. To a relationship. To things that may or may not be better for me. A partner in life moments that either cheers you on or holds you when things are tough. They become the first person you turn to when you want to share something. They are the one you await breathlessly for contact of any kind. But then the path leads to its end and you both end with saying, "Let's be friends". And you are back where you were after the first interview: knowing that it will not be the same, it won't work the way we would like to. Hearts are less whole, but wiser. The walls are built up again. The plaster starts to set in, letting the once fragile wound become once again less stable. Hopes were either dashed or put back into place. Never regrets though. Never. They build the perfect partner ever. Or a better understanding of being alone. Stronger. Ready to have a relationship with oneself.
* * * * *
Campfires are the most calming images for me. They also invoke revelations that could not be otherwise. The fire always enchants their viewers in such a hypnotic way that makes one find themselves in thoughts that they had been avoiding too many times previously. They become ingrained as the smoke circles around the head and clothes, leaving its residue in its wake. Thoughts become actions that then become a spot in the timeline that one can never erase. Or they become moldy in its existence that campfire can only bring back to life. These thoughts can only be instigated by the licking and cracks of the temptress, leaving the person feeling empty as the she leaves. Until she is ignited again, and the thoughts become ravage in its need to become forefront. Then the cycle continues until the smell ignite the memories of them giving me comforting moments.
And when these silent rules or guidelines are broken, the day is shattered one piece at a time. Everyone is pushed into an unknown plane that makes the playing field very different. Tempers are even shorter. Everyone loses their ability to keep the peace. Things become not what they were. Eyes start darting, saying, "Stop what you are doing. You are breaking the rules!" Words are mentioned. Things that cannot be withheld with the environment has changed. Sometimes there is envy for those that are just sleeping it all away, not noticing that is has changed and the day has become different in so many ways.
* * * * *
First dates. I've been on a lot of them. I can describe the different types and what is the best places to go on a first date. A friend commented that a first date, especially when it is from an online dating site, that it should be a meet and confer. I see it as an interview. What do you think about this environment? Can you stand my laugh? Will you be able to handle my ever rollicking emotions? Will you be able to enjoy all the things I do, but still be yourself? These interviews should never be done in a restaurant. Too risky. It may be a horrible interview that you will regret eating your enjoyable food in awkward silences. It's always coffee or an alcoholic drink, preferred the latter for its ability to loosen tongues and minds. Shoulders relax. Mouths smile more. I'm more attractive with red chipmunk cheeks.
What I seek is a spark. A fire. A connection. Something that will make you stay even when the drinks have dried up in its glass. Something that is beyond quick glances and hurried touches in the dark. Something more. Sometimes these interviews reveal more interviews. Sometimes it leads to a "I don't think it will work" speeches and "I hope we can be friends" knowing that it won't be true. Facebook maybe. Twitter even. But never true. Never real. Always innuendo and hidden glances that lead to not seeing each other ever again. It's okay. It is best that way.
Sometimes it leads to more. To a relationship. To things that may or may not be better for me. A partner in life moments that either cheers you on or holds you when things are tough. They become the first person you turn to when you want to share something. They are the one you await breathlessly for contact of any kind. But then the path leads to its end and you both end with saying, "Let's be friends". And you are back where you were after the first interview: knowing that it will not be the same, it won't work the way we would like to. Hearts are less whole, but wiser. The walls are built up again. The plaster starts to set in, letting the once fragile wound become once again less stable. Hopes were either dashed or put back into place. Never regrets though. Never. They build the perfect partner ever. Or a better understanding of being alone. Stronger. Ready to have a relationship with oneself.
* * * * *
Campfires are the most calming images for me. They also invoke revelations that could not be otherwise. The fire always enchants their viewers in such a hypnotic way that makes one find themselves in thoughts that they had been avoiding too many times previously. They become ingrained as the smoke circles around the head and clothes, leaving its residue in its wake. Thoughts become actions that then become a spot in the timeline that one can never erase. Or they become moldy in its existence that campfire can only bring back to life. These thoughts can only be instigated by the licking and cracks of the temptress, leaving the person feeling empty as the she leaves. Until she is ignited again, and the thoughts become ravage in its need to become forefront. Then the cycle continues until the smell ignite the memories of them giving me comforting moments.
Monday, February 27, 2012
For Sophie...
My friend Sophie posted this and tagged me. Unfortunately I have been negligent in my blog reading. :) And then when I tried to put it in her blog I found my wordiness to be a problem. So, here you go, Sophie. And, it's okay if you guys read it. All two of you. :)
Facts:
1. I miss singing so much. Even though my voice has gotten incredibly horrible (I think it's the coffee...), I still attempt to belt out a tune. Like right now as I type this I am singing really loudly Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".
2. I have always hated math too, as you know. But what has helped me learn it better? Knitting. As I tell people, I know knitting math.
3. I tend to buy a lot of sparkly things. It's the girl in me. Sparkly nail polish, yarn, etc. I just get so giddy.
4. Even though I was warned not to drink too much coffee, I will never give up coffee. I have also been advised by very close friends to not give up coffee because they never want to see that side of me again.
5. Sometimes I have in-depth conversations with my two parakeets.
6. I have always wanted to wear make-up. For awhile I just said I didn't wear make-up because I didn't feel like I needed to "cover up my beauty." But, in all honesty, it's because I don't know how to put it on. In high school I tried, but I ended up getting teased mercilessly by my peers. So I just stopped wearing it. I'm slowly putting it on, but still being weary.
7. I absolutely love the sound of high heels against hard surfaces. When I was a young girl I would steal my mom's high heels and stretch them out (because I had bigger feet than her) to make the sounds.
8. When my sister and I were younger and were left home alone during the summers, we would watch "Gone with the Wind". When my sister got too old for that, I would watch it and try to find the floofiest gown to wear while watching it.
9. Even though I had a sister, I always wished I had a different sister that got along with me and was my best friend. So I used to imagine that I had a twin sister named Jessica.
10. Unlike Sophie, when I was much younger I thought I would be married with at least three kids. I even believed in the white picket fence. That has changed immensely now. I don't plan to have children, and I am pretty happy being single.
11. I don't like tomatoes. I know, how is that revealing? But it seems that scandalize a lot of people when I say I don't like fresh tomatoes.
Sophie's Questions:
1. What's your favorite childhood memory? Going on BART for the first time thinking it was called "Bark". The next day I asked my Mom, "Are we going to Bark today?"
2. How many careers do you hope to have in your life? After this job? ONE! :-D I would like to have the title "Librarian" one day.
3. What are the top 3 books you've read in 2011?
Oh, that's hard! I actually didn't read at all last year! But, here you go: Bonk: the curious coupling of sex and science; The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Society; and Cinderella Ate My Daughter.
4. What are your 3 favorite songs?
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Mandy Moore - Gardenia
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
5. Who is the first person you run to when you've got good news to share?
You! :-D Well, letter-wise. Physically, my friend Sami and Kim.
6. When is the last time you cried and why?
Yesterday because of last week's Glee episode. Suicide, even gay teen suicide, hits a really raw area of my heart (I lost a close high school friend to suicide and I struggled with it myself), so it was really hard not to cry while watching that episode.
7. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
The Oscars. Here, I'll show you:
(The Scorsese Game...and the explanation is here: )
8. What's the best joke you know? :)
I don't think I have enough room and memory to tell you. Remind me to write it down for you later.
9. Do you sing in the shower or when you're home alone (or dance, instead)?
Both! Note the above random fact.
10. What cable channel do you find yourself watching the most--if you watch tv?
Food Network.
11. What is your favorite classic book?
Pride and Prejudice! :-D
Facts:
1. I miss singing so much. Even though my voice has gotten incredibly horrible (I think it's the coffee...), I still attempt to belt out a tune. Like right now as I type this I am singing really loudly Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You".
2. I have always hated math too, as you know. But what has helped me learn it better? Knitting. As I tell people, I know knitting math.
3. I tend to buy a lot of sparkly things. It's the girl in me. Sparkly nail polish, yarn, etc. I just get so giddy.
4. Even though I was warned not to drink too much coffee, I will never give up coffee. I have also been advised by very close friends to not give up coffee because they never want to see that side of me again.
5. Sometimes I have in-depth conversations with my two parakeets.
6. I have always wanted to wear make-up. For awhile I just said I didn't wear make-up because I didn't feel like I needed to "cover up my beauty." But, in all honesty, it's because I don't know how to put it on. In high school I tried, but I ended up getting teased mercilessly by my peers. So I just stopped wearing it. I'm slowly putting it on, but still being weary.
7. I absolutely love the sound of high heels against hard surfaces. When I was a young girl I would steal my mom's high heels and stretch them out (because I had bigger feet than her) to make the sounds.
8. When my sister and I were younger and were left home alone during the summers, we would watch "Gone with the Wind". When my sister got too old for that, I would watch it and try to find the floofiest gown to wear while watching it.
9. Even though I had a sister, I always wished I had a different sister that got along with me and was my best friend. So I used to imagine that I had a twin sister named Jessica.
10. Unlike Sophie, when I was much younger I thought I would be married with at least three kids. I even believed in the white picket fence. That has changed immensely now. I don't plan to have children, and I am pretty happy being single.
11. I don't like tomatoes. I know, how is that revealing? But it seems that scandalize a lot of people when I say I don't like fresh tomatoes.
Sophie's Questions:
1. What's your favorite childhood memory? Going on BART for the first time thinking it was called "Bark". The next day I asked my Mom, "Are we going to Bark today?"
2. How many careers do you hope to have in your life? After this job? ONE! :-D I would like to have the title "Librarian" one day.
3. What are the top 3 books you've read in 2011?
Oh, that's hard! I actually didn't read at all last year! But, here you go: Bonk: the curious coupling of sex and science; The Guernsey Literary and Potatoe Peel Society; and Cinderella Ate My Daughter.
4. What are your 3 favorite songs?
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Mandy Moore - Gardenia
Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
5. Who is the first person you run to when you've got good news to share?
You! :-D Well, letter-wise. Physically, my friend Sami and Kim.
6. When is the last time you cried and why?
Yesterday because of last week's Glee episode. Suicide, even gay teen suicide, hits a really raw area of my heart (I lost a close high school friend to suicide and I struggled with it myself), so it was really hard not to cry while watching that episode.
7. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
The Oscars. Here, I'll show you:
(The Scorsese Game...and the explanation is here: )
8. What's the best joke you know? :)
I don't think I have enough room and memory to tell you. Remind me to write it down for you later.
9. Do you sing in the shower or when you're home alone (or dance, instead)?
Both! Note the above random fact.
10. What cable channel do you find yourself watching the most--if you watch tv?
Food Network.
11. What is your favorite classic book?
Pride and Prejudice! :-D
Sunday, February 19, 2012
An Exciting Turn of Events
Two months in to the year and already so many things have happened to me. Not all good, not all bad either. I'm enjoying this new lease on life, and fully embracing the idea of living life honestly and positively. There have been some bumps in the road though. Last week was especially a huge test for me. After a great ride with the new bike group I joined, I went to a social event with the same group. The restaurant was located in Oakland, which has never been a problem for me. Oakland has become my stomping ground since I moved back from Sonoma county. It used to be this safe area where I could hang out with a lot of people. I tended to have a lot of my dates there as well. Well, that night that bubble got burst. I was not hurt, but my car was. Someone broke the passenger side glass window and stole my GPS and Ipod. My mind didn't go to my stuff though. I honestly did not care that they took that. Go ahead, enjoy it with whatever you are plan to do with it (probably sold off by now to help feed their stomach/addiction). But they broke my sanctuary and safe zone. Now any time I park my car, I start to panic. Especially when it is in an area that in my head is not the best area. But so far it hasn't been touched (maybe because the car has now been marked as no longer a car theft virgin...), and I am learning to let it go. But it definitely made me rethink living in Oakland. I've decided that I could not live in the area that always makes me panic. I still will go to things there, but it definitely made me aware that I am still so naive about certain things. This was apparent when others were telling me stories of when their car was broken into. I did not realize that that was a right of passage in order to be an adult. Even my parents (which I was expecting a huge blow up) said, "It happens to all of us..." Unfortunately, I did lose my cool and was all negative and dramatic. But I saw what I was doing, and tried to let it go. I think I'm almost there.
The other event last week hit a nerve for me. I joined a book club recently (I'm in a joining mood now that I am done with school), and went to the first meeting that Sunday. I had thought it went well: I was enjoying the socializing part, and I had thought I was pretty chill and not too loud or obnoxious. But there was an incident during the club business that could have lead to my being kicked out. Yes, I got kicked out of a book club. Can you believe that you can still get kicked out of clubs at 27/28? They were discussing the big numbers in their clubs, and they had some suggestions that didn't give me the most welcoming feeling in the world. And since I am living honestly and not letting things fester, I had thought I approached everyone with my feelings that some of these suggestions are making me feel un-welcomed as a new member. I guess I wasn't welcomed because they kicked me out the next day. I did send them a message asking why (all I got was that I "wasn't a good fit for their group"), but of course they haven't answered back. This even struck a nerve because I do have an insecurity in regards to be accepted. I'm slowly accepting that I am who I am, and if people don't like/love me then they aren't right for me anyway. But it was a group of very nice lesbian women...my people, you know? And I was rejected. It made me feel like I was back in junior high/high school when I was attempting to accept myself as well as attempt to find people like me. It also hit me hard because there are some parts of me that I am still accepting as who I am. I always feel like I am obnoxious when I am in social mode. Sometimes I feel my laugh is too loud, or I say the stupidest things in the world. But that is who I am. And this definitely reminded me that if people don't like it, then they obviously are not the right people for me. Lesbians don't always have to like other lesbians, right? Right? Anyway, this other event hit me hard too.
But these events are relatively small in comparison to a lot of other things. I am still here, my family is okay, and I still have my friends. So these events really put it in my head that sometimes things will happen, but I should always try to look at the positive side.
Although I still get shaky in regards to the break-in. For example, there were these two guys on Bart today that were acting suspicious. Immediately my brain went to possible stick up. I tried to think positive, and tried to keep a positive light over me. But I almost passed out from being so shaken by the possibility that these people would start shooting or something. Thankfully, they got out in San Leandro and I let out a sign of relief. And then I realized my idiocy when the people around me was talking about them and realized that the guys were taggers. They were more interested in trying out their artistry than try to rob us. I felt foolish and realized that my car being broken into has caused me more sanity damage than I thought. I will have to just keep thinking positive light, pray, and hopefully get my guts again. I am confident that I will, but it may take awhile. I just need to be patient and let myself get there.
And with that, my friends, I will leave it at that.
The other event last week hit a nerve for me. I joined a book club recently (I'm in a joining mood now that I am done with school), and went to the first meeting that Sunday. I had thought it went well: I was enjoying the socializing part, and I had thought I was pretty chill and not too loud or obnoxious. But there was an incident during the club business that could have lead to my being kicked out. Yes, I got kicked out of a book club. Can you believe that you can still get kicked out of clubs at 27/28? They were discussing the big numbers in their clubs, and they had some suggestions that didn't give me the most welcoming feeling in the world. And since I am living honestly and not letting things fester, I had thought I approached everyone with my feelings that some of these suggestions are making me feel un-welcomed as a new member. I guess I wasn't welcomed because they kicked me out the next day. I did send them a message asking why (all I got was that I "wasn't a good fit for their group"), but of course they haven't answered back. This even struck a nerve because I do have an insecurity in regards to be accepted. I'm slowly accepting that I am who I am, and if people don't like/love me then they aren't right for me anyway. But it was a group of very nice lesbian women...my people, you know? And I was rejected. It made me feel like I was back in junior high/high school when I was attempting to accept myself as well as attempt to find people like me. It also hit me hard because there are some parts of me that I am still accepting as who I am. I always feel like I am obnoxious when I am in social mode. Sometimes I feel my laugh is too loud, or I say the stupidest things in the world. But that is who I am. And this definitely reminded me that if people don't like it, then they obviously are not the right people for me. Lesbians don't always have to like other lesbians, right? Right? Anyway, this other event hit me hard too.
But these events are relatively small in comparison to a lot of other things. I am still here, my family is okay, and I still have my friends. So these events really put it in my head that sometimes things will happen, but I should always try to look at the positive side.
Although I still get shaky in regards to the break-in. For example, there were these two guys on Bart today that were acting suspicious. Immediately my brain went to possible stick up. I tried to think positive, and tried to keep a positive light over me. But I almost passed out from being so shaken by the possibility that these people would start shooting or something. Thankfully, they got out in San Leandro and I let out a sign of relief. And then I realized my idiocy when the people around me was talking about them and realized that the guys were taggers. They were more interested in trying out their artistry than try to rob us. I felt foolish and realized that my car being broken into has caused me more sanity damage than I thought. I will have to just keep thinking positive light, pray, and hopefully get my guts again. I am confident that I will, but it may take awhile. I just need to be patient and let myself get there.
And with that, my friends, I will leave it at that.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Statistics of 2011 & Goals for 2012
Number of Jobs Held in 2011
5
Number of Breakdowns because of Above-Said Statistic
About 2 million
Number of Master Degrees Earned
1
New Pet Acquired
1 green parakeet
Number of Life-Changing Events
A lot...I can't count.
All in all...I believe a great year. Tiring, yes. Painful at times, yes. But absolutely amazing. What a great ride!
Goals for 2012
* Read & listen more books (I know, that was a resolution/goal last year...but I failed miserably because of school and life. This time I plan to keep it. I also found the love of audiobooks, so that helps).
* Less oversharing in social media, more restraint towards social media.
* Positive thinking. Yes, the glass is half empty, but look! There is a carton of milk over there! Let's fill it up.
* More time with friends (Again...I failed. Time to actually do more of this while saving money)
* Save money (This time I have a goal to why I want to save money).
* Continue to spend more time to take care of myself mentally and physically (exercise, relaxation time, doing things I enjoy like biking, yoga, painting nails, etc.).
5
Number of Breakdowns because of Above-Said Statistic
About 2 million
Number of Master Degrees Earned
1
New Pet Acquired
1 green parakeet
Number of Life-Changing Events
A lot...I can't count.
All in all...I believe a great year. Tiring, yes. Painful at times, yes. But absolutely amazing. What a great ride!
Goals for 2012
* Read & listen more books (I know, that was a resolution/goal last year...but I failed miserably because of school and life. This time I plan to keep it. I also found the love of audiobooks, so that helps).
* Less oversharing in social media, more restraint towards social media.
* Positive thinking. Yes, the glass is half empty, but look! There is a carton of milk over there! Let's fill it up.
* More time with friends (Again...I failed. Time to actually do more of this while saving money)
* Save money (This time I have a goal to why I want to save money).
* Continue to spend more time to take care of myself mentally and physically (exercise, relaxation time, doing things I enjoy like biking, yoga, painting nails, etc.).
Sunday, September 4, 2011
What the Librarian Did On Her Summer Break...
She worked.
Yes, I got a job. Finally! And after two months I still like it! It is a miracle! It doesn't require a lot of thought processes, but it is a job that pays. That is what counts. It is also in the library science field (the cataloguing/collection management concentration of the field). The title is Labeling Technician. The unofficial description is basically my standing in front of a moving computer converted barcodes on library materials into big white RFID stickers. I then hide these stickers in the materials.
The Sticker:
As I said, not much brain cells needed for this job. But I get to fondle books every day. Who can beat that? I also am allowed to listen to my IPod while doing the conversion, so I am listening to a lot of audiobooks. I started with a lot of books I have already read, and am slowly getting used to listening to books I have not read. So while I fondle books, I get to "read" books. If I can figure out how to knit while doing the conversion, my life would be absolutely complete.
It is physically tiring though. Almost all libraries have concrete floors hidden under cheap carpet. After about 8 hours of standing on that, your feet would complain too. Also if you want to get the average numbers needed to be a good tagger, you have to expect to lift a lot of books and other materials. My first two weeks were spent getting used to the aches and pangs of my body. Now my body is getting fit! I think I have lost about two inches from my waist, and my arms are starting to get sculpted. I am liking the perks of it all.
And, yes, we do have a goal that we need to make every day. We taggers needs to make sure to tag 1,200 items every day. If you go above that number you also get a bonus. I haven't figured out the exact math behind it, but either way you get more money if you go above 1200. At the moment my best number has been 1,987. I am aiming for 2,000, and I will get it someday. There is no need to be competitive; it just makes the job more interesting. :) The position is a great starting point for me, and I am excited to see where I will end up after the project is over.
The School Stuff
Other than getting used to the new job, I have been attempting to enjoy all the stuff I couldn't do while in school. I hung out with friends, did some wine tasting, and just generally enjoyed not doing homework. I couldn't do a lot of what I wanted because of the money factor, but I enjoyed what I could within my means. I accrued a lot of debt while unemployed, so I am still paying that off. I have a game plan in place to fix the debt. That means giving up some things like my smartphone, but it is worth it to be debt free again.
Now school has started, and I am attempting to get my mind into school mode. Senioritis has kicked in though, and I am attempting to cure it with very little progress. I only have two classes this semester, so I will not be rushing around like I was last semester. Thank goodness! One class though requires a lot of writing with no true deadlines...so I am attempting to put some inspiration for myself to actually do it.
Yes, I got a job. Finally! And after two months I still like it! It is a miracle! It doesn't require a lot of thought processes, but it is a job that pays. That is what counts. It is also in the library science field (the cataloguing/collection management concentration of the field). The title is Labeling Technician. The unofficial description is basically my standing in front of a moving computer converted barcodes on library materials into big white RFID stickers. I then hide these stickers in the materials.
The Sticker:
As I said, not much brain cells needed for this job. But I get to fondle books every day. Who can beat that? I also am allowed to listen to my IPod while doing the conversion, so I am listening to a lot of audiobooks. I started with a lot of books I have already read, and am slowly getting used to listening to books I have not read. So while I fondle books, I get to "read" books. If I can figure out how to knit while doing the conversion, my life would be absolutely complete.
It is physically tiring though. Almost all libraries have concrete floors hidden under cheap carpet. After about 8 hours of standing on that, your feet would complain too. Also if you want to get the average numbers needed to be a good tagger, you have to expect to lift a lot of books and other materials. My first two weeks were spent getting used to the aches and pangs of my body. Now my body is getting fit! I think I have lost about two inches from my waist, and my arms are starting to get sculpted. I am liking the perks of it all.
And, yes, we do have a goal that we need to make every day. We taggers needs to make sure to tag 1,200 items every day. If you go above that number you also get a bonus. I haven't figured out the exact math behind it, but either way you get more money if you go above 1200. At the moment my best number has been 1,987. I am aiming for 2,000, and I will get it someday. There is no need to be competitive; it just makes the job more interesting. :) The position is a great starting point for me, and I am excited to see where I will end up after the project is over.
The School Stuff
Other than getting used to the new job, I have been attempting to enjoy all the stuff I couldn't do while in school. I hung out with friends, did some wine tasting, and just generally enjoyed not doing homework. I couldn't do a lot of what I wanted because of the money factor, but I enjoyed what I could within my means. I accrued a lot of debt while unemployed, so I am still paying that off. I have a game plan in place to fix the debt. That means giving up some things like my smartphone, but it is worth it to be debt free again.
Now school has started, and I am attempting to get my mind into school mode. Senioritis has kicked in though, and I am attempting to cure it with very little progress. I only have two classes this semester, so I will not be rushing around like I was last semester. Thank goodness! One class though requires a lot of writing with no true deadlines...so I am attempting to put some inspiration for myself to actually do it.
That is a list of competencies that I have to write about for my class. The class is structured like how a thesis class is for most master's programs. My master program is different: we have an option to create an e-portfolio. We present evidence from our past classes that prove we fulfilled these competencies. But we have to introduce the evidence, argue that this evidence fulfills the outlined competencies, and create a philosophy out of these linked works. It doesn't sound like a lot, but there are about 14 competencies where there should be more than one piece of evidence. Also, there are no strict deadlines to finish this until early November. This is hard for the procrastinator in me because I will just want to wait until late October to do this. That is not recommended. So I have instilled a schedule for me and making it concrete in my head. Still doesn't mean I am inspired to write it. This weekend I said I would spend two days to work on it. Yeah, that hasn't happened. I keep saying I will work on it tomorrow. Ah, senioritis in a procrastinator. I will be okay though. I at least did some schoolwork this morning for my other class. So, not that lazy. :-D I know that once I set up a game plan, I will stick to it. So tomorrow I will be writing non-stop. I hope.
The Celibate Librarian
After a lot of dating and exploration, I have decided to take a very long break from dating and relationships. I realized recently that I have not been without a crush or love interest for a good long time (i.e. probably around 6 years...). I am also counting the small crushes and huge infatuations that I have had in the past. I have never given my heart and mind a break in order to truly know what I want. If I earnestly want to find the right person for me (or find peace with being single) I need to be okay with having no interest at all. If I have any inklings of interests, it then leads to my not wanting to be alone. I need to be okay with being alone. So no dating, no crushes, no remote possible interest in anyone. No inappropriate crushes that make me blush. No looking at online profiles on Okcupid.com. None.
I have also given up on online dating sites. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, I propose that my using Okcupid and other dating sites is insanity. Other than a few exceptions, I have found that women either stand me up or are absolutely insane. So, no more. Once this mandated celibacy is over, I am going to date another way.
And with that, my life is updated. I will leave you with a very appropriate video for what I am feeling right now.
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