When Is It Okay to Fly Away?

In the three weeks that I have been dating Siren, I have encountered happiness...and frustration. Already after three weeks and two dates we have issues. There is a lot of baggage that I am acquiring, and I have gone back and forth between wanting to take it on to just not wanting the frustration.

In the end, I just can't bring myself to say "No" yet. When we are not arguing or my trying to calm her down, we have so many happy moments. And there is attraction and passion. It seemed with most of my dating experiences there was so much infatuation but no action. No true passion in it. With Siren, we have that passion to argue. To discuss our fears and our issues. But usually this happens after three months. Not three weeks. I have always said that I am not ready to enter seriousness because she is not there for me. In order for me to talk a serious relationship (as in talking about marriage, kids, knowing that there is no one else), she has to be in a stable ground in her life. And she is not there. But no matter how many times we say, "We will see where this goes" or "I am enjoying the now", the future keeps coming up after us saying, "Tick tock...tick tock". And she gets hurt, and I get frustrated because she keeps putting actions and phrases in my mouth.

And this is when people have told me, "Just leave" or "Are you sure you want to go through all this effort for 'not forever'?" But, I just can't. Not because I don't want to be alone or I just want to have a girlfriend, but because I can't pull myself away from her. I am attracted to her, and I know that it will break both of our hearts in the end...but I can't seem to stop myself. I want this experience. I don't want to run away from something that could be...great and awful at the same time.

And I could be so wrong. Maybe she will get over her fears, issues, and unhappiness and become the woman she could be. And she and I could live happily ever after.

But I am not her knight in shining armor. In a way, I feel like she has an imagined person in her head of me. I am this cute, strong, powerful woman that can save her from her pain and sufferings. And when I show my true self, she gets hurt and doesn't like what she sees. I have never apologized for my bluntness. My reality checks, I like to call them. I say, "This is who I am. I will try to be less harsh, but know that I will always tell you the truth." I am trying to be less harsh with my reality checks. But sometimes I wonder if she is not truly trying to be less sensitive. And to see that maybe she needs to be courageous in everything.

And maybe she will see that. Maybe she will develop into this wonderful woman I know her to be.

Or maybe not. But I am not ready to fly away. I am not ready to say, "No". Not yet. Even though I know I may break her heart, and in the process break my own heart...I can't leave now. I just can't.

But, I still have a lot of thoughts in my head...