*sigh*
I told myself I would NOT do this. That I would not post another Craigslist post. That I would NOT look on OkCupid.com. That I would not try again.
But I have. Although I doubt I will get emails because it was a half-hearted attempt at a charming post. I basically said I want THIS type of woman (and I meant woman) and I want her to have these certain qualities. It was very stand-offish. But whatever. I am just so tired of getting emails that say "One night only!" or "Hey, let's talk forever and a day but NEVER MEET".
Anyway.
I was just getting lonely and realizing that I had a choice of living like this and getting more sad, or attempting to do something about it. I really doubt I will find someone, and I really think this is a foolish thing to do. But whatever. Might as well try. But I want perfection. And I doubt anyone out there fills that description for me.
So, yeah.
The travails and gallavantings of an Asian queer lady who loves to read, write, and create havoc.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I haven't been able to think of witty titles lately, so I have been leaving them blank.
I have had a very hectic month! Working every day, helping friends out with lovely wedding stuff, and other miscellaneous things has kept me very busy. It's nice to finally relax and just think of nothing. Of course, my body made me do that when it decided to give me a slight fever, a hacking cough, mucous filling my lungs and nose i.e. a cold. I slept. I read. I cleaned/vacuumed/washed my room. I watched TV. It was fabulous. It was also slightly boring, but it beat getting more sick at work. I was also banned from work, so that helped as well. I am much better because of that.
I have quit the Weight Watchers site, but I am still trying to live the life of a WWer. In the beginning it was hard because I just wanted to go willy-nilly and just not care. But then I remembered how much I enjoyed eating right and losing weight. And I remembered the reason why I quit was because I felt that I could beat this plateau better then a money-hungry site could. It kept saying I wasn't inputting my activity points right and that is why I reached my plateau. Forget the fact that my body got used to eating right and is now wondering what is next. Also, you have to do different physical activities in order to shock the body. They didn't even mention that. So, after much struggle (and apparently a co-workers want for me to gain weight as her revenge with cupcakes), I kept going. And I lost three more pounds! So, hah! And I am wearing smaller clothes! Hah! My friend and I went shopping one day to get a dress for the wedding, and she forced me to try Junior department clothes. I said, "No! I have never fit in those!" But, she made me and now I own clothes from the Junior department. And they fit me. They actually fit me. I am now determined to keep this up because it feels so fucking good to actually feel/see the progress of it all.
During the month of work work work, I found a new way to relax at the end of the day: listening to podcasts. Now, I used to think it weird that I would have to sit down and listen to something. I'm the type of person that has to do something while listening. I don't listen to music just sitting there. That's why I have been to maybe two concerts in my life. I am running around the room. Cleaning. Working on homework. On the computer. I like to do things. Well, someone kept telling me that I should listen to some knitting podcasts. Since I needed to find some sort of entertainment for Amie to listen to while I'm away, I figured podcasts could work for me. So, I downloaded the Knit Picks podcast while I was at it. Let me tell you, I love listening to that podcast! And I am determined to listen to all the other ones that my friends were telling me. I just love to listen to the podcast while I knit. I don't have to worry about looking up from my knitting if I am missing a scene, or have to worry about truly concentrating on plot. I was able to finish a complicated shawl pattern because of listening to the podcast. And I don't feel drained or feel stoned after listening because I am using my mind, ears, and fingers! I am also learning a lot about new knitting techniques and fiber information. So, I am determined to do this every afternoon after work. I feel more relaxed and probably will live much longer. :)
I have been enveloping myself in Michael Ondaatje. I blame my friend from knitting group. One day, I decided to go to the used bookstore next door from L'amyx Tea Bar (Spectator Bookshop). They had, on sale, Michael Ondaatje's new book "Divisadero". I fell in love with him when I read his very famous novel "The English Patient". I read it because I kept hearing about the movie. I am always the type of person that has to read the book before the movie because Hollywood always disappoints me when they try to adapt literature. I like to keep being disappointed, apparently. But, anyway. So I came into the tea bar with my prizes, and the ladies definitely had to see it. My friend and I started talking about how much we love Ondaatje. She then asked me, "Have you read his poetry?" Now, I am not the type that likes to read poetry. I prefer hearing it, but not reading it. She kept telling me that I have to read it. So, a couple of weeks ago, she gave me a humongous volume of Michael Ondaatje's works and said, "Read it. You will love it." Well, I was very much surprised to find that I DID love his poetry. I also loved his prose (always did), but I found his poetry to be surprisingly wonderful as well. Usually a huge volume like what I was given takes me longer to read, but I just kept reading and reading and reading. I was sad when I finished it today. So, after contemplating the possible Ondaatje burn-out, I decided to start reading another Michael Ondaatje book called "Anil's Ghost". I just have to be immersed a little bit more.
One more week, and I am off on vacation! Yeeaaahhhh!!! We are motorhoming down to Newport Beach, and just relaxing. The only set plans that we have is going to Disneyland for two days. Other then that...it is all up in the air. Which is nice. I have been the type of person that had to plan everything, but lately I have been wanting to just...do...nothing. No planning. No making sure we make it to a certain place at a certain time. Just...nothing. It sounds nice. I am looking forward to it.
I have had a very hectic month! Working every day, helping friends out with lovely wedding stuff, and other miscellaneous things has kept me very busy. It's nice to finally relax and just think of nothing. Of course, my body made me do that when it decided to give me a slight fever, a hacking cough, mucous filling my lungs and nose i.e. a cold. I slept. I read. I cleaned/vacuumed/washed my room. I watched TV. It was fabulous. It was also slightly boring, but it beat getting more sick at work. I was also banned from work, so that helped as well. I am much better because of that.
I have quit the Weight Watchers site, but I am still trying to live the life of a WWer. In the beginning it was hard because I just wanted to go willy-nilly and just not care. But then I remembered how much I enjoyed eating right and losing weight. And I remembered the reason why I quit was because I felt that I could beat this plateau better then a money-hungry site could. It kept saying I wasn't inputting my activity points right and that is why I reached my plateau. Forget the fact that my body got used to eating right and is now wondering what is next. Also, you have to do different physical activities in order to shock the body. They didn't even mention that. So, after much struggle (and apparently a co-workers want for me to gain weight as her revenge with cupcakes), I kept going. And I lost three more pounds! So, hah! And I am wearing smaller clothes! Hah! My friend and I went shopping one day to get a dress for the wedding, and she forced me to try Junior department clothes. I said, "No! I have never fit in those!" But, she made me and now I own clothes from the Junior department. And they fit me. They actually fit me. I am now determined to keep this up because it feels so fucking good to actually feel/see the progress of it all.
During the month of work work work, I found a new way to relax at the end of the day: listening to podcasts. Now, I used to think it weird that I would have to sit down and listen to something. I'm the type of person that has to do something while listening. I don't listen to music just sitting there. That's why I have been to maybe two concerts in my life. I am running around the room. Cleaning. Working on homework. On the computer. I like to do things. Well, someone kept telling me that I should listen to some knitting podcasts. Since I needed to find some sort of entertainment for Amie to listen to while I'm away, I figured podcasts could work for me. So, I downloaded the Knit Picks podcast while I was at it. Let me tell you, I love listening to that podcast! And I am determined to listen to all the other ones that my friends were telling me. I just love to listen to the podcast while I knit. I don't have to worry about looking up from my knitting if I am missing a scene, or have to worry about truly concentrating on plot. I was able to finish a complicated shawl pattern because of listening to the podcast. And I don't feel drained or feel stoned after listening because I am using my mind, ears, and fingers! I am also learning a lot about new knitting techniques and fiber information. So, I am determined to do this every afternoon after work. I feel more relaxed and probably will live much longer. :)
I have been enveloping myself in Michael Ondaatje. I blame my friend from knitting group. One day, I decided to go to the used bookstore next door from L'amyx Tea Bar (Spectator Bookshop). They had, on sale, Michael Ondaatje's new book "Divisadero". I fell in love with him when I read his very famous novel "The English Patient". I read it because I kept hearing about the movie. I am always the type of person that has to read the book before the movie because Hollywood always disappoints me when they try to adapt literature. I like to keep being disappointed, apparently. But, anyway. So I came into the tea bar with my prizes, and the ladies definitely had to see it. My friend and I started talking about how much we love Ondaatje. She then asked me, "Have you read his poetry?" Now, I am not the type that likes to read poetry. I prefer hearing it, but not reading it. She kept telling me that I have to read it. So, a couple of weeks ago, she gave me a humongous volume of Michael Ondaatje's works and said, "Read it. You will love it." Well, I was very much surprised to find that I DID love his poetry. I also loved his prose (always did), but I found his poetry to be surprisingly wonderful as well. Usually a huge volume like what I was given takes me longer to read, but I just kept reading and reading and reading. I was sad when I finished it today. So, after contemplating the possible Ondaatje burn-out, I decided to start reading another Michael Ondaatje book called "Anil's Ghost". I just have to be immersed a little bit more.
One more week, and I am off on vacation! Yeeaaahhhh!!! We are motorhoming down to Newport Beach, and just relaxing. The only set plans that we have is going to Disneyland for two days. Other then that...it is all up in the air. Which is nice. I have been the type of person that had to plan everything, but lately I have been wanting to just...do...nothing. No planning. No making sure we make it to a certain place at a certain time. Just...nothing. It sounds nice. I am looking forward to it.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I feel soooo stupid right now. I tried to do some henna therapy for my hair to add some shine and color (red in sunshine, ahhhh!), but of course, something happened! I kept saying, "Why isn't it becoming liquid???" I made a mess of the kitchen, was almost in tears.
Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.
I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.
I really want to eat.
Then looked at another set of directions and found the one I had didn't include the fact that you had hot water to the mixture...I did EVERYTHING else right.
I feel stupid. Completely, utterly stupid. Add to that lonely and stupid.
I really want to eat.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I miss being close to someone. Not in a sexual way, but in a friendly way. It used to be okay to have best friends, to have someone so close to you that it was hard to imagine a life without that person. When you are young, you don't have to worry about these things called boundaries and rules and regulations. You were just someone's friend, and you were so close that you can read their minds sometimes.
I miss that.
As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.
Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.
But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.
And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.
But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.
It just gets damn lonely sometimes.
I miss that.
As we grow older, these boundaries and lines start to form. I think of them more as walls. Even though marriage is a great thing, it does make it harder to stay close. Husbands/wives become the best friends, and the other best friend is still there...just not as close.
Of course, normal life stands that the best friends goes out and finds his/her own partner to share that adult bond and not miss that childhood closeness.
But there are people like me that are not lucky like that. I have already found my other half: me. But it gets lonely when every friend that has come is slowly pulled away because of normal life. I can't expect people to be as retarded as I am with the real world.
And so I miss my bonds. I miss the ability to sense when a friend is so completely down that they don't have to tell me. I miss being able to cuddle with a friend and not worry about social etiquette. I didn't have to worry if the friend felt uncomfortable because she thinks that I will want more (of course, that makes me wish that I was back in the closet). I miss just calling up a friend and telling them stories of what happened that day. Or just talking. There was once a time when I could pick up the phone and be able to have someone on the line.
But we were kids, without those boundaries and walls to hold us back. In the end, those connections we developed go away and never come back and I have to expect that. People get married, have kids, and slowly fade out those friends that just don't make sense. I have to expect that.
It just gets damn lonely sometimes.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Obviously,
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.
Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.
The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.
While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.
cities are different then suburban areas. But there is a difference in the air. The sudden peak of energy, of light.
Even the air is different. Even when cities merge with suburban, there is a release
of breath
of sulpher and action.
The grit falls at the waistline and there is some sort of
peace
that seems to pervade the simple streets and tree-lined avenues of suburban life. But there is something that is hidden behind the shutters. There is a fakeness that pervades. A calming, warming fakeness. One can not trust what is behind those smiles and soothing, fresh air.
While the city
with its brash
metallic lights constantly pervades the idea that we must live in truth,
in constant battle against a front
and a truth that our life is just a skeleton filled with guts, blood, and tiny, glutinous strings. It is not
beautiful.
It is grotesque and filled with pus, fluids, bacteria.
And I am filled with happiness to walk the sun-lit pavement
to know that I am among the converts of truth,
unbeauty,
and crime-filled justice.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Religious Fanaticism?
Life is good. I've been working full time since the end of May, so I haven't had too much time for myself. Our office has been crazy busy too. This week was supposed to be a normal week for me, but we were swamped with paperwork that I came in to help the other Jennifer catch up. But starting next week the Jasmin is going on vacation (again), so I will be taking over til she comes back. And then my boss is leaving for vacation, so I will be taking over that desk (well, not literally...not a lawyer) to keep up. She is supposed to be back the second week of July. Then...I get to go on vacation! Our office is hilarious in the fact that we all piggy-backed on each other's vacations. It started with the other Jennifer from Memorial Day til this Monday, then Jasmin for the two weeks, then Mary for another two weeks, then me for a week! Although I complain (I am who I am), I do enjoy my job. We've been crazy busy, but I feel so much better after this job then any of my other jobs. I respect my co-workers, and I know that Mary would never try to cheat me.
School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.
Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.
I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.
And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.
And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.
And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."
That's pretty eeire to me.
Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.
School: I registered for classes today! I was a little scared because my registration period started at 4:20 p.m. today, and I don't get out of work until 4:30 p.m. and get home at 5 p.m. But it went just fine. I got my classes, and now ready to start! I am just so excited to start this new journey in my life.
Thoughts: So, the reason why I titled this religious fanaticism because I am in the middle of a conversation with a friend of mine in regards to this. She quoted the bible with a verse about the Lord will punish those who do certain things (Old Testament, Deutoronomy). I usually ignore those verses, but I was curious to see who commented on Facebook. One woman stated that she was coming from a very Christian perspective, and my friend stated that it is from everyone's perspective because all will end up in front of God and be judged. And that really got me off.
I would like to state that I respect Christians. I respect true Christians that love all people and live their own lives and religion and do not judge others for how they live their's. It's a good practice; someone shouldn't tell me how to live my life, like I try to not judge others for how they live their's (I'm trying). But I have encountered many Christians in my young life that judge and criticize and truly push their religions on other people. So I get very sensitive when someone says something that is really close to that sort of action.
And hence why it set me off. So I commented saying that she needs to be careful about how she represents her ideas because she may believe in one afterlife, but I believe in another. And then I used an example of how she does tend to put her religion in other people's faces (she went to my knitting group and said she would pray for everyone...and most people just shrugged it off, but one of them came up to me and said she was greatly offended by it because she is an atheist). I said she has every right to believe in what she believes in, but there is a difference between walking on eggshells and being respectful. But she's not getting it. She keeps saying that she is being who she is, and that she isn't going to "walk on eggshells" just because someone is offended.
And that scares me. Now, she is a close friend of mine because of the fact that she was always so open-hearted towards me, and she never judged. But ever since she moved down south she has become more and more fanatical religious. Before, she would never say "I will pray for you" to random people because she knew how to respect other people's beliefs. And she would have never said, "Everyone will be judged by God." But now she is. And that scares me. I don't keep those type of people close for the fact that it annoys me when I know that that person thinks I am going to burn a firey damnation in my afterlife. Or at least tell me that in my face. I had an old friend that actually said that because I liked other girls I will burn in hell. But she still loved me.
And that is what my friend said to me, "I am who I am, and I believe what I believe, but I still love you."
That's pretty eeire to me.
Of course, it could be because I have some residual bitterness from my childhood. Am I overreacting or should I have a right to call her out on this? It is a nice gesture to pray, but should one constantly say to someone, "I will pray for you" when you don't believe in prayer? I believe in the act of prayer, even though I am not Christian, but others have a different opinion and I have always been told to respect that. Am I wrong? Is it truly a respect thing? Or am I being too PC? Tell me what you think.
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