Why?

So tonight (or I guess last night since it is 3:30 in the morning right now), I went out with someone from my Bi Women's group. We're getting to know each other, and I seemed to enjoy her company the times I've seen her. So, I figured, why not? She's slowly coming out of her shell, and I wanted to help her out. It also didn't hurt that I thought she was gorgeous and wanted to get to know more of her mind. She wanted to go to The Lexington because she was there on Wednesday and wanted to try to flirt with someone. She even made me promise to help her out with hitting on someone.

When we went there though she was starting to clam up. And I understand completely why she didn't want to. I didn't even want to, but I ended up doing it anyway. Of course I stumbled and fell and it was funny. But I made a promise that I didn't want to break. And over dinner I got to know her even more and I am absolutely fascinated with her. She is smart, easy to talk to, and is enjoyable to hang around. I can drink with her, but still be able to talk about political issues. Let me just say, I was having a hard time not to think of her as a possibility.

Now, we kind of ventured into that topic while we were at BART waiting for the Millbrae train. She was talking about how she always gets hit on or looked at, but never asked out. So I told her that if she wasn't in group I would have asked her out. It really was an excuse. I just said that because I didn't want to get embarrassed when she said, "Ew, no." Hence why I added "but you're in group..." And through out the whole entire evening she kept giving me the friend vibe. Only friend. Only friend. Only friend.

So let me tell you it was surprised when we finished the movie we were watching with my parents (long story...) and she says, "By the way, the reason why I wasn't flirting with anyone tonight because I was interested in you." And then walked away.

Now, any normal person would have just said "Woah" and closed the door.

You do realize you're talking about me, right? Of course I had to follow her out on the driveway in the freezing cold and say, "What? What do you mean?" and then it followed that my stupid comment about being in group is the reason why she was running away and then when I said, "We will definitely have to talk about this" she said, "No, because now I'm not going to answer any of your phone calls..." And then she got into her car. And I'm walking away realizing 1. shouldn't have done that and 2. feeling really confused and stupid. I mean, the girl had to quickly run in flat clickity-clak shoes!

I'm feeling really, really stupid right now. I wish I was a normal person so that this never happened to me. And I never said that comment of her being in group, and hence why I never hit on her. And I wish I never followed her outside to her car and kept asking her about it.

Dumb.
Dumb.
Dumb.

Welcome to my world. And now I can't sleep. When I was exhausted and wanted to just sleep: she tells me that she's interested in me, and now I can't sleep. Because I am a moron. And maybe a little wasted.

Dumb. I am dumb.