The Journey of Me

This is a response from a long chain of conversations between Siren and me and I finally asked her how she would feel that after going through a break up the person kept saying how happy she was and finally saying what was needed to solve the problems in the relationship. I told her I felt used, like I was like her puzzle piece in her dreamland.

"I was angry too because I felt like u gave up on us so fast. I did have anger too. I didn't use u. I know I can't dwell on the hurt because that isn't gonna get me anywhere. I felt like u wanted me to be this perfect person...and I am not that. I felt like I wasn't accepted by u because u couldn't take me as I am. I felt like u wanted me different. I felt like I was being seen for what I'm not instead of what I am. I couldn't be with someone that doesn't like me for all of me. That's partly why it was no suprise because I could sense that. I definitely had my walls up and was guarding my heart towards the end...especially after sf. I wasn't as open as I was before. Sorry if it hurts u that I am taking this as a learning experience and as a experience for growth but I try my best to get to most out of each experience. I hope u grow and heal and all that. May you have a wonderful life and if u want to be friends with me again someday know that i am always here. God bless."

Yeah, you can go fuck yourself sideways.

I gave up too easily? I?

Evidence #1 that I didn't give up too easily: Even though you were ALL my dealbreakers, I went with you anyway. Probably stupid of me. But I wanted to be with you. Because you kept arguing with me, telling me that we could be really great. And although you were everything that were TOTAL dealbreakers, I went with it anyway. Because I really liked you and I thought maybe, just maybe, you would prove me wrong.

Evidence #2: I wanted to leave after our first date. The fact that at 28 you can't get yourself fucking home, and then when I treated you like MOST adults out there should be treated and you kept telling me I didn't care...I should have left you. I should have said, "Yeah, this isn't going to work. I like you, but not enough for this." But, I didn't. I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Evidence #3: I wanted to leave when you started telling me that you believed God hated you for being gay by making you sick. I don't date closet cases, nor do I date people that hate themselves. But I stayed with you anyway.

Evidence #4: The fact that you are not even WILLING to put yourself out there in the area that you want to succeed in...and you tell me you are working on it? I should have left. But what did I do? I stayed with you and said, "You would get there..."

Evidence #5: I should never have believed that YOUR ex was the crazy one when you started to exhibit signs of INSANITY.

Evidence #6: The fact that I stayed with you even though you kept putting words in my mouth...when you started doing that after SF...and I still stayed? Yeah...I gave up way too easily.

Evidence #7: Even when two weeks into it ALL OF MY FRIENDS wanted me to leave you...and I stayed? Wow, I just gave up too easily even though all of my SANE friends told me to leave.

I could go on. But I think everyone gets the point.

I will never date people like her. She will always think she is the victim. She will always think that I hurt her, when it actuality she just used me. She had no emotions. The fact that she kept putting up her guard, even though she said she was going all the way with me...and I put my heart out there. I let her hold it, mess with it, and then when I was more courageous to say, "This isn't working..." I'm the bad person? I am the one that gave up too easily when already, in a month, she was crying and conflicted and I was always trying to fight for her?

Yeah...no. Never again. I think I need to really not date anymore. Not give up, but I think I am not allowed to make my own dating choices. Someone else will have to. Because I attract the crazies. And the fact that I knew she was crazy and I went after her anyway? Yeah, stupid. I think I need to just...take a break. No more.

And, yes, I know that I was trying to get you to be perfect. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. Because I didn't like how I made you feel. I wanted you to be better than you could ever be. I wanted to save you. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. I was putting you in a box that you could NEVER fulfill. I wanted you to be successful in your life, but you didn't want it. THAT'S WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU. So the fact that once I broke up with you, you started to REALIZE what was WRONG with you...that hurts. That is the reason why I was hurting more than I should have. Because you kept pushing it in my face: "Look, look, now that you broke up with me, I can be what you wanted me to be! Look! I am growing! Thanks for breaking up with me! I am growing, look at me! God is love! Of course God doesn't hate me!!!!!!!!" It was like she WANTED to hurt me. Because I decided to be the one that admitted the truth, she is going to be childish and hurt me by gloating that she is better without me?

Yeah, fuck you.

I am in the anger phase today...