Anger

I have always had anger problems. I have never understood where it all came from, but it does tend to bubble up and make me feel like a bad person. Agression. Anger. Negative feelings. It comes up and burns the skin, eyes, veins. Thankfully, I have been able to theraupize it to submission.

But sometimes it starts to ooze out of me. And all I want to do is let it all out instead of controlling it with rational/adult thoughts. I want to let it reign over my brain. Become one with my body. Just let it scream and cry into the universe.

I have been having vivid dreams that unfortunately I can't remember the details when I wake up. It hits to the core. It gives me a sucker punch to my gut. It has been bringing up emotions that I have been trying to keep at bay. These emotions that I have been trying to hide because I am a grown up and things happen and I can't change them.

But I want to relish in these emotions today. I want to roll in the stinky bosom of it and languish in its dirty, dirty embraces. I want to stink in its apparent angry stink.

Fuck you, I want to say. Fuck you and your annoyances. Fuck you and your crap. Fuck you and your lies. Fuck you and your charms. Just, fuck you.

I think I liked it better when these emotions were hidden behind the mask of wine and adulthood. I think I will try to go back to that.