Death = Freedom

I am going to finally be "un-vague" about my relationship category.

I have been adventuring into this rabbit hole of possible dating/relationship thing. To keep this story from being confusing, I will just state that I have a friend on Facebook that I met from college and lately we have been starting to feel more than friends over the past few weeks. We weren't close in college (she was dating a coworker of mine at the Women's Resource Center), and we weren't that close after college either (she lives in the North Bay and I moved back to the East Bay and got very area-orientated). But, we stayed in touch through Facebook. Well, we ran into each other at the Book Fair in September and from then on we started to talk more often. Badabing, feelings were developing on both sides. This week was when it came to a point where she admitted, I said, "Well, yeah, I knew that. I like you too." This also was the week where I had no time to really focus on it and think about it.

Once I finally got sleep and time to think, I started to get scared. This is really new for me. Not the liking someone, etc etc etc. It's actually going into a relationship and starting to work the kinks of what could happen. And I got scared. I have this issue of wanting perfection (I think I have OCD...but not the extreme kind). I want things to be just right, or I don't want to deal with it. This won't be the perfect situation for me. She lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, and I am scared that I won't be a good girlfriend because I am so busy with school and life. I want to make sure that I make room for her in my life and get used to not being single. That gets to another part of me: I hate change. I have been working to calm down and say, "Change is good" and accept it when it comes along. But I get the initial scare still. Another point is the fact that I do need some personal time to myself. I like spending time with people and would definitely like spending time with her, but I also want to make sure she understands that I need time to do school work and time to just...be me. Which she understands perfectly so far. What is also scaring me is that it is feeling so...natural. It was natural to slowly delve into this madness of her. I was trying to put the brakes on it, trying to make it progress slowly...but I couldn't. I fell into it and now I am really hooked on her. I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to date. I want to be in this connection with her. So I got scared because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She (I will call her Siren because...well, she is a music goddess with the guitar and is very much in the music field) and I have been talking about this, and working it out. But I still had this residual fear.

To preface the following paragraph, I need to explain my dream history. Ever since I had dated my first boyfriend, Jackass, I started having these wild dreams of people trying to kill me. Celebrities, random people, are chasing me trying to kill me. I mean, it could have started much earlier than that time but I do remember that it started happening in fifth grade (yeah...that's an even longer story and I already have a novel here). These dreams would be so elaborate too. These events would happen and then it would end with a random dream spirit/celebrity running after me trying to kill me. It's always either a knife or a gun. It is never in one place. Either in a house, fields, etc. There is no place that I haven't ran from someone trying to kill me.

Last night, I had a different dream. I was with my friend Dana that I hadn't seen in ages. We are having a Halloween party or some sort of thing (I know why I was dreaming because of the fact that I was talking about it earlier than night), and I was hanging out just having some weird argument (I tend to have these...I don't know why). And then all of a sudden I get scared. I am reliving a movie scene. I hear a gun shot, and I am hiding in the bathroom in my house. Even though the door is closed, there are gaps in the walls to show who is going up and down the stairs and in the hallway. It is dark, but gray because of the sunlight coming through the windows. Then I see through the crack an eye lined with black and a strange woman looking at me. She opens the door. She is tall, all in black, very blond, and her eyes are a beautiful blue. She is smoothed, white skin, chunky. She has her hands behind her back and she is talking to me. She is accusing me of doing something wrong. I try to explain to her that I didn't mean to say it like that. I was trying to say...and then she pulls from behind her back a weird version of a machine gun. She looks at it. She looks at me. She said, "That's why I have to do this." And she points the gun and I actually feel the bullets (without pain) enter in my body and it becomes black. And I wake up. It's morning time.

Usually I wake up from the running, trying to get away from the gun or knife, and I wake up freaking out and breathing hard. This time, I was slightly scared but more intrigued by the feeling of the bullet entering my body. I would think it would be painful (which it would have been), but at the same time I was calm. I was okay that I had died in my dream (although I kept thinking of the theory that if you die in your dream you should have died in real life). It just seems like this dream where I finally die means something in comparison to Siren. I am not sure how, but it may be that this relationship (or whatever it may be) will be something really good for me. Like the girl that was trying to kill me was all the things that was keeping me from being in a great relationship, and the person that really died wasn't me but my past.

I don't know. It's just a theory. But I am not as scared anymore. I feel good about this. I feel more comfortable thinking of Siren as...mine. I still have fears, but I am not freaking out. It will work. Or it will be an amazing adventure.