It is Hard To Do

So, I broke up with Siren tonight. Or, actually, this morning. We would have been dating for a month this Sunday, but I don't think it was truly destined to last that long.

She is too conflicted. I am not strong enough to be that type of girlfriend.

Also, she and I are at different stages in our lives. She is still coming out, getting comfortable with who she is. I already went through that, and have started living my life.

I just know that it was either break up or know that I will always be pushed aside. Always be told that, if she had the chance, she would rather be straight than be gay. That she would rather fit her church's idea of morality than be the person she really is. And the fact that if things got tough or she got scared she would always push me away...I don't think I could handle that. I knew that she pushed, but I didn't realize the extent that she would actually tell me that she would rather be straight to make it all easier. And that...hurts. I want a girlfriend that has accepted who she is, and wants to be with me without any shame.

I also know that I was trying to make her be the person I wanted her to be. I wanted her to be strong and just be the woman I know she could be. But she's not ready for that. And I can't force that on her. She needs to realize it for herself. Not through me.

So, although I kept saying I wasn't ready to leave...I think I will have to. It really hurts right now. I want to just say, "Fuck it...I want to be with her..." But, I don't think my heart can take another let down. And I think, for myself, I need to realize that maybe conflict isn't what I want in a relationship. There is passion that can lead to rapport and then there is constant drama and conflict that I don't need. I need to find that balance.

So...onward I go. I was so happy because this Christmas season I was going to do all these fun things with my girlfriend. But now I won't. But I would rather be alone and know what I want than be with someone that seems to be ashamed of who she is. And this will be good for her too. At least, in my opinion. She needs to figure things out for herself. Not through me.

I'm still sad. It still hurts. This still sucks. But it's what needs to be done. So, onward I go.